to feel belittled by a 'casual remark' - am I oversensitive

[TravellingHopefully12]

Hey, I'm new and this is my first post, so I hope it's OK. I honestly would like some perspective on this, as I might be being oversensitive, and honestly don't know. Sorry its a bit long.

I work as a freelancer in a very competitive field (journalism.) I have done this for three years now and have reached a point where I am getting regular work. It's been a hard slog, and at first I often had to work for free.

One of my close friends is very interested in getting into the same line of work as me, and she often asks me for contact details of people who can help. In the past I have provided some, but not all.

Recently every time I have a piece published she has asked 'Please can I have the editors contacts?' and I have sent them, meaning she has got a bit of work, however nothing huge.

The other week I had a feature published in a major newspaper, not just the website (that's happened before) but the print publication. I was over the moon and I shared on Facebook.

Straight away she asked me for the editor's contact, and then said 'I thought getting into the Guardian was hard, but it looks like its not if you can do it.'

It was a throwaway comment and she has since said that she didn't think it through, but I just felt so utterly belittled by it. Like the last three years don't matter at all, and it's just an 'easy' thing anyone can do.

She is a lovely woman, and very intelligent. She's also a perfectly competent writer, however that is as far as it goes. She is also interested in freelance journalism for the money, which I find laughable after being skint so long.

She also asked me for an editors contact details for a magazine I had written for, and then asked me what kind of thing they take because she 'doesn't have time to read it.'

She has skills that I don't have, and would never claim to have, or dismiss as nothing. She is fluent in several languages, is a great organiser and a talented musician.

I've just been upset by her attitude for a while, and her Guardian comment really got me.

"Sorry, I can't give out that information anymore because I am getting a reputation for unauthorised passing on of editors' contact details. I can't risk it any longer, you'll have to go about it the traditional way."

YANBU and congratulations on getting your piece published :)

Tenacity is a key characteristic of journalists and your friend needs to understand that. She isn't marching up to KFC and demanding their secret chicken recipe so why does she think it's okay to demand your contacts?

I think many writers face variations on this problem because it's a skill so many people have and think they can therefore do it for a living. They also think the whole thing is much more glamorous than sitting in a room writing banging your head off the desk.

I've had:

• 'You're so lucky not working!' - no, I AM working, I write books, that IS my work. I also worked my backside off writing alongside my 'day' job so effectively did two jobs for several years until I got a book deal.
• 'Can you read my book that I've written? It's only 200,000 words long about an alien who falls in love with a cactus.' - No because I get asked this so often I would never have time to write if I read all these manuscripts. I read unpublished works for friends and many of them have done the same for me.
• 'Can you tell me how to get published?' - Yes. Get a copy of the Writers' and Artists' yearbook and write a really good book. (Disclaimer: sadly it isn't that easy any more )
• Can you tell me your Editor's name / phone number / email etc? - No, because I don't know you, I've never read your work and I don't want you to pretend that I am somehow recommending or endorsing you.
• 'Can you just give me an idea for a book to help me get started?' - 'Yes. I'll chuck in my ATM pincode and my front door key while I'm at it. Help yourself.'

That was quite cathartic

Er...'unauthorised contact details'? How do you think section eds/feature eds get pitched to? They want their details given out. They need freelancers to pitch! Whenever I've edited, I've been delighted to receive ideas.

Your friend is a pita, but for separate reasons.

"'Send me their contact details'
'Well if someone like ME got them, it must be really easy to do, so good luck getting them yourself.'"

Love that. :)

I'm not allowed to pass on people's contact details to people outside my organisation, and your organisation is...well, just you, so you are perfectly within your rights to do the same.

Being a good writer is NOT the only skill she will need to make this into a career, as you well. know. I feel she will fall down not only on the research front (CBA tendencies), but on the winning people over side of things. If she ever applied for a staff job and said she couldn't be arsed to have done research into the publication, and when asked for a suggested contact said "Oh, I'll just ask TravellingHopefully" she probably wouldn't get very far either.

Her comment wasn't "thoughtless", she knew what she was saying, she just didn't foresee that you would stand up to her about it. Does she see you as a bit of a walkover? :(

"'Send me their contact details'
'Well if someone like ME got them, it must be really easy to do, so good luck getting them yourself.'"

Well said captainankles

I ask people for contacts all the time. The difference is that I (a) ask nicely (b) do know what I am doing.

Different industry, similar situations. Have given inadvertently my ideas and contacts to people and watched them sail along and pass them off as their own. Nowadays I m a little more guarded. I used believe in karma like that, but I m judicious in the information I share.
If she really wants to get in touch with editors they are not completely beyond reach, in this day and age, I assume. Surely if she is motivated and has initiative she ll manage to get in touch.
The comment was a little snippy, possibly jealous and very insensitive. No need to end the friendship, but where profession is concerned no harm to keep a little bit of distance and decorum.

YAsoNBU. My MIL made a really really rude belittling remark to me just before she left (they live overseas). I am still fuming about it. I have restarted work after being a SAHM for 8 years. She said it was just for abit of "pocket money". I am a fucking solicitor not doing a paper round. Just so angry. So OP sympathies!

I think people who helped you weren't your competitors. They were coaching you or helping but themselfes not doing exactly the same job. I think you have to recognise that to stop feeling guilty if you say "no" to her.

