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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like putting flowers on my parents' grave?

47 replies

mytartanscarf · 13/02/2015 09:20

My parents are both dead (obviously) and I hate putting flowers on their graves. I don't even know why; it doesn't upset me as such, it's more that it feels totally meaningless.

Is there something really wrong with this? It's approaching a bunch of anniversaries (mothers day, then my mum died in April, then dads birthday in May, then Father's Day in June, then mums birthday July then mum died August and they married in September.)

I always feel I should mark these anniversaries but don't like it - Aibu to NOT put flowers down? I think I am ...

OP posts:
crumpet · 13/02/2015 09:23

YANBU. How those who have passed away are remembered is up to those who are left behind. Some may choose to do so by leaving flowers, others by quiet reflection, yet others by having Masses said. It is up to the individual to decide how they wish to do so, and you are right to choose your own way.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 13/02/2015 09:24

I don't think you are.

Putting the flowers is for the benefit of the living, not the dead. If it does not bring you comfort - there is no point to it.

When you want to remember your parents, if you want to mark anniversaries because you don't have to do that either - do something that is meaningful to you. Not flowers because you somehow feel flowers is what you are 'supposed' to do.

You don't remember people more because you buy some flowers on set days. If you do it because doing it brings you comfort then fantastic, that's a great reason. The best reason. Otherwise, yes, it's meaningless.

frasersmummy · 13/02/2015 09:25

yanbu at all.. you don't need to visit a cemetery to remember

Its not everyones things... some people like me find comfort in going and keeping mums and ds's gardens nice .. other people like my dh find it upsetting

You do what is right for you ..mum and dad know you love them and you don't need to go to the cemetery to prove it to them or anyone else

There are no right and wrong things to do when a loved one passes on

sending you hugs

allypally999 · 13/02/2015 09:26

YANBU - we are different in how we remember our dearly departed. If it feels wrong don't do it. Maybe spend a few minutes doing something they liked? I raise a glass of something expensive to my sister on her birthday but only left flowers once as I too felt a bit silly. Maybe leave M Day and F Day cards? Whatever feels good for you Flowers

BrianButterfield · 13/02/2015 09:27

DH's mum died when he was a child. His DSis makes a big deal about putting flowers on her grave and how DH doesn't do it and it's all up to her, and she has to buy them...but we don't live near the cemetery and DH doesn't much like to go there. It doesn't mean he doesn't care but to him the whole flower thing is for show and a way for DSis to feel like she cares the most.

QueQuesto · 13/02/2015 09:27

YANBU if it doesn't bring you comfort to put flowers there then it's not necessary. You can remember your parents and their anniversaries without visiting the grave if that's what you would rather do. I've lost 2 family members in the last few years, I don't visit the graves, they are not there, I prefer to remember them in other ways, there's no right or wrong in how to grieve, do what feels right for you.

NeedABumChange · 13/02/2015 09:28

It's a it odd as cut flowers are essentially dying. So I think it's weird to put them on graves and then they looks awful when the flowers are really dead.

Mehitabel6 · 13/02/2015 09:29

I find it all meaningless. Just remember in your own way.
You could plant some bulbs to come up at different times of year.
I am just going to have my ashes scattered for that very reason.

drudgetrudy · 13/02/2015 09:29

YANBU-regarding remembering the deceased everyone is different and has to do what is right for them-right through from arranging a funeral to remembering later.
Some people get comfort from things that feel meaningless or even upsetting to others.

iwantgin · 13/02/2015 09:30

YANUB OP.

it is up to you to remember them how you see fit.

stitch10yearson · 13/02/2015 09:30

I won't even go to my fathers grave as it is meaningless to me. His soul has passed away and is now in heaven, and in my heart and memories. When my kids talk about him, that is where he is. Not the piece of ground the buried his physical remains in.
I have gone there with mom because she likes to go there and sit for a while, but its just the act of a daughter respecting her mom, and nothing to do with my feelings for my father. if that makes sense. So, no. you are not being unreasonable

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 13/02/2015 09:36

There's a chap in the village that looks after a few unattended graves in our local church yard. He plants different flowering bulbs that come up throughout the seasons. It looks lovely. The snow drops are coming up at the moment - makes me ponder, life out of the winter ground and all that.

