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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help me - those who had babies at 45

95 replies

totallystunned · 13/02/2015 10:45

AIBU to be terrified and feel such a bloody fool.. Found out this morning I'm pregnant. I'm 45. I have two sons of 16 and 12. Same marriage/dad as this one. I haven't told him yet.

Please can someone calm me down?

This is very very unexpected and it will just change everything.

With respect I'd like to hear from those who've had babies mid to late 40s not 39/40 as there is a massive difference medically, physically and mentally between 40 and 45.

I've namechanged.

OP posts:

wouldliketoknow2 · 13/02/2015 10:58

I haven't myself (had a baby at around 45) but my friend had her last and planned baby at 44 without batting an eyelid. Similarly an acquaintance who had her son at 45. Both babies and mothers fine. I think it is more and more common. I think it is more the change to routine etc that will impact, than health issues.
(Congratulations btw - ).

kitchentableagain · 13/02/2015 11:02

I haven't but I was one. I was born a month before mum's 44th birthday. I was the 6th, the eldest was 25 years older than me. It can be okay. Which doesn't mean anything obviously so probably pointless saying so! But her experience and extra patience which had come with age made it not matter that she had less energy than when she was 18. She would have had a 7th too if it hadn't been for her age.

londonrach · 13/02/2015 11:04

Congratulations. My gran had my uncle (also my grandads boy) mid 40s which meant there was an 18 and 16 year gap between him and my other uncle and mum.. My uncle had amazing childhood with two older siblings who he worshiped and older parents who had more time and had learnt from their previous children. As a result they all very close (mum and uncles as my gran and grandad have passed away). still and see each other regularly despite the distance!

Floggingmolly · 13/02/2015 11:04

I know someone who only started at 40. She now has four - last one at 47. They're all doing fine...

nishnashnoo · 13/02/2015 11:04

I had my "unexpected surprise" 2 weeks before my 45th birthday and it's been fine. I can honestly say that it was no more difficult than my first 13 years ago! In some ways, I'm possibly getting more out of my time with DD2 as I see myself as so lucky to have her! I do have worries about her being teased for having an old Mum, but we'll deal with that when/if it happens. Having a young child actually makes me feel (and apparently look/behave) much younger than I am!
You're not a "bloody fool"... Relax, try to get your head round the news and talk to your DP as soon as poss!

Apatite1 · 13/02/2015 11:06

Congrats! If I ever have kids, I'll be an older mum. Being older doesn't faze me one bit. It's more the having kids bit hah.

You've done this before. You may be a bit more tired, big change in routine, obviously this is unexpected, but there's absolutely no reason to think that this won't go smoothly. Bet you could teach young mums a thing or two!

Enjoy it!

Apatite1 · 13/02/2015 11:07

Oh and my grandmother had her last baby at the age of 48.

shovetheholly · 13/02/2015 11:08

A relative fell pregnant at 44 with her second. She's an AMAZING mum. You'll be just fine, OP. Congratulations!

jingscrivvens · 13/02/2015 11:10

Not me but my Mum had a healthy 10lb DS2 at 45, DS1 was 16 and I was 17. It brought our family together, everybody pitched in as Mum was self employed and had to go back to work at 3 months, Dad became a SAHD for the first time and got a complete shock.

She never had any problems throughout her pregnancy but was monitored to an inch of her life due to her being a geriatric mother!

Mum thought it was hilarious that she got state pension and child allowance at the same time for a couple a years.

I hope that it all works out for you, it was one of the best times of my life when baby bro came along

Brandysnapper · 13/02/2015 11:10

I had my lo at 43, I haven't had a child in my twenties so don't know how that compares but I've found it easier than with the one I had in my thirties, if that makes sense. Congratulations.

Ledkr · 13/02/2015 11:11

44, similar to you I had much older kids. My eldest was 26 my youngest 9. I was pretty terrified and completely devastated at the thought of school runs in my 50s etc.
Terrified of birth defects so I had all the tests done privately so early.
Pregnancy was ok, no issues, had a section but only cos I'd had 3 previous ones.
Recovery very good.
Night feeds a bit tedious but dh did lots cos he's younger.

She's 4 now. I adore her, I have lots of mum friends who are my age.
She keeps me young and vibrant, my older dc love her dearly.

