Is there a "legal" age to leave a child home alone overnight?

[MyNameIsASACshraderAndYouCanGo]

On Friday DD (13) asked me if she could stay at a friend's, Claire.
I've only met Claire briefly, when DD went to stay at her house overnight on Claire's birthday about 18 months ago. I spoke to the mum briefly on the phone on that occasion, we'd never met, as Claire is new to this country/DD's school.

DD's best friend of 9 years, Gemma, (a regular at our home/sleep overs/days out) was going to sleep over too.

I dropped the girls off at Claire's, expecting to see the mum. However, Claire answered the door. I asked where the parents were, and Claire told me her mum was in the shower. I got DD to give me Claire's mum's phone number (making sure it said "MUM" on the phone ID) so I could ring her when she "got out of the shower".

I drove home, waited 10 mins, then rang. Claire's mum was in a city 50 miles away. She said she'd spoken to Gemma's mum, who was happy for the girls to be unsupervised as they are "sensible girls"

I went and picked DD up.

What I didn't realise at the time was that the mum was away ALL NIGHT.
I've spoken to DD, and apparently this is a pretty regular thing. At least, not a one off anyway.

I know IANBU for not allowing DD to stay home alone at her age, (even DD knows this) but WWYD about the DICK of a parent who thinks it's OK?
The girls are in year 9, so 13/14 years old.

It is something you should have been informed about so you could make your own judgement.

On my own mind, 16 is an important milestone as they have many adult rights at that stage, but it is so personal to the maturity level of the individual.

Saying that, when I was 15, my 22 year old brother and I were home alone for the week while my mum went on holiday. All was certainly fine and legal, but my mum trusted me much more and wouldn't have left him alone there for a week even though he'd managed university. I wasn't on my own more for the company aspect than responsibility. I was actually on my own overnight for the first time at 17.

You must be very secure in your own parenting to be so bloody rude. My mother left me alone overnight at that age to go to work, are you calling her a dick?

DD is very sensible, and I have no problem leaving her alone, but not overnight. We have a fire action plan, DD knows how to be safe in the house, but I still would feel negligent if I put my wish for a night out over the welfare of my child. If I wanted to go away for the night I would make sure my child was cared for in my absence.

If I WERE to ever leave her alone overnight, I would not be inviting other teenagers to stay over unsupervised, as I know that kids get silly together, and other parents have different rules for their kids, eg with what films/programmes they watch or unlimited access to the internet.

Fine for this mother to make that decision about her own daughter, but pretty awful to allow her to have friends over without checking with the parents and the daughter is a minx for lying to you too. And so is yours!

Your fault though. Your kid lied to you AND you didn't bother to contact the parents beforehand even though you don't know them. I suspect your anger is really at yourself for this lapse, and if it isn't, it probably should be.

kitchen
DD has had strong words, I am very annoyed that she lied. I've seen the messages the girls all sent each other, planning their lies and then trying to lie more to get out of the shit when they realised they'd been rumbled.

Your DD knew Claire's mum was not going to be there that night, and knew you wouldn't be OK with that, and was probably hoping you wouldn't question the "oh mum's in the shower" line, which she had obviously cooked up with Claire.

So yeah your DD doesn't have a particularly open relationship with you and is probably not mature enough to be left overnight.

The other two sets of parents have decided that their children are, and that's entirely up to them.

grockle
I'm pretty OK with how I handled it, tbh. I don't think I need to be angry with myself at all.

If I'd packed DD off to her mate's without a phone call to the parent, then yes, I would have been at fault, and would have been angry at myself.

I didn't though, I took her there in the car so I could speak to the parents before leaving DD.

But you didn't speak to them before leaving your DD, did you?

Where do you get of calling other parents dicks?

I think here that the mother had no idea about a) your DD staying over, b) if it was allowed or not (and so hence not checking with you).

so yes, it's your DD's fault for not being honest. and YABU

If the mother had known your DD was staying over and had known she was going to be away and your views then etc YADNBU.

Having said all the kids are at the age when they do lie and make arrangements to be 'home alone' so yes, lying and trust would be the issues I'd discuss and crack down on with my DD.

Have you spoken to Gemma's mum?
It's not the leaving overnight though, it's the lying about it. I'd go apeshit.

I've got confused here am also a bit hungover so a bit tired I had no idea there were 3 girls?

I think the big thing here is that Gemma's mum and Claire mum's have spoken and agreed this but Claire's mum hasn't cleared this with you. (the dick as you so charmingly call her).

which is why I'm wondering if Claire's mum had no idea about your DD staying the night and clearance etc?

When I was about 13 and my sister 15 we were left for a week while my (selfish) father went to Greece on a Holiday, we got up to all sorts including drinking alcohol.... We are now both mature adults with our own families and are horrified that our Dad put his needs first. (this was only one example). TBH this has effected our relationship with our Father now into Adulthood.

Our friends took full advantage of our home not having any parents around and probably lied to their parents about my Dad not being present. I would be banning your DD from sleepovers/other suitable punishment for the lies told to you.

No not 50 miles away, with 3, 13 year olds. It should have been up to the mum to contact you and explain that she would not be there so that you could make an informed decision.

She should have spoken to you, regardless of whether it's acceptable or not, it is not for the other mother to decide what is acceptable for the OP's child. Would be most furious with your DD though.

There's nothing in the OP to suggest that Claire's mum even knew the OP's DD was staying over until she received the phonecall

Leaving the girls alone overnight - probably okay, depends on the kids.

You not knowing in advance - definitely not okay. So, not good that your own dd lied to you and the other parent didn't check with you.

I think that leaving a 13 year old teen is a recipe for drunkeness and pregnancy. There is no way on earth I would leave my fairly sensible 13 year old on his own over night. Even if a child can look after themselves, they struggle with the unexpected.

I do let my 13 year old be on his own in the house for short periods of time. Freedom needs to be developed gradually.

superfly
The mum did know DD was staying.

Grockle
I left DD there for 30 mins, I'm quite happy with leaving her with friends for a short time, just not overnight.

I "get off" calling other parents dicks because in my opinion to leave your 13yo girl home alone overnight whilst you get up to whatever-is-so-important in a city 50 miles away makes you a DICK.

No-one has to agree, it's my OPINION.

Still waiting to hear if you're calling my ma a dick, op...

I think that the other parent has the right to chose what they want for their child and you are bang out of order for calling them a dick.

For the name calling YABU

My DM wont even let Dsis stay alone overnight and shes 15 and I live 5 mins away and could get to her easily. Dsis is a very sensible girl, DM just thinks shes too young. DM might feel differently when Dsis turns 16 later this year.

There's no way I'd leave my dc's at that age. Not because they wouldn't be mature enough but because I was left at that age and hated it.

My mum was more interested in her boyfriend than staying home with me and my siblings. I felt frightened home alone at night when she should have been there to look out for me. I never felt safe at home. In my eyes it was neglectful.

OP - sorry it wasn't clear in your OP that Claire's mum knew your DD was staying only the other child's mum.

You know what (and I'm probably the lone wolf here) - it depends on the girls' maturity and what they get up to at that age which would let me leave them.

EG - responsible neighbour next door who can keep an eye, girls who wouldn't drink alcohol or invite boys round then etc yes I most would likely leave them, with strict rules/limits in place.

I take it the father is back in SA or elsewhere in UK?