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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU toner a bit pissed off about this?

127 replies

MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 09:31

To make this short...DH keeps pushing me to apply for a job that would involve working evenings and weekends ( both of which he refuses to do himself BTW).
I work from home ATM which leaves me available for the DCs at all times such as school holidays, inset days, sicknesses etc.
It will never make me a millionaire but it makes about £600 per month which covers all food, petrol, clothes and toys etc (DH never even bought a pair is socks for them).
This job would also mean leaving the DCs with him every evening and asking my mum to look after them at the weekend, which I'm not happy about either.
He seems to think that unless you actually work outside the home then it's not real work.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 14:01

I imagine he thinks the money will go towards the bills. Fair enough, if it were an amount that would make a difference but it wouldn't after paying childcare at the weekend would it?

OP posts:
bettyboop1970 · 12/02/2015 14:11

What would his response to you be if you just refused?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/02/2015 14:13

So if you put money towards bills will he work less so he can play more golf? Or put more money into his own savings pot? Or use it to buy more golf equipment?

I bet you and the children wouldn't see a penny of it.

YellowTulips · 12/02/2015 14:18

I'm assuming that if you earn more you will contribute to the mortgage.

He will then have to pay less, thus work less and play golf more.

He sounds like a selfish git.

There is no sense of improvement of the situation for you as a family - it's all about him.

I'd ask him how much golf he will be able to afford if he's paying maintenance plus rent on somewhere new to live...

malloo · 12/02/2015 14:20

Is your name on the mortgage OP?

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 14:23

Your view on leaving is very common OP. But it is inaccurate. You cannot sacrifice your own life and happiness for the DCs. They will notice the imbalance.

I know a family where the husbands lack of respect for his wife has filtered down to the DCs and they all treat her like shit. They have a yours and mine financial set up that has seen her worse off for the last 16 years while she raised the DCs and he swanned off to the gym and drank his money away. When she recently got a full time job, the reality of what she had been doing for HIM all those years finally became apparent, but it didn't change anything, he still treats her like shit.

ptumbi · 12/02/2015 14:47

So... you stay 'for the children' - and the minute they leave, you splitup? What does that say to them? You were putting up with this shit for them. They will probably feel guilty for the rest of their lives. And you are teaching them that you don't count.

Re the work - I'd tell him to piss off ; you have a job, 2jobs in fact, and one of them doesnt include doing his washing, cleaning, picking up any more!

ptumbi · 12/02/2015 14:48

AND btw - if you see a solicitor, I bet they would tell you that you would be entitled to stay in the marital home until the youngest is 18. HE would have to leave.
(and work a bit harder to pay rent on a flat)

Naicecuppatea · 12/02/2015 14:50

And you are with him....why? He works less hours than you, he can't be trusted to look after his own children properly, and he doesn't lift a finger around the house.

CornChips · 12/02/2015 14:52

Yes, good idea to see a solicitor or CAB. As far as I know, it is irrelevant if you are not on the mortgage, you still have an interest in the matrimonial home and rights over it. But it would be best to talk to someone who knows.

ithoughtofitfirst · 12/02/2015 14:53

I dunno OP... My dh wants me to work less. Or to be able to facilitate me working less. So I have more time for myself. I'd run a mile if he wanted me to work more

wewishyou · 12/02/2015 14:53

Op, I feel so sad for you, you seem so lovely.

TBH I think he was a selfish disrespectful cunt since day one, he just found someone with self esteem issues to accept it.

You stay with him for you children? Well let me tell you, my parents stay married for more than 30 years until one of them died. It was a miserable, sad marriage and I had a really unhappy childhood. My father disrepected my mother and I grew up hating him. It messed up so much, that I had a messed up loved life. Your son might grow up to become abusers. And your daughter might end up with issues with men. I used to beg mt mother to leave and to that day I still regret that she didn't. A tiny apparent with a not emotionally abused mother would have been better. A lot better.

can you discreetly look for advices on your rights in case of a divorce and how to protect yourself the best?
can you go to your mother's place for some weeks?

You can work on your self esteem but he will probably never respect. You

you think that you have to stay for your children but please think about your options. For your children

mickeysminnie · 12/02/2015 15:44

Make it very clear to him that if you get another job he is responsible for childcare while you are at work. So if he wants to golf he will have to find a babysitter and pay them from his money. You use any extra income to build up your savings to the same height as his. And when you both have equal savings you can discuss redistributing ALL wages!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2015 15:45

So the extra would go to bills, so he would work less and still do nothing for the house or children. You working extra just funds him laziness and entitlement.

Get some advice. Legal advice. Find out if you can stay in the house with the children and do it. This is no example to your kids.

justbatteringon · 12/02/2015 16:13

If my partner had 20 grand in the bank, making a very good wage on 30 hours a week and then wanted me to go out and work for pittance compared to him while he swanned about playing bloody golf!
While I did all the housework and childcare no way in hell.
Speak to a solicitor call CAB, get all the financial info you can and kick him out.

deepbluesomething · 12/02/2015 16:38

it's ltb from me. You will be so much better off.

Dropdeadfred2 · 12/02/2015 17:08

would he be prepared to sit down and go through a household budget with you? that way you can demonstrate exactly how much money you bring in and where it goes.

( to be honest though I'd be telling him where to go - he sounds a complete selfish twat)

CoupdeFoudre · 12/02/2015 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/02/2015 20:02

OP, I'm so sorry you're married to a twat. I really would suggest that you discreetly find out what your rights are in this situation.

SocialMediaAddict · 12/02/2015 20:47

He's awful.

TwitterWooooo · 12/02/2015 21:52

Could you tell him you already work evenings and weekends and are therefore unable to take an additional job due the impossible mission of being in two places at once. And no, mother doesn't wish to give up her weekends to babysitting. Why doesn't he work more hours?? 30 hours, 4 days, 2 children = more work imho.

TwitterWooooo · 12/02/2015 21:54

Just unfuckingbelieveable. Who does this, when married, and is a parent. Wankers, I think.

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2015 22:00

Please go and get some proper legal advice. Please.

He might like to think that what's his is his own, but he may well be in for a rude awakening.

And if he applies for another job for you, tell the lazy bastard to go and do one.
You're already doing two to his half.

magoria · 12/02/2015 22:04

What a sad role model you are showing your DC.

Dad works the least he has to, fucks off to play and does nothing for the house/family.

Mum works her arse off for hours and hours at her work and home stuff. Does all the cooking cleaning, etc and still gets insulted when she is working until 10pm when dad probably knocked off at 2 and went and played golf.

All dads money belongs to dad and he can spend how he wants.

All of mums money is to pay for the family.

But this isn't enough for dad. He wants her to earn more. Fit in all the cleaning and stuff she does until now and shove her children out to others because he can't be bothered to give up his golf for them.

Madeyemoodysmum · 12/02/2015 22:51

Why don't you get some legal advice op. At least then you know what your rights are should you decide to go forward with separating. Relate may be an idea. He doesn't have to know or go immediately.