Pm me if you want.

heronsfly · 13/02/2015 11:12

I had my 6th dc dd3 when I was 45, it was lovely,nice easy pregnancy and a normal quick delivery only downside was the constant reminders of risks from the medical profession plenty of help from the older ones who adored her as a baby, and still pander to her every whim now she is a stroppy teenager

Apatite1 · 13/02/2015 11:15

I wanted to add that all the 40+ mums I see look younger than I originally thought they were. Their kids really do keep them looking more vibrant I find. A couple I was shocked to hear had 20 year olds as well!

Original poster

totallystunned · 13/02/2015 11:16

Oh my god everyone!

You are so so kind and helpful and lovely I am welling up!

I'm sorry I'm too emotional and shocked to reply too much more - plus I have just told dh who was gobsmacked.

I'm going to keep reading and will be back in a while.

Thanks

OP posts:

DelightfulFunky · 13/02/2015 11:16

Not quite the same thing but my mum had me at 44, I was a total surprise! They already had 4 older daughters. My mum was just as good a mum to me as she was with my older sisters. I've certainly loved being the baby of the family (now almost 48!) and I am extremely close to all my sisters but especially my older who will be 71 next month.

Congratulations and good luck!

DustyBedhead · 13/02/2015 11:18

You'll be fine, I'm 45 with two children, one is nearly 2yrs the other is 22yrs. I don't see it as an issue but did get stopped in the supermarket by a nice old lady who cooed over DC in buggy and asked if I had anymore and were they at school, I replied yes I have another but he's 22 and at work. She promptly swung her walking stick in the air and said 'what the bloody hells wrong with you? I smiled and walked away chuckling to myself.

spiderlight · 13/02/2015 11:21

My mum had me just before she turned 47. I couldn't have wished for a kinder or more loving mum. She couldn't run around with me as much as my friends' mums could but she made up for that in so many other ways.

Congratulations, by the way!

MrsPurchase · 13/02/2015 11:27

A colleague of mine had a DC aged 20 from a student relationship. She married someone else, and had two DC in quick succession. IFAIK she's 43, and having a ball.
Congrats

Lemonylemon · 13/02/2015 11:28

I had DD when I was 44.5 (so nearly 45 :D) DD is now 7. My DS is nearly 18, so quite a big age gap there to. I had no problems with the pregnancy, felt absolutely fantastic - skin was fabulous and my hair went all big and shiny. I had an emergency CS, but for other medical reasons, not because I was so old. I have managed alone with both DCs and I learned that things just had to be done a bit slower as I was that bit older - (DD's dad died when I was 6 months pregnant). Apart from that, I would do it all over again, I've had a wonderful, unexpected second chance at being "mum" again.

Linus33 · 13/02/2015 11:29

My stepmother was 45 when she had my half-sister who is just 18 months older than my eldest son. It does feel a bit weird having a 14 year-old 'sister' and a 13 year-old son! She's beautiful, as is her mum and they've got a lovely relationship despite the onset of the teenager!

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 11:32

Me too :) Planned though. At 45. Little DD4 is 13 months. I am LOVING it Younger DDs 21, 19 and 17.

You'll be fine OP It'll keep you young y'know.

ssd · 13/02/2015 11:32

congrats op, how exciting for you all!

WitchWay · 13/02/2015 11:33

I'm a GP & am going to be blunt.

You need to think seriously about the increased genetic risks to the baby - Down's syndrome, for example - & whether you would want testing - it will certainly be offered.

The chances are still in your favour that the baby would be fine, but what if it isn't? How will that affect the family dynamics?

You need to think seriously about whether or not to continue with the pregnancy full stop & the implications of adding a baby to your fairly grown-up family, also how you would feel later if you decided to have a termination.

PacificDogwood · 13/02/2015 11:34

Ah, totallystunned, what a shock

I had my last baby aged 44 - had no problems at all. Lovely pregnancy, great v fast labour and delivery, healthy DS4 who is now almost 5.

Don't worry about your age - it is not that long ago that women as a matter of course had babies from their late teens to their late 40s.
I think you have to deal with the shock of this sudden and unexpected development and then consider what it is you want to do as any woman who finds herself with an unplanned pregnancy does, irrespective of age.

V best wishes, whatever you decide to do

MonstrousRatbag · 13/02/2015 11:35

I had my second child aged 43. It did feel harder than my first pregnancy at 40, but I was fit and healthy and it was fine. No doubt about it though, it takes longer to recover. If you do this, it is very important you don't put on too much weight and you do exercise, however gently, throughout.

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