I don't like your attitude

[Paddleslowly]

Ds and I are on holiday the trip of a lifetime staying with family as a very generous present. Ds doesn't want to go home but I politely said to him that we have to go home as things are not that simple. He replies back " well they never are with you" I was fuming and got up to go into the kitchen and he said " night" in such a nasty tone whilst he sat there still on the sofa. Is it me or is this him pushing his luck he has upset me with his shit attitude!

He can have magazines when he is earning the money to pay for them. Maybe suggest a newspaper round?

Think what you like can'tbelieve - knocking someone into next week, particularly a child, is not something I want to hear (or should go unchallenged) even if not meant entirely in the literal sense.... right back at you

Don't cook for him if he's being ride either. You are not a hotel. You don't have to suck it up

No he doesn't see his dad at all that's a whole other thread. I Don't give him to his demands it's just that I don't want him throwing a paddy infront of our relatives and making the situation uncomfortable. They have kindly invited us and taken us on some lovely trips that have cost a lot, feed us nicely and have been so welcoming. Sometimes his comments cut and I just walk away from him and keep my temper in check.

There is teenage behaviour that is OK. So they want to have an untidy room and do stuff that really just affects them. I don't care.

Then there are family issues, which are your business. Insulting you is not OK and he has to have immediate consequences. In the case of the door, could you have said to the girl, "you'll have to go ahead. I need to talk to DS about how he just spoke to me". Close the door, tell DS you will not be accepting his insults.

Yes hmc and the reference to having Childline on speed dial is really the way to register your 'challenge'.

..... and have just noticed your (sic) hmc. Cannot have anyone thinking it was your mistake can you.
Oh dear

I understand your reluctance to have a scene in front of your relatives, that would be awful for you.

When you're alone with him, give him both barrels [ in a calm and icily cold manner] and tell him you are appalled by his behaviour, it won't be tolerated and that he needs to think about how he has spoken to you as there will be consequences

Believe in yourself and don't let him undermine you by his cocky attitude.

I'm sorry to say this, but I am finding this tedious. What are you getting out of it?

Perhaps you could turn your attention back to the thread?

Hmc

Are you one of these parents that talk softly to your teenager(s) saying

"Now dont do that, thats not nice"

My aunt brought her daughter up like that. The result now at 24 years old? Shes a horrible, horrible adult who nobody wants to know. She was a horrible kid and my aunt was laughed at for the way she parented her child.

My child wont need childline number as shes being brought up to not dare treat me or anyone else like shit

Nothing wrong with what hmc said. I also don't think refusing to cook is a great punishment. Grounding, removing devices and pocket money is better imo.

Hmc

What does sic mean?

Do we really not think that there is something between, "I would of knocked him into the middle of next week!" and "Now dont do that, thats not nice" because ALL my parenting falls between those two.

Personally I'm with hmc on not talking about physical violence with children.

It's hard work and wearing me down the constant snipes. He has fronted me out in the past trying to push his chest out like King Kong. But he can be such a lovely boy telling me I'm in good condition and when am I going to have another baby! That shop has long since shut. I keep having to talk to him and taking his things away but it's like he just doesn't give a shit and that's the worrying thing

Hear hear MrsTP

Paddle are you a single Mum with just DS?
Asking as it sounds like he's challenging you and going for 'alpha' male status plus raging hormones! Awful place for both of you.
My DS did this to me at that age and I had to so, so hard on him.
We had a nighmare few years but you have to keep reprimanding, laying the law down and being what will make you feel unkind.
I kept repeating to my DS "I am the adult, I pay the bills etc and so you do as you are told/asked' Oh and I think over the past few years fuck off may have slipped out ... so slay me I'm not a perfect Mother!
We got through it.

"I feel as if I'm the sodding kid and he's the adult and I'm trying to hold back going nuclear on him"
Stop holding back. Really, stop it. It's a predictable consequence of being a rude little shit to a parent.

"I don't want him throwing a paddy infront of our relatives and making the situation uncomfortable"
Give them a heads up - 'DS is being a pain, I need to rein him in, he will kick off a bit, OK?' and then just do it. And when he kicks off, tell him clearly that the fact that he has kicked off just confirms that he is a naughty LITTLE boy.

"Sometimes his comments cut and I just walk away from him and keep my temper in check."
Don't. He's taking that as winning, and it encourages him to push again.

"it's like he just doesn't give a shit and that's the worrying thing"
He does give a shit. But he's learned that if he gives that impression, you give up. OP, you need to learn to not blink first.

You are in a difficult situation, but just keep telling yourself:

1. I am the adult in this relationship
2. I need to be cruel to be kind
3. Do it now, it will be harder the more entrenched his behaviour becomes

Yes he will kick off. Yes you will question whether you are doing the right thing. But as it stands, with him getting worse, you must know that the tactics you are using now are not working. You need to change how you deal with him. Best of luck.

