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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help me - those who had babies at 45

95 replies

totallystunned · 13/02/2015 10:45

AIBU to be terrified and feel such a bloody fool.. Found out this morning I'm pregnant. I'm 45. I have two sons of 16 and 12. Same marriage/dad as this one. I haven't told him yet.

Please can someone calm me down?

This is very very unexpected and it will just change everything.

With respect I'd like to hear from those who've had babies mid to late 40s not 39/40 as there is a massive difference medically, physically and mentally between 40 and 45.

I've namechanged.

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 11:36

Oh perfectly normal pregnancy and birth by the way.

I thought my MW was going to fall off her chair when i walked in for my first appt. with her. But she didn't turn a hair. I was not the oldest on her books by about 5 years, or by far the only forty-something she was seeing, and she said she had seen a massive surge of women having their first or second family in their 40s in the last decade, and it was not big news anymore :)

Joulea · 13/02/2015 11:37

My friend had a planned baby at 48 She took a two year old to her 50th! She is easily one of the best, most energetic mothers I have ever met. And she had the baby against her husbands wishes. Extra stress.....

Notrevealingmyidentity · 13/02/2015 11:37

My mum had me - her first at 43 in the 80's when it was much more unusual.

I'm fine and so was she.

Joulea · 13/02/2015 11:39

Witch - couldn't you have waited?! OP hasn't got her head around being pg at all yet, never mind deciding about genetic testing!!

PacificDogwood · 13/02/2015 11:44

There is no denying biology and some risks rise with maternal age - I am sure totallystunned is aware of this.

I was given a 1:18 risk for Down's and carry a genetic problem that gives me a 1:4 risk for other trisomies. We opted to have invasive testing for each of my successful pregnancies.
These are consideration to be made once totallystunned has got her head round the situation and has arrived at a decision how to proceed.

I am a GP too btw.

londonrach · 13/02/2015 11:44

Witch...wrong timing. Op will be carefully monitored. At the moment shes in shock and needs support. Thats whats she asked for not what youve written about. Im shocked as a gp you didnt understand her needs at the moment!

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 11:46

On the increased genetic risk front. In a nut shell my take on it is:

Pregnant women of every age have to ask themselves the question 'what would i do if i found out my baby had a problem'. Women of any age can find they and their baby are the unlucky ones. Worrying is one of the biggest parts of pregnancy, as the OP will know already, it's not confined to one age group.

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 11:49

And yes! Give yourself a bit of breathing space OP definitely. Relax! One thing at a time

londonrach · 13/02/2015 11:49

Agree fluffy my friend when age 17 had a boy with brain damage, age 38 she had another boy with no problems. Both are loved and very much wanted and only posting to show age isnt the only reason. Congratulations op xxxx

x2boys · 13/02/2015 11:57

Just to.put another spin on the genetic thing my son does have a rare chromosome disorder and yes he does have disabilities my point is that chromosome disorders can happen at any age someone I know had her daughter with a chromosome disorder at 19 age isn't always a factor I was 35 good luck op I hope everything goes well.

Immovableobject · 13/02/2015 12:08

Congratulations from another older mum here - had mine at 42 and 45, both ok. My mum had my brother at 46 so we obviously make a habit of it... yes of course there are more risks and you will be offered more screening tests, which can be very worrying, but frankly I don't stand out at the school gate and no one's ever mistaken me for their gran . Relax and enjoy!

Eva50 · 13/02/2015 12:10

I had ds3 at 42 with an 11 and 9 year age gap. It was the easiest of my three pregnancies and I had a 3rd c/s with no problems. I found the baby stage easy (I had to go back to work when ds1 & ds2 were 14 weeks and had 9 months off with ds3 - bliss!) The older boys are good with him. I have a lot more patience and spend a lot of time with him. He is doing very well at school, plays piano beautifully and is about to start another instrument which his brothers help him with.

The downside - I now have a few health issues and don't have the energy I had so tend to do less energetic things with him but his brothers take him out a fair bit and I can do swimming or the park. I do worry about anything happening to me whilst he is so young but the chances of that at 50 are probably only slightly greater than at 40.

StripeyCustard · 13/02/2015 12:14

I'm going to be blunt too. Congratulations and but I think there is a biggish chance of the pregnancy not reaching full term isn't there? I was pregnant at about 44 and the chances of the baby making 12 weeks and beyond were small (it didn't). I can't remember the stats but I think they were less than 50:50. Look at the stats and I really hope you get the outcome you want.

codandchipstwice · 13/02/2015 12:16

Both my mum's (birth and step) had babies at 44 - no probs other than awkward position for amnio and thus had only 5 days between results and cut off for termination - thankfully all was fine . . .

chocciechip · 13/02/2015 12:17

OP - I currently have DS sleeping on my chest snuffling baby breathe on my neck. He is 3mo and I'll be 44 in April. He was 'kinda planned' in that we gave it a go but never ever thought we'd conceive. (It took me two years to conceive DD who was born when I was 40). First time we tried I got a positive result and immediately went into shock and had fears and worries about impact of a child with problems (Downs etc) on our DD.

