Please help me - those who had babies at 45

[totallystunned]

AIBU to be terrified and feel such a bloody fool.. Found out this morning I'm pregnant. I'm 45. I have two sons of 16 and 12. Same marriage/dad as this one. I haven't told him yet.

Please can someone calm me down?

This is very very unexpected and it will just change everything.

With respect I'd like to hear from those who've had babies mid to late 40s not 39/40 as there is a massive difference medically, physically and mentally between 40 and 45.

I've namechanged.

Congratulations.

I had my DC5 when I was almost 44. My youngest at the time was 15 and my eldest 21.

As a PP said, it was the financial side that hit us most. We couldn't downsize as we already had teens; I was working FT and the nursery fees of £800 a month nearly finished us off. Then I had to go PT when DC5 started school. All my peers are going off on nights out and nice holidays, and we are reliant on babysitters.

Having said that it is so refreshing to start again. It's like having the first one all over again but with the confidence that you've done it all before

Congratulations! I'm 43 and have a snuffly 4 day old little one next to me. Totally healthy, absolutely gorgeous. An unexpected pregnancy and I'm still taking it in. Had started running 12 weeks before conceiving, same thing happened 5 years ago with my dd...am convinced it was getting fit that did it!
Good luck

Interesting that a couple of you have said you think getting fit is what lead to pregnancy! I have been doing more exercise than I have for years and really enjoying it. Running up to 10km three times a week - I know not amazing by other people's standards but pretty good by mine!

lotsofcheese - I'm pretty sure I am six weeks so very early. I do realise anything could happen.

Runnyhunny - I'm sorry, talk about a roller coaster of emotions, I imagine it was a very tough time.

Pacificdogwood - thanks for the link. Re maternity package, I get the statutory amount (I am based in UK yes - London) but no extra from my company.

I hadn't even thought about the fact that we have to go back to the beginning re babysitting etc! I don't know why. We are at the stage where we can go out for a drink or dinner locally and leave our two as they are 16 and 12. Though I guess they will be bribed to babysit here and there!

God it's so hard, I am lurching from one thought and feeling to another. Hence me being up at 4am it all going round my head...From 'of course we'll just go for it and see what happens, we are a family' to 'there are so many risk and so many practical problems and stresses it wouldn't be fair on any of us'.

My DDs best friend is 5 and his mum is 50 this year. She hasn't got any other kids but her DP has two kids in their 30s with kids of their own. He's a much-loved, very intelligent and mature little boy, who is close to his nephews (he sees them as cousins, and both are slightly older than him!), but he also interacts very well with adults. His mum and dad met while working in some high-powered industry or other, but now she is a stay at home mum, and loves it. She freely admits that she never expected to have kids, her career always came first, but now she wouldn't change for anything.
I think she's found it tough in terms of getting tired easily, and she sometimes has to ask her DSC about certain things her son is into because things like Nintendo and Moshi Monsters meant nothing to her until recently, but other than that, he's no different to other kids with younger parents. I can see why you'd be shocked, but you'll be fine! Congratulations!

Both DC were born when I was in my 40s. Tiring yes, but having teenagers around forces you to stay fitter, and indeed younger.

Some recent research suggests having children in your 40s means you are four time more likely to live to 100, and because other risk factors (drink, drugs, low education) tend to be lower, once genetic factors are ruled out you become lower risk than other age groups.

In London you will be far from unusual. You have the experience in place so this is the child you can enjoy.

The biggest disadvantage is the scope for later finding yourself sandwiched between children and the needs of elderly parents. But to be honest a home with teenagers provides a welcome relief.

So congratulations. A huge change but potentially something very special.

There was a 50 year old in my NCT class - her DD was in her 20s and this was a planned pg with a new partner (who then left her when the baby was born, the charmer). She is an amazing mother and has a beautiful, funny 4 year old.

I wish you the best with making your decision. I had a very unexpected fourth pregnancy and was very unhappy about it, but after counselling I realised what a blessing it was - he's now a very bouncy gorgeous 4 year old and I wouldn't be without him for the world.

Going off topic but we were not TTC when we has ds 1. I now always think he was simply meant to be and he found a way to be. I spent the entire pregnancy wondering when I would feel remotely maternal. Then I had him and I think I was the happiest person on the planet. I cried that night for hours on end thanking god (I am in no way religious). Perhaps this one was meant to be.

