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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me - those who had babies at 45

95 replies

totallystunned · 13/02/2015 10:45

AIBU to be terrified and feel such a bloody fool.. Found out this morning I'm pregnant. I'm 45. I have two sons of 16 and 12. Same marriage/dad as this one. I haven't told him yet.

Please can someone calm me down?

This is very very unexpected and it will just change everything.

With respect I'd like to hear from those who've had babies mid to late 40s not 39/40 as there is a massive difference medically, physically and mentally between 40 and 45.

I've namechanged.

OP posts:
Snapespotions · 13/02/2015 14:17

My goddaughter was born when her mum was 45. She has brought enormous unexpected joy to the whole family! :)

Yes, it was treated as a "high risk" pregnancy, but actually all went smoothly!

FlabbyMummy · 13/02/2015 14:19

My friend had an unexpected baby at 47. All healthy and good

sconequeen · 13/02/2015 14:32

Congratulations.

I had my 2 at 42 and 46. (They are not 8 and 4.) I do wish I had been younger when I had them (we were ttc for 10 years before DC1 and both were IVF babies much against the odds).

The downside is the financial drain at a time when you might otherwise be accumulating a bit of reserve for retirement - a bigger challenge in practice than I would have anticipated, although we were quite comfortable before DD was born, but not really that different from the financial challenges many younger parents have.

The upsides are many, however. Not least that we have been something wonderful at an unexpected time for me, DH and my own DM (whose other grandchildren are in their late teens/early 20s and who never expected to have another little one to dote on). Also, I know they keep me young (physically and mentally) and I have noticed that people tend to assume that I am younger than I actually am. I get knackered too sometimes, I won't deny it, and I think my life experience does give me a different approach to parenting than some younger parents but age is not the only definer in what kind of parent you are.

I do worry more sometimes about the prospect of being a mum to teenagers in my 60s but you will have the advantage over me of experience with your older two.

Yes, there are increased risks when you are an older mum but you will be closely monitored, and there are risks with all pregnancies. I personally think that the contributions from the two GPs above are extremely unhelpful but you can be sure that you will get plenty more comments like these from HCPs. Take the risks on board but keep them in perspective and do not allow yourself to panic or be rushed down avenues you don't want.

For what it is worth, we had no screening during either pregnancy - the risks of the CVS test were too high for us - but we did have a detailed anomaly scan at 20 weeks so that we could be forewarned of any potential problems.

My advice is to let yourself get used to the idea and then take each day as it comes. Definitely don't cross over any bridges till you come to them. Hoping that this is the start of a lovely new phase in your lives, as it has been in ours.

ssd · 13/02/2015 15:12

op, I was high risk of downs with both pregnancies and I was early 30's

it happens, my friend who was 40 was low risk....

dont let the statistics frighten you Thanks

ssd · 13/02/2015 15:15

oh and I had amnio's to

Original poster
totallystunned · 13/02/2015 15:16

Wow thanks again to everyone who's taken time to post.

My dh - he is shocked. He's a lovely man who likes long lie ins and doesn't like getting up in the night - something that was a problem and I feel is pretty selfish, esp when I was knackered beyond belief. He however is a great cook, cleaner, mate, husband and very interested and involved with the dc's schooling, clubs, development. I have no idea if he will suggest a termination or say let's go for it. My best guess is he will say 'I want whatever you want'.

Screening - I need to really really think about this and read up on it more. And of course I need to make an appointment with my GP asap.

My body - I guess it's just because I'm slim-ish for the first time in years after taking up running. It's not a big deal...

OP posts:
Ledkr · 13/02/2015 15:37

witch I'm glad u aren't my gp Hmm
Did yiu not read all the positive stories on here?
It's not all negative!

Ledkr · 13/02/2015 15:41

Op.
I went to Harley st at 11 wks to the FMC.
Got results there and then even knew she was a girl.
All for £150. I'd recommend it.
We do miss our lie Ins tbf but watching grow has been such a delight which balances it out.
We sat in bed this mornjng till midday watching Netflix and having bananas so I kind if get lie ins.

funkyfoam · 13/02/2015 15:52

I also know someone who had her first at 40 her last at 47 and has 4.....

loveandsmiles · 13/02/2015 15:57

Congratulations OPFlowers

I have just discovered I am pregnant with my 6th at the age of 47 years - I had self-diagnosed myself with an early menopause! I am booked in for my first scan a week on Monday! Yes, we are shocked and scared but also feel excited too......

We had our first when I was 34 years and our fifth when i was 45 years and I have been very lucky to have had no problems.

I know I will worry throughout the pregnancy but I am naturally a worrier anyway. Just take each day as it comes and try to enjoy itSmile

TracyBarlow · 13/02/2015 15:57

My mum had number 8 at 45 when she'd just resumed her career after a 25 year gap. It was a big surprise for her. But it was fine. We all dote on her despite the 23 year gap between no 1 and no 8. She's 19 now and the cleverest and kindest of us all. You'll be grand OP.

