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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU toner a bit pissed off about this?

127 replies

MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 09:31

To make this short...DH keeps pushing me to apply for a job that would involve working evenings and weekends ( both of which he refuses to do himself BTW).
I work from home ATM which leaves me available for the DCs at all times such as school holidays, inset days, sicknesses etc.
It will never make me a millionaire but it makes about £600 per month which covers all food, petrol, clothes and toys etc (DH never even bought a pair is socks for them).
This job would also mean leaving the DCs with him every evening and asking my mum to look after them at the weekend, which I'm not happy about either.
He seems to think that unless you actually work outside the home then it's not real work.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
DPotter · 12/02/2015 10:50

Doesn't matter if the house is in his name - if you married you have a claim.

If he's only working 30 hrs and week he should be doing his bit at home and not playing golf all the time. suggest you need to be less organised for a while or arrange a weekend away with your Mum so he gets to look after the kids.

DeanKoontz · 12/02/2015 10:57

It all sounds very 'his and mine' and not much like you're working as a team.

You're also implying in one post that you resent him spending all his spare money on himself, and in another that this is ok. Which is it? I wonder if you are convincing yourself it's ok, so you don't have to deal with the reality that it's not.

You both need to be looking at your joint income and managing that together. If, after regular outgoings, there is enough for his hobby, then fine. But do you get to have 'hobby money' too?

The same with time. Paid work and housework need to be divided equally so you are both getting an equal amount of downtime.

You don't say what you do for a living. Can he articulate what it is he doesn't respect about your current work?

ClockwiseCat · 12/02/2015 10:58

YANBU. Your husband doesn't seem to view you as a team - it's all about him and then you and the kids are in a separate bubble. You need to talk to him about how you are going to manage your family finances. Personally I would want to know there are some savings in reserve for a rainy day before anyone went and splurged on big items. Spending £3000 on golf clubs seems a lot for someone who only works the bare minimum number of hours.

It's fine for people to have hobbies and spend their own money by the way - but not when it's having an impact on the whole family. I'm actually getting quite angry that he is demanding that you work unsociable hours while he fannies about playing golf. Just when does he see your children out of interest?

BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2015 10:58

So he pays for his own stuff. He doesn't lift a finger in the home of with the kids.

What eaxctly are you getting out of this "marriage"?

WireCat · 12/02/2015 11:01

Good lord, he's a cunt. Leave him. I hate him & I've no idea who he is.

trulybadlydeeply · 12/02/2015 11:01

Tell him you'll apply for the job if he is responsible for childcare on the 3 days he is not working... What would he say to that?

I'm astounded that he won't work full time, even though he could, and that if you take this job, on top of the one you already do, this will take you over full time hours, surely??

Are you happy OP? What do you get out of this? Do you have fun as a family, does he make you feel safe, loved and happy? If so, then you need to work on this whole work/finances situation, and then maybe there is hope.

If you're not happy then please consider whether you should even stay with this man.

cailindana · 12/02/2015 11:01

I think you're missing the point love.

He has no interest in you or his children. He pays exactly what he would pay if he were single. He is now trying to manipulate you into exhausting yourself even further.

This comes across as a seriously fucked-up relationship.

NerrSnerr · 12/02/2015 11:07

It sounds odd, why are your finances so separate? If you work weekends he would surely have to give up his sporting commitments? Surely your mum couldn't commit to every weekend?

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 11:09

I wonder if you are convincing yourself it's ok, so you don't have to deal with the reality that it's not.

This.

BullshitS70 · 12/02/2015 11:13

I opened this thinking it was a post about facial toner

Also LTB, sorry, I couldn't live like you do, he sounds a complete A-hole

HiImBarryScott · 12/02/2015 11:15

He literally never lifts a finger out of "work".

He plays sport at the weekend so not available to look after DCs.

as he pays the bulk if the house bills then its his money to spend as he wants

WTF? Why do you put up with this?

Hours worked (whether working from home, in a "real" job or doing housework) should be equal. The household income should be fairly split. Free time to pursue hobbies etc should also be equal.

This one must have a solid gold 12 inch cock!

