To think that when you've got a trail of people in your past who you've fallen out with, chances are your the one with the issue?

[JellyDiamonds]

I am referring to a specific person here. Doesn't speak to various family member due to a falling out, fair enough it happens. But this person has also fallen out with numerous friends over the years, has many acrimonious and broken relationships and has either walked out of or been sacked from every single job they've ever had.

This person has a real woe is me attitude, "it's not fair, everyone I meet turns on me", but the thing is not hard to see why. They are overbearing, bossy, they undermine people, take offence over the most ridiculous things, hold grudges etc. I've also witnessed some rather unpleasant behaviour regarding this person completely freezing someone else out for no other reason than the fact they dared to disagree on something. The other person was genuinely distraught over this and still is. But the protagonist in this story is playing the victim once again....

As someone who can count on one hand the number of people I've genuinely fallen out with in my 30 years on this earth and I'm going right back to childhood, and as someone who also can't be arsed with grudges, I think it's unlikely in this scenario that the other people are the ones to blame.

Apologies for being cryptic but I'm taking about someone specific here.

YANBU. I used to be friends with someone like this. Everyone caused her a problem at some point - family, friends, colleagues, boyfriends, housemates...
She dropped me, and I still don't know why. Maybe because she never managed to fall out with me, and that was ruining her record for...er...falling out with people.
I made some efforts to get back in touch, she didn't reply, so I've accepted that I'm now probably on 'that list'.

Haven't rtft but sounds like you know my mother in law

Invariably true.
There are threads on here where posters appear to constantly fall out with everyone and I always think they must be the one with the difficult attitude.

Don'tdrinkandfacebook has described it to a tee. It's actually such a relief to realise I'm not a crap person but just overwhelmed by someone being so "there for me" whether I like or need it and then expect the same fawning devotion in return. Recently fell out with someone like this but they didn't take no for an answer so still "friends"....will keep extricating myself as it's not healthy to have people like this in your life.

Oh yes. This thread is good for dumpees like some of us are! So much identify with 'all favours are forgotten'. Completely gobsmacking when there've been a lot of things done for someone, financially and supporting and helping. I never do anything for anyone for thanks. But it's unfair not to take into account how supportive someone (me) has been when you decide to turn on someone for no reason at all!

Greetings from the other side :-)

This is a tough thread to read as I am that person.

I'm the weird loner at school who was bullied for not conforming (when in reality I really didn't know how to reach out and engage socially and would fight back and stay fighty). I'm the person who overreacts to neighbours noise and inconsideration because I take it overly personally and feel infringed on. I'm the person who goes out of my way for friends, because I genuinely like them and want to help them then feel upset when I ask for a hand in return to have it refused. From my perspective it feels like I rarely ask for help; am supremely independent and it makes me feel vulnerable to ask for help so when it's refused, it feels personal.

I am the person who has been frozen out by friends who have lost patience with me and have frozen friends out because I have felt betrayed and can't bring myself to say anything nice so choose to say absolutely nothing at all, ever again. I've never had a sexual grown up relationship with another adult because of all of the things you've mentioned in your posts; they come together to make me feel unworthy of anyone's time and because of all the fighty aggression, men can be particularly nasty. They do not like/understand women who don't flirt.

I'm also the person who has donor conceived children.

I know it's me but it doesn't stop me feeling the intense unfairness of situations as they arise. I don't feel like a victim but I do perceive my treatment as 'different' or 'unfair' in social and office environments. I tried to have counselling for it once but it turns out, I froze the counsellor out and acted aggressively towards her too so I've yet again pushed help away :-)

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post but I hope it reveals a little bit of the human being who struggles on a daily basis with the world and where she fits in it.

Some of you mentioned Border Line Personality Disorder which I think is a possibility and I've also often wondered if I'm maybe somewhere 'on the spectrum' as I just don't understand how I ended up in the middle of some of the emotional standoffs I'm in the middle of.

To all those who haven't completely disowned their 'difficult friend' I thank you.

Hugs.

Although I'm not sure there is anything that anyone can do to help, except yourself. :(

Purple that's a very brave post and acknowledging it is the first step. [flowers[

What do you do when your diva friend is the organiser/centre of your group? If she falls out with me, I lose my other friends, her dp and mine are best friends. I could Wendy her....

Oh purple I didn't see your post. Sorry

Oh don't mind me ;-) Carry on. I'm not asking for help or sympathy, I guess I just wanted to try and humanise the other person a little but that's only a guess coz as I said I'm not really sure why I posted lol

purple I suppose we just assume that these friends are so thick skinned they won't care what we think. Clearly you do. I might be a bit more understanding with my friend. Its hard though, she is very demanding.

Yes, in my case it's more a matter of being so thin skinned that everything hursts and I imagine that's true for many if your friends and the other 'difficults' lurking and reading. It doesn't mean you don't get to feel pissed off at us but yeah of course humans care what humans think :-)

I wouldn't think thick skinned either, but the problem is that we end up being hurt by these friends that are so demanding and so sensitive and who get so angry with us for the tiniest things.
It's more like self preservation if we end up not trying to make up, or decide to distance ourselves.

Yeah I totay get it. I'm not trying to minimise your right to be upset and annoyed :-) My defences can be vicious when they're up.

Purple can I ask something?

Do you know when you are doing it and do you try to stop yourself from feeling so attacked or going on the defensive? Does it affect your relationship with your children, kids can be very cruel!

It must be so hard to feel like that.

Ah that's tge kicker. I don't know I'm slipping into it. I can sometimes realise when I'm in the middle of it in 'hoe the fuck did I end up here again?' way. I hope not to affect my children (a toddler and one on the way) but time will tell how successful I am.

Maybe CBT would be better than therapy for you then? Coping mechanisms so when you start to feel defensive you can use techniques to try and rein yourself in?

It's not just kids that can be cruel by the way. As soon as adults isolate the weirdo or the other, they form a playground like pack too. I think that's fairly normal survival behaviour tho sadly.

My awareness at this stage of my life does make me rethink/look at current bullying and wonder how much the victim brings toward themselves (and I realise that sounds like victim blaming).

Aye, CBT has been suggested. I think it's just such an ingrained part of who I/we are by the time we're adults it's more of a dust yourself off and start again strategy :-)

I am totally going to have to name change after this

:o

"As soon as adults isolate the weirdo or the other, they form a playground like pack too."
Purple can you give an example of this?

"As soon as adults isolate the weirdo or the other, they form a playground like pack too."

Playground packs are reminiscent of adult group behaviour. And humans, as a social group, share information about each other and do form groups of friendship.
I think once you have fallen out with most people to feel like they form a tight group that snubs you, but it may be only because somehow you have alienated most of them individually.

And it's not necessarily the "weirdo".

Adult pack? It happens all the time on MN! Someone posts, gets a few sympathetic replies, then one person decides to pick apart word by word what the OP has said, and all the sheep join in....I have seen it so many time, usually on a Friday night. It is why I Nc, and will rarely post. It happened to me. I asked for advice, and people offered opinions, some of them opposing, then one poster decided to get nasty, and they all joined in. I had half a dozen PM's expressing disgust at what had happened. I simply hid the thread and didn't go on Mn for a year or so.