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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel belittled by a 'casual remark' - am I oversensitive

86 replies

TravellingHopefully12 · 15/02/2015 17:26

Hey, I'm new and this is my first post, so I hope it's OK. I honestly would like some perspective on this, as I might be being oversensitive, and honestly don't know. Sorry its a bit long.

I work as a freelancer in a very competitive field (journalism.) I have done this for three years now and have reached a point where I am getting regular work. It's been a hard slog, and at first I often had to work for free.

One of my close friends is very interested in getting into the same line of work as me, and she often asks me for contact details of people who can help. In the past I have provided some, but not all.

Recently every time I have a piece published she has asked 'Please can I have the editors contacts?' and I have sent them, meaning she has got a bit of work, however nothing huge.

The other week I had a feature published in a major newspaper, not just the website (that's happened before) but the print publication. I was over the moon and I shared on Facebook.

Straight away she asked me for the editor's contact, and then said 'I thought getting into the Guardian was hard, but it looks like its not if you can do it.'

It was a throwaway comment and she has since said that she didn't think it through, but I just felt so utterly belittled by it. Like the last three years don't matter at all, and it's just an 'easy' thing anyone can do.

She is a lovely woman, and very intelligent. She's also a perfectly competent writer, however that is as far as it goes. She is also interested in freelance journalism for the money, which I find laughable after being skint so long.

She also asked me for an editors contact details for a magazine I had written for, and then asked me what kind of thing they take because she 'doesn't have time to read it.'

She has skills that I don't have, and would never claim to have, or dismiss as nothing. She is fluent in several languages, is a great organiser and a talented musician.

I've just been upset by her attitude for a while, and her Guardian comment really got me.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 15/02/2015 17:46

Stop giving her your editors' details. Do you think they want you handing them out to your friends? Especially when your friend in this case can't be bothered researching their magazines properly.

GloriousGoosebumps · 15/02/2015 17:48

It's very generous of you to simply hand over your contacts to your friend but she obviously doesn't value your skills and it’s very presumptuous of her to think its ok to build her career on the back of your contacts. It’s time to stop handing over your contacts, either stop responding to her requests for your contacts or simply tell her it’s time for her to find out exactly how difficult it is when she is not being spoon fed by you.

EduCated · 15/02/2015 17:50

Well done you on the feature!

My DM is having similar problems, recently gone freelance in completely different field. One of her ex-colleagues left shortly after and now keeps talking about going into 'partnership' with DM, and working together. Which seems to mean passing over hard won leads and contracts Rude and laughably unreasonable.

SuggestmeaUsername · 15/02/2015 17:51

Am guessing she did not think it through what she said and did not mean it in the way you think she meant it.

However , you have worked hard to get where you are and it is unfair for her to now waltz in to a journalism career on the back of all your hard work. she should get off her backside and get her own contacts.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/02/2015 17:54

She's using you and I agree that the Editor's would be pissed off that you're handing out their number.

She might be a 'lovely' person but she's not appearing that way to me.

GokTwo · 15/02/2015 17:55

Crikey, she's got a nerve! I think you have to stop helping her out with contacts all the time. Well done though, it sounds like your career is really taking off.

bobbyjoe · 15/02/2015 17:57

I do something similar and closely guard all contacts as it's my livelihood. One "friend" went behind my back and contacted one of my jobs to try and ease me out and himself in! I don't ask others who they're working for for this reason. Just tell him you're sorry but can't share this info as you're trying to build up a career but you wish her luck in the same. Don't discuss work with her and frankly keep your successes off FB so she can't get ideas that way. Well done on the Guardian article. If you're a bit more assertive it doesn't mean she'll drop you. If she does over that she's not a friend.

GokTwo · 15/02/2015 17:57

Good advice from others here op. Especially EvaBeaver, she's in the same field and would never share her contacts like this so you shouldn't either.

Catsize · 15/02/2015 17:57

I take it she's not into investigative journalism...

CaptainAnkles · 15/02/2015 17:58

'Send me their contact details'
'Well if someone like ME got them, it must be really easy to do, so good luck getting them yourself.'

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/02/2015 17:58

I would say something along the lines of, "It is actually quite challenging to make a career in journalism - of course, it is easier if you hang on the coat tails of a more successful friend, and use all their contacts to get your own work published!"

MairzyDoats · 15/02/2015 17:59

People aren't just 'all bad' or 'all good'. We're complex, we have nasty bits and lovely bits. I think you're friend acted badly - very likely through jealousy/competitiveness - but I don't think you should ditch her entirely. Did you respond to her message when she apologised? If you haven't, or if you brushed it off, you should revisit it and tell her that it DID hurt you and that you'd have welcomed her being more supportive. If she's a genuinely good friend she'll get it. I'd want to know if I'd hurt someone like that. Also, don't go giving her any more contacts, you daft mug!

