To find my 2.10 year old dd so fucking irritating?!

[CheeseDreams]

First post so please to gentle!

I have a 2.10 dd and 4 month old ds. My DH works away so it's just me and the kids m-f. I'm just finding my dd so irritating, I then get snappy with her so she plays up more I shout and then she cries and I feel terrible.

This evening she refused to eat her dinner so I told her I would go upstairs and run the bath if she wasn't going to eat her dinner, so every time I go out to go she would beg me to stay and then eat one bite then refuse to eat any more. After about the 5th time of this I did go out stairs. Que hysterical sobbing. Take her and baby upstairs and she keeps doing things to irritate me (clearly to get attention) while I am bathing the baby she then gets in the bath and is fine until I take the baby out at which point she screams and sobs so I get her out too and she just cries and cries. All while I am trying to get a very tired and hungry 16 week old ready for bed. I get them both ready for bed and tell her she can come with me to the babies room while I feed him and read her a book. She comes along but then start shouting so snapped at her through gritted teeth to be quite at which point she bursts in to tears again and screams and sobs.

I'm just so fucking fed up. I'm knackered and exclusively breasting feeding a very hungry 16 week old and already feel guilty that she's not getting the attention she was but at the moment she just seems to irritate me so much which means I don't want to spend time with her.

I'm trying so hard to be patient and even took her out just the two of us at the weekend but I just don't feel I am being very nice to her. And I feel awful saying it but I don't feel like I like her.

I know she is playing up in reaction to how I am being with her but how do I stop this cycle?

I know her world has been turned upside down by having her brother arrive, every evening I cry and plan to be really patience and calm and kind the next day and within about 10 minutes that changed and I am snapping again.

Is it normal for her to be like this at this age? It it normal to feel like such a bloody failure?

Right my little monster is in bed as is my 9 year old...

Two year olds are a right pain. Its not called the terrible 2s for nothing and any mum who tells you their 2 year old is an angel is either

a) deluded
b) lying or
c) in for a massive shock when they hit their teens!

I've posted on here about my 2 year old DS being difficult more times than I can count and I'm in the priviledged postion of him having a 9 year old sister to harrass. The flip side is that he wants to be responsible and wants to help so can you make your DD responsible for things that she then gets a lot of praise and affection for e.g.

• choosing bed time stories
• washing baby's feet at bath time
• helping to sweep the floor (get them a toddler dust pan and brush set)
• Helping to load and turn on the dishwasher
• kissing noses or something equally silly (ds is responsible for ALL nose kissing int this house )
• helping to choose baby's clothes in morning

I'm sure you can think of a million and one other things. I think what I'm saying is involve your dd with the baby and make her feel important. She probably feels a little bit displaced by this screaming ravenous bundle that's taking up so much of your time and also she's 2 so she's been normal.

Keep posting here. You really are doing brilliantly even if you dont feel it right now

Ds1 was 21 months when ds2 was born and I started to find him more irritating. I think I was expecting too much from him and because I had a tiny baby I forgot that he was still only a baby himself. They're now 2.2 and 4 months and it's still the same but I'm more conscious that he needs just as much attention as his baby brother just in a different way.

blast I meant praise and attention (not affection give her that regardless :) )

I have no advice to give BUT I have a 2.11 DD and a 7-week old baby, so feel your pain. So much of what you have written describes my daily 'battles'. One of her favourite things is to wait until I've taken baby out of the bath, dressed her and am sitting feeding her (also BF) while DD1 continues to have a bath (at her request). She'll then ask me to get her out, so I stop feeding DD2, put her down in the cot, go back to DD1 who then changes her mind about getting out of the bath until I'm settled down with DD2 again. She does genuinely seem to love her new sister but I've also had more tears from her in the last few weeks than ever before (or so it seems).

The guilt is huge.

Does that make it seem more 'normal'?

We are going through this and found the reward chart works really well. We only praise for good things. Three stickers in a day means she gets a reward. We then have two other reward charts in the house for specific activities (staying in bed at bedtime and putting away toys) that she has to earn 3 stickers for a prize too. DD is totally into it and once I give out the first sticker she does her best to earn more.

Another thing which has helped: try every day to write down or just say to yourself one thing which you enjoyed doing with her. It does help to actively look for the positive.