There's something I really hate able it the way GPs come onto threads and announce their superiority.

Wind your neck in Witch. Go be a GP At work.

Congratulations op, it'll take time to sink in!

Oh and Clumsyninja - YY to ignoring symptoms! I thought I had a mild bug and/or was peri menopausal. My symptoms, I kid you not, are:

Constant nausea
Sore breasts
Exhaustion
Dry mouth/raging thirst
Frequent pee-ing
Waking in the night

I mean you think I might have guessed!

Summerhouse - wonderful post

I was 42 when I had ds, my other dc's were 22, 20 & 5. I also had a dgd and two more grandchildren on the way!

My pregnancy wasn't the easiest as I had spd pretty badly, but that's due to the fact that I'm hyper mobile. Ds was absolutely perfect although big at 10lbs! Ironically my dgs has DS. He's 6mths younger than my son and it was undiagnosed. My dil and son were 21. He's an absolute pleasure.

I'm really conscious now of making sure I'm fit and healthy. I'm the fittest I've ever been to be honest, and I intend to stay that way!

One of the mums' locally was in a similar position although she must have been 44 when she had him. Her DS is great and she obviously loves him but has said a couple of times that she's not sure it was the best thing for their family.
She'd been a SAHM when her first two were younger which she couldn't afford to do this time and I know she feels torn by this and, as all working mothers do, has struggled at times with juggling childcare and work.
Her DS was born a couple of months before her eldest DS did GCSEs and she thinks that he may have got better grades if she'd been able to give more support and he hadn't been woken up so much by a crying baby... Although also says it was quite handy to be on mat leave whilst he was doing his exams. That DS went to uni at the same time as the baby began to climb out of his cot so they had a bedroom re-jig and the the baby was given what had always been eldest DS' room and student DS was given the box room, something which didn't go down very well.
She feels that they May have had fewer family days out & holidays as, once DS3 was past about 12mths and less portable, it was harder to find things to do...but she also admits that she isn't sure how many of her eldest son's friends were doing things with their family.
DS2 should be off to uni this autumn and I know that she is finding it a bit odd that most of her friends will be suffering from empty nest syndrome and a lot of them are making plans accordingly but she will have a 5yo at home.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/pregnant-again-at-48

Congratulations, totallystunned. I thought you would be interested to read these Dr Luisa Dillner columns in the Guardian from a couple of years ago - she found herself unexpectedly pregnant at 47 and went on to have a beautiful healthy baby girl.

dancingwitch, your post could relate to any family with any age group of kids

my ds2 moans that ds1 has the bigger room, which he has, but ds2 had a bigger room before that

ds1 hardly does anything with us as a family anymore as he feels he's getting too old now! so we hardly have a family day out anymore

really, everything that other mum described fits a lot of families where the kids are growing up!

I was a late baby, siblings not much younger than yours when I was born op

out of us all I was the closest to my parents, I really loved them and mum always said I kept them young

Glad I found this thread as the same thing just has happened to me . Thought it was menopause but no I'm pregnant and 45.... I have a large family and with my age I do feel some type of way but I have a desicion to make ... I've seen so many post of 45 and over having babies and everything turned out just fine and these stories have helped me alot . If it's ment to be and all that . Good luck

@Charzz please start your own new thread. THIS POST WAS IN 2015!

Quite shouty !!!! Never knew I couldn't respond to a post even though it was 2015. I will delete

My brother is 49 soon and has a 1.5yr old child with his second wife, and 21 and 29yr old adult children with his first. I’ll say he loves his son, he really does of course, but it wouldn’t have been his choice to have a child this late in life, but he fell in love with someone who didn’t have any children when his first wife left him. She’s 5yrs younger but they are both exhausted. I’m 46 and my youngest is 15, oldest 30, I just couldn’t go through with it. Not least the risk of disability having a child at that age but the impact on my life and that of the existing children. You don’t realise how much more energy you have when you have children when you’re in your 20’s and 30’s than your 40’s and 50’s. But ultimately your decision and I wish you all the best.

Edited to add my mum hated having an older mum, her mum was 44 when she had her. She often brings it up, how she didn’t like having a mum much older than her friends (sure it’s more common these days though than back in the 50’s when women tended to have kids young)

Just realised ZOMBIE THREAD