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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like putting flowers on my parents' grave?

47 replies

mytartanscarf · 13/02/2015 09:20

My parents are both dead (obviously) and I hate putting flowers on their graves. I don't even know why; it doesn't upset me as such, it's more that it feels totally meaningless.

Is there something really wrong with this? It's approaching a bunch of anniversaries (mothers day, then my mum died in April, then dads birthday in May, then Father's Day in June, then mums birthday July then mum died August and they married in September.)

I always feel I should mark these anniversaries but don't like it - Aibu to NOT put flowers down? I think I am ...

OP posts:

Trickydecision · 13/02/2015 11:24

My parents did not put flowers on graves, nor do I; my parents' ashes are buried in our home town, many miles from where we live. I am going to be cremated and my ashes scattered, anywhere that suits the scatterers, ideally into a river. I do not want there to be a place where DCs etc feel guilty about not visiting. I hope I will live on in their hearts.

chocoluvva · 13/02/2015 11:57

Cut flowers make me feel guilty for the waste of resources spent on growing them.....

I can only go to my parent's grave once a year and this year I am hoping to find a nice (small) stone (not a headstone) to set in front of the headstone as she loved stones.

dreamingofblueskies · 13/02/2015 12:02

I don't want a stone at all when I die for this very reason. I don't want my loved ones to feel like they have to make a pilgrimage to my stone on anniversaries. At Christmas I would much rather they remember me in a nice warm house instead of by a cold gravestone.
I'm getting sprinkled in New York when I go.

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 12:07

Maybe plant some little bulbs or small wild flowers OP, snow drops, primroses etc, so that you know there'll be a few flowers at different times of the year. No need to maintain them.

YANBU though. I have the same thing with my dear fathers urn burial site. He passed 7 years ago. My mum feels sad that i don't still go every b.day and xmas. It's so hard. If i go i go for her sake, but i havn't gon for a couple of years now. I loved my dad, i have him in my heart. I don't need to visit a patch of grass to think of him.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 13/02/2015 12:09

I want to thank you for this post. I was very close to and loved my grandfather very very much and think about him every single day. However going to his grave and leaving flowers does absolutely nothing for me. It brings me no source of comfort. He isnt there at all.

Flossyfloof · 13/02/2015 12:10

My parents always wanted to be cremated so that the other one wasn't tied to a place.
Don't lay flowers if you don't want to. I am sure you don't need to do this to the of them, so just think of them.
Oh dear, set myself off now!

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 12:11

YANBU your feelings are fine, and I agree with you totally.
Putting flowers by a piece of stone would seem meaningless to me too.

kitchentableagain · 13/02/2015 12:15

YANBU

We cremated mum and threw her ashes off the side of a mountain (at her request).

Leaving flowers is supposed to be a ritual of remembering that makes you feel close to the deceased. If it doesn't do that for you it's a complete waste of time.

If you're concerned about the "look" of the graves you can get very nice artificial flowers that would last a year or two, or you could plant a selection of bulbs that would be flowering much of the year.

But you already lost them and went through enough, don't put yourself through anything else unnecessarily.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 13/02/2015 12:15

No.

I think when someone is dead that's it. I don't even see the point of people being sad at a funeral. I'm sad when someone someone I love has died but not more so at some event than at other times.

I only go to support my family or friends.
I would prefer my life to be celebrated than my death mourned.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 13/02/2015 12:17

Btw I realise funerals being closure for a lot of people. They just don't for me personally.

spidey66 · 13/02/2015 12:19

My parents are buried in Ireland, and I'm in London. (My dad was from Ireland, my mum was London Irish, my parents were living over there when my dad died but she came back to London after but wanted to be buried with him,) I rarely go there-will be next week as it's 20 years since my dad died. I don't need to go their grave to remember them, they're with me all the time.

Truckingalong · 13/02/2015 12:33

My mum just died. I can't think of a time when I will take flowers. I might change my mind at some point but I doubt it. She's gone. Flowers are for the living.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 12:37

have a hug trucking.
My mum died 20 years ago and I have never done the flowers ting.
I think she is in a flowerbed somehwre

chocoluvva · 13/02/2015 12:38

My condolences Trucking. I hope you're okay.

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 13/02/2015 12:38

Thanks for such lovely responses.

My dad had a partner (we did not get on!!) and I hate the thought of her telling people that I never bother ... But he is buried with my mum anyway so to her.

OP posts:

Honeybear30 · 13/02/2015 12:44

You've had some great responses on here and I totally agree, yanbu.

If you want to do something maybe buy some flowers to have at home? That way you get to enjoy them in your own space and remember privately.

CarlaVeloso · 13/02/2015 12:49

My parents always wanted to be cremated so that the other one wasn't tied to a place.

Yes, I agree with the thinking behind this. I think it's especially hard when families have large plots - the pressure to return a loved-one to the family grave (esp thinking of my Irish relatives here) even if they AND you (who will be expected to visit) live far from it!

Scattering ashes can be very cathartic.

chocoluvva · 13/02/2015 13:12

I know what you mean about people thinking you aren't bothering...

But really, stuff 'em. Their opinion doesn't matter - as you know.

2rebecca · 13/02/2015 13:20

We scattered my mum's ashes so don't have a grave. i haven't been back since we scattered the ashes. I can think about my mum anywhere. I prefer to think of her alive than dwell on her death. My mum always felt flowers were for the living not the dead anyway. She'd rather I bought my dad a bunch.

Summerisle1 · 13/02/2015 13:23

Nobody can take your memories away and nobody has the right to intrude on how you choose to remember your parents.

My dm always said that she'd haunt me if I even allowed flowers at her funeral, let alone be responsible for cutting living flowers as a means of remembrance. She died back in Ireland but wanted her ashes scattered from the top of her beloved South Downs in Sussex. That way, she said, her soul would soar free.

Obviously if leaving flowers is a comfort then that's exactly what should happen. But equally, there's no reason at all that this should be necessary let alone something that people are made to feel guilty about not doing.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 13/02/2015 13:26

Everyone's different. My father is buried a few minutes from where I live and I visit the grave every Sunday. I like feeling that he's still a part of my weekend, even if he's no longer physically around. My mother always has lovely pots of flowers on the grave and I like that as well.

But I know other people who rarely visit family graves. It doesn't mean they feel their loss any the less. And I think of my dad all the time, so if I couldn't visit his grave it wouldn't mean I no longer gave him much thought.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2015 13:32

No. You should feel bad about this. Everyone grieves in a different way. I hate visiting graves so just don't now. Because I've decided this. It doesn't stop me thinking about the person and missing them but I don't visit the grave. If you get no comfort from it and if it upsets you just don't. And never mind what other people think.

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