To be taken aback by what friend said

[honeycoco]

My friend is gay and is hoping to start a family. Her wife is a bit too old to carry a child and so friend will be the biological mum: however, she really, really doesn't want to be pregnant.

I asked if they'd thought about adoption and she said 'oh NO definitely not, we don't want someone else's child, we want ours!"

AIBU to think this wasn't very nice?

Adsy I don't think less of her, exactly, but I was as I said in my title "taken aback" - not raging, or smashing up bus shelters on the way home I think miffed, or put out slightly would be a fair description.

I think as tartan said, I wouldn't have minded if she had said "ooh, I don't think that would feel quite right, it would feel like raising someone else's child." But the way she stated almost as a fact that this is what adoption is - raising someone else's child - was what had me making the face!

Should only the gay, the infertile, the single adopt?

Ergh, I put that wrong: why do people always suggest adoption for those who face challenges in getting pregnant 'naturally' -- is adoption only some sort of 'second best' for those who are also 'second best' parents?

To put it another way It was interesting, when I was widowed suddenly one of the causes of deep grief & regret was that my DS would be an only child (I come from a very large family). I thought about adoption, but the number of people who said "Why? You could conceive your own if you met another man." They were quite surprised I would even think of adoption when I'd proved I could bear a child 'naturally.'

There are plenty of people who feel this way. In fact if the vast majority of people didn't feel this way then there would be no children up for adoption at any time since at the point at which one was ready for a child it would be just as likely that one would adopt rather than get pregnant.

YABU and rather overly PC.

Oh gosh no - I would not do that! I'd like to think no one who adopted would

However, she does have something of a phobia regarding childbirth and had been saying that they wanted children but probably wouldn't because of this and so in that context I think asking if she might want to adopt it was okay.

Mrs perhaps I should take it as a compliment that people think DC looks so like me they forget she is adopted! Both DC look eerily alike considering they don't share a scrap of genetic material!

Coming from somebody who freely admits I could never adopt ( so go gently on me) if someone adopts a much older child, say 14 or so, do you still think of that child as "yours" even though the formative years have been with other people. When a child has that much history is it fairer to acknowledge the other parents or are such late adoptions such a rarity it never comes up? I'm trying to say, no doubt very cakhandedly, is there an age at which you shouldn't wipe the slate clean so to speak. Where you are the child's parent but also know there has been another parent.
genuinely not trying to offend!!!

I was adopted at 10 after spending years in foster care. A potential adoption broke down when I was 7 after the woman realised 12 months in that she didn't love me the way she loved her two biological sons. The damage that did is indescribable. The only reason I'm half-way fine now is because my adoptive parents at age 10 were incredible people who never made me feel second-best. I now have two boys of my own. I had ES before DH and I met and we now have YS. Both call him Daddy, both are 'his' in his head. He's never (to my knowledge) treated them differently, pushed ES away or allowed any of his family to treat ES differently.

Here's the sticking point, I want to adopt a child rather than having another biological child. DH says he fears he wouldn't love an adopted child the way he loves our two. It makes no sense when you think that ES isn't his biological child, but I have to respect that he is at least honest enough to say something like that rather than adopt a child and treat them differently and have a potentially awful situation.

It might have been worded very badly but I sort of understand the sentiment; some people are cut out for adoption, some just aren't. Far better to be brutally honest than to stay quiet and cause future problems.

Children aren't generally adopted at that age, adsy: i think the average age for adoption is around 4.

We are a gay couple. My partner is quite overweight - more of her to love - but it does mean safely carrying a pregnancy is out. After spending £23,000 on fertility treatment for Dc1 we decided on adoption for Dc2.

They are both mine. They both make my heart melt. Both annoy the hell out of me Both make me so happy. Sorry for soppy moment hehe.

Adsy I tend to think your parents are the ones who pick you up, give you unconditional love and spend their loves trying to put the pieces of your shitty childhood back together again. If you don't meet them til you're 14, you still need so much love and attention and care that, yeah, in my opinion, they're your parents. Doesn't matter about quantity so much as quality.

My adoptive parents weren't there for the first ten years. But the last 23 have been nothing short of brilliant thanks to them. You can't undo those first ten years but you can override them with enough support and kindness.

charlotte the difference is probably that ES is YOUR biological child and your DH loves you and all you bring. To him, an adopted child has no biological link with either of you.