Kerala1, you need to buy your MIL a Christmas present with your pocket money - perhaps a pair of earrings from Claire's Accessories?

OP, you are mad giving her their details if she's then approaching them and getting work that you might otherwise have got.

She does seem to be lazy, doesn't she? She also doesn't think much of you working harder than she does. I would withdraw a bit and if she asks for contact details, just say, "It's better if you get your own contacts now. I need to hold on to these as they're going to give me more work in the future."

Congrats OP, good work!

Stop helping her out, claim you are too busy and just keep a distance. Thoughtless or not it was a mean comment.

I'm a sub, OP, and there's only so much freelance work to go round. I have shared contact details in the past with friends who are starting out, and offered what help I can, but on the understanding that it is reciprocal. I have been burned on occasion.

It's hard to say no, but I think you need to have an honest conversation with her; this seems as good an opportunity as any. Say her comment did hurt your feelings, and use it as an opportunity perhaps to mention that you hope the help you've given her so far has been useful and a good start. Hopefully she'll take the hint, particularly when you do not reply to her next email asking for a contact.

Congratulations on your Guardian piece, that's fantastic. Any chance you could share your contacts with me?

Could you find a way of saying to her what you have said in your OP? I say this because I have behaved in a similar way to your friend in the past, without realising how it affected my friend.
I had no idea she was feeling used and resentful till she exploded and said a lot of terribly hurtful things that the friendship never recovered from.

I wish she had been more assertive or that I had been more sensitive before that point.

Considering she is supposed to be a writer, her comment was composed terribly. The only way I can see she meant it was that she thought getting into the guardian would not be something she could ever imagine achieving, but knowing someone personally who has succeeded at this made it seem easier and more achievable in her mind.

She does sound like a workshy user though.

I think I'd distance myself from her for a while. Definitely don't give her any more of your contacts. She needs to do her own networking - cheeky beggar!
I'm not surprised you didn't like the Guardian comment -she's got more front than Harrods by the sound of things.
I'm sure she's nice in other ways but you are trying to establish yourself at the moment and doing very well - you need to surround yourself with positive energy and she's the kind of mood hoover you'd be better keeping at arms length for a while. Congrats on your success x

'I want to be supportive of other people I guess, as people have been of me' - yes, I get that, but be careful who you give to as some people will just take and take with no gratitude and no comprehension of your help. You can keep friends but avoid giving contacts and maybe help someone else on their way up.

I agree with helping people get on the ladder like you had, but if people don't appreciate your help and make nasty remarks like this then it's time to think twice about helping them further.

I would save the help for someone who treats you better.

Congratulations on the piece by the way!

YANBU.

Is she someone who forgets to engage her brain before moving her mouth?
Let her work for her contacts, in future, OP, that was a downright nasty thing to say.

Well done on your success and here's to lots more of the same!

Haven't rtft but off the bat I'd say, drop her! She's using you and she's bloody rude. I'd be upset too.

If she wants to be a journalist she can find her own bloody contact details and do her own hard work.

Hi OP, I'm also a freelance journalist and have written a few bits for the Guardian - my first 'big' piece was for them and like you I was bloody chuffed. So I'm replying to you in that context.

I understand where you're coming from, as journalism is a field where people do share contacts as a union ideal. However, people are also protective of their contacts, and rightly so, when others ask for them. They're built up, like mine, over years of work. But more importantly, I don't want an editor I know, and like, and know is decent, to be bugged with stuff that may be crap. Your friend is not a journalist and will damage your own rep as one.

If you want to be kind: tell her to find out who edits the magazines she wants to write for, and pitch a story to them (this will make her head explode). If you want to not be kind (oh, but do), tell her she's precious and untalented dick and needs a good slap .

I run a writing course in west London if she's interested

It was a spiteful dig, not a casual remark.

You sound very nice, but you have to stop making excuses for unpleasant people. She may be fluent in several languages and a talented musician, but so what? You've been published, she's envious and she can't control her spite.

I was a journalist for over 10 years and there's sharing contacts with people on your immediate team, when it is someone you are likely to all come into contact with, like, I don't know, a SAHM case study, or a new police press officer, then there are the contacts you keep to yourself for various reasons.
IME unless your friend is returning the favour and giving you hard to reach contacts, then she's using you.

Look at it this way, if you sold double glazing for a living, and someone said "Oh, you must give me some of your leads so I can make the sale and get the commission" would you do it? Of course not, and this is no different.

I've met people like her before - someone tells them they have a way with words, next thing they are a journalist, as though it's the easiest thing in the world. They invariably come a cropper though, because legal training, nuance and diplomacy don't always come as easily.

I could tell you some stories of people like this but won't for fear of IDing myself, but needless to say a writer and a journalist are not the same thing.

Well done on the Guardian piece, by the way!

Congratulations, OP.

Well my take on it is that no man is a prophet in their own land. I don't think she actually meant it the way it sounds awful and very rude but we may think our friends are wonderful but don't expect them to go to the top.

The comment isn't so bad - your friend probably just meant "This felt unattainable to me but one of my friends is doing it, yay!!", but the constant piggybacking off your hard work and your contacts is very annoying, and your friend's comment shows a total lack of awareness that this is the situation.

I typed Guardian Commissioning Editor into Google and got the info in 30s.

Why can't she do the same?