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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my 2.10 year old dd so fucking irritating?!

89 replies

CheeseDreams · 17/02/2015 20:04

First post so please to gentle!

I have a 2.10 dd and 4 month old ds. My DH works away so it's just me and the kids m-f. I'm just finding my dd so irritating, I then get snappy with her so she plays up more I shout and then she cries and I feel terrible.

This evening she refused to eat her dinner so I told her I would go upstairs and run the bath if she wasn't going to eat her dinner, so every time I go out to go she would beg me to stay and then eat one bite then refuse to eat any more. After about the 5th time of this I did go out stairs. Que hysterical sobbing. Take her and baby upstairs and she keeps doing things to irritate me (clearly to get attention) while I am bathing the baby she then gets in the bath and is fine until I take the baby out at which point she screams and sobs so I get her out too and she just cries and cries. All while I am trying to get a very tired and hungry 16 week old ready for bed. I get them both ready for bed and tell her she can come with me to the babies room while I feed him and read her a book. She comes along but then start shouting so snapped at her through gritted teeth to be quite at which point she bursts in to tears again and screams and sobs.

I'm just so fucking fed up. I'm knackered and exclusively breasting feeding a very hungry 16 week old and already feel guilty that she's not getting the attention she was but at the moment she just seems to irritate me so much which means I don't want to spend time with her.

I'm trying so hard to be patient and even took her out just the two of us at the weekend but I just don't feel I am being very nice to her. And I feel awful saying it but I don't feel like I like her.

I know she is playing up in reaction to how I am being with her but how do I stop this cycle?

I know her world has been turned upside down by having her brother arrive, every evening I cry and plan to be really patience and calm and kind the next day and within about 10 minutes that changed and I am snapping again.

Is it normal for her to be like this at this age? It it normal to feel like such a bloody failure?

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 18/02/2015 00:26

Stop expecting the worst of her - she'll definitely live up to expectations. I have a friend who is struggling with her 3 year old and I have noticed that she has got trapped into thinking she is a 'challenging' child at the moment. This child is no more difficult than my 3 year old but she gets attention from behaving the way her Mum deems her to be!

Sweetnhappy · 18/02/2015 00:52

Your post reminded me of my own situation a few years ago (shudder). I promise you it WILL get better, I have a 6.5yo DD and nearly 4yo DS and they're lovely together and good friends.

One thing I found helpful at the time was to give my daughter more attention when she asked for it even if it meant leaving my son to cry for a while. E.g. I'm in the middle of breastfeeding when she urgently needs me to do something important. In that situation I detached my son from his feed and put him down for a couple of minutes and rushed off to help my daughter. This really surprised her and made her feel very happy, my son was too young to remember.

I only needed to do this a few times and it seemed to settle my daughter enough to realise that she was just as important to me as he was. I think she was testing me, trying to figure out how much control she had in the house and how important she was having previously been the centre of my universe. Once she realised that I was still HER mummy she settled down and was happy to share me.

One word of advice though, don't do what I did and potty train during this difficult time, it's not worth it! Wait until she's a bit older and life at home is a bit easier.

redcaryellowcar · 18/02/2015 13:49

You are so normal! I have been there, my two have a little more than 2.7 yrs between them, ds2 is just a year and it's much more manageable now, I think you are absolutely right to get out to groups the park or anything you can find to entertain yourselves.
Tomorrow is always a new day.
Best bit of advice I was given was to not 'see' everything, clearly if you see something you need to address it, if you were 'flicking through a magazine' then you might have missed it and it avoids the constant conflict, other top tip is then to focus on when she does something good or well. Start with really little things, I think I underestimated what ds1 was capable of, now I ask him to get cutlery on the table find napkins etc, keeping him busy helps.

GokTwo · 18/02/2015 15:15

Op, I only have 1 and she is as placid as can be but at that age she was so difficult! She went through a phase of being really happy in the buggy but crying if I looked at her!! It drove me nuts! It will pass as these things do but don't beat yourself up too much in the meantime!

Original poster
CheeseDreams · 18/02/2015 17:12

It's so good to know there are so any people out there who are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. It's made me feel a lot less guilty and a lot more normal!

I have given dd a fair bit of one to one attention today as well as a play date in the morning and out to the park this afternoon.

She has played up a bit throughout the day but each time I've asked her of she wants a cuddle and every time she's said yes. We've had our cuddle and then she's gone off to play again.

I called up DH last night in tears and he's come home from work this afternoon, only for tonight but means I don't have to so bedtime alone which should make a lot smoother.

Thanks for all the wise words and support

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreams · 18/02/2015 17:13

GokTwo that really made me chuckle. I also get told off for looking at my dd sometimes!!

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 18/02/2015 17:18

I feel sad for the child. You moved the goalposts by several miles OP and expect a small child (not much more than a baby) to be fine with it all. Try a dose of reality and great your child as the injured party, because that is what they are.

listsandbudgets · 18/02/2015 18:02

That's harsh disappointed - are you going to give the OP some constructive advice as to HOW she can do that or just leave her feeling guilty. Yes goal posts move when siblings arrive. The OP is finding the fall out from that hard to deal with. On top of that her dd is 2 which is a difficult age anyway. She needs advice on how to deal with it - not a guilt trip.

I feel sorry for her DD too - she's jealous, frustrated and does not know how to express it but remember the OP is exhausted, sleep deprived and trying to deal with a difficult situation without knowing how to do it and with not much support from her partner. That's family life. Life does not come with an instruction book...

Marmiteandjamislush · 18/02/2015 18:03

DisappointedOne What a nasty, smug post.

Sootgremlin · 18/02/2015 18:04

I think OP understands that disappointedone and just needed a bit of help and support to help her to put it into action. It is sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees when you are feeling emotionally strained yourself.

