To be heartily hacked off with this situation (DS2 and DH a bit)

[sausageandorangepickle]

DS2 (13) regularly does low level but annoying 'naughty' things like leaving lights/tv/heater on in his room when he comes down stairs, taking treat food that was meant for the whole family or specifically for DS3 (4), not getting up on time, not turning lights/tv off when asked at night. Just writing this down makes it look so superficial, but it is all the time, and we need to nag and nag and nag to get him to do anything. We have explained why these things are a problem -electricity bill, disturbing others, being greedy, lazy etc and he is a really bright boy so he knows the effect his behaviour is having on others around him.

DH (and yes, he is DS2's dad) and I have totally different views on how to deal with it. DH thinks he needs to be punished, and has taken his x-box away, months ago now, to encourage DS2 to do more physical activity, but DS2 has just moved to watching You Tube videos of other people playing x-box. DH has taken the heater out of DS2's bedroom because he always seemed to leave it on. He makes massive threats and has huge rants at DS2, but the behaviour never seems to change.

I on the other hand, keep trying to make peace with DS2, trying to work out why he is behaving this way, helping him out, I guess I am too soft, as I want to believe every reason he gives for his behaviour, but whatever I do, doesn't change the way he is either.

I don't think it is all about teenage hormones as it has been this way for 4/5 years now. I think it is probably more about his place in the family, there is a small gap between him and DS1, and then 9 years between him and DS3.

I don't know what to do. DH is so pissed off he says things like 'he's just a bad one' and that he can't be bothered with him any more, he doesn't want to talk to him or spend time with him (to me, about DS2, not directly to him).

So, AIBU to be pissed off and confused? and has the collective might of mumsnet got any advice for me? Sorry about the essay!

Super

The way to get the OP to make changes to benefit her son is not to personally attack her, check out her profile to see what you can throw at her, or call her husband a dickhead.

All you are going to achieve with your horrible posts is the OP will either totally ignore you, or feel the need to defend herself and her DH more.

I am not sure why you think your post is acceptable. If you had an ounce of empathy you would see that the OP is a wife and mother who is trying her best to cope with two teenage boys, a 4 year old, and a husband in therapy for depression.

I can only guess that the reason you feel the need to be so nasty and abusive towards another female and mother is in order to make you feel better about yourself.

Super - you seem to think you have some incredible insight (and are a superior mother to others - was amused by your 'I love my children so much' as if that actually needs to be said by any parent to other parents!) and the rest of us are imbeciles.

All of us are very concerned and don't 'agree' with the OP (whatever that means) and are urging her to stop enabling her h and to step up and protect her son - I certainly said that upthread. But it doesn't need to be said in such a vicious way. Has it occurred to you that this man is abusive and therefore is abusive to his wife too? Do you understand what that does to a person and their esteem, how it messes with their instincts? Maybe educate yourself on that one.

ssd not sure what you meant by pot, kettle, black or where you have 'seen' me on here. I can be bolshy, but I don't make personal attacks, kick people when they are down and would never tell someone they don't deserve to be a parent, someone who is struggling and in need of help.

I've just finished reading this thread and am horrified by some of the responses calling op a crap mother.

I agree it's not a good situation and it needs to change, but calling the op a crap mother isn't beneficial to anyone. It's spiteful and cruel.

Op, Everything your DS does is 100% normal for a teen. My DS is 14 and does all of these things too. It's not naughty behaviour, it's forgetfulness and as irritating as it is, it doesn't mean your son is bad.

I found that as a previous poster mentioned, making my DS go back upstairs to switch a light off or to put washing in the laundry basket is more likely to make him remember to do it the first time without me nagging. My DS is too lazy to want to be running up and downstairs all the time so will remember to do the things he was asked first time round.

I used to have a problem with my DS keeping his muddy shoes on and messing up the carpet on the stairs. It frustrated me so much having to clean up the muddy footprints all the time. I then started making him clean the carpets if he muddied them and miraculously he'd remember to take his shoes off once he knew he'd have a carpet to clean if he forgot!

I seriously think your DS should get his XBox back now. The punishments your DH is doling out are too harsh and unforgiving.

The sleeping in is perfectly normal and expected for a teen. Teenagers have different sleep patterns.

Have your tried talking to your DH calmly and letting him know you feel his treatment of your son is unfair? I would class the treatment as abusive. No child should be referred to as the bad one simply for behaving in exactly the same way most teenagers behave.

I don't know if it would be possible for your DH to read a book on child development- in particular about teens so he can see that all the behaviour sof your DS are in fact totally normal?

Sausage bad parents don't come on a parenting forum for advice and you seem to accept most of what people are saying. A plan of action now is:

1. honest talk with your husband that you can't tolerate this anymore and he needs help with this issue. Maybe you need to seek counselling together to tackle this.

2. honest talk with your son. I think saying sorry and that you are worried about him. He needs to hear that he is loved. Think about what you like about him and actively complement him. Talk to your son about anxiety and depression, discuss his dad's condition.

