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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be comfortable leaving DS &DD?

177 replies

BabyHaribo · 10/02/2015 13:41

MIL & FIL are having a formal dinner for wedding anniversary in a small hotel. It only has 20 rooms and they are having exclusive use.

I am not comfortable leaving DS.3 and DD 1 in the hotel room whilst we attend the evening meal. Neither of them are good sleeps and often wake up. I also worry about who had access to the room and fire etc. I don't mind sitting in the room whilst they sleep.

MIL & FIL are putting on the pressure saying they don't see the problem and I'm being rudeHmm

AIBU? Would you leave them with a monitor if your party were the only ones in the hotel?

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 11/02/2015 07:56

I wouldn't.

1 and 3 !?

If anyone tried to tell me i was being 'rude' for putting my kids before them (especially for the sake of some meal) they'd get the sharp edge of my tongue.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2015 07:58

The world is so different now - it really is. My mum and MIL always left the pram outside shops (my mum once forgot she'd left it with me in it and went off for half an hour or so oblivious, I was taken in by a friendly shopkeeper!) Neither of them would dream of doing it now, the thought of it horrified them. It's just not done anymore, probably not because the world is more crawling rules with kidnappers but simply because we don't take that risk nowadays. Although the situation the OP describes is different to the McCann case, that case has made the worst case scenario vividly really and people simply won't take that chance now, however vanishingly small it may be. Its just not worth it.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/02/2015 08:00

It's always a shame when people with very extreme levels of caution or scaremongering jump on and make the not leaving a 1 and a 3 year old sound bonkers by lumping them in with people who are anxious leaving a 12 and a 15 year old (assuming no relevant SN) though Confused

It really isn't about paranoia and over active imaginations so much as the very real likelihood of a 1 and a 3 year old who are generally wakeful atnight waking, and getting up to mimischief. The kind of child who rarely wakes or wakes and cries is one thing, the kind who wakes and gets up another.

Few 3 year olds are in cots surely, lots of 3 yo would get up and go looking for parents, or decide to jump in with the baby, or go play with the bathroom taps.

It's nothing like a holiday cottage where the 3 yo can just come to you downstairs/ on the terrace if they wake.

StarCrash · 11/02/2015 08:02

YANBU if you feel uncomfortable. I guess it depends on the layout of the hotel. We took dd (who was in travel cot) to 3 hotels/weddings last year and didn't leave her in the first as it was a travel lodge type thing and restaurant was 3 floors down, so dp stayed in room. Next place was in a separate out building but in exclusive use hotel complex and we had someone (family members) in at all times. Third one was an exclusive use pub/hotel where the bedroom was right above function room and we had a video monitor so we felt happy to leave her and check every now and again. We didn't plan to, but once we were there we felt comfortable. I felt happier being able to see what was going on, not sure I'd feel the same with just sound monitor.

thegreylady · 11/02/2015 08:09

We were in this situation once and dh and I did half hour stints with dc. I opted to have my main course in the room. It worked well until dh fell asleep and didn't want to go back down! Neither child (2 and 6) woke once!

hoobypickypicky · 11/02/2015 08:13

What's all this about "have the children with you"? Hmm

Why would anyone suggest this? It's clear that the children aren't included in the invitation. It's a formal meal for adults. The children are 1 and 3, not 11 and 13. If the parents of small children are invited to what's very clearly an adult event, no matter who the hosts are, the correct thing to do is either make arrangements for the care of the DC and accept or to decline on the grounds of lack of childcare. You don't just take the small children with you!

OP, they're your children and so any decision you make which isn't detrimental to their welfare is entirely reasonable. If I were you I'd decline the invitation because I wouldn't be happy with the 3 year old having unsupervised access to the 1 year old more than anything else. The hotel is sole use of the family so no worries there and you could request a room on the same floor as the dining room but it's more a case of not being able to relax with a baby monitor clamped to your ear all night.

The alternative is to send DH on his own - it's his, not yours, parents after all - and take a weekend off later on to do your own thing by way of 'repayment.'

vdbfamily · 11/02/2015 08:22

If this is a family do, is there not an older cousin (teenager) who might be happy to babysit once the kids are settled.
Also need to ask yourself if this was your parents having the 'do' would you be working harder to find a solution?
Could you rent a video monitor for the weekend?

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2015 08:23

hooby I described a family meal in a hotel in to which I took my young children because they were explicitly invited. The host had asked me if he should book the meal for 6pm to accommodate their bedtime, I didn't want to make 20 adults eat so early so I said we'd fit in with the 8pm dinner. Although it was a form that dinner, it was in a private dining room and fam to were very happy to have the children present. A meal organised by indulgent grandparents and for family often does welcome the kids, it's very different to a child free wedding or meal with friends for example. Lots of families make these kinds of occasions inclusive of the whole family, I was asking the OP if that might be the case here or if her PILs really didn't want their grandchildren there.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2015 08:25

formal dinner
family

Need to proofread!

