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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU toner a bit pissed off about this?

127 replies

MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 09:31

To make this short...DH keeps pushing me to apply for a job that would involve working evenings and weekends ( both of which he refuses to do himself BTW).
I work from home ATM which leaves me available for the DCs at all times such as school holidays, inset days, sicknesses etc.
It will never make me a millionaire but it makes about £600 per month which covers all food, petrol, clothes and toys etc (DH never even bought a pair is socks for them).
This job would also mean leaving the DCs with him every evening and asking my mum to look after them at the weekend, which I'm not happy about either.
He seems to think that unless you actually work outside the home then it's not real work.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
CornChips · 12/02/2015 13:04

What crapbag says. My DH works his arse off and I work from home earning a pittance. I am his equal. In fact, when I mused about going back to study fulltime which would cost us money, and lose us money as I would stop working, he said what a fantastic idea, and we could wear the drop in income for a bit if that is what I wanted to do.

Sadly DH is abroad right now, I think I might call him and tell him how lovely he is. (We have our other issues though. :) )

OP, I honestly want to reach through the screen and give you a hug. You poor thing, he just does not sound worthy of you.

ssd · 12/02/2015 13:06

I feel sorry for you op, to be married to a man like this.

VixxFace · 12/02/2015 13:07

I bet he wishes his hobby could earn him money like yours does..

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 13:08

Well he's just basically told me to get off my arse and go and knock on a few factory doors.
Apparently the job he wanted me to apply for has been filled, I am too late. Seems he enquired on my behalfShock
I feel like I've just been told off by my Headmaster.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 12/02/2015 13:10

You've posted about this twat before - I'm afraid I've committed the cardinal sin of searching for your previous posts.

You were putting down a deposit on a rental to leave him last year - what happened?

trulybadlydeeply · 12/02/2015 13:11

OP you can't change him, but you can change what you do from this point forward...

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 13:12

What happens if you speak up for yourself OP?

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 13:13

Oh and yes he seems to have finished work early today.
Has been for a haircut ( even though he can see DS2 is in dire need of one too) and is now watching TV.
My head is full of confusion.

OP posts:
VixxFace · 12/02/2015 13:15

Could you tell us what you get from this relationship?

bettyboop1970 · 12/02/2015 13:18

Unfortunately it is apparent that you are married to a useless, entitled and selfish lazy prick who cannot be trusted to keep his own children safe.
You need to ask yourself if this is really what you want.

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 13:20

I can tell you are confused. But you will continue to be so unless you try to face up to the reality. Try to answer the questions that posters are asking you, even though it may be scary and painful to do so.

We can help you figure this out.

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 13:20

Re the deposit: that went tits up.
And I stupidly thought I could salvage something.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 13:28

Okay what do I get from this relationship?
For me, the absolute main thing is a solid comfortable base for DCs.
I could rip them from their home and make them live in a cramped damp house in a rough area ( which is what very nearly happened last year).
OR I can put their needs before mine and sit it out until things either improve or they leave school.
As to what else do I get from this, not much really. But I cannot please myself if that has an adverse effect on then.

OP posts:
tracyrobo · 12/02/2015 13:30

Oh dear, this thread has made me really sad for you. You deserve so much more than this man. Do you even love him, is he nice to you at all? How dare he make enquiries for a job for you without having any discussion with you about what you want. And he only works part time but dpes nothing to help in the home and cannot even look after his own children?? You need to make him see he is the problem and he has to change. Why are you settling for this?

stoopstofolly · 12/02/2015 13:31

I don't want to scaremonger here, but how confident are you in your relationship? I only ask because this is exactly the same situation a friend was in- she was basically bullied into getting an "employed" job instead of her self employed home working, which on paper delivered more money (although once childcare/ housework and everything else she then had to cover was factored in she was barely breaking even, AND seeing a lot less of her children.) Less than 3 months later he filed for divorce and the amount of maintenance he had to pay was a lot less than had she been doing her previous work, due to her income being notionally higher.

He sounds horrible. Buying seperate Xmas pressies? Not contributing to his children? Not doing anything around the house? It's not a partnership in any sense of the word, so don't assume he will do the right thing.

specialsubject · 12/02/2015 13:31

would you actually be the one to leave, though?

does he know that the worm has finally turned and you hate him? (He clearly thinks zero of you). You are all better than this.

this is a terrible example to set for children.

I hope that a way can be found to end this.

tracyrobo · 12/02/2015 13:32

Sorry x post. I understand you don't want to upset your children but can you really carry on like this? At least tell him you are not getting another job or he needs to help out more at home. big hugs for you I feel for you I really do

CrapBag · 12/02/2015 13:33

But they will pick up on the atmosphere and possibly think this is how an adult relationship should be, which it really shouldnt. I can't believe you have just been told to get off your arse and knock of factory doors and he had already enquired about this other job for you!

Personally i'd rethink your leaving plans. Unless you think you an talk to him rationally about it. Given his recent outburst i'd say not though.

NerrSnerr · 12/02/2015 13:33

Your children are learning from this though. Sons growing up thinking they can do fuck all around the house and they can treat their partners like shit, and daughters learning they just have to roll over and take it.

No amount of 'stability' from him is worth that.

BreakingDad77 · 12/02/2015 13:35

Sons growing up thinking they can do fuck all around the house and they can treat their partners like shit, and daughters learning they just have to roll over and take it.

Exactly - how did this even start with him doing nothing around the house??

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 13:40

I think hate is a bit strong, more like indifference. I had managed to convince myself that, as long as the DCs were fed and clothed, with the ocassional treat then I could live with that.
I wouldn't say there's an atmosphere as such but defunitely don't want my DCs to end up in similar relationships.

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/02/2015 13:41

I come from a family where my parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and my overriding feeling of the whole thing is 'I wish they'd divorced sooner'. We knew they didn't get on, that they didn't want to be together and it affected us quite badly.

Obviously it is entirely up to you what you do. But do you think your children don't notice that you do everything while he swans around doing his hobby? That he doesn't want to spend time with them? Do you want them growing up thinking women do everything around the house?

bettyboop1970 · 12/02/2015 13:42

A friend of mine has a very unequal relationship with her DP. He owns everything, she has no money herself. He treats her like a servant and talks to her like shit, dismisses everything she says. Guess what her eldest DS treats her exactly the same way. They all gang up on her and have zero respect for her.
Is that what you want, because that what is very likely to happen.

ImperialBlether · 12/02/2015 13:56

This money that he wants you to earn - what does he want to do with it?

MamaLazarou · 12/02/2015 13:58

I'm very sorry to say so, OP, but your husband sounds like a complete and utter shit.