Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

...to ask MN-ers NOT to join in this glorification of domestic abuse? (contains spoilers)

999 replies

Floundering · 10/02/2015 09:13

Fifty Shades of Shite

Can't believe the naivety and abuse deniers on here and amongst my friends.

DV campaigners such as Womens Aid & National Centre for Domestic Violence are urging people not to see this film.

It is not "just a piece of fun" it normalises abusive, controlling relationships as sexy, and it really bothers me so many women are colluding in supporting such crap that could hurt other more vulnerable women.

The BDSM community are frothing too as if done properly between 2 consenting adults with lots of planning, mutual respect and lots of affection and downtime after it can, for some, apparently be mindblowing. ( doesn't lift my skirt but respect those who do enjoy) this is not portrayed safely in this film.

...to ask MN-ers NOT to join in this glorification of domestic abuse? (contains spoilers)
OP posts:
FloraFox · 10/02/2015 12:42

Whipping with an actual whip is an assault if it causes actual bodily harm, regardless of consent. "Whipping" with a feather duster is not assault.

If you are actually inflicting bodily harm against someone, that is a crime. If you are only playing at it, that is merely distasteful.

TSSDNCOP · 10/02/2015 12:43

nancy I do hope it's the one on the sea front at Herne Bay. Mike's a keeper if that's so. And what's that on the back seat in the orange B&Q bag? Looks like a bit of washing line. Surely not

SillyPops · 10/02/2015 12:43

So are we only allowed to show perfectly feminist men in films? Confused

Everyone knows what its about, I don't think there is ANYONE who thinks its normal behaviour/relationship.

Isn't everyone entitled to choose who they like, and who they want to be in a relationship with? I love being controlled, decisions being made for me, being told what to do - and not just in a sexual way, I find it reassuring and calming. That's my choice, I realise others would hate it.

FloraFox · 10/02/2015 12:44

Nancy you have a future there, I think.

NancyRaygun · 10/02/2015 12:45

Arf at shared jacuzzi at Virgin active Grin

FloraFox · 10/02/2015 12:45

Isn't everyone entitled to choose who they like, and who they want to be in a relationship with?

Your dad? Your brother?

Focusfocus · 10/02/2015 12:45

I have name changed for this as this is personal.

Now, the book itself is rubbishy written. It was frankly tedious to get through. That is not a requirement for censorship, of course.

BDSM on the other hand (which is what the subject matter is) involves consent, respect and boundaries which is not easily gendered - males dominate females, females dominate males - based on what both parties consent to and clearly get turned on by. It's a choice.

I think it is very dangerous to place BDSM and domestic violence on the same platform. They are enormously different.

I am a feminist, both in practice (in pretty much everything I do in my daily life) and in theory (I am a university academic who engages with feminist theory) I am the higher earner and the lead decision maker in my relationship with the sweetest loveliest man I have ever met. I am an ambitious woman, with also a very sensitive and caring emotional front. In my relationship I have introduced occasional BDSM - with me as the sub - because that floats my boat. My dh has discovered, that when we both want it, it floats his boat too. I deeply enjoy submitting in bed, find it almost relaxing - after I lead multi country projects involving many countries globally, in my professional world. There are limits, safe words and a truly lovely relationship within which we enjoy this on occasion.

Standing there, I refuse to place BDSM and domestic abuse on the same platform.

50 shades of gray is a shit book. I may or may not watch the film, depending on what else there is to do.

Focusfocus · 10/02/2015 12:46

Haha name change clearly didn't work!

HubertCumberdale · 10/02/2015 12:47

FloraFox You are wrong. Many people use an actual whip during sex and cause actual bodily harm, because that's what they are into and it turns them on.
Labelling those people as criminals is silly, wrong, and dangerous.

MessyRedHairSoThere · 10/02/2015 12:49

I haven't read the book and won't go to see the film so I@m not sure if I'm entitled to comment, but I do know that it's because I was in an abusive relationship that I just find the idea a turn off. I never, ever want to be dominated in any sense.

