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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't like your attitude

126 replies

Paddleslowly · 18/02/2015 18:22

Ds and I are on holiday the trip of a lifetime staying with family as a very generous present. Ds doesn't want to go home but I politely said to him that we have to go home as things are not that simple. He replies back " well they never are with you" I was fuming and got up to go into the kitchen and he said " night" in such a nasty tone whilst he sat there still on the sofa. Is it me or is this him pushing his luck he has upset me with his shit attitude!

OP posts:
Original poster
Paddleslowly · 18/02/2015 20:46

That is battle choosing, tidying room, cleaning footy boots, homework and chores. But it seems as if he is deliberately going out of his way to be spiteful. Like he gets a kick out of doing it. Worksallhours he said it in a jokey way but I can see what you are saying. A friend of mine once said that ds acts like we are married. I thought that was inappropriate but the friend may of had a point as said up thread ds maybe trying to assert an alpha male role. And I need to tell him this is not the way to treat women at all!

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 18/02/2015 20:49

This is a totally unacceptable way to treat you.

If I were you I would use this holiday as a turning point, sit him down and tell him that being away has magnified how disrespectful he is to you and you won't put up with it anymore.

Set out some consequences that will happen from now on if he keeps up his nasty attitude and stick to them religiously.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2015 20:52

It's not the way to treat people OP, not just women. Do you think you may sometimes unconciously treat him like an adult? Do you involve him in adult decisions to do with running the house, for example, or ask his advice about career or relationship choices? The sorts of things that you would normally discuss with other adults?

Original poster
Paddleslowly · 18/02/2015 20:57

Spring I don't want this holiday to turn into an embarrassing massive sulk from him. I am also here on holiday to enjoy and relax. It's been so nice to be here with family away from the grind. Why should his shit behaviour be the focus and memory of our holiday? I'm as frustrated as you that he can't just simply behave and keep his shit comments to himself. It's not often or at all that we have a paid for holiday and I want to show my appreciation by not causing an atmosphere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paddleslowly · 18/02/2015 21:04

No I don't involve him in the running of the house. I only ask that he carry out his chores so that he earns his pocket money. As I don't want him thinking you get money for doing nothing. I haven't had a relationship for the past five years so don't involve him in that either. If anything I have protected him to much from the shit going on with his dad and friends have told me to stop doing this. I'm currently studying at the moment so no career as such just yet. As a baby I suppose I may have gone wrong because I never spoke to him in baby talk. He is simply turning into a soon to be TerrorTeen

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 18/02/2015 21:04

I am a LP of my DS who is a bit younger... I do recognise the alpha male thing...I do however use the I am an adult you are not.

I also point out that his behaviour will get him nothing. I have had a few evenings since we just came back off holiday and I have given him a bit of leeway as I know his is tired ..however he tonight has been firmly put back in place.

I also find taking stuff off him doesn't really work.. You have to find something that does work.

I do think it is important to be consistent how you respond to him. If he thinks he won't get put back into place when everyone else is around he will use it to his advantage...

As for the car journey..You are the adult... Tell him so.. Do your family have kids? Any parent has been through the need to put there kids back in place

TendonQueen · 18/02/2015 21:11

OP, I'm going to be blunt: your very kind relatives will be more embarrassed by seeing him behave badly and you just letting it go, than they will by him behaving badly and then you picking him up on it. Honestly. I have cringed inwardly at seeing the former. If the latter happened and it ended in a total meltdown, in the relatives' shoes I would totally understand that the mother had taken the right long-term approach, and I would tell her that later. Your family sound like sensible and reasonable people. They will understand. Don't let this go anymore out of a desire not to spoil the holiday. There's already an 'atmosphere' created by his behaviour - it actually reinforces the awkwardness to pretend it's not happening.

Original poster
Paddleslowly · 18/02/2015 21:21

He was being really cocky in the car saying this is a lovely view from here must sit here next time. They have a toddler who frankly is better behaved than 12 yr old ds. My relatives are very supportive and will put a rocket up his arse if they knew he spoke to me like that. But they shouldn't have to because it makes him look so brattish and ungrateful. Then I will get the comment of why did you have to tell them you are so mean. Then the sulking and the dirty looks. I'm going to have to take him alone on this one

OP posts:
DPotter · 18/02/2015 21:23

By giving your relatives the heads up on how you are dissatsified with your DS behaviour you may find they can help you especially if there's a good male role model who can have a quiet word. I certainly had a very interesting conversation with a niece many years ago saying I didn't put up with school 'friends' bullying my sister & I'm not going to start now.
Get them on side and then lay the law down. It's never too soon to make it really plain what is and is not acceptable.
On a slightly lighter note, its a family joke that it is one of the roles of parents to embarrass their teenagers so they are able tonwithstand anything else the world can throw at them. Good luck

SpringTimeIsComing · 18/02/2015 21:24

I am also here on holiday to enjoy and relax.

You're not relaxing though. From your posts you're living with a rude, disrespectful, 12 year old who "rules the roost", is demanding and obnoxious. If you choose to live that that fair enough, however you posted a thread and I responded. You have come back time and time again to various posters making excuses not to deal with your DS behaviour. As I said before, rod and back come to mind. Personally I would never take that shit from my DS or anyone else.

a2011x · 18/02/2015 21:25

Sorry but he would be on the end of a 'I'm the mother And your the child and I will do what I bloody well like ' type lecture , reign it in now . I agree do pick your battles but show it's not acceptable from the start , good luck

SpringTimeIsComing · 18/02/2015 21:27

He was being really cocky in the car saying this is a lovely view from here must sit here next time

I'm wondering who the child is here.

