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Original poster

Having kids is a liability on the dating scene if you are a single mom, not so much for single dads

40 replies

Evelight · 18/02/2015 18:45

This is admittedly from my very limited observations in my close circle, but I can't help noticing that while girls are ready to date and shack up with a guy who has kids from a previous relationship very readily (provided the guy is gainfully employed and moderately decent-looking), moms with kids- especially with kids in their tweens and teen, are like dating poison ivy. Once the kids have grown up and left though, it is like a new lease of life on the dating scene.
Have others noticed this?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/02/2015 18:49

I'm sure there are plenty of men who would date and 'shack up' with gainfully employed and moderately decent looking Mums with kids too.

Original poster
Evelight · 18/02/2015 18:52

well, that is nice to know, but according to my single-mom friends (gainfully employed, moderately decent-looking), they must be very well-hidden.

OP posts:
crazylady12 · 18/02/2015 18:54

This makes me sad am only 24 and have 2 kids under 5 and know am going to be single fir a very long time because I have children I love them and wouldn't change. Them for the world ecpecially for a man

ouryve · 18/02/2015 18:54

I suppose they could regard having kids as being a very effective twat filter.

ohtheholidays · 18/02/2015 18:55

I never found that personally.I was on my own with 4DC when I met my now husband.

He had a good job,house of his own,nice car and no children of his own.
He's also good looking and 7 years younger than me,so I didn't do to bad Wink

I got asked out a lot whilst I was on my own,some people I already knew,others I didn't.None of the guys I ever dated had children of they're own but they all knew from the start that I had children.

manicinsomniac · 18/02/2015 18:58

As a single mum you're also much more likely to have your children living with you full time and that makes you very careful about introducing a man into their lives. I've never brought a man home to my children. It helps that I don't think I want a long term relationship but, even if I did, I'd be very wary of potentially hurting my kids down the line.

So, men may well be more wary on lone mothers than women are of lone fathers. But I also think lone mothers are more wary of men than lone fathers might need to be of women.

Original poster
Evelight · 18/02/2015 18:59

@crazylady- don't be sad- I am sure youth is on your side! my single-mom friends are late-thirties/early forties. Listen to ohtheholidays story, very heartening!

OP posts:
OfaFrenchMind · 18/02/2015 19:00

I would not touch a single father, as nice as he could be, with a barge pole. And he would not want me, I am terrible with kids that have no direct kinship with me.

OldLadyKnows · 18/02/2015 19:13

Hmm. My ds is a single dad, NRP but with frequent overnights (every w/e). He's had gf since splitting with his ex, but none have worked out in the longer term so far. The women he has dated have all been childfree, and the fact he puts his ds before them doesn't make them happy - totally understandable, they're mainly early 20's and not ready to be as settled as he has to be.

His ex, otoh, has a new dp and a toddler with him, so dgs wasn't much of a liability to her.

Andrewofgg · 18/02/2015 19:21

It's a very serious thing to become a legal or actual step-parent - and since children are almost always more with the mother than with the father it's likely to be a bigger deal for a man than for a woman. And many men will not do it - they just won't. And if they know it would not work it's better they don't try. That's how it is.

Men or women who become successful step-parents have a degree of altruism about them which I can only admire. The question has never arisen with me and I don't know whether I could have done it.

ohtheholidays · 18/02/2015 19:22

crazylady I was 30 when I met my now DH.

I honestly never had any problems dating.I chose to be single for a few years as I just wanted to focus on my children and myself.I liked being the boss and not having to discuss things with another adult before I made a decision that affected myself or my children.

I got asked out a lot during the years that I chose to be alone.I don't think you'll have a problem with finding a nice guy.

Fairylea · 18/02/2015 19:25

I never had any problems dating as a single mum. I was a lot younger then and had my mum for babysitting admittedly and I worked part time in a pub and a hotel so I was always meeting new people. No one ever said anything negative about me being a parent (I was in my 20s).

MyIronLung · 18/02/2015 19:31

For some single mums (me) it's hard to even get to the point of being able to meet someone. I have my dc every night of the week with very little respite (occasionally will go to gps but not regularly) so I have to arrange a sitter. If i meet someone nice who wants to see me again (soon), it's impossible as I've already used up my babysitting favour meeting him In the first place.

I give up Sad

ohtheholidays · 18/02/2015 19:37

Iron,do you have friends or relatives that could babysit for you and in return you babysit for them.You could maybe build up a few trustworthy baby sitters that way and it would save yourself and them the cost of paying for a babysitter.

MyIronLung · 18/02/2015 20:07

Not really ohthe. The problem I have is returning the babysitting as I'd have to take my dc with me. Not really possible.