Obviously the child is the priority and it is the adult's responsibility to make sure her needs are met, hence cheesedreams saying she felt a failure in the OP, and asking for input from others which she has acted on.

Glad things are looking up cheesedreams Smile

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/02/2015 18:04

Have been there and it's really difficult.

These things helped for me.

  1. do the story in her bedroom while you feed the baby. Once she's in bed, she's less likely to start running around. Tell her you need to take the baby downstairs/to another room to change a nappy and put him to bed. Then you are coming back to read another story/have cuddles with her.

  2. Apologise for being grumpy. I know she's small but she will sort of understand that it's not personal. You can explain to her that babies [and kittens] have v tiny tummies and they need to be fed constantly until they grow teeth and can have weetabix like her too. So it means that you don't get a lot of sleep.

  3. Go to bed earlier, much much earlier. It will help.

  4. Invite her into the breastfeeding [for want of a better phrase]. Small babies often doze on and off while feeding, or suckle v quietly. My DD interpreted this as the baby getting cuddles on the sofa a lot.

  5. Let her break an egg somewhere. It helps for her to understand how small and vulnerable a new baby is.

  6. Accept any help that's going from friends and family to look after the new baby, NOT your DD.

  7. 3-6 months is peak time for bad behaviour in my experience. The novelty of a new sibling is well and truly worn off. It's a phase and will wear off.

  8. Talk about the fun things she can do with her brother when he is bigger.

  9. Do craft stuff with her where she makes something to decorate her room and another for the baby's room [if he will have his own room]

  10. Make a big show of moving the baby into his own room or in with her. Tricky one this - works for some parents but others want to observe all the SIDS guidelines which is fair. There was a noticeable improvement in DD1's behaviour when DD2 moved out of the moses basket into a cot in her own room. Only between 7pm and the dream feed at 11 when she went back into the moses basket and DD1's collection of teddies got booted out but she was fast asleep and none the wiser Grin

hiccupgirl · 18/02/2015 18:11

My DS was a complete pain for a lot of age 2 to 3.5 and he is an only so no lack of attention. He would scream, whine and generally nothing was good enough regardless of how much he got.

In my eyes anyone who copes with a 2-3 yr old and a baby at the same time is doing an amazing job. I found it difficult enough to keep patient with only 1. Remind yourself how brilliantly you are doing as they are both feed, safe and loved.

Sootgremlin · 18/02/2015 18:13

Yy I do make a point of apologising if I feel I have been in the wrong in my reactions or if something is hard on him. That way they feel it's not always them doing the 'wrong' thing and having to apologise all the time, it goes both ways.

Also, do what they want you to do during playtime. Twenty minutes being a transformer earned me quite a lot of cooperation Smile

DisappointedOne · 18/02/2015 18:20

I can honestly say I've never felt the need to call my daughter "fucking irritating" or any other such insult. I'd would be horrified if any of my friends uttered something similar, especially if they were the ones causing the bumps in the road!

I did give constructive advice about reviewing how she sees her first born.

Original poster
CheeseDreams · 18/02/2015 18:33

Both babies in bed and zero tears!! Today's been a good day.

I'm choosing to ignore the comments from DissapointedOne. I feel shit enough on my own I don't need someone else to help me with that! What I do need is suggestions, support and constructive criticism in order to help me change the way I am thinking and behaving and that's what I've got from the rest of you. DissapointedOne is clearly a model parent who would never 'insult' her child like I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseDreams · 18/02/2015 18:37

Oh and as you suggested I did apologise to her at bed time for being a grumpy mummy and told her I will try harder not to be grumpy. Not sure if she took it in but it felt right that I should apologise for my behaviour when that's what u expect from her. Thank you again ladies

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 18/02/2015 18:39

Cheese ....chuffed for you that they are all tucked up. It's bloody hard especially on your own....keep wading through.... it will get better.

Sootgremlin · 18/02/2015 18:59

She didn't say her daughter was fucking irritating, but that she was finding her so. OP acknowledged the problem was with her, not her dd.

It's not ideal, but sometimes voicing your worst feelings can make you realise they are not actually true and help you to find a way back.

Envy that they are in bed already cheese mine are just getting in the bath after late naps.

DisappointedOne · 18/02/2015 18:59

Oh sorry. You wanted to hear that it's normal to swear about a 2 year old?

DisappointedOne · 18/02/2015 19:03

She's finding her irritating because she's treating a 2 year old like a 12 year old and failing to understand the enormous changes she's inflicted on her very young child.

There's no excuse in my mind. If DH is stressed with work I don't expect him to take it out on me or DD. If I stub my toe it's not okay to get shirty with them. Being tired with a new baby isn't an excuse to be shitty to your other child, whether you apologise at bedtime or not.

TarkaTheOtter · 18/02/2015 19:06

Must be great being perfect.

DisappointedOne · 18/02/2015 19:08
Hmm
Sootgremlin · 18/02/2015 19:26

Have you had a 2 year old and a newborn, disappointedone?

Only1scoop · 18/02/2015 19:32

Op hasn't 'inflicted' anything on her dc....it's an expanding family situation not an infliction. It's real life.

Op I've got a DP who works overseas most weeks and had my buttons pushed at 2.10 by dd.

I can only imagine my descriptive expletives at times Op.

listsandbudgets · 18/02/2015 19:39

FGS Disappointed, she's not failing to understand the changes but she's struggling to handle the result of the changes. Your comment was destructive towards someone who is really finding things hard. She's more than aware her DD is 2 and not 12 and she's looking for strategies to deal with the situation.

Telling her to see her child as an injured party is hardly going to help now is it? If you've had a 2 year old and a new born together please tell her how you handled it for the best. If not give her other helpful and supportive advice or go and tout your opinions somewhere else.