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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that when you've got a trail of people in your past who you've fallen out with, chances are your the one with the issue?

171 replies

JellyDiamonds · 18/02/2015 12:31

I am referring to a specific person here. Doesn't speak to various family member due to a falling out, fair enough it happens. But this person has also fallen out with numerous friends over the years, has many acrimonious and broken relationships and has either walked out of or been sacked from every single job they've ever had.

This person has a real woe is me attitude, "it's not fair, everyone I meet turns on me", but the thing is not hard to see why. They are overbearing, bossy, they undermine people, take offence over the most ridiculous things, hold grudges etc. I've also witnessed some rather unpleasant behaviour regarding this person completely freezing someone else out for no other reason than the fact they dared to disagree on something. The other person was genuinely distraught over this and still is. But the protagonist in this story is playing the victim once again....

As someone who can count on one hand the number of people I've genuinely fallen out with in my 30 years on this earth and I'm going right back to childhood, and as someone who also can't be arsed with grudges, I think it's unlikely in this scenario that the other people are the ones to blame.

Apologies for being cryptic but I'm taking about someone specific here.

OP posts:
SpaghettiMeatballs · 18/02/2015 13:53

YANBU! I knew someone like this. In addition to the behaviour you've outlined she had 'walked out' of countless jobs 'on principle' because apparently every employer she ever had was an unreasonable, bullying bastard.

GallicIsCharlie · 18/02/2015 13:57

I don't know who the OP is about. Neither do I know the person in Behind's post, but I would say some organisations just have a bullying ethos and once a 'target' is fixed, they'll be bullied in any department. The only correct response is to leave (and sue the bastards, if it was bad enough) but women are more likely to stick with a bad situation, trying to make it better.

Can you tell I know some people say this about me? Grin I am the common factor, obviously - what with it being my life and all - and I'd say what NoStrange says. I didn't fall out with a lot of people I should have run away from. Then I woke up, and fell out with a whole string of 'em!

Professional victims do exist, though. I ditched a few along with the bullies & wankers.

Whippet81 · 18/02/2015 13:59

I could have written that word for word about someone I know.

If it wasn't for the fact she is such an overbearing bully and sets people against each other I would almost feel sorry for her. I have friends that I have known for over 20 years and like you can count on one hand the number of people I have fallen out with - funnily enough they are all people like this who could fall out with their own shadow.

She is clearly the common denominator.

ourglass · 18/02/2015 13:59

Yes, it's usally true.

NickiFury · 18/02/2015 14:04

I agree with nostrange. I've fallen out with and yelled at loads of people recently but I started thinking about it and they're the ones who have been sh*t bags to me for ages, my parents, my ex H. I think there is a lot to be said for most people in your life getting used to treating you a certain way and then when you change or life events mean you can't be their go to to take frustrations out on anymore then it will look like you're falling out with everyone when you stop allowing yourself to be spoken down to etc.

I've had two children diagnosed with autism in the last four years, I'm a lone parent doing it ALL by myself. I simply don't have time for diplomacy and giving anyone else emotional input. It's my turn now but lots of people don't like that kind of change in a person. To hear my family speak I am horrible aggressive and argumentative, but really it's just not taking any more crap and asserting myself and my children.

GallicIsCharlie · 18/02/2015 14:26

YY, Nicki. I'm "oversensitive" now I call family members out on their cheery jokes about how crap I am, and "not as nice" since I stopped pouring lavish praise over them all the time. Shame. I'll live Wink

Hope you find enough of the support you do need.

Trickydecision · 18/02/2015 14:36

I don't know which poster you are referring to, Jellly might have to PM you and ask but in general terms, yes, you are right. We have one of the ' poor me' friends, and it is so very draining listening to it. The tragic thing is there are now some terrible things going on in her life but as she as cried woolf for so many years, everyone tends now to avoid her.

She also prides herself on being 'direct and honest' as she puts it, but cannot cope with any direct honesty aimed back at her.

Trickydecision · 18/02/2015 14:37

I don't know which poster you are referring to, Jellly might have to PM you and ask but in general terms, yes, you are right. We have one of the ' poor me' friends, and it is so very draining listening to it. The tragic thing is there are now some terrible things going on in her life but as she as cried woolf for so many years, everyone tends now to avoid her.

She also prides herself on being 'direct and honest' as she puts it, but cannot cope with any direct honesty aimed back at her.

Trickydecision · 18/02/2015 14:39

Accidentally posted twice when all I wanted to do was apologise for the dropped aitch.

GhostlyPenguin · 18/02/2015 14:44

I'm another who would echo NoStrange post. I accept there are professional victims and I've met a few.

However I fell out with a lot of people in a few years right after I became a mother- reason was like NickiFury I had less time and emotional energy to deal game players but also I started to stop being a doormat.

A few people like MIL pushed so hard an were so critical of everything that I pushed back causing falling out and arguments and found I got more respect and less hassle that way.

Same time we moved into this family sized house our new neighbour complained bitterly and was very unpleasant to our faces and behind our backs. Our crime was to have young DC - their GDC visiting and their dogs made more noise than our quiet DC and more frequently but I did things for years like take my DC to parks rather than use the garden. She still moaned - I did finally reach the point of realising I was being stupid and bullied out of a facility we were paying for. She now accepts that sometime they are out their playing - and frankly as other neighbour is profoundly deaf and rest have DC I don't care how much noise they cause and she stopped moaning.

