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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be taken aback by what friend said

120 replies

honeycoco · 18/02/2015 14:24

My friend is gay and is hoping to start a family. Her wife is a bit too old to carry a child and so friend will be the biological mum: however, she really, really doesn't want to be pregnant.

I asked if they'd thought about adoption and she said 'oh NO definitely not, we don't want someone else's child, we want ours!"

AIBU to think this wasn't very nice?

OP posts:
mytartanscarf · 18/02/2015 14:38

Problem is, she didn't say 'it wouldn't feel like mine', did she?

No one is objecting to an opinion!

But to be so rude and dismissive about adopted children and to suggest they - all of them - are not 'really' belonging to their parents - is fucking disgusting.

My (biological) child is NOT mine. She is by law and I am sure, love, her mum and dads.

I don't care much if others adopt or not but how fucking DARE anyone say an adopted child isn't really the child of the people who adopted them?

Are you lot being deliberately obtuse or something?

MummyBeerest · 18/02/2015 14:39

Lots of people feel this way unfortunately.

My cousin, who is adopted, has never been accepted as a grandchild by my grandparents because she's not biologically related to them. She's treated very differently from my sisters and cousins and had a very difficult time growing up.

I think it's ridiculous. Because there's no right way to be a family.

dustarr73 · 18/02/2015 14:40

But surely any children her partner and her have wont be all "theirs" either.

Original poster
honeycoco · 18/02/2015 14:40

Moan - actually I am also a gay woman, but if you don't mind, I won't participate any further.

I have clarified that I don't much care or mind whether she adopts or not but the wording was I felt, clumsy and as someone said potentially insulting to adoptive families.

Only one of my children "came out of my minge" the other did not, I won't say any more as I don't think much more needs to be said.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 18/02/2015 14:49

I don't think people are being obtuse tartan- just that people who haven't chosen to go down that route see it in a more matter of fact way.

Noone's trying to disparage the relationship between adoptive parents and children.

mytartanscarf · 18/02/2015 14:56

It reads very clearly to me as if they ARE I am afraid: by the very statement i don't want to bring up someone elses (child)

When you adopt you are that childs parent: the law states it to be the case apart from the fact people generally don't adopt on a whim!

It doesn't matter whether someone doesn't want to adopt or have IVF or whatever but at the very least people need to be respectful and they need to acknowledge opinion as such. Saying "I don't think adoption is for me: I don't think it would feel like mine' is to me perfectly respectful and polite but the example cited in the OP is not. It's arrogant, dismissive and rude.

gofruityourself · 18/02/2015 14:56

Did you really just use the phrase "out my minge"

You're not worth any more of time.

OfaFrenchMind · 18/02/2015 14:59

gofruityourself In OP defense, even if I do not agree with her, she was quoting a previous poster.

mytartanscarf · 18/02/2015 15:02

But it's okay when moan Collins used it, right fruit?

Whoishillgirl · 18/02/2015 15:10

I agree the wording is insensitive. Adopted children are the children of their adoptive parents.
But your friend clearly meant, a child that is biologically their's so probably just spoke a bit inaccurately. Though as a pp said, the child can't biologically be related to both in a gay couple?

ChipDip · 18/02/2015 15:21

It's obvious your friend is only talking about herself but if you choose to see it as a generalization then you will be offended.
She's being honest and many people feel this way.

Toughasoldboots · 18/02/2015 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

countessmarkyabitch · 18/02/2015 15:36

Not very nice? Don't be daft, it was an honest and perfectly acceptable answer. Many many people feel the same, its nothing against adoption as a principle, or for others, and its not at all insulting to adopters or adopted people.

I have friends who adopted, I'm delighted for them and supportive of them. But I would never do it myself, for my own reasons. Why shouldn't I say so if asked the direct question?

countessmarkyabitch · 18/02/2015 15:39

And it doesn't imply anything unless you choose to go looking for insults. Which half of aibu is obsessed with doing, it seems.

ConfusedInBath · 18/02/2015 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrenchJunebug · 18/02/2015 16:22

she talked about her personal feeling not about all adopted kid. YABVU.

sanfairyanne · 18/02/2015 16:28

really cant see what the fuss is about here

mytartanscarf · 18/02/2015 16:38

Yes the op has made a HUGE fuss hadn't she? Oh wait ....

FightOrFlight · 18/02/2015 16:42

The thing is, they presumably want to raise a child from birth and that simply wont happen with adoption.

A gay couple where at least one partner is considered an older parent by Social Services would most likely be offered older children who is likely to be emotionally damaged in some way. I don't mean that as an insult, just pointing out that if you have been removed from your birth parents and gone through the care system then it will have been traumatic.

The vetting process for adoption is (rightfully) a long and drawn out process which is emotionally draining for the people looking to adopt. It takes years from application to adoption.

Perhaps they need to look at a private arrangement with a surrogate?

sanfairyanne · 18/02/2015 16:42

it was mostly you making the fuss to be honest Grin

WannaBe · 18/02/2015 16:45

the fact that it won't be all her's is a red herring surely? when you have a child with someone else it isn't all yours either is it? because half of it is genetically your partner's.

An adopted children is biologically someone else's child. You can't escape this fact, and reality is that when you adopt you are unlikely to get a baby, so a child comes to you with previous issues from their background, their parentage, bonds with others you have not been a part of and this can all lead to the opinion that it is someone else's child. And it takes time for an adopted child to become emotionally yours, the process is not the same as having a biological child. Oh, and add into the equation that there is an expectation of some kind of contact with biological links, and it is entirely understandable that someone who hasn't even started down that kind of process wouldn't be able to view an adopted child as their child.

This doesn't mean that they view all adopted children that way, just that they wouldn't view a child that way. iyswim.

It's an honest opinion, and it isn't wrong. Someone who adopts does so for their own reasons. But not adopting is no less valid a choice.

mytartanscarf · 18/02/2015 16:46

That was what I mean Wink didn't want the poor op getting the blame!

Fight I don't think anyone including the op is taking issue with someone NOT wanting to adopt! But implying children who are adopted aren't really their adoptive parents' isn't on.

FightOrFlight · 18/02/2015 16:56

But implying children who are adopted aren't really their adoptive parents' isn't on.

I agree but it seems the woman in question was talking about her feelings about adoption relating to herself rather than a blanket statement about other people. At least I hope that's the case!

itsbetterthanabox · 18/02/2015 17:01

I think it's sad more people don't want to adopt and I think a big part of it is that it's such a long, drawn out process and children aren't placed quickly which would mean more younger children for potential parents and it'd be better for the children.

RainingSocks · 18/02/2015 17:05

I don't think she was implying anything about other adoptive families, you were just inferring something that wasn't really there. Having a biological connection is extremely important to some people and less important to others, and has no bearing at all on how 'nice' a person is.

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