Hakluyt · 11/02/2015 08:31

Get a babysitter.

hoobypickypicky · 11/02/2015 08:34

Jelly, to be fair to myself I wasn't referring to your post or situation but to the 6 or 7 people saying it before you!

I think it's clear in the OP's posts that the children aren't part of the invitation and for understandable reason (not that the host needs to give any for who they do or don't invite). The dinner is a "formal" one; the next morning there is a brunch to which the children are invited.

fuzzpig · 11/02/2015 08:49

YANBU, I wouldn't do it.

irregularegular · 11/02/2015 09:06

Well, I'm clearly in a small minority, but I left my young children to sleep upstairs in small hotels plenty of times and still would now. The world isn't really a different place these days. It isn't any more dangerous. We'd use a monitor and/or check on them from time to time. When they were a bit older they knew where to come and find us.

But it does depend on your children. If yours are likely to get out of bed and explore the room them I wouldn't! Mind wouldn't have done that - they would just have shouted out.

Of course, if you don't want to you don't have to and no-one should pressurise you - in that sense YANBU. And I agree that a babysitter is the sensible solution.

But the person who has only just started leaving a 12 and 15 yr old really is bonkers.

Tanith · 11/02/2015 09:15

Almost certainly, Atticus Smile

And dared to wake up and spoil Mum and Dad's evening, too Grin

TRexingInAsda · 11/02/2015 09:29

Drive 6 hours to sit in a hotel room as your 1 and 3 year old aren't invited to dinner? Erm, NO. No, no, no, fuck no! Can't they celebrate their anniversary together as a couple, like most normal people do? Booking a whole hotel out for a weekend and dictating people abandon their babies for the night, what the fuck are these people on?

nilbyname · 11/02/2015 09:32

Get a sitter. Use a baby monitor. There are solutions!

I live in a big house, we can't hear the children when we are in various parts of the house.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2015 09:35

Throughout the thread people have explained why they may not feel comfortable using a monitor or an unknown sitter. They've also explained why a small hotel is still very different to a large family home. There are solutions that some people may be happy with but the OP isn't unreasonable or irrational to not be happy with them.

Branleuse · 11/02/2015 09:39

id find a local sitter. I think youre being silly and passive aggressive to say youll go but sit in the room with your sleeping children. Thats completely ridiculous
Ask for the bedroom nearest the dining room, and if necessary get a babysitter. There are all sorts of ways of making this work without being a martyr to your children

Jackieharris · 11/02/2015 09:49

It's a generational thing.

It used to be the norm to leave DCs in hotel rooms, sometimes with a 'listening service' in the 70s/80s.

Now like lots of parenting practices the culture has changed and most patents wouldn't do it anymore.

However I think if you have completely booked out such a small hotel it may be doable with the closest room and a baby monitor? Maybe see what the layout/distance is?

I agree with others that the 3yo is more of a problem than the 1 year old. They will be stuck in their cot so can't get up to any mischief!

Does the 3yo have the temperament to sit and behave during the meal? Or would they sleep in a buggy in the dining room?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/02/2015 09:51

Ah! The martyr to the children line!

Doing what makes you feel comfortable, if that involves prioritising children = bad.

Ironically people who trot that line out always want the OP to be a martyr to other adults, which apparently is not only OK but the only way to be regarded as not bonkers Hmm

Obaying the whims of other adults to your own emotional discomfort, inconvenience and possible risk of children damaging themselves/ property/ being upset and or considerable expense of paying for a video monitor or babysitter = good

Hakluyt · 11/02/2015 09:53

"It's a generational thing"

I think it's quite usual even for young parents to use babysitters these days, isn't it?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/02/2015 09:59

Hakulet you know perfectly well she meant leaving kids alone in hotelrooms is a generational thing not using babysitters!

Using a babysitter is fine, the OP'S ILs made her feel ridiculous for not leaving the 1 and 3 year olds alone.

Babysitter on top of all the other costs of the weekend may of course be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but OP hasn't said whether or not this frankly ridiculous scale of anniversary celebration is setting them back the price of their annual low budget holiday, or is just picket change/ all paid for by fabulously wealthy ILs.

Hakluyt · 11/02/2015 10:01

"frankly ridiculous" Where did that come from??? Hmm

mrsfuzzy · 11/02/2015 10:13

get a baby sitter or just tell them you can't go to the dinner, your kids are much more important, the inlaws sound a bit entitled to be honest, not to mention a bit twatty if they think it's okay to leave them in the room, yes patricia, the mccanns would be mentioned, but they were supposed to be intelligent people. they made a huge error of judgement which then came round and bit them on the back side, this case isn't that different. we all make mistakes but there is no need to be taking potential risks like this either.

fluffyraggies · 11/02/2015 10:15

Why do some posters feel the need to not just simply give their point of view but to then stick the boot in to those with a different view with words such as - martyr, bonkers, silly, passive aggressive and ridiculous?

Those on the thread who would not feel comfortable leaving their DCs in a hotel room are not throwing insults like evil, selfish, risk taking, reckless, uncaring, cold, or idiotic about those who would.

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