Original poster
Paddleslowly · 18/02/2015 21:36

Spring I don't mean to come across as defensive to your response. Yep it is as though he rules the roost in his mind. I m not making excuses not to deal with his behaviour. As tomorrow his iPad and iPhone are going to be taken away from him first thing. He will not be choosing to sit in the front again unless it's for driving his own car. I really must have looked like a right twat sitting in the back.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/02/2015 21:38

He was being really cocky in the car saying this is a lovely view from here must sit here next time.

He is testing you to see if he can push the boundaries a bit further. It really is worth getting your relatives involved OP. The more adults that reinforce expected behaviour, the better.

Who was driving the car? You could ask them to help next time. If he asks to sit in the front, the driver could say 'Actually xxx, you've had your fun but from now on it's adults first in the front seat'. Presumably he wouldn't argue with them? He might sulk but so what, sulking gets you nowhere, he will stop when he wants something.

And when that point comes and he breaks his sulk to ask for something, you tell him no. You do not feel like doing him a favour because of the way he is treating you. When he can show more respect, you will reconsider.

pointythings · 18/02/2015 21:39

I agree with all those who say get tough now. My DD1 is now 14 and she went through a really bratty, sulky stage when she turned 13 - it was incredibly hard work and I admit I lost it a few times - but that didn't work. Calm, cold and stern definitely did.

What is working for us (definitely a work in progress still) is me setting boundaries when neither of us is angry, then sticking to them. DD knows what she can and can't get away with. When she's getting obnoxious I will tell her to remove herself to her room until she can behave civilly again - what she does in there (short of smashing the place up, which she does not do) is up to her - she can scream, shout, swear, vent - all fine. We don't judge.

She always comes out and apologises and the incident is not mentioned again. These days she is getting very good at recognising her triggers and will take herself off of her own accord.

You can't tolerate rudeness and disrespect, you really can't. Being a teenager does not excuse them from the conventions of normal courtesy.

MMcanny · 18/02/2015 21:45

No, You don't just let it go, if my son spoke to me like that and he wasn't just 'being funny' I'd be fuming. I'd say, astonished, "did you say that seriously?" And if he didn't laugh as though he was joking I'd say, "Don't you EVER talk to me like that! Get to your room! That's SO RUDE and makes me so angry and hurt." He would then either burst into tears (he's 11) or go sullenly to his room and later come and apologise and tell me he loves me. He is just getting to that age and similar things have happened. I do sometimes feel a bit bad at the time like maybe I overreacted, but his response shows me I've done the right thing. Good luck with it.

bubalou · 18/02/2015 22:02

The next thing he says like that I would go NUCLEAR MUM on him.

You know when you flip out and it scares them as they don't expect it and it shows you really mean business.

He is being a shit head and you are being a pushover (don't mean to be horrible - I mean you sound lovely).

Teach him some bloody respect!
Go OP!!! Smile

Topseyt · 18/02/2015 22:42

Don't make the mistake of pandering to him just because you don't want to embarrass your relatives.

There is a high probability that they have already noticed some of the ways he treats you and are uncomfortable with it but don't feel it is their place to say anything.

Your son is probably banking on you not wanting to cause a scene in front of your hosts, and is using it to his advantage - so that he can ride roughshod over you with apparent impunity.

Call his bluff there. Pull him up short on his shocking behaviour in the very situation where he is least expecting it. Show that you are not afraid to tackle things if necessary no matter where you are and with whom.

Tell your relatives that if they feel the need to give him a good talking to as well because his behaviour is embarrassing them then you will not be offended.

He might get stroppy about it or pretend not to care, but in my experience with awkward teens and pre-teens, that often means you have hit the spot. They will just not willingly admit it.

worksallhours · 18/02/2015 23:27

Paddle ... this might be a bit hard to hear, but I have found it to be true.

You get the behaviour you tolerate.

You are, fundamentally, tolerating your DS's bad and rude behaviour towards you, so he does not stop doing it.

Maybe it might be interesting to ask yourself why you tolerate his behaviour, why you haven't gone nuclear mum before now?

bubalou · 19/02/2015 07:17

Worksallhours - very well put.

Much more eloquently then I managed. Wink

Completely agree.

Bearbehind · 19/02/2015 08:00

I can't get over this comment

But he can be such a lovely boy telling me I'm in good condition and when am I going to have another baby!

I find it quite disturbing that this is the example given of your son being 'a lovely boy'

It's wholly inappropriate for a boy to be saying things like this to his mother.

Fairenuff · 19/02/2015 14:03

How's it going OP? Is he any better today?

bigbluebus · 19/02/2015 15:00

Paddle, I sent my 18 yo to 'time out' the other day. Never too old in my opinion. He had been rude to me , refused to apologise and was getting stroppier by the minute. The time out helped him get away from the situation & think about what he'd done.

Fairenuff · 19/02/2015 15:07

My 18 year old wanted a lift yesterday but didn't want to go at the time which was more convenient to me.

She said, "You could drop (brother) off first and then come back for me".

I said "Or you could get a bus".

Funnily enough she was happy to fit in with me after that Grin

diddl · 19/02/2015 15:31

i have to say that I don't get the exchange in the OP.

He's 12, he surely knows that holidays don't go on forever & that you would be leaving on Xdate??

i think that you maybe overshare/treat him too like an adult.

He doesn't want to go home.

Shame, but you have to & it really is that simple!

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