My DP doesn't work away but is out of the house for about 13 or 14 hours a day, so is rarely home before DD1 goes to bed and is out of the house before she's up in the morning.

To add to lists post (which is spot on) I have DD wash the floor with baby wipes. Morning routine is 'Choose if you want to brush teeth/hair, get changed or eat breakfast'. She has to finish all three before she can play. Evening routine is 'Brush teeth/hair and you can feed the dog.' Dinner is served when it is ready and pjs must be on and she must be in bed to have her stories read to her. She gets 3 stories a night and if she kicks up a fuss with her PJ's she gets 2 stories then calm down focus time.

If she does everything as expected she gets a sticker. Yes we have zillions of bloody stickers but what she doesn't know is that they are the fluorescent circles that I got at office depot and I recycle them!

Also, at weekends I am home all day and I set up activities the night before. I keep it really simple. There are two 30min reading times, a rest time for 15mins twice a day, snack time, art time during DS's nap and mummy's helper time (she 'helps' with folding laundry). I found having this schedule has kept DD in check and helps me move her through any rough spots during the day. It doesn't stop DD from being a grade A PITA but it does limit the amount of time she spends in this state!

DD is now four. I remember two as a total nightmare. We survived. SO will you.

Glad I'm not the only harpy out there, often wonder if my neighbour will be calling social services bearing me screaming like a banshee to get off her sister while I am cooking the dinner. Has made me feel better Reading your stories.

Didn't want to read and run - I have exactly the same age gap, and was exactly where you are two months ago, so I understand completely. I remember feeling like a complete fraud, like if anyone knew just what a bad mother I was being, they'd be horrified.

I reached out to the health visitor and she's been brilliant, so reassuring but full of practical advice too (sticker charts have really, really worked for us, as has giving us all a break and not expecting so much of us all!), and we are in a much better place now. The past few weeks, especially, she's been a delight and a joy to be around - long may it continue!

Hang in there. It will get better.

bedraggled Totally agree on that one. I yelled so loudly at DD one morning DS froze, saw his face turn slowly and then he just started bawling. I felt awful. Poor baby didn't deserve it. I have since made a huge effort to not raise my voice around the DC. I actually lower the tone and slow my speech down leaving a huge gap at the end of what I am saying. Got that from dog training and it works with DD (and the dog)!

I have much sympathy for you!I have 3yrs between each of my 3 (6,3 and 10m) and the eldest has displayed all this behaviour when a new baby has come along. Seems to me that your DD is feeling pushed out and is acting up for your attention, not wanting to be left alone. Remember in their eyes any attention is good attention - she is probably very confused as to her demotion in rank from your only child to having to share you.
It will get better! My girls love their baby brother now and will forgive him anything and don't play up - just argue like little devils between themselves now!

I knew you'd have a new baby when I read the thread title.
Imagine you're being filmed, don't sweat the small stuff, give her choices, praise her as much as possible (this works like magic for children who want your attention!) pre-empt as much as possible, but also count to 10 when she does something challenging.
Good Luck- you're probably at peak difficulty with them.

Thanks for posting that wanttobesupermum, even though it seems obvious, I've never really thought of planning the day in terms of 'reading' 'quiet time' 'art'. We do all those things but it's much more haphazard as I've always just meandered through the day and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I think the idea of a little 'schedule' like that would really help, especially as my dd gets older, as my ds thrives on structure.

It's a good way of measuring how successful your day has been in a way, you know you've covered some bases whatever happens.

Its really tough having two tiny dcs. Does dd go to childcare? She is just being 2, but you sound like you need a break.

So many great ideas and support. Thank you. I've set up some toys that she loves to play with in the living room so that when we come down stairs in the morning it's ready to play with together which I know she will love.

I'm also going to try to remember that she is just a baby really. Love the idea of imagining that I'm being filmed.

Off to bed now, fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow

I could have written this exact same post! It's like you are me. (DD 2.7 and DS 5 months.) it is so much harder than I everimagined. And most days I think to myself that DD is not very likeable at the moment.
But I guess we have to focus on what you quite rightly said - that her world has been turned upside down. But it's so hard when you are trying to do something for the baby like feed them - and all older sibling will do is scream for your attention and disrupt everything.
I'm sure you are doing muh better than you think you are. If you were doing a bad job you wouldn't be bothered enough to post on here for a start!
Good luck. I hope things improve for you.

