To find my 2.10 year old dd so fucking irritating?!

[CheeseDreams]

First post so please to gentle!

I have a 2.10 dd and 4 month old ds. My DH works away so it's just me and the kids m-f. I'm just finding my dd so irritating, I then get snappy with her so she plays up more I shout and then she cries and I feel terrible.

This evening she refused to eat her dinner so I told her I would go upstairs and run the bath if she wasn't going to eat her dinner, so every time I go out to go she would beg me to stay and then eat one bite then refuse to eat any more. After about the 5th time of this I did go out stairs. Que hysterical sobbing. Take her and baby upstairs and she keeps doing things to irritate me (clearly to get attention) while I am bathing the baby she then gets in the bath and is fine until I take the baby out at which point she screams and sobs so I get her out too and she just cries and cries. All while I am trying to get a very tired and hungry 16 week old ready for bed. I get them both ready for bed and tell her she can come with me to the babies room while I feed him and read her a book. She comes along but then start shouting so snapped at her through gritted teeth to be quite at which point she bursts in to tears again and screams and sobs.

I'm just so fucking fed up. I'm knackered and exclusively breasting feeding a very hungry 16 week old and already feel guilty that she's not getting the attention she was but at the moment she just seems to irritate me so much which means I don't want to spend time with her.

I'm trying so hard to be patient and even took her out just the two of us at the weekend but I just don't feel I am being very nice to her. And I feel awful saying it but I don't feel like I like her.

I know she is playing up in reaction to how I am being with her but how do I stop this cycle?

I know her world has been turned upside down by having her brother arrive, every evening I cry and plan to be really patience and calm and kind the next day and within about 10 minutes that changed and I am snapping again.

Is it normal for her to be like this at this age? It it normal to feel like such a bloody failure?

It's a tough stage at times ....Op even without a 4 month old!! Do you get a break ever during the day?

Mine was like this without a new baby in the house so do not feel bad at all! Unfortunately it is mostly a case of riding it out. It sounds like you are doing a great job! Is there any mid week help you can call on just to give you a breather?

Normal at that age, my DS turns 3 in March and he is a pure pain 60% of the day!

oh you poor thing. I remember those days. I have to go out but just wanted to say when my ds1 was 3 and ds2 was 3mo it was so hard. I felt so guilty, felt like I didn't like ds1 any more. awful feelings that I was betraying him. its so hard. it has all worked out and I love them both dearly. be gentle with yourself and take each hour at a time. it will pass x

You are not a failure. Your DD is normal. I get seriously frustrated with my 2 1/2 year old and I don't have a tiny baby in tow. You wouldn't be human if you weren't exhausted.

Not sure if you've put them to bed yet but tonight could you change the routine very slightly and get your dd to choose the story and then read it with baby in HER room.

I have to run and bath my ds and get him to bed (running late tonight).

Don't despair... feeling like this is normal. This too shall pass.

I'll come back if DS ever agrees to go to sleep

Been there. In our case I think it was more sibling related then age, by around 4m she'd figured he was a permanent fixture and the novelty had definitely worn off. Nothing useful to say except it got better. By 9m I felt like a competent parent again.

Fuck no this is totally normal. How my 2, especially ds2, managed to avoid being murdered still surprises me. Now aged 7 and 9 they can still be little fuckers but it's much less often and mostly they are an absolute pleasure.

Cut yourself some slack. It's a really tough age and being good enough (which as long as you keep her fed and warm and mostly loved you are) is just fine

She is only 2 whispers

I remember this stage and getting annoyed with ds. But looking at dd who is a similar age, I realise that I was actually being too harsh on ds and treating him as older than he was, both emotionally and socially.

You need to pick your battles. Your dd has a lot to cope with plus she's little.

So YANBU but give yourself and her a break.

I have a 3 year old dd and an 8 month old ds and I know EXACTLY how you're feeling op please don't be too hard on yourself.