Jilly cooper did this first, and better (this genre I mean, not the dominance thing)

Btw i found last night's broadchurch where lee ashworth pinned her up against the wall and had his hands around her neck and then they ended up having sex, i found that really really really horrible to watch

I thought this thread was going to be about that scene.

FloraFox · 10/02/2015 12:49

Hubert I'm not wrong:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R_v_Brown

Bettybodybooboo · 10/02/2015 12:55

merry poo is proved to be bad for you so you would he strange to taste it really.

Books/films/music no all these things need to be seen/read or heard to be able to form an opinion.

To not do so and pontificate is daft really and undermines your argument.

26Point2Miles · 10/02/2015 12:57

If whipping were illegal then the buying of whips would be controlled and regulated! Ann summers freely sell them. There is always someone on these threads with ridiculous notions!

FloraFox · 10/02/2015 13:01

So one the one hand we have a House of Lords decision confirming that causing actual bodily harm with consent during a sadomasochistic act is a crime but on the other hand: Ann Summers.

Righto, nothing ridiculous about that.

HubertCumberdale · 10/02/2015 13:09

There is certainly something ridiculous FloraFox, but it isn't Ann Summers.
(I'm now in a wikihole about BDSM. This is mad!)

GatoradeMeBitch · 10/02/2015 13:12

Can I ask what 50 Shades fans made of the part where the woman is pregnant and the foetus moves during foreplay and she whispers 'I think she likes sex already...' If you didn't want to hurl the book away from you while yelling 'OH SHIT THEY'RE A PAIR OF PAEDO'S!!' can I ask, why not?

FloraFox · 10/02/2015 13:16

Ann Summers is ridiculous on any level.

Making assault not criminal based on consent would be very dangerous for women. If a man could say she consented as a defence, it would be incredibly difficult to get convictions in DV situations. BDSM would become the standard defence.

Gator that is beyond vile.

BreakingDad77 · 10/02/2015 13:24

wow this is bad as usually women are portrayed so truthfully in Hollywood Wink

MonstrousRatbag · 10/02/2015 13:26

Anyome else thinking a bit of light spanking after a chippy tea sounds quite nice?

HubertCumberdale · 10/02/2015 13:26

FloraFox

Using that logic, making sex an uncriminal act based on consent would be very dangerous for women. If a man could say she consented as a defence, it would be incredibly difficult to get convictions in rape situations. 'She consented' would become the standard defence.

Gator If at any point I ever consider reading the books, your post will fly through my head and I'll vomit just that little bit.

HubertCumberdale · 10/02/2015 13:29

I feel the need to clarify, no criminal should go unpunished.
Proving or disproving consent is a very valid and real problem (legally) but what I'm saying is charging consenting adults as criminals is not an answer.

HearCerseiRoar · 10/02/2015 13:31

Well, I managed to read a chapter of Fifty Shades and couldn't stand it...not because of the BDSM element, but because of the awful writing and characterisation. Christian Grey is definitely an abuser, just as Edward Cullen in Twilight is an abuser, but this depiction has nothing to do with 'real' BDSM.

My partner and I are very much into BDSM and S&M and I am usually the sub...a personal choice and preference. I am certainly not a victim of DV.

Back2Two · 10/02/2015 13:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

LurcioAgain · 10/02/2015 13:34

Herbert - you do realise, don't you, that this is exactly what goes on in a lot of rape cases? And is one of the reasons it's so hard to get a conviction. And that when the DPP issued guidelines to the police recently which roughly said "when a man says his defence is that she consented, please do go to the trouble of actually asking him and getting on record what gave him reason to think she had consented," this caused an absolute furore in the press, with an endless succession of brain-dead commentators erroneously bleating on about "it's the end of 'innocent till proven guilty'."

FloraFox · 10/02/2015 13:41

Hubert that is the standard defence in a rape case and the appalling failures in getting convictions demonstrates the problem.

In DV cases, the defence could use evidence of previous assaults where she didn't leave him as evidence of her consent based on their "BDSM lifetsyle". How fucked is that? It follows naturally from what you want. Add on the rape myths "women consent to a bit of smacking then lie about it afterwards for regret / revenge etc" and where does that get us?

Just because you get sexy feelings from something and think you're a good person, doesn't make that something a good thing.