5dogsgoswimming · 13/02/2015 16:11

No experience.
But maybe think about the joy this little cherub will bring to your life!
You could be knocked down by a his at 30 as easily as at 50 so age to some extent is irrelevant other than the obvious riskier pregnancy . Maybe talk to an expert....... A midwife or someone similar...

lotsofcheese · 13/02/2015 16:19

Congratulations OP, you musts till be in shock. Any idea how far along you are?

I had DD at 41 - very planned. It's not unusual these days.

There is great support on the 40+ pregnancy threads - sorry cant link as on phone - but it was a great support to me when I had DD.good luck

5dogsgoswimming · 13/02/2015 16:33

A bus not a his.

Congratulations!

X

ClumsyNinja · 13/02/2015 16:33

Aw, congratulations OP. Flowers

I had my only DS very unexpectedly at 44. Ignored the obvious symptoms for about 12 weeks as assumed I was going through the menopause!

Pregnancy and birth went perfectly, despite the doom and gloom medics. In fact, they were the only downside to the pregnancy and really pissed me off. I had to remind them it was my body not theirs when they tried to medicalise things. At least that's easier to do when you're older.

Older DH has two grown up DS's and he was in shock for quite some time but after retiring, he's been an absolutely brilliant dad. Very hands on and involved.

My own parents had me (5th child) in their late forties and were very healthy and active parents. The only downside is that neither of them are alive to enjoy this grandchild.

WitchWay · 13/02/2015 17:39

Ledkr of course I have read the positive stories & am delighted it worked well for so many, but whenever a pregnancy is announced on MN there is a sudden rush into happy la la land as if nothing could possibly go wrong...

I might be your GP, you never know...

Original poster
totallystunned · 13/02/2015 19:04

Well I have talked more to dh. We are both still reeling but beginning to think things through. Ultimately he said the most important thing is for me to know he supports me 100% in whatever I want to do. Yes it's a joint decision, but my choice obviously tips the balance, it being my body and all.

We had a good chat - semi hysterical half the time but there you go! He is making me fish pie as we speak as I demanded it!

The impact that your positive stories are having on me is wonderful.

Witch I appreciate your honesty and wasn't at all offended by your straight speaking but I think it's a little naive and frankly wrong to say no-one thinks a pregnancy can go wrong. I've had miscarriages as have others on here. I know at my age there are big risks, as does everyone else on here. Even so thanks for your comments, I am taking your words in.

OP posts:
duchesse · 13/02/2015 19:15

Not 45, but 41, after a 12 year gap (also same partner etc). Been the most lovely thing ever. The older children are like extra parents. We've only had to employ a babysitter twice in 5 years. So very many congratulations and I cannot say I'm not a teensy weensy bit Envy.

ssd · 13/02/2015 19:19

you andr dh sound like a good team op

if you do decide to go ahead and forge on with your pregnancy, I'm sure you'll all be fine.

Runnyhunny · 13/02/2015 19:21

I found out I was 6 wks pregnant on my 45th birthday. I miscarried the day i found out. You may not necessarily go full term. But I understand how you feel. Just take each day as it comes

mylifetoo · 13/02/2015 19:22

Hi, I had DS 6 at 44, then became pregnant again (accidentally), so had DS 7 at 45. Trouble free pregnancies, although I did end up having c-sections.

My other children were aged from 26 to 7 when I has DS 6.

I think I'm a better mom to the two youngest, more life experience, more patience, more confidence with teachers etc - but less energy.

I know it's a cliche, but the youngest really was a blessing.

Ivegotthree · 13/02/2015 20:39

Witch did you get out of bed the wrong side?

Honestly!

OP massive congratulations. My children are not yet into double figures but I rather envy you! I think it's wonderful news.

x

sandgrown · 13/02/2015 20:55

I think the running did it. I was still playing netball when I got pregnant at 45. My DS is over 20 years younger than his siblings but they love him and are like another set of parents. Pregnancy was fine but I did opt for amnio. You may be a bit more tired this younger mums but have experience to help you. Congratulations and enjoy your little one

drspouse · 13/02/2015 20:56

We adopted our DCs but they were placed relatively young as babies, and DS is 44 years younger than me, DD 47, I will also have a 2 year old at my 50th.

They are our first so I don't know what it's like to have babies young! DH says like Alec Baldwin it's harder to get up off the floor. I think I survive better on less sleep than I used to. And I was losing my memory anyway.

notsoold · 13/02/2015 21:40

I had ds3 I was 42 and my oldest was 18. We had so much fun and still do that we are trying dc4 at the age of 44....
He has given us so much joy and dcs love to play with him...
Good luck

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