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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be heartily hacked off with this situation (DS2 and DH a bit)

114 replies

sausageandorangepickle · 20/02/2015 19:45

DS2 (13) regularly does low level but annoying 'naughty' things like leaving lights/tv/heater on in his room when he comes down stairs, taking treat food that was meant for the whole family or specifically for DS3 (4), not getting up on time, not turning lights/tv off when asked at night. Just writing this down makes it look so superficial, but it is all the time, and we need to nag and nag and nag to get him to do anything. We have explained why these things are a problem -electricity bill, disturbing others, being greedy, lazy etc and he is a really bright boy so he knows the effect his behaviour is having on others around him.

DH (and yes, he is DS2's dad) and I have totally different views on how to deal with it. DH thinks he needs to be punished, and has taken his x-box away, months ago now, to encourage DS2 to do more physical activity, but DS2 has just moved to watching You Tube videos of other people playing x-box. DH has taken the heater out of DS2's bedroom because he always seemed to leave it on. He makes massive threats and has huge rants at DS2, but the behaviour never seems to change.

I on the other hand, keep trying to make peace with DS2, trying to work out why he is behaving this way, helping him out, I guess I am too soft, as I want to believe every reason he gives for his behaviour, but whatever I do, doesn't change the way he is either.

I don't think it is all about teenage hormones as it has been this way for 4/5 years now. I think it is probably more about his place in the family, there is a small gap between him and DS1, and then 9 years between him and DS3.

I don't know what to do. DH is so pissed off he says things like 'he's just a bad one' and that he can't be bothered with him any more, he doesn't want to talk to him or spend time with him (to me, about DS2, not directly to him).

So, AIBU to be pissed off and confused? and has the collective might of mumsnet got any advice for me? Sorry about the essay!

OP posts:

sliceofsoup · 20/02/2015 20:58

I'm not sure they could last any time together, they are stuck in this rut of resentment for each other.

Your DH is the adult here and HE needs to break their relationship out of this rut. It isn't a two way thing.

I feel very sad for your 13yo. The other boys get 1 to 1 with their dad, and he is left with the nagging and is labeled the bad one.

coppertop · 20/02/2015 21:03

"DH is so pissed off he says things like 'he's just a bad one' and that he can't be bothered with him any more, he doesn't want to talk to him or spend time with him (to me, about DS2, not directly to him)."

From the sounds of things, your dh doesn't spend time with him or bother with him anyway. :(

It's your dh's behaviour and unequal treatment of his children that really needs to change.

Original poster

sausageandorangepickle · 20/02/2015 21:05

I feel sorry for him too. The situation is horrible.
DH suffers from stress and depression, he is a perfectionist, sets ridiculously high standards for himself and others. Yes, whoever asked, he can be difficult to live with, but it is not all his fault - he didn't ask to be ill.
I do appreciate all the responses, it is helping me clear things in my mind and start to make a new plan, as the old ones are so not working. Got to go now for at least a couple of hours, but I will read any more replies later/tomorrow.

OP posts:

BifsWif · 20/02/2015 21:09

I think your DH is a bigger problem than your son. What he is saying/ doing could be incredibly damaging. Does he have any other source of heat in his room? Your son is 13 - what he is doing is normal, pick your battles!
Honestly, it's time for a serious talk with your husband.

Bakeoffcake · 20/02/2015 21:13

"But it's not all his fault, he didn't ask to be ill"

That's true and as someone who has had depression, I would say that the fact your DH is ill, should not mean he takes it out on his son. He doesn't sound like a very nice dad tbh.

coppertop · 20/02/2015 21:16

And this part here:

"DH thinks he needs to be punished, and has taken his x-box away, months ago now, to encourage DS2 to do more physical activity,"

Wouldn't it make far more sense to kill two birds with one stone and have your dh take up an activity of your ds2's choice with your ds2? Your son gets out more and your dh spends some 1:1 time with him.

Presumably it's far easier to play at being "The Big Man" and dishing out punishments...

maiscout · 20/02/2015 21:17

I think you're both being way to harsh on him. The things you mentioned are hardly 'naughty'. Inconsiderate maybe, but not naughty.

My dad was like this with my brother. Constantly believing he was a bad child, and punishing him for 'crimes' similar to those you described. Now my brother and dad have a terrible relationship and they only talk when my brother comes home to see the whole family.