Few years down the line and everyone has adjusted and gets on with me now even the neighbour as I'm around to take in parcels.

Original poster
JellyDiamonds · 18/02/2015 14:52

I'm not referring to a poster, this is someone I know in the real world. They may well be a member here, but I can bet you your life that even if they were and they were to see this post they'd never in a million years think it was about them because they genuinely think that everyone else is to blame and that they are innocent.

It's interesting that other posters have mentioned that the similar people they know have moved about a lot and have had issues with neighbours. This person lives locally to me but is originally from another part of the country, they now live in detached house in the middle of nowhere because they fell out with their previous neighbours, on both sides. Of course both were in the wrong. Oh and the telling it like it is but being ever so offended when someone else does the same is also very familiar!

I suppose you wonder why I even bother with this person? Well they do have their good points, they have been very kind and helpful to me in the past, but I don't think for one moment that I also wouldn't be dealt the same treatment if I annoyed them in some way or another. I'm just pretty easy going and laid back and it takes a lot to rile me up, but the recent example where another friend got frozen out for the most ridiculous reason ever has really given me a jolt. It's finally made me realise how this person operates.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/02/2015 15:09

I have had problems with people before, but for all I think I have managed to keep some form of polite contact.

I'd be weary of people who do fall out, particularly with big drama involved.

spanky2 · 18/02/2015 15:19

Sounds like a narcissist to me. They'd get on with my parents, oh wait... they wouldn't!

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2015 15:26

I have a neighbour and friend that has a trail of broken friendships behind her - usually following a holiday together.
I actually do like her and the kids are good friends but I keep a bit of distance. She asked if we fancied a weekend away once - hmmmm, think I'll pass thanks!!!

YouKnowNothinJonSnow · 18/02/2015 15:29

Sounds like my mother!

YouTheCat · 18/02/2015 15:37

My ex mil is like this. There are always dramas. She's turning into her mother (who she hated).

She's pissed off my dd recently by 'telling it how it is' or some such crap and so she's said she can't be bothered with the old bat.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/02/2015 15:40

Yeah my SIL is like this. Always falling out with people, groups of friends tend to last a year or so then there's a falling out. Strangely the rest of them always seem to stay friends.

FarFromAnyRoad · 18/02/2015 16:27

I suppose you wonder why I even bother with this person? Well they do have their good points, they have been very kind and helpful to me in the past.............

This is what they do Jelly. Or some of them do anyway. It's what the one I know did to me. And the BFF before me. And the now 4 BFFs after me. And the estranged husband. I do believe that there's nothing they love more than someone in temporary need - but quite why that is I do not know.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/02/2015 16:30

"It's funny because she dishes out so much "brutal honesty" and is very nasty about others, yet is the most easily offended person that I've ever met!"
It's the defining feature of that type of person, isn't it? That and believing the whole world is out of step bar them.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/02/2015 16:59

You get a LOT of these in haulage. It's a solitary job, which suits them because the can't work in a team. However, the normal frustrations of the day drive them even madder, because random shit feeds their anger. They fly off the handle at the least little thing, everything is a personal slight and they hate everyone who isn't a fat white male pessimist. They're also rubbish at their jobs.
I've outlived a few of them; stroke kills a lot and the rest succumb to Type 2 and heart attacks.

msshapelybottom · 18/02/2015 17:03

I fell foul of someone like this too. It's funny reading this thread because every description could be about my ex friend too. I was left feeling like I had just had a run in with a scorpion when we "fell out" because I was preoccupied with some family health issues and couldn't give her the amount of time she wanted. It was one of the most baffling things that I've ever experienced with a friend. We had an argument and from that moment on she blanked me :D

Its interesting to stand back and watch her now go from BFF to BFF. She had a trail of broken friendships behind her too and they were all the other person's fault. I feel quite sorry for her in a way though, it's very insecure behaviour really isn't it?

Oh yeah and she prided herself on "telling it like it is and if you can't handle it it's not my problem" and she was always saying "I'm mad, me....hahaha".

MrsKoala · 18/02/2015 17:08

I agree to an extent, i have no/very few friends. I make them easily, and never 'fall out', more they get sick of me and after a few years gradually withdraw contact or just never return my calls. It makes me sad because i never know what i've done wrong. I can guess i suppose but i am never sure. I am clearly a twat tho. Grin

Original poster
JellyDiamonds · 18/02/2015 17:57

Yes, I get the impression that this person thinks they are special and that everyone else is out step with them. It's quite sad really as these people will almost certainly end up lonely and miserable, but ultimately it's their own doing isn't it?

I no longer "like" any of the attention seeking Facebook posts. I'm not going to feed this kind of behaviour anymore.

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 18/02/2015 19:13

Sounds exactly like an ex friend of mine. Massive freeloader, always finding himself homeless and living off the generosity of friends or family. Always ends up living with them for a few months then never speaking to them again because they were so very unreasonable. (Me and DH are just one of a large set of these people that he's fallen out with :))

spanky2 · 18/02/2015 21:12

These people have personality disorders. My parents are like this. A pair of narcissists with a hint of psychopath for my dad!

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