Is there a "legal" age to leave a child home alone overnight?

[MyNameIsASACshraderAndYouCanGo]

On Friday DD (13) asked me if she could stay at a friend's, Claire.
I've only met Claire briefly, when DD went to stay at her house overnight on Claire's birthday about 18 months ago. I spoke to the mum briefly on the phone on that occasion, we'd never met, as Claire is new to this country/DD's school.

DD's best friend of 9 years, Gemma, (a regular at our home/sleep overs/days out) was going to sleep over too.

I dropped the girls off at Claire's, expecting to see the mum. However, Claire answered the door. I asked where the parents were, and Claire told me her mum was in the shower. I got DD to give me Claire's mum's phone number (making sure it said "MUM" on the phone ID) so I could ring her when she "got out of the shower".

I drove home, waited 10 mins, then rang. Claire's mum was in a city 50 miles away. She said she'd spoken to Gemma's mum, who was happy for the girls to be unsupervised as they are "sensible girls"

I went and picked DD up.

What I didn't realise at the time was that the mum was away ALL NIGHT.
I've spoken to DD, and apparently this is a pretty regular thing. At least, not a one off anyway.

I know IANBU for not allowing DD to stay home alone at her age, (even DD knows this) but WWYD about the DICK of a parent who thinks it's OK?
The girls are in year 9, so 13/14 years old.

There is no legal age.

At 14 I would have left my daughter but possibly not my son (as at very different levels of maturity).

At 15 I used to stay overnight with my baby cousin whilst my aunt and uncle were in hospital with his brother. I also used to babysit a 5 year old overnight.

BTW- The parent is not a dick- but they should have told you and let you make an informed decision.

My ds stayed home alone with a friend at this age BUT other parent was very clear of the fact. Also grandparents and neighbours were on hand. Would definitely not be happy if I wasn't informed, and it would depend hugely on the maturity of the child. Definitely not great on a regular basis.

God, no. A city 50 miles away with no other adult on hand?

WTF would she have done if there had been a serious accident? Or a fire? Yes, all well and good saying 13 year olds can look after themselves but they are still children who would look to an adult in an emergency!

I wouldn't leave a child that age overnight. I wonder if it's socially acceptable in the country they moved from?

Total dick

I know 14 year olds who are more mature than 20 year olds. It is about knowing your child.

You teach your children what to do in a fire anyway as part of parenting- mine all knew the escape route from our house from being tiny, how to block doors etc. They need to know this even if an adult is in the house as fire can cut you off

Not a chance. My two boys are 13 & nearly 15 but I'd not leave them overnight. I wouldn't be able to relax or enjoy it so there'd be no point. The mother was BVU not telling you this.

We used to call this a "free house" when we were in yr nine onwards parents away and friends invited over. Often a free house meant a small party or gathering of some sort or palace to crash after hanging out. It was quite normal where i live, a small town in the south.

Parents can be prosecuted if they leave a child unsupervised ‘in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health’.

The legislation goes back to 1933 I believe. There are lots of campaigns to change it and set legal age limits but as it stands there are none.

When I was this age, my mum went to Paris for a long weekend (4 days) and left me at home. My friend stayed 2 nights out the 4. She also spent nights away at her partners house on a fairly regular basis. I didn't bat an eyelid. I knew how to look after myself and others.

I think she should have told you before you took your dd to the sleepover. But it doesn't make her a dick for allowing her child to be on her own. And I think yab a bit u.

I'm a former CP SW and have my 13 year old DD with friends, overnight, she is now nearly 20.

It's not unusual, depending on where you live etc.

There isn't a legal age, as such, most SWs accept from around 13, depending on the maturity level of the young person, location etc. Before 12, it would be questioned as to why the child needs to be left.

That's not the point, the Parent should of made it clear and at least now you know to check.

They are from S Africa, I don't know what the done thing is there.

I believe that the parent is simply selfishly putting her own desires before the needs of her child.
I am away myself this weekend, but it did not enter my head to leave DD alone (or with friends) overnight.

DD is a VERY sensible girl, who I am happy to leave alone, but overnight is a different matter all together.