It's horrible growing up thinking your parents don't like you, when they're supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what. You need to get your DH to calm the hell down before he ruins their relationship.

sliceofsoup · 20/02/2015 21:20

Being depressed does not give anyone the right to abuse those around them. He is emotionally abusing your son. You need to step in, depression or not.

BalloonSlayer · 20/02/2015 21:24

It's not "naughtiness." It's normal teenage thoughtlessness.

hooker29 · 20/02/2015 21:26

DS is nearly 17 and still does all of the above...even though he's reminded every single bloody day!!!
DH gets wound up with him and I hate it-I feel like a referee sometimes!But I'm sure DH was probably very similar when he was a kid!
I remind DH that he could be worse-he could be out stealing cars, robbing old ladies and selling drugs instead of doing well at school and doing 2 small part time jobs.

GoldfishCrackers · 20/02/2015 21:30

This depression/anxiety of your DH's - does he take it out on the other DC too? Or just DS2? Your DH didn't ask to be ill, but DS2 didn't ask for any of this either.

googoodolly · 20/02/2015 21:33

Your DH doesn't seem to take his depression or anxiety out on his other sons, though.

Spinningplates10 · 20/02/2015 21:41

OP while reading this I've been thinking how much your DH sounds like my father when we were growing up. The total overreaction to fairly minor transgressions, the labelling a child as bad for behaviours that are irritations rather than bad behaviour and of course the punishments that are way out of line with the "crime". When you posted that DH suffers from depression I thought yep, that sounds right!

We had years of this as children and my mother, like you, would be on our cases to try and avoid a big row. My dad actually wasn't diagnosed with depression until we were in our mid to late teens and improved hugely with treatment. I and some of my siblings now have a really good relationship with him but sadly my DB does not. I know for a fact my dad has many regrets and knows he was way too harsh but the damage can't be undone.

Can you talk to DH about his treatment of your son? Is this how his parents treated him? If so surely he remembers how that felt. You need to stop tiptoeing around DH in the hope of a quiet life, he needs to be told how he is effecting you and DS.

SpringTimeIsComing · 20/02/2015 21:56

You also need to think about how your DS will feel about his father when he's 20 after the way your DH has treated him OP. You also need to consider how your DS will feel about you while you stood back and allowed his father to treat him the way he is. I'm still gobsmacked you allowed heating to be removed from your DS's room. Depression is no excuse to treat a child the way your DH is treating your son as you are his mum and should be stepping in. I'm well aware that boys and their dads can "clash" at times and have seen it first hand in my own home. BUT, I would never have stood back and watched my DS be emotionally abused.

sliceofsoup · 20/02/2015 22:03

I am more concerned with how DS2 will feel about himself as he grows. This is all affecting his self esteem and how he views himself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2015 22:12

OK. Three baskets, decided by DH and you.

Safety type stuff. Leaving a heater on could cause a fire so that is your business and requires immediate action. Immediate, appropriate consequences.
Family stuff but not urgent. Taking DS3's snacks. Discuss at a neutral time and get DS2 to agree, decide together what an appropriate, hopefully natural, consequence is (no crisps later or buys own snacks)
Kid stuff. 20 minute showers, getting up on the weekend if nothing is planned, tidiness of his own room. Deciding to do with his own down time. Channel Elsa, "Let it go, let it go".

As for your DH, he is the parent and needs to do his job properly.

SuperWifeANDMum · 20/02/2015 22:20

This is horrendous. Your husband has taken the heater out of your sons room and YOU have let him? What? What kind of mother are you.

I dread to think what your poor son must be feeling. Your son is 13 his behaviour is typical of a teenager.

I'm a mother and if my husband dared to treat our son in that way he would be out of the door no questions asked. I'm a mum first and a wife second, something you need to learn.

Your son is being abused and you are allowing this to happen. Disgusting.

Your husband is bullying his own son. Your son knows he is being treated differently to his siblings imagine how he must feel to know the man who is supposed to love him unconditionally calls him the bad one and basically can't be arsed to spend time with him yet allocates time to spend with the eldest and youngest.

You are as bad as your husband defending his cruel ways.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 20/02/2015 22:23

Your son just sounds like a normal teenager to me.

SpringTimeIsComing · 20/02/2015 22:23

2) Family stuff but not urgent. Taking DS3's snacks. Discuss at a neutral time and get DS2 to agree, decide together what an appropriate, hopefully natural, consequence is (no crisps later or buys own snacks)

Are you serious? Buying his own snacks at 13 years of age? No child should be buying their own snacks at 13. FFS teenagers eat (and they eat a lot). I have teenagers and would never say "those are for DC 1,2,3 therefore you can't eat them." It's so wrong having snacks for one child in the house and not for others.

