Is there a "legal" age to leave a child home alone overnight?

[MyNameIsASACshraderAndYouCanGo]

On Friday DD (13) asked me if she could stay at a friend's, Claire.
I've only met Claire briefly, when DD went to stay at her house overnight on Claire's birthday about 18 months ago. I spoke to the mum briefly on the phone on that occasion, we'd never met, as Claire is new to this country/DD's school.

DD's best friend of 9 years, Gemma, (a regular at our home/sleep overs/days out) was going to sleep over too.

I dropped the girls off at Claire's, expecting to see the mum. However, Claire answered the door. I asked where the parents were, and Claire told me her mum was in the shower. I got DD to give me Claire's mum's phone number (making sure it said "MUM" on the phone ID) so I could ring her when she "got out of the shower".

I drove home, waited 10 mins, then rang. Claire's mum was in a city 50 miles away. She said she'd spoken to Gemma's mum, who was happy for the girls to be unsupervised as they are "sensible girls"

I went and picked DD up.

What I didn't realise at the time was that the mum was away ALL NIGHT.
I've spoken to DD, and apparently this is a pretty regular thing. At least, not a one off anyway.

I know IANBU for not allowing DD to stay home alone at her age, (even DD knows this) but WWYD about the DICK of a parent who thinks it's OK?
The girls are in year 9, so 13/14 years old.

Hope you have come down like a ton of bricks on your DD for lying.

I think 13/14 is too young to leave them overnight.

There's no legal limit, but you can check with the NSPCC site for accurate recommendations.

You have never met the woman, and only spoken once, but you were prepared to send your daughter to a sleepover there? Then you blame the woman and name her a dick because you hadn't bothered to make check all the arrangements with her in the first place? Get over yourself.

If I were you, and I had posted what you did, what I'd really be thinking (whether I wanted to admit it to myself/other or not) is this:

I'm unhappy that there was a scenario where my daughter could have been at risk. But really I'm mad at myself for being so laissez-faire about this. I shouldn't blast the other mother when I and the girls are as much to blame.

I "get off" calling other parents dicks because in my opinion to leave your 13yo girl home alone overnight whilst you get up to whatever-is-so-important in a city 50 miles away makes you a DICK.

So in your opinion when I did this so I could be by my sister's side as she died I was being a DICK. Well aren't you a bundle of loveliness.

I don't understand why the other mum was being a "dick" If her daughter feels comfortable staying at home and is responsible then what's the actual issue?

If her daughter was distressed about being left alone then she would have been a dick leaving a distressed teen to fend for herself.

But if the mum and the daughter were comfortable with the arrangements then I can't see how she was being a dick

I think you need to hold the blame with your daughter for lying to you. And then ask yourself why you think she feels the need to lie rather than be honest with you. Are you really unapproachable?

As my teen son would say: Ooh - Burn!

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed with your daughter, and maybe yourself. You are v unreasonable to be angry with anyone else.

I think you are wasting valuable wrath here, OP. It is your DD who is totally in the wrong for planning to deceive you and doing so in league with her friends. She's doubly in the wrong because she knew full well that you wouldn't be happy with the idea of three 13 year olds having a free house for the night. Hence the carefully planned deceit.

Whether or not the 'Claire's" mother is being unreasonable in leaving her 13 year old overnight isn't really the issue here and calling her a dick and questioning her parenting isn't going to solve the problem you've got with your deceitful daughter.

I did this all the time from age 13. So did all my friends. If the girls have no previous for house parties, drugs, drink or underage sex and are pretty sensible, then I'd be shocked that you couldn't trust a 13/14 year old to be ok overnight. I really can't see why you're calling the other parent a dick. Your DD lied to you because she knew you wouldn't let her do it. That's your problem. The other mother has not done anything wrong.

No bloody way would I leave a 13 year old (and her mates) overnight - regularly, occasionally or as a one off.

Teenagers tend to lie if they know that what they are doing does not fit with the way that you parent them - fuck all to do with not having an open relationship and more to do with 'there is no way on this earth my Mum would let me stay in a house with 2 other children so I'm going to chance my arm'.

The good thing OP is that you rumbled them before something happened to them in any empty house.

I personally think the NSPCC recommendations are ludicrous.

That being said, I think in this circumstance there was so much obfuscation and lying going on that the girls couldn't be trusted to be left, no.

DP and I have a lot of teenagers between us and our main worry is them arguing and scrapping when they are left for a while. It's vital they can and will get hold of us, including the older ones. So lying and being devious would be a massive problem.

I think this is pretty irresponsible tbh. No matter how sensible her dd is, what if she was ill? What if someone broke in? Girls that age are likely to drink. At that age she at least needs someone to check on her regularly. I think you are right to be annoyed.

I LOL'd at your update OP - glad you saw your DD's role.

TBH I think you're just really angry at the whole situation. Would I be right in thinking this is the first "big" teenaged lying situation you've been in with your Dd? (i disagree with the "you don't have an open relationship with her" somebody else levelled - pushing boundaries and attempting ti wrestle control are a normal part of adolescence). If so I suspect you're very annoyed, a bit shocked and feeling made a fool of, and that your anger at this other mother is due to that "everyone knew but me" feeling.

Given what you said about messages between the girls, it seems likely that the other mother probably thought you too were fine with it (they won't have only lied to you). But other families have different dynamics and rules and though it doesn't sound like this Claire is MY idea of mature enough, tbh lying so your pal can sleep over doesn't mean you're unable to check a back door is locked or get yourself off to school or call 999 if necessary. When i was 14 I was caring for the family when my terminally ill mother could not (not to mention caring for my mother). I cooked cleaned and ironed around school hours as well as emptying sick buckets, changing sheets, accompanying in ambulances and giving paramedics medical history. I was easily mature enough to spend the night alone!

So YANBU to feel wronged, especially of this is the first time it's happened that dd actively lied to trick you, but that still doesn't make this mother a dick.

NSPCC say minimum of 16.

The NSPCC did a Q&A on here a couple of years ago and were asked repeatedly to justify that, and didn't answer the question.

I recall that thread.

I think it went down in MN history as a massive own goal.

So, you think the parent who has an open relationship with her child and trusts her, is a dick. Id much rather have that kind or relationship with my dc when they're old enough, rather than them lying to me and going behind my back to do stuff cos I'm too uptight.

I'm highly amused by all the pearl clutching going on about OP calling the other parent a dick.

Could have been worse, she could have called her a cunt, to her face.

Hardly the crime of the century to be annoyed and vent on Mumsnet now is it.

OP, YANBU to be annoyed. Lesson learned, even the sweetest teen has a devious mind (I was high achieving at school but a bugger when teachers and parents weren't looking).

Easily amused aint ya? Pearl clutching, how very five years ago.

No I wouldn't and I'm not a pearl clutcher (just know what "can" go on) whether they "appear" sensible or not. I didnt leave my son alone over night in the house until he was 16.

Pearl cluctching - how very 5 years ago?

Yeah, you would think so, wouldn't you grockle? Didn't stop you dishing out the very same less than 12 months ago

clutching

Im also a single mother by the way.

I don;t understand. Yes fine it's up to you if you leave your 13/14 year old on their own overnight. Surely it is being a bit dickish to leave several 13/14 year olds on their own overnight without actually checking with their paretns if its OK first?

Surely even those of you who would happily leave your 13 years old because you know them so well would hesitate to let several others stay as well without checking it was OK

I mean just how well do you know their friends and surely you can grasp that the dynamics change when you get a gang of friends together rather than one child.