I babysat from 14/15 and was a responsible kid, but I don't think even MY laissez-faire parents of the 70's and 80's left me alone at 13/14, and things were different then.

i think you are misplacing the blame here. your daughter lied to you and that is the issue. without knowing the girls involved it is impossible to judge whether or not they are mature enough. by 14 i was left at home a lot with a 12 year old and an 8 year old to mind but i was very mature for my age.

ISolemy, your Mum would now be questioned over Neglect, because we wouldn't accept a Parent leaving the country.

The level at which you were left is unacceptable, unless you had close family.

Teens still need a level of protection.

I don't know about the age thing because it depends very much on the child.
I would have a problem with Claire lying to me. Her mother can't possibly have been in a town fifty miles away after having been in the shower at home ten minutes earlier.

DS was left alone overnight at 15 (mature for the age, 15 going on 50) after we checked that the parents of a close friend who were also our friends and lived over the road were in - we had done the same for their son who was a year older than ours.

OP would you let your DD babysit for another family till 11 or 12pm?

If so what's the difference in leaving her with other teens her age rather than in charge of other younger children?

If they are reasonably sensible and competent then I can's see the issue of what will happen in the sleeping hours that wouldn't have happened in the waking hours, had they been there alone during the day or had she been babysitting.

I live in a very safe area. I can understand your concern say if you lived in rough borough of London. Do you live in an area known for crime?

The fact that Claire lied would in itself make me question the suitability of my DD staying over without adult supervision. YANBU to feel annoyed but I doubt there's much you can do with regard to the parent who thinks it's ok as it's not illegal as such.

How do you know she is 'putting her own desires before the needs of her child' - many 14-year olds are perfectly fine home alone overnight, I certainly was. Does not make her a dick.

It is somewhat odd though that she discussed it with the other girl's mum, but not you. As your daughter knew you would not allow her to stay there without the mum present, could it be that your daughter told the mum that you're aware and fine with it?

Depends entirely on the child.
I was regularly left alone at that age. I knew what to do. I knew to make sure windows and doors were locked and what to do in a fire, which I knew from a very early age when we did have a fire. I I didn't even have a contact number and didn't have a clue where the parent/carers where.

I have also left my own home alone. Sensible girls. Didn't have wild parties. Stayed in and watched loads of films.

at 14 I would be left part of the night (8pm-2am)with my dbros. (12, 4 at the time) and at 15 I was a paid babysitter for family member and my uncles exp I was very mature and responsible. my dbro would never have been left for more than a couple of hours as he wasnt as responsible.

I do think you are misplacing the blame somewhat. Your daughter must have discussed the situation with her friend and guessed that she wouldn't be allowed, hence why the friend lied about her mum's whereabouts.

In your shoes, I would be having some strong words with my daughter.

There are different issues at play here. It was not made clear to you that the girls would be alone AND "claire" lied to your face about her mother being in the shower which would seem to indicate that your dd did know the mother would be away and that it would be a problem for you (otherwise why lie? Claire wouldn't guess you would mind, her mother doesn't after all!). YANBU to be annoyed by the subterfuge on that front. I'd be pretty pissed off if my kids were in this sort of scenario.

But YABU to say this mum is selfish and putting her needs first - her lid invited yours to a sleepover, she didn't come sobbing to you asking to stay because she'd been left! YOUR DD might not feel okay about being left, and YOU might not feel safe leaving her, but Claire is not objectively too young so you aren't in a position to judge what her family decides to do.

If I were you I'd be having words with my DD as to why SHE didn't tell me, and if she claims not to have known why Claire decided to lie about her mother's whereabouts. And if on the off chance that your DD really did NOT know the mother would be out of town and had NOT discussed the lie about her mum being in the shower with Claire in advance I would try to help her identify whether Claire is the sort of friend she actually wants anyway.

Birds - I'm not saying that what my mother did was acceptable (fwiw it wasn't that long ago actually, I'm in my 20's and no, I didn't have close family) I certainly would not leave my own children alone like my mother left me. But i was very streetwise. Completely sensible and able to cook and clean the house while she was away. I would have known exactly what to do in an emergency and had to revive one of my friends with cpr only a year later at a park. I do think it's a matter of judgement on the part of parents. They know their own children. They know what their children are capable of. I think one night for a sensible girl and friends would be ok.