You need to spend time with her, without baby brother. even if it is a cinema and lunch trip, leave baby with dad and expressed milk and do it. It will make the world of difference to her confidence in you, that's what has been kknocked here and she needs to know she matters which I'm guessing right now she isn't feeling.

It's so hard, I promise she will get easier and they will take it it turns to tag team you eventually in the irritation stakes. :-)

Yes normal. Cut yourself some slack. When the next one reaches this stage, it won't be so bad because they'll have a sibling to annoy instead of you

Mine did it and he was an only child. I found this a helpful article: www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-connect-four-parenting/20140714/what-to-do-when-you-have-fallen-out-of-like-with

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so good to know there are people out there who feel the same.

I usually do bedtime slightly differently but thought I would try changing it up tonight so I could give then each a little bit of 1 to 1 time! Well that didn't work did it!?!?

I've got support from my mum and usually see her once a week but the rest of the time it's just me and the babies. I do go out a lot and see friends every day as I find it hard to be at home with the two of them. I feel like such a fraud, people say how well I am coping but they don't see what it's like behind closed doors and I think find if hard to admit I an struggling.

And I promise you, you will like her again it might take years it's an extremely testing phase, but they do come through it. I really thought at the time there was something wrong with me.

Not a failure. I've had so many days like that since the arrival of dc2. It does get easier, so much so that I had a very similar day today (dc2 is now 1 and dc1 3.8) and I dealt with it so much more patiently than I would have done 6 months ago, and I still had a bit of a snap!

What really helped was to try not to take it so personally when the older one gives you a hard time! and to try to bear in mind that when they are behaving the worst it's actually when they need the most love and attention.

It will not hurt to 'give in' and give her the attention she wants, it will improve things, and break the cycle of bad behaviour>bad attention>Tears and repeat.

When you're not feeling too stretched, give her a cuddle where she would have got a telling off (if it's not something too bad!) and you mind find she has a 'good' sort of cry and lets her feelings out a bit.

The other thing I did which made a difference, and which you are already doing, was to make sure I got some one on one time with the older one whenever possible. It is all too easy, and I ebf too, to let DH take the older one while you concentrate on the baby and relax. But, if you can manage it, it does pay off. Even a jigsaw or story without baby on your lap.

Sorry if a bit of a ramble, but much sympathy, it is hard work take it a day at a time.

I'm having exactly the same (same age gap too) but it seems to be getting better with each week that passes. I'm just doing anything I can to make it more bearable to be honest. Creche 2 mornings a week and I either just chill with the baby or work from home. I spend time out of the house as much as possible at friends houses or at the library or anything. I've been reading loads of parenting blogs of things to do with toddlers to pass the time. Read a few parenting books for inspiration. Getting irritated only made it worse for us. Although it's so difficult not to find it irritating she's not doing it to be a PITA she's doing it because she feels threatened and pushed out... Even though she doesn't need to feel like that.

I'm feeling the same op. This weekend I took ds out to see peppa pig without the baby and it was lovely. It sort of reminded me of the things I like about him!

You probably are snapping at her too much but I think that is understandable with a toddler and a baby. Sleep deprivation does mean you snap at anyone!

To be honest to me it sounds as if you need to start picking your battles with your toddler, not snap at her for every tiny little thing she does wrong otherwise she will be grumpy and play up more and you just spend all day shouting. So she does not want to eat dinner, fine. It's her fault if she gets hungry she won't starve etc. It also comes across as if you can't leave her alone for 2 mins, could you not let her play with toys for 10-15 mins in sight while you sort the baby out?

Or maybe look into a nursery one morning a week or something for a little break. Am assuming you don't have long to wait for the free 15 hours.

Don't be too hard on yourself, toddlers are hard work and can drive anyone insane.

Op have you thought of a couple of afternoons at nursery for dd or could your DM have her an afternoon a week? I don't know how is have coped without the short respites I had ....they were heaven and I only have one.