I'm not too worried about it. If it's meant to happen it'll happen at some point. Sometimes I think that life's much simpler like this Grin

riverboat1 · 18/02/2015 20:08

I guess that more often the mum is the RP, and the dad has the kids less often, so simply has more time and space to develop a new relationship away from the kids.

I think it must be very hard for single mums who look after their kids most of the time to develop a new relationship, when you obviously don't want to introduce them to the children to soon, but at the same time how do you find the time to see each other regularly and often unless you do?

ohtheholidays · 18/02/2015 20:44

River myself and DH were lucky he did shifts 4 days on 4 days off.So when he was on his days off we'd see each other then.I just had to fit it around college,me working part time and helping run a charity.

Luckily he was keen on me so he didn't mind lunches grabbed here and there.My DC were all good sleepers when I met my OH so once I'd got to know him well enough he'd come round once the children were in bed asleep and we'd have a nice meal together or a take away and we'd watch a movie or sit chatting and then he'd leave at the end of the night and do the hours drive home bless him.

EatShitDerek · 18/02/2015 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stardustnight · 18/02/2015 21:08

Opposite is true in my experience.

I have seen single men flocking around women with children and it makes me uncomfortable. I have known some of my friends join POF on literally the DAY they ended it with their child's dad, then moved someone else in a month or so later.

I'm newly single. I'm not remotely interested in ever having a relationship again, and I really do mean that. I don't think it's fair on my children.

Sweetpea01 · 18/02/2015 21:14

I am 25 with a 9 & 4 year old from my long term ex partner. We split up 3 years ago.
I found lots of men were happy and willing to ask me out even with knowledge of my children. But these were mainly men in their 20s, I think men of my age and generation often don't see the full commitment that would be involved in developing a relationship with children that aren't there own.
None of my single friends in their 20s with children have ever struggled to get a boyfriend post kids. However, the way these men may treat the children can vary and they often don't see an issue getting deeply involved with the kids and then doing as immature men do and having an on/off relationship with the mother.

My ex partner found someone who is still not even 20 yet, but she has a child from a previous relationship and now they have one together. It's worked out very well for them!

My boyfriend, I have been officially seeing for 7 months. However we have been casually (but exclusively) dating for nearly two years. He has been my best friend throughout this time and it was only when we decided to make things serious that I allowed him to finally meet my children. It has gone extremely well and at Christmas he started to stay over nights once every two weeks when they are here in the house and not at their dads (alt. weekends).

I have never been happier, my boyfriend is very considerate toward my children and he enjoys time with them. He is in his 20s also and his parents are both remarried and so he has grown up with lovely role models for step parents, which I think has helped him in our situation.

So no I don't think kids are a liability but I do think that the resident parent often has far more to think about with regards to meshing everyone together carefully and thoughtfully.

ArmyDad · 18/02/2015 21:16

A friend of mine used his children and "single dad" image to cheat on his wife. I don't think many women use their kids like that.

ohtheholidays · 18/02/2015 21:20

My DH was only 23 when I met him.But it's worked for us.

We now have 5DC have been married for a good few years and he's Dad to all 5DC as far as the children,my DH and myself are concerned.All of my friends and family and his friends and family see him as being Dad to all of our children.

I honestly believe it all depends on the guy.He could be in his 40's and be immature and an idiot or he could be in his 20's and be a great fit for yourself and your children.

malteaserpleaser · 18/02/2015 22:52

It doesn't really fit in with my experience as a single mum. I casually dated a lot of guys in the years before I finally settled down (was picky and didn't want to move in with any of them until I met DH and the other men never had anything to do with my dc). Only a few of them were single dads; in general I would never have been interested in settling down with a single dad as I wouldn't want to be a stepmum and I never met their dc either.

Almost all of my friends who are single mums have also had no problems finding dates either,; for the ones who do have problems dating it is down to finding childcare or time to date rather than a willing male.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/02/2015 23:14

There have been several threads on here about what would stop you dating a man and having kids was p[ut forward as a definite turn off.

Mousefinkle · 18/02/2015 23:49

Well, before I had DC the fact a man had children would definitely have put me off him so I can completely see it from anyone's perspective if they're child free.

It just complicates things doesn't it? If you do get serious and involved down the line then eventually they'll have to meet the kids, maybe move in and suddenly become a step parent which is a massive deal and NOT a role suited to everyone. You can't be as spontaneous as someone who's child free either, everything has to be planned in advance which puts a lot of people off particularly if you're younger. It's not like you can swan off to Paris for a spontaneous romantic weekend for example.

It's easier for men I think because they're generally NRP so have the whole week in some cases to go out on dates and have a free house to go back to with dates... Plus I think women are generally viewed as being more trustworthy. A lot of single mums are weary about potential dates being paedophiles, sounds extreme but true, men don't really have the same concerns because it's so much rarer.