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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel belittled by a 'casual remark' - am I oversensitive

86 replies

TravellingHopefully12 · 15/02/2015 17:26

Hey, I'm new and this is my first post, so I hope it's OK. I honestly would like some perspective on this, as I might be being oversensitive, and honestly don't know. Sorry its a bit long.

I work as a freelancer in a very competitive field (journalism.) I have done this for three years now and have reached a point where I am getting regular work. It's been a hard slog, and at first I often had to work for free.

One of my close friends is very interested in getting into the same line of work as me, and she often asks me for contact details of people who can help. In the past I have provided some, but not all.

Recently every time I have a piece published she has asked 'Please can I have the editors contacts?' and I have sent them, meaning she has got a bit of work, however nothing huge.

The other week I had a feature published in a major newspaper, not just the website (that's happened before) but the print publication. I was over the moon and I shared on Facebook.

Straight away she asked me for the editor's contact, and then said 'I thought getting into the Guardian was hard, but it looks like its not if you can do it.'

It was a throwaway comment and she has since said that she didn't think it through, but I just felt so utterly belittled by it. Like the last three years don't matter at all, and it's just an 'easy' thing anyone can do.

She is a lovely woman, and very intelligent. She's also a perfectly competent writer, however that is as far as it goes. She is also interested in freelance journalism for the money, which I find laughable after being skint so long.

She also asked me for an editors contact details for a magazine I had written for, and then asked me what kind of thing they take because she 'doesn't have time to read it.'

She has skills that I don't have, and would never claim to have, or dismiss as nothing. She is fluent in several languages, is a great organiser and a talented musician.

I've just been upset by her attitude for a while, and her Guardian comment really got me.

OP posts:
Chillyegg · 15/02/2015 17:30

Er I think that sounds a little mean.

I'd also stop handing out other peoples details.

pictish · 15/02/2015 17:30

What did you reply?

Moomaloo · 15/02/2015 17:30

She sounds like a real pain! Don't give her your contacts!

Tanaqui · 15/02/2015 17:30

YANBU

She may not have meant it but it was a horrid thing to say- tbh she sounds like a real user. Why is she a friend?

icelollycraving · 15/02/2015 17:32

Well tell her actually it is hard to get work published in the Guardian. I'd also explain you're terribly busy so she'll have to find out details for herself,like I assumed you had to. Most freelance work I assume is fairly competitive,stop helping her unless you're getting a cut. She is a thoughtless cow bag.

LadyLuck10 · 15/02/2015 17:32

Yanbu, it sounded a bit bitchy. If she doesn't think that you're that good why does she want your contacts. I would stop sharing contacts with her.

Fabulassie · 15/02/2015 17:32

I'd be much more parsimonious with contact details. (Aren't they all Googleable?)

DeliciousMonster · 15/02/2015 17:32

'If it's that easy why do you ask for the editor's details every time I have a piece published? Why not do your own leg work from now on?'

pictish · 15/02/2015 17:33

And definitely stop giving her contacts, whichever way.

Hamiltoes · 15/02/2015 17:33

I don't think you're being over sensitive at all!

I would have dropped her as a friend long before the remark was made. Theres nothing worse than putting in hard work for someone to come along and try to do it the easy way behind you.

Reminds me of school when you put the hours in revising for someone to say YABU when you don't want to give them the answers. I wouldn't be taking any more of it!

Congrats on the guardian and maybe try to distance yourself a bit from her, see if the relationship still survives as "close friends" without you helping to further her career.

Discopanda · 15/02/2015 17:33

Wow, that's rude! I'm also a freelance writer and it's a lot harder than people think. Don't give her contacts, you made your own way and so should she!

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 15/02/2015 17:34

Is she giving you the editors' details when she gets published?
If there is no return at all from her side, other than snide remarks, then I would stop giving her anything conveniently forget that you wanted to send any details over.

From the sounds of it she is using you and thinks herself above you.

Arsenic · 15/02/2015 17:34

Stop giving her your contacts!

Cantbelievethisishappening · 15/02/2015 17:34

YANBU
That would sting me.
Don't keep sharing your contacts.
Is she a close friend?

scousadelic · 15/02/2015 17:35

She is, in effect, relying on you to do her networking and research.

I would be inclined to say that you are happy to help with general information and guidance in future but not to do part of her job for her. I would also tell her that, unintended or not, her comments have hurt your feelings if it is going to rankle

Sleepyfergus · 15/02/2015 17:36

I think she sounds like a rude bitch who is too lazy to get off her butt and work hard for her own career

Stop handing out editors details too. Fine when she was just starting out but she's just expecting it now and is clearly using you.

She's effectively your competition. Stop being so nice and carve out your own career! Good luck and congrats on your recent publication.

IvanOsokin · 15/02/2015 17:36

Let her find the contact details for herself.

It wasn't a nice thing for her to say and it says far more about her than you.

SugarOnTop · 15/02/2015 17:37

why are you allowing her to treat you like a doormat?! Tell her straight that she needs to learn to do her own leg work! she is no friend to you.....just a user who only wants to know you for what she can get out of you

evelynj · 15/02/2015 17:40

Yanbu & she is being a bitch & using you. The standard mums net retort would be 'did you mean to be so rude?'

I agree that she seems to think she's better than you.
Out of interest did any of your other friends pull her up on fb? I wouldn't give anymore contact details to her as that's not going to please your employers esp if she uses that level of social skill with them!

Congrats on your success btw

Guitargirl · 15/02/2015 17:40

She doesn't sound like a great friend does she?

Stop letting her piggy back on your work. No more contact sharing and if I were you I would be rethinking the friendship.

Floggingmolly · 15/02/2015 17:41

Stop giving her your contacts!!. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you! Silly mare doesn't realise that her easy ride so far has been on your coat tails.

Original poster
TravellingHopefully12 · 15/02/2015 17:41

Thank you guys. She does have a good side too, this is just one part of her personality but recently it has become overwhelming. For example, she came and found me when I got lost walking on the way to her house even though it was bitterly cold and she could have directed me by phone, that kind of thing.

We've been friends for many years, and we share memories and things. I feel that she is part of my emotional DNA, but I did find her comment unpleasant.

She made the comment in an FB message, and I simply stopped replying to her but I felt really dashed and rubbish. She must have realised she had said something wrong as she later messaged saying she didn't mean it.

I mentioned to another old friend who said it was insensitive but I should let it go, because this girl isn't known for her tact. I do feel angry and used, but I also want the friendship to survive.

I assumed she might just give up, as she wants to make money, and do something else more suited to her own talents which are numerous, but as yet she hasn't.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 15/02/2015 17:42

Oh come on, she's a user.

An unpleasant user.

You are going to gave to learn to spot them. Sad but true.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 15/02/2015 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evabeaversprotege · 15/02/2015 17:46

Congratulations on the Guardian piece!

Do not give her any more details. Why should you?

As a journalist (small, local paper) my contact list is private and confidential, very seldomly shared with even a colleague on the same paper!

How dare she make a remark like that, she obviously thinks she's a step above everyone else.

If she asks you for contacts again either say you've been asked not to pass them on or give her the wrong ones Wink

An ex colleague left recently to move to another genre of journalism - imagine my surprise when he dropped me a 'friendly' email asking me for contact details from both the shared office contact list and mine!!