Safety type stuff. Leaving a heater on could cause a fire so that is your business and requires immediate action. Immediate, appropriate consequences.

What are immediate appropriate consequences? Immediate appropriate responses are not to leave a child with no heating in their room. IMO.

SpringTimeIsComing · 20/02/2015 22:27

This is horrendous. Your husband has taken the heater out of your sons room and YOU have let him? What? What kind of mother are you.

I dread to think what your poor son must be feeling. Your son is 13 his behaviour is typical of a teenager.

I'm a mother and if my husband dared to treat our son in that way he would be out of the door no questions asked. I'm a mum first and a wife second, something you need to learn.

Your son is being abused and you are allowing this to happen. Disgusting.

You are as bad as your husband defending his cruel ways.

I agree with all of the above. This thread has really upset me to think a 13 year old is sleeping in a room with no eating and being bullied by his own father.

peutetre · 20/02/2015 22:33

Oh for god's sake why all this fuss about the heater and suggesting it is abuse is just madness.

No one is forcing him to stay in a cold room, he could always come downstairs. A few days of that and he'd probably be ready to remember to turn the heating off.

As for the rest I don't think that you should just have to accept it, a bit more consideration of the cost of electricity should be expected. However I agree that you should pick your battles and cut him some slack sometimes.

HolgerDanske · 20/02/2015 22:47

Turn his heater down to a lower setting where it's still comfortable and leave it on all the time (unless it's a gas heater). Couple more months and he won't need it at all and it'll become a moot point.

I agree with previous posters on everything else. He's a lost boy at the moment, pretty well invisible between competing with golden older brother and golden little brother (at least from his perspective), and probably desperate for affirmation and acceptance from his dad.

Italiangreyhound · 20/02/2015 22:53

There is so much good advce here. I agree with sliceofsoup, Roseformeplease, Doyouthinktheysaurus, really wise and on the ball. And Happypiglet who says ... sit down and thrash out our non negotiables and then talk to all DC and present a United front.
I think we risk alienating him when he is older if we can't let some stuff slide and pick our battles...

Actually so many people giving wise advice I would just be naming people to agree with!

Really you and your husband need to be on the same page. Limit the things that are crucial. If you can use timers etc to limit things then do. Find ways for other 'things' like timers (good suggestion whoever made it) to do the work so you can focus on the other stuff.

Time together for your husband and children needs to include qualifity time, being toegther and building up not being in a rut. It is hard, I know, but you and your dh must break this rut now. Before it goes any further.

Build up your ds, genuine nice comments when he gets it 'right' or simply when you and he and dh manage to have a good time together, however briefly. Look for things to praise him about in a way that works for him. EG a smaller child may need the 'good, well done, how lovely, you must be very proud of yourself etc.'But an older child might simply need a 'Nice job' or whatever when they do anything well (school work), get to the next level on a game or (is it possible!!) lay the table!

I am sure it is hard. I am a long way from being a perfect parent so please do not see this as a criticism! I do feel you need to build bridges and make 'friends' again before he gets too old and just goes off on his own way.

My dd is 10 and it feels like she is a teenager at the moment! Her room is a tip and there are always issues. And yet me have managed through all our many ups and downs to keep a very loving relationship. To regularly tell each other what we mean to each other. Adopting our son last year meant we really had to make a big effort to help dd know she was still special. We have a kind of 'date night' with dd one or twice a month, just a visit to a cafe or pub for a dessert together, or a cycle ride with my sport husband!

If things are treats for the whole family you may need to supervise their storage a bit carefully, I am sure it is annoying to need to do this, but it is possible. My kids have little interest in food and can still be limited by a high up shelf! I used to have a real snack habit and I would have appreciated someone getting things out of reach, hidden etc.

Good luck. It is worth it, because once everyone feels better about each other then the minor things will be seen in their true light.

I can totally recommend

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk

It is a fabulous book.

ssd · 20/02/2015 22:55

your problem is your dh, not your son

will you admit this?

sandgrown · 20/02/2015 23:09

Spring time and supermum are you the same person? Stop being so harsh on OP when she is asking for advice. My DH is much harsher than me with our 13 year old and it is hard being in the middle!

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