MairzyDoats · 15/02/2015 17:59

YOUR. Gah.

Original poster

TravellingHopefully12 · 15/02/2015 18:00

Thank you to all who've said congrats. Yeah, I was chuffed to get the piece.

I guess I feel there's an element of Karma in helping someone and giving back. When I began freelancing I worked for several really good editors who gave me a lot of guidance into how to improve, pitch better, etc. Some of them even referred me to their colleagues, which was very kind.

I've also been helped by other friends in various ways. When I was starting out another friend of ours used to do my proofreading, and because I couldn't pay her I'd just cook her dinner or something to say thank you.

I want to be supportive of other people I guess, as people have been of me, although perhaps my attitude so far encouraged her to rely on me overly much. I do want to save the friendship, I just feel silly that amid many of my friends saying 'well done' etc, I focus on the comment she made.

OP posts:

SolomanDaisy · 15/02/2015 18:00

That is so rude! And after using you for your contacts as well. You need to not talk to her about anything professional.

OddFodd · 15/02/2015 18:00

You know, OP, sometimes old friends take us for granted and treat us like crap.

You're not being over-sensitive at all and I think you may need to redraw the parameters of your relationship. Be honest - is she the leader and you're the follower? Because it sounds like that to me. That's fine - a lot of friendships work like that. I suspect that she's finding it a bit odd that things are out of kilter - you're doing really well at your chosen field and she's trying to get in and not doing as well. That isn't how the world works in her view - she should be out front and you should be playing catch up.

You can revive the friendship but you both need to acknowledge that things need to change and have a really honest conversation.

Incidentally, I'm a freelance specialist (writing is part of what I do but not all of it) and I have had people who've done a week-long course and think they can do what I do. It's been my profession for 20 years. I completely understand how bloody irritating it is when someone just thinks any fool can do what you do

bobbyjoe · 15/02/2015 18:00

I would make it a rule to only help someone out on contacts if you have a regular overspill of work and don't want any more, but even then it would only be a crumb.

Simile · 15/02/2015 18:04

If you have a true friendship then it will survive you say "no" to her. If you're being used it won't.

Look at what you have achieved, culminating in an article in the Guardian. That's all you, no-one else. If it were easy your friend could do it without you researching and networking for her. Yes? Yet she cannot. Give yourself an enormous pat on the back (while you lock up your contact list).

iwant2know · 15/02/2015 18:05

YANBU I would suggest telling her that you can't give out any more contact details because of the Data Protection Act. Sharing personal details without the persons permission is a breach of the DPA.

DoJo · 15/02/2015 18:07

Is she thinks that being a good writer is enough to win her a career as a freelancer, then she is mistaken - what you are doing in making a name for yourself, building up a reputation and networking with the people you need to have 'on side' is the most difficult, demanding and time-consuming part of the job. By giving her your contacts you are not only selling yourself short, but you are giving her the impression that having someone's email address is more important than having a relationship and mutual respect.

She sounds like she undervalues your skills - not just from that comment, but because she asks for editors' details from you as though she can achieve what you have done by piggy-backing off your success. I agree with PPs that I wouldn't be too pleased if I was an editor who was being contacted directly by someone who had got my details in this way, so you need to stop giving them out to her to protect your own contacts.

FinallyHere · 15/02/2015 18:21

Congratulations on getting your feature published. As everyone says, thats quite an achievement. Anyone who says otherwise has never tried.

Any time anyone asks me for contact details, I say that I'm not at liberty to pass them on, but would be happy to give the desired person their details, and leave it up to them whether to take it any further. The data protection act covers exactly this situtation.

I wouldn't expect anyone to hand out my details, without my permission.

grimbletart · 15/02/2015 18:26

She's not going to make a very good journalist if she can't find out something so simple as who to speak to about what.

One of the first things a 'baby' reporter learns is where to go to find out something you don't know.

motherinferior · 15/02/2015 18:33

Ok. I too am a freelance journalist and like you I've had a lot of support from colleagues in the field; we all help each other out with contact details and also, let's face it, now to them are pretty easy to track down! I also have had friends making similar remarks...but, you know, they're going to get nowhere with their pathetic badly-thought-out pitches. And this thought consoles me greatly.

motherinferior · 15/02/2015 18:34

Most of them, not now to them!

motherinferior · 15/02/2015 18:39

I do feel that it's only other people's generosity over the past 15 years that has enabled me to build up my career, so I do try to share equally generously. But I snigger madly when crap pitches are rejected.

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