to feel belittled by a 'casual remark' - am I oversensitive

[TravellingHopefully12]

Hey, I'm new and this is my first post, so I hope it's OK. I honestly would like some perspective on this, as I might be being oversensitive, and honestly don't know. Sorry its a bit long.

I work as a freelancer in a very competitive field (journalism.) I have done this for three years now and have reached a point where I am getting regular work. It's been a hard slog, and at first I often had to work for free.

One of my close friends is very interested in getting into the same line of work as me, and she often asks me for contact details of people who can help. In the past I have provided some, but not all.

Recently every time I have a piece published she has asked 'Please can I have the editors contacts?' and I have sent them, meaning she has got a bit of work, however nothing huge.

The other week I had a feature published in a major newspaper, not just the website (that's happened before) but the print publication. I was over the moon and I shared on Facebook.

Straight away she asked me for the editor's contact, and then said 'I thought getting into the Guardian was hard, but it looks like its not if you can do it.'

It was a throwaway comment and she has since said that she didn't think it through, but I just felt so utterly belittled by it. Like the last three years don't matter at all, and it's just an 'easy' thing anyone can do.

She is a lovely woman, and very intelligent. She's also a perfectly competent writer, however that is as far as it goes. She is also interested in freelance journalism for the money, which I find laughable after being skint so long.

She also asked me for an editors contact details for a magazine I had written for, and then asked me what kind of thing they take because she 'doesn't have time to read it.'

She has skills that I don't have, and would never claim to have, or dismiss as nothing. She is fluent in several languages, is a great organiser and a talented musician.

I've just been upset by her attitude for a while, and her Guardian comment really got me.

YABU to write for The Guardian.

Seriously, she sounds very selfish. YANBU to be irked but, as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Thanks guys, especially fellow journalists, freelancers and writers, but really all of you for understanding and being lovely and getting that the friendship is valuable but so is the writing.

I will have a proper chat with her about her comments and behaviour. I did feel very dashed the other day and wasn't ready to confront her but I will. I do wish her well as a writer, but as I said in my original post, I find it laughable she sees it as a way to become wealthy.xx

You are being very magnanimous given her behaviour . I would not be so decent . My own experience has taught me to be wary , and I would encourage you to put yourself first all the time from now on. Good luck and congratulations on your really fantastic achievements to date - onwards and upwards !

TBH I'm not sure what a chat with her is likely to achieve, she will backpedal as much as she can so she can keep your contacts.

Far more effective would be next time she asks for an editors name, or tries to get you to do her leg work, just casually say "Oh I'm not giving that information out anymore." If she asks why just say that you didn't feel she valued it or indeed appreciated how hard it is to get yourself in print (The Guardian - that's brilliant you rock OP ) so you'd rather keep your knowledge that you have built up through the years to yourself.

I too understand why you've helped her out - but it's time to stop.

Make her do a bit of her own legwork. And as PP said, how hard is it to google contact details, and follow up with a phone-call or two to make sure you've pinpointed the right person? In other words, basic journalistic skills?

The comment she made was nasty, you're not being sensitive. It almost sounds like you are a bit in awe of her and all her languages. No need. You're demonstrating more intelligence with your approach, from the sound of it. And you are forging your own career, unlike her.

You do have a point about the money - she'll soon find out it's not the route to riches

You don't even need to quote Data Protection Act just don't help her anymore!

Also you don't NEED to give reasons as to why you're not helping her professionally close friend or not.

I can't see that anyone else has made the comment, but it strikes me she is a bit piqued by your success relative to hers. She's jealous.

I'm a freelance journalist and I belong to a couple of online forums where people regularly share contacts. That's OK, though, as long as people give as well as take. I think just asking for contacts and not giving any back is a bit off - it's also a bit annoying that she wants to pitch to the same editors as you, presumably on the assumption that if they'll accept one freelance pitch they'll be receptive to others. But there's nothing to stop her finding her own editors.

The remark about getting into the Guardian is really off. The thing is, when you start off as a freelance the first couple of years are tough, and it does involve reading publications, doing your research, sending off pitch after pitch that gets rejected before you make a name for yourself. She shouldn't be piggybacking on your hard work.

Seems to me that if you want to be a successful writer, you should be extra aware of how the way you word something comes across to other people.

Giving someone a hand to get started is great, but there is also a time to let her sink or swim on her own and see what the reality is without you holding her hand and babying her along. She thinks it really easy because youre MAKING it easy.

OP, you are laughing at her dreams of making money, but you won't be laughing when she makes a shitload of money using one of your contacts. You might be underestimating your Machiavellian friend. She may be cannier and smarter than you think. She might achieve fame and fortune with a contact you worked for and handed over to her, will you be laughing then? I don't think so. You will feel like a right mug.

It's not always the most talented and hardworking (you) who make the money, sometimes it's the people prepared to step on the backs of their friends who end up ahead. She's waiting for her big break - easy to do because she doesn't have to waste time networking and doing google searches. You are doing that bit for her and passing on the contacts because you're such a nice person. You are a bit wrapped up in the glow of what a nice person you are, so you are not seeing what's going on with your friend, even though it's staring you in the face.

Be nice, pay it forwards, but don't be a mug.