We considered having the Harmony test done because it can give you a very early and definitive result for the tests the NHS will offer later, but we decided not to feeling we'd probably not want to terminate anyway. (It's very expensive but carries no risk to you or fetus - www.fetalmedicine.com/harmony-test).

My NHS tests came back giving me the same level of risk as a 20 year old.

I had SPD in my first PG and again in my second. But that's not age related. I found it worse in the first PG. However I did end up crippled with a bad back, probably because I moved house and carried heavy boxes when I was 7m PG with SPD!! Because of my anxiety and pain and the impact my bad back had on doing things with DD, I found it very difficult to bond with DS while PG and wondered right up until I went into hospital if I'd made mistake.

I was induced, at full term, because of severe back pain and DS was born in 2.5hours with no issues to me or him (DD was induced because I had a fibroid that they thought was impacting on her growth, and she ended up being an emergency forceps delivery. The same fibroid did not grow at a with DS.)

I fell in love instantly. We adore him and feel so bloody lucky to have had him at our ages. DH gazes at him with such love (which he didn't do with DD at the same age). He says it's because he knows what's coming and he has less fears, he feels freer to just love him in the same way we now do DD at her older age.

I envy you your older children who will most likely be besotted and willing to occasionally hold him for you while you nap, or get some laundry or cooking done. And you have baby sitters lined up With DD at 3yo I am really in the thick of it (as a mother at any age would be) but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I kept asking midwives if I was 'really old' and they kept telling me stories of women much older. The person who had delivered before me was 47. If anything, I had less fear and scare stories about my age from medical staff the second time than I did the first - maybe because he was my second and they knew my body would know what to do, which certainly seemed to be the case.

I recommend you and your DH save every jot of leave to spend time with your baby when it first comes, over and above maternity and paternity. DH had about two months at home with us all and it made such a difference.

Good luck.

PacificDogwood · 13/02/2015 12:18

StripeyCustard, the numbers you quoted are incorrect.

Sorry about your loss.
Fwiw, I had my 4 MCs before my successful pregnancies when I was of course younger.

Pregnancy is a bit of a lottery at any age IMO and IME.

CalleighDoodle · 13/02/2015 12:24

Congratulations! My aunt had two children (her only dc) in her 40s. My uncle was late 50s with a nearly late 20s son.

chocciechip · 13/02/2015 12:24

I had 3 MCs before DD was born when I was 40, and none in between her and DS (born at 43).

FreiasBathtub · 13/02/2015 12:30

Congrats totallystunned! Not been in your situation but have you read Luisa Dilner's column in the Guardian - a new mum again at 48? On my phone so can't link but it's the first hit on Google. It's finished now but she wrote for about a year on having a surprise last baby with older kids, I found it really enjoyable and informative and pretty positive as well. And she's a GP too, I believe.

mrsmootoo · 13/02/2015 12:47

I had DS at nearly 44. He's now 9 and DD1 and DD2 are 17 and 15. It was a lovely third chance. We had been trying and I'd had several miscarriages. Bearing in mind what GP WitchWay says I also had a chorionic villus sampling test. I couldn't see the point of the uncertainty of the nuchal scan as they only give you odds. The CVS is earlier than an amnio, so better depending on what you want to do with the result. It's a big needle through your stomach into the placenta, so carries some risk of course - I researched a good practitioner. I went alone (DH too squeamish!) Very reassuring to have a 'good' result of course. Yes, it does mess up holidays, size of cars, family outings etc, but none of us would have it any other way now. DD1 and DD2 had been very keen for a sister, so that was another reason for the test! Your sons are old enough to be more sensible about that probably! Not sure about keeping me young! - definitely an older mother in the playground - that might bother some people.

Original poster

totallystunned · 13/02/2015 13:20

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughtful responses .

Thank you also for all the practical advice - believe or not I'd not even heard of the CVS test. And for honest and pointing out the heightened risks at my age. And yes I realise I could quite likely miscarry anyway.

Great advice re exercising and not getting too big.

I am still in shock but you know what every time someone has written 'congratualations' I have had a tiny thrill! It didn't occurr to me to feel this was good news! Sorry if that offends, I know many women would love to be in my position.

My main fears are:

Finances - I'm a lawyer so we're not poor but honestly not rich. My dh earns a very small wage. I have no maternity package at work. We'd also have to move house.

Health of baby

Strain on my marriage (we're happy enough but with both my sons things were difficult at times mainly as he's shit at getting up in the night!)

My body (SOOOOOO shallow!)

OP posts:

Original poster

totallystunned · 13/02/2015 13:21

My god that post was barely literate sorry! Blaming the shock!

OP posts:

facedontfit · 13/02/2015 13:58

Congratulations

Pukkapik · 13/02/2015 14:12

I had my 4thDC in my mid forties and as a baby and growing boy he's been the easiest of the lot. Can't even remember a sleepless night! (Or else a selective memory!) The other DC all adored him and helped. He has had such fun with them growing up.

Older mothers are much much more common nowadays.

I appreciate everyone's circumstances and priorities are different, but when/if pregnancy tests show no abnormalities etc and this is something you want to go ahead with, it can be truly wonderful!

PacificDogwood · 13/02/2015 14:15