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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a party DD is going to because of bad behaviour?

81 replies

drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 20:47

Throughout the week my DD has been misbehaving/general being defiant. I have told her at several points that she will not be allowed to go to her friends party if I have to tell her again - something I thought would ensure she was good!

Obviously now I've said it I feel it's important I follow it through, and her behaviour has been terrible today.

What do I do? Do I not allow her to go and what do I text the child's mum to tell them? I feel embarrassed. Would you be annoyed if someone cancelled coming to your child's party because their child had been naughty?

OP posts:
Original poster
drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 21:08

If it makes any difference is isn't one of her closest friends. I wouldn't know the child or mum if I saw them in the street. But I can completely understand why some parents would be annoyed. Thanks for the opinions though, ill have to have a think.

OP posts:
cunexttuesonline · 21/02/2015 21:09

I would definitely be annoyed as party mum, if you have accepted the party invitation then you should make every effort to be there, just rude not to. You could have used a punishment that does not affect someone else!

As others have said, give her a chance to redeem herself and let her go to the party, how old is she?

passthewineplz · 21/02/2015 21:10

Give her the morning to reedeem herself, and text her friends mum to say she might not be attending unless she reedeem a herself before hand

Yika · 21/02/2015 21:10

I agree that you are punishing the child whose party it is. I think it's a very bad threat. But since you threatened it, you have to follow it through. I wouldn't just text the parent, I would call to apologise and have the birthday child over to play soon to make up for it. Actually, I would make another excuse to the birthday parent. (sudden illness)

Original poster
drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 21:11

And believe me I've used every other punishment I can think of. This was out of desperation

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 21/02/2015 21:15

Somebody did this to me a couple if years ago. Dd1 was devastated her friend couldn't come and I had to pay for her anyway. It's not a great thing to do.

Could you not give her chance to win the privilege back?

TSSDNCOP · 21/02/2015 21:15

It sounds as though it's a big party and your DD wouldn't be super-missed.

Since you've made the threat you have to follow through IMO. I'd be careful about using this one in future though articulately if the host is out ££'s.

I do still think you should send a gift. I'd also get DD to write a note apologising for her absence and explaining why she couldn't attend.

sanfairyanne · 21/02/2015 21:18

this would piss me off and make me think you had a poor range of parenting 'punishment' skills

justmyview · 21/02/2015 21:19

I have told her at several points that she will not be allowed to go to her friends party if I have to tell her again - I think this is a mistake. I don't think you should make any threats that you cannot / will not follow through, or DD will know you're bluffing

I think YABU to make your DD's friend / parents suffer by not turning up to the party, but I agree with the idea of making DD earn the right to go to the party, rather than giving in

PastaDecor · 21/02/2015 21:21

I so so nearly used exact same threatened punishment on my DC (5) yesterday re party today, after outrageous behaviour. Not being smug, but thankfully something stopped me just before I said it to DC - knowing now I would have had a whole dilemma on his hands etc. What I did instead was threatened to explain to the parent leading the party that DC would come to the party but just be able to sit besides me and watch as he had been very naughty. Again thankfully I didn't need to follow thru on this (was dreading it myself!) as DC began behaving (saying sorry for thumping younger DC, crucially).

PastaDecor · 21/02/2015 21:22

dilemma on my hands - I meant

ILovePud · 21/02/2015 21:22

It sounds like you've got to the end of your tether with your DD's behaviour, you have my sympathies, we've all been there. Brew I'm guessing that because you haven't given her age and because it's a village hall party she's quite young, under 7? If so I'd be inclined to give her the chance to earn it back.

SaucyJack · 21/02/2015 21:24

Well you shouldn't threaten consequences that affect innocent people too..... but you've probably got the gist of that now Wink

Give her a chance to earn it back tomoz for the sake of the party girl.

Are you sure she cares about going tho?

Cobain · 21/02/2015 21:24

I prefer a consequence which in on going, what incentive does she have once the party is over? After doing similar of the threat at the heat of the moment and regretting it, I know tell DC that I am going to spend time deciding their punishment. Them stewing over it is usually enough in itself to change their behaviour.

hiccupgirl · 21/02/2015 21:24

I would give her the chance to earn back the party tomorrow morning but if she still can't behave then I wouldn't take her.

It doesn't sound like she's that bothered about going to the party though tbh, either that or she really doesn't believe or understand the threat of it being taken away.

OutragedFromLeeds · 21/02/2015 21:25

You have to follow through.

If the other parent is going to be out some money or something you can offer to pay for DD's place, apologise for the inconvenience etc. You should give as much notice as possible. You probably should have text earlier today really.

The other parent being irritated isn't sufficient reason to wimp out on your threat though.

merrymouse · 21/02/2015 21:26

Yes, I would be annoyed. It would be as much a punishment for my child as yours. It would only be acceptable if you knew it was going to be a very well attended class party and our children didn't really play together.

merrymouse · 21/02/2015 21:31

I also think that if you have used every punishment you can think of, and you have threatened this several times with no behaviour improvement, you need to take step back and think about your strategy.

You seem to be caught in a bit of a vicious circle and punishment doesn't seem to be working.

mineofuselessinformation · 21/02/2015 21:34

If you really feel you shouldn't let her go, then don't. In your position, given that it's not at a pay per head venue, I would probably have said no to my child....
But, an alternative is to speak to your daughter in the morning and find out how important going to the party is to her. If she really wants to go, put the ball in her court and let her choose an alternative punishment.

Samcro · 21/02/2015 21:36

i don't get why the child who's party it is has to be punished.
odd

Hassled · 21/02/2015 21:39

I think the feelings of birthday child (who OP says isn't a close friend) and mother (who OP doesn't know) are less important than the fact that if the OP backtracks now, her DD has her over a barrel for the foreseeable. She will have no authority and the longer term implications could be bloody awful. And yes, this is why you should think long and hard before you issue threats - but it's done now.

Samcro · 21/02/2015 21:40

why accept and invite then? the party child might end up with no one there if all the parents did this.

Original poster
drivingmenutty · 21/02/2015 21:43

samcro - this is obviously why I am asking for opinions. I realise it may not have been the best threat but it's done now, hence me asking for advice.

Obviously when I accepted said invite weeks ago I wasnt tackling what I am at the present moment!

OP posts:
Samcro · 21/02/2015 21:49

i know
but just seems wrong

OutragedFromLeeds · 21/02/2015 21:49

The other child is not going to care. In the excitement of a party and presents and birthday cake, no child is going to stop and say 'where is X who I'm not close to and don't really play with?'. Unless they are very best friends the birthday child is not going to care.

It would be different if it was a small activity with only 3 friends or something, but a big party in a hall......the other child will not care.