Have you put dd's name down for pre-school in september. It might make you feel more positive if you have a break in sight!! Next thing to look forward yo is school! No im not wishing her life away before anyone says it, im just saying.

Thanks Soot I don't have half a clue as to what I am doing most of the time and DD's behavior at school was so bad that her teacher got special needs involved. One day she started taking off her clothes in the classroom because she didn't get her way! She managed to get down to her knickers on the bottom half. While I was mortified I was really worried about her behavior. They have gone through some calming activities. I made a calming bottle for DD (posh water bottle, glitter, food coloring and sequins are all that is needed) which helped and I give her a tummy rub on demand as a calming measure. She also likes her hair being stroked.

Going to pretend I am being filmed.... that should help me keep me on my toes. Keep the tips coming. It is such a hard age and no approach is fool proof. I got DD under control for now but I am expecting her to challenge again soon. Need something else in my arsenal! Stickers and prizes only go so far....

Aw it is hard I agree with everyone's advice here.
Spend some time with her, give her praise for ANYTHING! try maybe putting the baby to bed a little earlier so you can have a bit of girly time and reinforcing that you love her before she goes to sleep.

Poor wee girl, she has has a lot to adjust to and so have you! Be kind to yourself, you are doing brilliantly getting out every day etc you will treasure this time in a few years when they are older.
I often wish my 10 and 8 yr old were small again, your post has made me think twice, I've forgotten the hard bits and how utterly exhausting it was.
Good luck, and keep your chin up you can do this! Xxx ((((hugs))))

Such a relief to read this! I am in the parenting trenches too right now with 3 year old DS and 3 month old DD. It really is a battle most days and I find it exhausting.

The worst thing is when I carve out some precious time to spend with DS e.g. when DD is having a rare nap in her actual crib instead of in a sling / on me. So I spend this precious half hour or hour playing with him in his room, all his favorite games, 'doing' the voices for his stuffed toys and pirates etc, so pleased with myself and my hands-on parenting and then DD wakes up, I go to feed her (EBF as well and the world's fussiest feeder ever) and DS just dissolves into tears and bawls 'BUT YOU HAVE TO PLAY WITH ME MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!!'

I understand his frustration but it irritates me so much that I make the effort to spend 1-1 time with him and then just get moaned at for not doing enough. My DD is a terrible feeder too, so distractible and just coming out of a total nursing strike as she wakes up to the world so DS bawling at me disrupts her feeding and then she starts fussing too...man it's a nightmare.

I just need to get some time to plan my escape return to work and then I'll see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Glad to hear so many others are / were in the same boat.

Place marking more than anything as have a 2.4 year old and DC2 is coming in a couple of months. There are great ideas in this thread.

Btw OP, I find it hard with just the 2 year old!

Oh and DD loves cooking. Pizza is my fav 'thing' for us to make. I make the base the night before and precook it. For lunch I put the shredded cheese and other one or two toppings out (prepared the night before too) so she can assemble her pizza. DH was pissed when I had DD make pizza on tortilla's but honestly who cares. Ive made 'pizza' on puff pastry before. Anything that gets them involved and is low effort on your part.

Oh and for those smug people going on about pancake mix on that other thread. Well I use a mix and it works really well with DD making it. I do huge batches of pancakes and freeze them. I also give DD a blunt knife to cut up the bananas that go into the pancake mix. No one died from using pancake mix. Actually life is better with pancake mix in it!

I could have written this myself. I have a 3 year old ds and 5 month old dd and it seems like ds spends the entire day thinking of new ways to piss me off. I've not had chance to read all the replies so maybe this has been mentioned but it also seems like ds is such a delight for everybody else, I see him with my parents or in laws and he is so happy and grown up and just lovely company. Then he comes back to me and he just reverts to a whining, unreasonable little horror! And I mean really unreasonable, today he said I could have a little bite of his cupcake (as he had nibbled off all the icing and was about to waste perfectly good cake) as I was about to swallow it seems he changed his mind and screamed "I waaaaaant it back mummy, give it baaaaack PLEASE!!!" He wailed and wailed so we had to leave the cafe in absolute shame, and it looked like I had stolen cake from my child so we were outta there!

I'm hoping the glimmers of loveliness will be the boy he will become and the horrid toddler, is just that really, we will leave this behind...soon.