Plastic wrapped flowers (to me) look a little sad. They wither so quickly.

No-one should make you feel bad for remembering your loved ones the way you want to remember them.

knackered69 · 13/02/2015 09:38

YANBU at all!

Some people don't find it meaningful and get no comfort from it - and it is entirely up to you to find your own way of remembering them.

My Dad died 20 years ago and then a couple of months ago my mum died too.

I live 200 miles away from their grave so for me, when I go to visit, I do find it a comfort to leave flowers - almost as a marker that despite being far away I have been... For me, it has been difficult to get my head around the fact that I am never going to see my mum again, because I live away and don't have the cues and reminders that bring it home. So going to leave flowers makes it more real and has helped me begin to deal with it.

At the end of the day tartan your parents are there with you inside your heart and mind - in the experiences you have had, and the love they gave you -that's what counts.

GingerLDN · 13/02/2015 09:54

I buy a really nice bunch at anniversaries and have them in my lounge. We all do that in my family. It's nice to have them to look at and take some joy from at a rotten time and whenever you see them it's nice to remember

Original poster
mytartanscarf · 13/02/2015 09:55

Ah thanks. I do worry their friends will go and mutter about how neither of the children care enough to mark their birthdays !

OP posts:
EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 13/02/2015 09:58

YANBU. My father died 28 years ago. I only found out 3 years ago where his ashes were. He's not there. He's with me, he's in the places we had special times together, he's in my thoughts and heart. He'd have been a bit nonplussed at the thought I might go and leave flowers there.

(I only found out where his ashes were when my brother mentioned wandering around thinking of him while waiting for my grandmother's funeral... don't know where her ashes are either. She's not there...)

Mrsjayy · 13/02/2015 10:01

Yanbu you do what you want my husband hasn't visited his mums grave since het ashes were placed in her parents grave it isn't something he feels he needs to do. There is nothing wrong with you

treaclesoda · 13/02/2015 10:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. My parents (now elderly) were never ones for visiting my grandparents graves (I didnt even known where in the cemetary they were buried until I was in my 30s, even though they had died when I was a child) but that doesn't mean that they don't care. They just don't find any comfort in it I suppose, and prefer to remember them in their own way.

Other people find comfort in it and that's fine too.

Mrsjayy · 13/02/2015 10:04

I don't visit graves either I went to a friends once the year after she died I lay flowers but I didn't feel anything I haven't been back

specialsubject · 13/02/2015 10:08

as everyone says, there are absolutely no rules on how you remember people.

one suggestion which may or may not help - have you thought of creating a virtual memorial on findagrave or similar? You can write up a short biography of your parents and add photos if you like.

just an idea. I've done this for quite a few long-deceased relatives, I have visited the graves but will only do so once.

Mrsjayy · 13/02/2015 10:09

Mum doesn't go either to her mums my parents get wreaths every Christmas but my step dad takes them and puts them on various graves people take comfort In laying flowers but it is ok not to and tbh it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

MauriceTheCat · 13/02/2015 10:10

My parents died whilst I was a teen. The only time I have put flowers on their graves was part of my wedding bouquet.

We have a couple of rose bushes I keep trimmed and I donate to their favourite charity each year on their wedding anniversary

shovetheholly · 13/02/2015 10:37

YADNBU. Everyone grieves differently. Find a way that means something special to you.

UnalignedAnt · 13/02/2015 11:11

YANBU.

I hate cemetary visits and the accompanied potching with flowers and wiping the headstone and all that. Think it stems from having to accompany parents on regular visits to the cemetary (mother's family died in quick succession when I was young) and the anxiety and helplessness I felt watching my mother break down at the graveside.

When I die I want my ashes scattered. Less stress for those left behind.

magrate · 13/02/2015 11:17

Yanbu I never visit graves on anniversarys either. It was just their physical body not them, DM has got very upset with me over this.

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