You are very brave posting this here and asking for help.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/play-child-emotional-intelligence

This is a really helpful article I find myself coming back to again and again when I find my DS and I in a power struggle or unhappy/whinging cycle. It really helps. He especially loves the "fix it" game. Obviously may be tricky when you have little one too, but try to make sure you take that time as soon as baby goes down for nap etc... it may be the last thing you feel like doing, but that twenty minutes will set you and your DD on an even keel.

Big hugs to you OP...

You are all so wise! Tomorrow I will try to start a fresh. Remembering that she is only little and trying not to pick on everything she does. Try to give her some quality time while the baby is asleep and give her lots of cuddles.

I do try to leave her alone but she won't be left alone without me at the mo (which of course only irritates me more!)

Going to look at the links you guys have posted now.

I've thought about nursery but we can't afford it at the mo and don't get her free hrs till September.

People say how well you are doing because:
you have managed to leave the house
You all have clothes on, and they seem reasonably clean, and on the right way
you have some hair left
you aren't screaming like a mad woman at your children in public
you look like you have eaten recently
etc. etc.

It is a very tough stage! It will be very very different when they are 18 and 20! (Cling on to that thought.)

One story of mine. My eldest would be fine, until the minute I sat to feed the second one. Then he would deliberately do something naughty in my sight but out of reach.
His sister got her own back when older, among other things by standing next to us and screaming whenever I tried to hear him read.

I took my 3.8yo DS1 out today, just the two of us for a change and were out from 9.15am-2.15pm. My mum had DS2 (16 months) specifically so we could do something nice together because I've reached the point where I get so wound up I sound like a shrill harpy 80% of the time :(

I think he enjoyed having me to himself and was fine- in fact he was lovely to be with.
He started playing up the moment we got home and I've just been reminding myself that I need to focus on the fact he's still little and me shrieking like a bitch is bad for both of us...not easy for me to admit or work on!

Hi OP,

It's not called the 'terrible twos' for nothing. You have my complete sympathy. However, one thing I would suggest to you is to try and change how you are thinking about the situation, as I think it will make you feel better, meaning that the stress levels will go down and your DD will hopefully calm down. So, instead of saying to yourself, that you are finding her so fucking irritating, try and consciously add that you are finding her behaviour so fucking annoying. This will make you realise that you don't hate her and that you are definitely not a failure. Then, as others have said, pick your battles. Also try and see things from her side a little bit. If you are missing DH, imagine how much she is missing he DF, also she has lost her place at the top of the tree and is probably missing 1 to 1 time (nobody's fault) so she's probably experiencing a bit of normal jealousy and separation anxiety (which could explain the whining when you go upstairs)

In order address this and give yourself a break, I would try and do things like cuddling together and napping whilst the baby is asleep, getting her to pass you things for the baby, singing songs with her to the baby and so on. In the meantime have [tea] and and a hug.

I too had 22 months between my my dds's and it was HARD. I have 3 now and the dynamic is so much easier oddly. Than the initial jump form one to two.

2/3 year olds are generally a PITA.

Over praising worked well for us and still does now mine are older.

Try.

Oh dd aren't you eating your breakfast so nicely this morning what a good girl. Oh dd thank you for getting your shoes, you are so helpful. Oh dd aren't you sitting so nicely and playing so well.

Praising mundane tasks that you expect of them then encourages more positive behaviour in hope of more praise. They just want attention at the end of the day. Preferably positive but negative is second best and easier to get!!

Mine are almost exactly the same age as your DD, twins, and about 2 months ago I swear one of them just got this glint in her eye and it's been total cheek ever since! She was the obliging one too, the other one's been a fecker since day one

Things like dinner I would let slip for now - pick your battles. I think it is really hard to enforce standards of behaviour with 2 little ones, about the only thing we say absolute no to is stuff that puts them in physical danger/causes us tons of work. (We recently had to explain to them why blowing raspberries and playing tag indoors are considered naughty in the nursery but not in the house...)

And total sympathy at being alone Mon-Fri - DH and I still even now try to avoid being stuck with a solo bathtime. Even if one of us has a night out we'll try and be home to help with the wrestling into bed.