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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be taken aback by what friend said

120 replies

honeycoco · 18/02/2015 14:24

My friend is gay and is hoping to start a family. Her wife is a bit too old to carry a child and so friend will be the biological mum: however, she really, really doesn't want to be pregnant.

I asked if they'd thought about adoption and she said 'oh NO definitely not, we don't want someone else's child, we want ours!"

AIBU to think this wasn't very nice?

OP posts:
SqueezyCheeseWeasel · 18/02/2015 14:25

It's honest.

Have you got children?

Yesitismeagain · 18/02/2015 14:26

There are a lot of people with that view. Being gay has nothing to do with it.

OfaFrenchMind · 18/02/2015 14:26

It's neither mean nor nice, it's how she feels.

FarFromAnyRoad · 18/02/2015 14:26

You might not think it 'nice' but it's what they feel. They're as entitled to that as you are to your discomfort at what was said.

Original poster
honeycoco · 18/02/2015 14:26

I know being gay has nothing to do with it! I was explaining why they are looking at non-conventional methods of becoming a parent!

Yes I have 2 children.

OP posts:
DraggingDownDownDown · 18/02/2015 14:27

Except it won't all be "their" child - will it!!

Teeb · 18/02/2015 14:27

I don't understand what you don't think is nice?

CasperGutman · 18/02/2015 14:27

Many people feel this way. Why else would fertility treatments be needed?

adsy · 18/02/2015 14:28

I wouldn't want to bring up a child which wasn't biologically mine. What's wrong with that?

mytartanscarf · 18/02/2015 14:28

Unfortunately she's right in a way. Assuming you're in the UK, the system does like to frequently remind adopters they aren't the 'real' parents Hmm

Having said that I wouldn't like to hear it either. I gave up a child for adoption and that's not "my" child; I am sure her mum and dad would be mortified to near me described as such too.

GoodSouls · 18/02/2015 14:29

I think it's cold, unthinking and mean, but it's her thoughts I suppose. Has she got any ideas where this baby is going to come from then?
As its not from her or her wife? Is she sounding you out to be surrogateWink

mytartanscarf · 18/02/2015 14:31

It's not mean?

Can you imagine if you'd adopted a child and then someone said "he is someone elses" - you wouldn't think that a little off?

Nothing wrong with not wanting to adopt but saying 'I don't think it would feel like my child' is very different to saying 'huh, not parenting someone elses!'

SaucyJack · 18/02/2015 14:32

YABU.

99.99999% (or whatevs) of fertile couples choose to have their own child over applying to adopt, so presumably we all share this view even if we're never put in a situation where we voice it out loud.

gofruityourself · 18/02/2015 14:32

You have two children? Are they biologically yours?

If so then why didn't you adopt instead of having your own?

Because you wanted your own right, just like your friend does.

Original poster
honeycoco · 18/02/2015 14:33

Wat I don't think is very nice is the insinuation that adopted children aren't the children of their mum and dad. I don't mind that someone feels that way but I think acknowledging it as a feeling is important not stating it as a fact.

OP posts:
MoanCollins · 18/02/2015 14:33

Have you adopted children rather than having your own? Or do you intend to do so? Because otherwise you are a hypocrite.

Being pregnant isn't necessarily a barrel of laughs and a lot of women don't enjoy it and feel it is something to be endured. Just because your friend isn't looking forward to being some kind of barefoot earth mother painting her bump and knitting booties with a beatific smile on her face doesn't mean she has any less right to be pregnant with a child than you do.

And as I said, unless you intend to adopt yourself then you have no right to demand other people do. Her reproductive options have fuck all to do with you and I suggest you butt out.

Original poster
honeycoco · 18/02/2015 14:34

Just to clarify: I'm not saying people should adopt if they don't want to!

I think the way it was phrased was unkind however. It implied that adoptive families aren't really the children of their parents - it was that I didn't like.

OP posts:
OddBoots · 18/02/2015 14:34

It's a mean thing to say but if that is how they would view an adopted child then it wouldn't be in a child's interests to be placed with them so it's a good thing they rule themselves out.

adsy · 18/02/2015 14:35

she feels an adopted child wouldn't be theirs. I'm sure people who adopt do feel the child is theirs. People are allowed different views you knw

SoonToBeMrsB · 18/02/2015 14:35

A colleague of mine is about to start fertility treatment and when I asked what their next step would be should the treatment not work she said they'd give up because they know in their hearts that they wouldn't love someone else's child as much as if it were their own.

That's her honest opinion.

Original poster
honeycoco · 18/02/2015 14:35

Goodness Moan of course I'm not criticising her choices - any of them.

It was the wording I didn't like!

OP posts:
MoanCollins · 18/02/2015 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

adsy · 18/02/2015 14:36

Actually, maybe lots of adoptive parents don't feel the child to be truly theirs but love them with the same passion a biological parent would. Does that make them bad people?

MoanCollins · 18/02/2015 14:37

Well why didn't YOU adopt then?

BinarySolo · 18/02/2015 14:38

My cousin can't have kids and won't adopt with his wife for the same reason. I think it's really harsh for his wife who desperately wants kids, but then I also think if you're adoptig then both parents need to be fully on board.

I can see where you're coming from especially as a pp pointed out, the baby will only genetically belong to one parent anyway.