No, CountingThePennies - I am pretty firm with my dc (sanctions etc for poor behaviour)I agree with you that it's not advisable to let dc behave as they please with little regard for others....as perhaps your Aunt did

OP has had some constructive advice on here, but agree that as Pictish says it is about choosing your battles. The OP's ds letting off some steam about the holiday ending doesn't seem too appalling, but in the context of some of the other behaviours that the OP has since described (rudeness about personal appearance, dismissive hand in the face etc) it does sound like he needs reigning in

telling me I'm in good condition and when am I going to have another baby!

Erm ... this may be just me, and I may be very old-fashioned , but I wouldn't think this was a very appropriate thing for a 12-year-old boy to say to his mother.

To me, op, it doesn't sound as though there is a parent/child style relationship here. Your DS is talking to you almost in the way a cocky bloke would talk to his long-suffering girlfriend.

I think for me battle choosing would include tidying bedrooms, doing their chores, homework, sibling arguments and the like.

I think the OP at least recognises the issues. Some parents either don't really notice or choose to ignore rather than set up potential confrontations.

I really hope you can sort this OP.

Yes a single mum to only ds and I agree with the alpha male raging hormones going on. The slip of the fuck off made me laugh as I can count on one hand the amount of times I've sworn at him. He goes all shocked and says "did you just use the f word at me"? And I feel like a little kid that's stolen a lollipop! Then I have to check myself and tell him yes I did because you are being rude and you have made me cross.
Whereyouleftit good advice.
I'm getting tired of the hand in my face. I'm going to tape it to his head so his friends ask why it's there!!

It's mostly the way he talks to you and puts you down OP. He needs to understand that you won't tolerate it. Putting his hand in front of your face is so rude.

My dd once put her hand over my mouth when I was talking to her because she didn't want to listen. She was about 14. I went absolutely icy cold, dropped my tone right down, gave her the most serious 'you are in big trouble' glare and spoke very slowly and quietly. I said 'That. Is the the first. And last. Time. You EVER. Lay a hand on me in anger. DO you understand'.

That's the sort of thing I'm talking about. You have to sound like you mean it. Even if you are not sure of yourself, do it anyway and your confidence will grow.

Btw don't make allowances for age. His teachers will be very experienced in dealing with teenagers, do you think they would let him speak to them like that?

Oh god it's hard isn't it?!
My dd(17) went through a completely vile stage when she was 13/14. I honestly thought that we wouldn't have any kind of relationship when she was older because she really seemed to hate me. I would go to bed and cry over the state of our relationship. I'm a lp too.

I gave up shouting because all I got from that was shouting back at me/ her flouncing off out the door (at any time of the day or night so then I'd be worried sick about where she was/what she was doing) and more ammunition for her to throw at me.

Taking things away was good (for me, it made me feel like I was doing something and I think I liked her being upset that she'd lost her tv/phone/pocket money , being completely honest, I wanted her to feel upset because she upset me so much, iyswim?) this wasn't a good way to deal with things so I stopped.

The thing that really worked for me was not getting worked up and letting her see that she had got to me. its so hard to do but it worked in the end.
I stopped engaging in anything negative with her. When she spoke to me like I was something she'd trod in I didn't answer her or engage at all. I'd leave the room and get on with something else completely ignoring her. The rest of the time I carried on as normal. This tactic kind of took the wind out of her sails.

Good luck op, they're little buggers who rip your heart out but I promise they do come out of it.
My dd is now 17, she's lovely and I'm very proud of her. You really wouldn't recognise her from a few years ago.

I started to speak to my DS as if he was a very small child and extremely patronising, did this as he would say 'why are you speaking to me like x,y or z' my stock reply was 'you choice is to speak to me like I'm some form of shite on your shoe, so I am just repaying you and talking to you as a small child who knows nothing'... he got bored before I did!
So hard when it's just the 2 of you, the relationship boundries can become very blurred and you need to take back being MUM/the adult and insist that unless he speaks/shows you respect then you will take that privalidge away too ( as well as grounding, no treats etc).
Unblur the boundries OP and no matter how mean/awful you feel stick to it or he will grow into an arogant twat :)

This thread is so frustrating!

OP your DS is 12 and treats you like shit. You are allowing him to bully your and disrespect you and you don't want a scene in front of the relatives you are staying with. They WILL see how wrong his behaviour is. I know I would if someone was staying with me. You are letting a 12 year old run rings round you, flex his little bolshy muscles and accepting his awful behaviour. You allow him to comment on your appearance, decide where he sits in a car, speak down to you when his friends are at the door yet you say you don't give into his demands? That's EXACTLY what you are doing. God forbid what your life will be like when he's 16 if you choose to carry on the way you are. The choice is yours, afterall, you are the PARENT.