3. make a pact not to nag him for a set time. However make sure if he does something well or good that you compliment him/ reward him.

4. get some support for you. You need to get your brave pants on and do what is right and not pander to your husbands anxiety. You need to tell him if he has overstepped and correct him if he slates DS2. Not easy but as someone who suffers from anxiety my husbands input is helpful. I also tell my husband if I feel he has been unfair.

Good luck i hope things get better.

sliceofsoup and thatsucks

If the OP's present situation was new then yes you would be right to call me out on my posts however it has been ongoing, by the OP's own admission for 4 years. That is inexcusable and she deserves to have her parenting called into question.

Regardless of how her husband treats her, the OPs main priority should be to protect her children over her husband.

Read Sausages OP and her subsequent responses. You cannot tell me that this woman has her child's best interests at heart. Every post she has made either blames her sons 'naughty' behaviour also known as typical teenage behaviour to you and I or excuses her husbands abuse on the grounds he had a crap childhood. The fact you are defending her makes you as bad as her in my eyes. I could not defend someone who is complicit in her husbands cruelty towards their children.

I have never been in an abusive relationship however I am sure a mothers instinct takes over and if my husband showed abusive behaviour towards my children I am confident I would have the strength to leave. Children come before relationships in my opinion.

blueballoon79 You're the mother of a teenager, so I ask you this if your husband/partner was treating your son the way the OP's husband treats their son would you stand by for 4 years and allow it to happen?

I remind you of some of the things the OPs husband does:

1.Removes heating from the sons 'on the cold side' bedroom as a punishment

1. Makes threats towards a 13 year old child

1. Removed his Xbox 'months' ago

1. Calls the 13 year old boy 'the bad one'

1. Says he doesn't want to talk to his own son

1. He doesn't want to spend anytime with his son

1. He can't be bothered with his son anymore

All of those were taken from the OP. That doesn't include sausages further posts.

You have also acknowledged the OPs husbands behaviour as abusive yet you don't think she's a crap mother. That's interesting because the OP has stood by and let this happen for 4 years.

You are also forgetting they have an elder teenage son who the husband apparently has a good relationship with so I doubt parenting books are going to help.

slutbucket

Bad parents may not come onto a parenting forum for advice but bad parents let the abuse carry on for 4 years.

Hopefully the OP will speak to her husband but in my opinion it's 4 years too late. Any psychological damage those two have imparted on their son will be irreversible.

Lots of good advice here and it helps me a lot when people reassure me that dss's behaviour is typical. I think teens all become self centred and forgetful as their minds fill with other things. Then suddenly they're lovely cuddly puppies again for a while.
However I think some people have been giving op a hard time re the snacks. We also have teens and a four year old and keep things like mini boxes of raisins and rice cakes in stock as we need to take snacks whenever we go out - little kids need to eat little and often and struggle with day trips etc. My older kids aren't banned from these, but they are bought with the younger child in mind and I'd be annoyed if they all went. The older kids have plenty they can snack on which aren't suitable for the little one. The kids also have their own snack boxes where they have their chocolate from their Christmas stockings or if there has been birthday sweets at school or Halloween sweets etc. Dss usually gobbles his quite quickly while dsd saves hers and lo gets his a bit more managed by us. So again, I'd be annoyed if dss ate the snacks from his siblings' boxes. This doesn't mean we buy treats for one child and not the others and I'm sure op means something similar.

Super

None of that gives you the right to attack the OP.

Try to justify yourself as much as you want, but it won't change the fact that your post was vicious and unacceptable.

Oh bore off sliceofsoup anyone who posts defending the abuse of her child at the hands of her husband deserves to be questioned on it. You might think that kind of behaviour is acceptable but I dont.

So your answer is to abuse the OP? You are no better than the OPs husband.

If you read my posts on this thread you will see that I absolutely do not condone the behaviour of the OPs husband, and I have told the OP she is letting her son down.

I just don't see the need to be so vicious to another human being.

Super your offensive and unkind post has been deleted by MNHQ. I think that's all that needs to be said isn't it? You are not a nice person.

"Super" I'm a single mother so the situation doesn't apply.
I don't know what I'd do in that position. I'd like to think that I'd be able to come onto a forum and ask for advice without having my parenting criticised cruelly.
Life isn't always so black and white and yes I do believe the husbands behaviour is abusive but sometimes it takes a while to acknowledge it is and then begin to deal with it.
I don't think she's a crap mother. I think she's a woman who has realised something is going terribly wrong and who needs to act upon it. Being told she's a crap mother isn't of any help to her at all. It's vindictive.

For 4/5 years your H has been calling your son 'the bad one', 'can't be bothered with him' etc.

He is 13 now so your H started this when DS was 8/9 years old. A child.

He is now acting the way he has been made to believe he is over the last 1/3 of his life by his father.

Your H is giving your DS a taste of the crap life he had.

Poor kid.