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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU toner a bit pissed off about this?

127 replies

MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 09:31

To make this short...DH keeps pushing me to apply for a job that would involve working evenings and weekends ( both of which he refuses to do himself BTW).
I work from home ATM which leaves me available for the DCs at all times such as school holidays, inset days, sicknesses etc.
It will never make me a millionaire but it makes about £600 per month which covers all food, petrol, clothes and toys etc (DH never even bought a pair is socks for them).
This job would also mean leaving the DCs with him every evening and asking my mum to look after them at the weekend, which I'm not happy about either.
He seems to think that unless you actually work outside the home then it's not real work.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 12:07

You can feel both. I just hope you can see by all the replies that something needs to change.

Looking after DCs is a proper job, as is your working from home, as is cleaning and cooking. If your DH lords it over you that he is somehow better because he manages to haul his lazy arse to work 30 hours per week then I can see why over time your view may have become warped.

You need to believe that in no way is your relationship normal or acceptable.

WhyDoesEveryoneHateMe · 12/02/2015 12:07

Ok , my dh plays golf, so I get the golf thing. You essentially become a 'golf widow' and because it takes hours it feels like a bigger commitment than say, turning up for a rugby match.

Dh works ft, commutes etc. I work part time evenings and one day on the weekend. I also work from home running a small business during school hours. The pt job provides a stable income. The business works as extra income but allows flexibility where the dc are concerned. I do all household stuff. BUT Dh looks after the dc while I work in the evenings and has given up a day of golf to look after them while I work on the weekends. (?He plays the other day) There is never any suggestion that he palms them off to someone else, unless it is a competition that he cannot miss (he is on the club team) and then he is happy to pay for a babysitter or I see if I can swap out my shift.

Before I woh all the dc things would be left to me. Me working that weekend day means he gets good quality time with the dc that he loves. They have really bonded more than if he was off playing golf all weekend. The dc love their 'daddy day'.

So what I am saying is, the set up he is suggesting would work..if he was prepared to look after the dc and if you were allowed equal down time. And the dc would benefit from one on one time with dad too. Our other major difference is that our finances are 'ours' not yours and mine. So we have equal acess to spend/save/pay bills. Whilst dh probably wishes my income was more, and the eventual goal is to build the business so I can leave the pt job, he is happy to support me while that happens as it will take time. I recently suggested getting a school hours position, rather than work nights and weekends, but he was adamant that it was better to continue to build my own business.

ptumbi · 12/02/2015 12:09

OP - all hours worked 'for the family' have equal value; he works for the mortgage. He gets an hourly wage? Work out (write down) all the hours you do, from the minute you get the dc up, to the minute you sit down. Breakfast waitress, cook, chauffeur, housekeeper, wage earner, nuirsemaid, teacher/homework supervisor, childcare executive Grin - write it all down, with hours worked.

Tot up the hourly wage. Give it to him.
Then LTB and get maintenance for the dc. Be better off.

WhyDoesEveryoneHateMe · 12/02/2015 12:11

Ptumbi - here is an article that does exactly that! www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/05/02/why-stay-at-home-moms-should-earn-a-115000-salary/

LastOneDancing · 12/02/2015 12:15

OP you manage a home single handedly, raise your children alone, you're creative AND use your talent to run your own successful business?

You're fabulous.

He doesn't deserve you Thanks

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/02/2015 12:15

If he only works enough to cover his outgoings and your wages cover household expenses and toys/clothes for the children, do you have any contingency for savings/broken down cars/a new boiler/holidays etc? I can't imagine my DH ever choosing to work just enough to cover his outgoings when he could work full time and have a bit extra for treats and savings.

Your marriage does not sound like a partnership at all. He seems to think that paying the mortgage absolves him of all responsibility. FWIW my DH works full time and I'm a SAHM so don't work at all or bring in any income but he still looks after DD at weekends, baths her in the evening etc. Funnily enough, he wants to spend time with his daughter!

What are his redeeming features?

cailindana · 12/02/2015 12:17

I feel sad for you that you don't see what a horrible person your H is.

How can you bear to be around him?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 12/02/2015 12:25

And why do his sports trump the need for him to take care of the children over the weekend if you're working? (oh, by the way, do NOT do that job!!)