I get that your parents are the ones that love you, care for you etc. What I'm trying to understand is would you still see the child as "yours" if they were a teenager and basically the child rearing has already been done? I'm not saying you wouldn't love them or treat them as your own, but would you think of them as having had 2 mums?

OK. I guess it's like me feeling my DC are "mine" but also knowing their my dh's as well.

My oldest two were 13 and 15 when I married their dad, I consider them both to be my kids. They consider me to be their mum. The only time there has been an inkling that this is not the case was when DS partner referred to 'real mum', everyone just looked at him and I went home and cried

Someone mentioned PC upthread, thats total nonsense, its nothing to do with being PC or looking for something to be offended by. Suggesting that I'm not my kids 'real' mum is ignorant at best and intentionally fucking offensive at worst. Nothing to do with PC.

if the woman had said it to an adoptive parent them yes it would have been crass and insensitive, but she didn't. she said it to op whose children are hers biologically

judg please read all the OP's replies. Op has one adopted child and 2 biological.
It does put a slightly different slant on it that she knows OP is an adoptive parent

For the people who have adopted, what are your feelings about if/when your child(ren) decide to trace their birth parents?

I know 3 people who have been adopted and they have all made contact with their birth parents. Two of the reunions failed miserably but the other person now sees a lot of her birth mother and considers her as her 'real' mum despite being adopted at the age of 3. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be for the adoptive parents.

Having a biological child is the ' quick & easy' way to become a parent and excluding fertility issues is something most of us do without any prior thought as how we are going to achieve being the best parent we possibly can. I've lost count of the amount of times friends and acquaintances have indeed commented that the thought of actually 'planning' to have a child scares the living daylights out of them,instead they had 'happy accidents'.

Compare that to the long and intrusive process that an prospective adopter has to go through to become a parent having their life,relationships,thoughts ,feelings etc reported on and picked apart and the self questioning as to "how good a parent will I be ? ".

Anyone can give birth or father a child (barring those with fertility issues of course) it takes a lot more commitment to go through the adoption process.

As an adopted child I can assure anyone that my 'real mother' is the one that nursed me through chicken pox,wiped my snotty nose,and saw me through teenage heartbreak and above all loved me unconditionally when the going got tough - I am a product of my parents love and upbringing and not the product of two strangers who just happened to supply an egg and some sperm.

Possibly not as hurtful as all your faults being put down to you not being their biological child......

I'm adopted and that happened to me. Which is why I'm all in favour of people being able to say they couldn't "bring up someone else's child" and that potential adopters have to go through a lengthy process and jump through hoops.

But WHY are you assuming that a comment made about her and her feelings is in any way about YOU? Thats what I don't get. You say it implies things about you and others....isn't that just a bit narcissistic?

Thats not the same thing, really.

Its the assuming it says anything about you bit I don't get. People don't think through every thing they say, they answer off the cuff. Op's friend was talking about her own thoughts about her own family, it probably didn't occur to her for a second that OP would think it was remotely about her.
Sure, I can see that its something that you may be sensitive about, especially if others have said offensive or crass things. But you don't need to assume that someones opinion for themselves says anything about their feelings about you. Especially if they are your friend who presumably knows all about your family and has never said or done anything negative to or about them.

I should add that yes maybe it was a bit clunky and she could have put it better, but like I said, we don't analyse every comment we make before we open our mouths.

MrsD - the reason I didn't include my personal circumstances in my OP was deliberate, largely because despite what some think I wasn't personally offended by the remark.

I felt it was potentially quite insulting to all children living with parents who have adopted them. I of course appreciate adoption isn't for everyone but, having reached that conclusion, to then assume that the role of the adoptive parent is to "bring up someone else's child" is not a fair one.

Unfortunately - and while I dislike it when an OP insists she has been misunderstood - however I feel I have been by some.

My post has been interpreted as "I am angry my friend refuses to adopt" when in fact it is "I am miffed my friend sees adoption this way." I have to admit I mentioned my own circumstances because I became a tiny bit exasperated with the surly 'well why haven't YOU adopted' comments! But in any case it is irrelevant: if both my children (I have two, not three) were birth children I'd still feel friends comment was misinformed and ill-judged,which does not equate to "she should adopt!"