TheAnswerIsYes · 12/02/2015 11:18

WireCat

Good lord, he's a cunt. Leave him. I hate him & I've no idea who he is.

This exactly. WireCat nailed my thoughts exactly.

championnibbler · 12/02/2015 11:20

Why does he want you out of the house? is he having an affair?

YellowTulips · 12/02/2015 11:22

You already know you are not being unreasonable.

What I don't understand is why you would put up with this.

He won't do extra hours or seemingly inconvenience himself in any way but expects you to run yourself ragged.

Quite frankly I think you have a pretty fundamental issue to address with regard to him pulling his weight in this relationship and treating you like a skivvy.

As such the only chat is be having with him is not about this job, but about the future of the relationship if he doesn't have a major attitude adjustment.

Bowlersarm · 12/02/2015 11:29

Of course YANBU. Don't put up with it. What are you getting from this relationship exactly? Doesn't seem a lot.

musicalendorphins2 · 12/02/2015 11:33

I wouldn't do it, and, want to add, he sounds like a very selfish and uncaring person. Hope you can get him to talk to a marriage counselor, to learn how people are supposed to treat each other. Good luck.

TheGirlInTheGlass · 12/02/2015 11:34

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but, TBH, your DH sounds like my friend's- he's an idiot too.
What does he want you to get this job for? Because you both need more income, or because he thinks your job is a phoney?
If the latter ignore him; If both, ignore the latter bit.
If the household needs more income, discuss it together. Who can fit more in? Who can actually get the work? What will extra child are costs be? Be firm that this will need paying for, whether it's a childminder/nursery/parent! How much better off would you actually be? Would the standard of living and quality time suffer?

As for him not watching the kids, he's their father and should be trustworthy.
Think hard on that one, are you worried he'll undermine your parenting style- if so are your standards unreasonable? Or are you worried they'll get hurt because he's not paying attention to them jumping off the worktop or going in the cupboards- if so then he shouldn't be in the house with them, alone or not, and you need to stand up for them pronto and LTB. This part could go very wrong if you aren't being open with yourself, so breathe deep and be prepared to accept that you could either be blowing that one out of proportion in your haste or kick him out and have to legally prevent him from being alone with them.

CornChips · 12/02/2015 11:36

This is dreadful. I suppose you could have a conversation with him about what happens if you do work all these hours... ask him if you will be getting a cleaner or housekeeper to do the cleaning/uniforms etc or what he plans to arrange for dinner. It might make him think a bit.... but tbh, he does sound like an utter arse. I am gobsmacked. I am not usually a LTB sort, but I think you need to consider it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/02/2015 11:41

Ok, so you work and take care of the house. Now he wants you to take on another job at evenings and weekends and have your kids carted off to your DM every weekend.

So when do you get to spend time with the kids then?
When you get a chance to sit and chill out?

I'm with Wire, hes a cunt, a lazy cunt.

lottiesatitagain · 12/02/2015 11:50

These kind of threads make me sad.

How can you allow yourself to be treated like that?

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 11:58

I am quite surprised by replies as I was expecting to be told to get off my arse and get a "proper" job.
I don't honestly think he'll be satisfied unless I get a job working 10 hrs a day, arranging and paying for all the necessary chilcare AND cooking, cleaning etc.
Don't know whether to feel sad or relieved that IANBU.

OP posts:
lucidlady · 12/02/2015 12:03

You should feel EMPOWERED that you are not being unreasonable and then kick his sorry lazy arse into the kitchen/laundry room/supermarket/school run to contribute to family life.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/02/2015 12:04

Plenty of mums have a job that lets them work at home. I wish I could find a job that let me work at home.

You seriously need to think about the positives of being with this man. He expects far too much of you, things that he wont do.

I think you'd do better going solo.

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 12/02/2015 12:05

BTW my home working job is selling vintage clothing online. I source the clothes myself then do any repairs/ alterations before selling on.
It's quite a niche market as I tend to specialise in originals but my income is usually pretty much the same each month. If I do make more than £600 I usually put it towards a treat for the DCs.
He either views this as just some pointless hobby or thinks the food is left on the doorstep by the food fairy.

OP posts:
CornChips · 12/02/2015 12:06

Oh OP, I feel so sad for you. Thanks