I'm willing to bet he doesn't take over the childcare for you to go out and pursue other interests like sport or whatever yourself, do he? Hmm

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 12:34

We, that should be he, has savings. The last time I saw a bank statement there was about £20,000 in his personal account. So if we did have an emergency then it could be paid for.
I would not be happy leaving him in charge of the DCs because I would worry about their safety. He tends to sit watching TV in the evenings and not keep a particularly watchful eye on them.
With DS 1 and DD that's not too bad as they are 12 and 8. But the 6 year old is a whirlwind on legs in and out of the house, playing in the garden and on the driveway. That's fine as I tend to watch him through the kitchen window so know where he is at all times.
Last November I went to collect DD from after school club leaving DS2 with DH. When I got back DH had no idea where DS2was....playing outside in the dark! I was frantic and searched the street, eventually found him but was livid with DH. After that I always take DS2 with me.

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/02/2015 12:37

He is a total waste of space Magers. You can see that, can't you?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/02/2015 12:41

Can you see how unequal your relationship is?

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 12:43
Shock
Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 12:46

Yes it is unequal. But then I suppose it always has been as I have never felt his equal.
So how do I resolve this?
How do I change the balance?
I can only see any change being possible if I start to earn more than him.

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/02/2015 12:47

He doesn't treat you this way because you earn less. He treats you this way because he has no respect for you. Only he can change that.

Is it possible to talk to him about this? Or will he just ignore you/shout you down?

ptumbi · 12/02/2015 12:49

Why should you change? Why doesn't he change/step up - or ship out? Would your life be harder - or easier, if he left?

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 12:53

The amount you each earn really has nothing to do with it. It comes down to the division of the households finances and the household duties.

You could earn more than him, but what would that change? You would still be paying for everything, and he would use it as a reason to work less.

How you resolve it is by asserting yourself. Have you ever tried to discuss the finances? Or the childcare?

PercyGherkin · 12/02/2015 12:53

How do you see your relationship changing if you earned more? Given how separate your finances are, what difference does how much you are earning actually make? At the moment he pays for the house, you pay for food and children. If you're earning more, are you going to start giving him cash towards the house, whilst still doing everything else? I hope not. The only way how much you earn would make any difference to your relationship is if you save up a running-away fund. Can you talk to him/write to him/find a counsellor?

DialsMavis · 12/02/2015 12:53

What his redeeming qualities ? What joy does he bring to your life?

CrapBag · 12/02/2015 12:54

He views your working from home early job as a pointless hobby?! Shock

I feel so sad that you even though you were going to be told YABU and you should get a 'real' job. Sad

He sounds like a cock if i'm totally honest. So he works enough hours to cover the basic bills and his own spending, leaving you to spend your money on the children. Not on!

He doesn't work full time therefore he should be doing a lot more around the home. He fucks off to his hobby at the weekends so you don't get anytime then either. Why the hell should your mum have to look after his children because he thinks you don't have a proper job! Tell him to get fucked and you will be carrying on as you are.

Is this genuinely how you see a healthy happy relationship? He can come and go as he pleases and you have to do all household, childcare and your own work (which is work)?

I'd have a serious chat with him about his unrealistic expectations and his selfishness. If he is not willing to meet you halfway then you need to make a choice to carry on as you are or look at the alternative.

DialsMavis · 12/02/2015 12:54

I do think men can change, but only when they see that you have realised that as they are you are better off without them

Corygal · 12/02/2015 12:56

He's got it made, hasn't he.

What an awful man - things need to change if you're going to be able to sustain a LTR, to be honest.

CrapBag · 12/02/2015 12:57

You shouldn't have ever to earn more than him for him to treat you as an equal.

My DH works full time. I am on sickness benefits. In no way does he treat me as inferior, nor do I feel it.

I think you are looking at it the wrong way. You should do nothing differently. It's him that needs to shape up. It really is. Please tell me you know this?

ImperialBlether · 12/02/2015 13:01

Do you like him? Frankly, he sounds really lazy and selfish and I'd find that hard to like.

He works four days a week (when presumably he could work five) and complains he wants more money? He spends that on a house (thinking that that is then his) when you spend your earnings on food, which disappears every meal.

You really aren't working as a team - well, you are, but he isn't. Is that a model of parenthood that you want your children to copy when they're older?

ptumbi · 12/02/2015 13:02

slice is right - if you earned more, he would work less.

He is lazy fecker, and is using you to feather a very comfortable bed for himself.

He is useless at looking after his own children? So you don't ask him any more. So you do it. RESULT!

Bet he's is useless at washing up, ironing, cooking, cleaning up after himself...

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/02/2015 13:03

Thing is, If you start earning more, then he'll either continually take the piss or he'll start telling you, you're neglecting your kids, you dont care.

No matter what you do, he'll find something else to judge you about.