Friend sent me werid text after party!

[monkina]

My DD had 4th birthday party at weekend. A lady from school that I've become quite good friends with ( play dates, trips to cinema, coffee etc) came with her daughter (who ill call Nancy) who is same age.

She has an older sibling 9 yes old (who I'll call Isla) who didn't come to the party. I hadn't formally invited her, but had assumed she would come along if she fancied it.

Anyway, party was a great success, 30 kids, a few older siblings came too, some had texted to ask if OK, & some just turned up, & that was fine with me as I'd deliberately made extra food etc in case. We had a bouncy castle & face painter and everyone seemed happy. Nancy & her mum left smiling.

Next day I get a text to say " just to warn you Isla is planning to a accost you in school yard to ask why she wasn't invited to the party. Am trying to gently dissuade her from this plan but she is sure there is something she can do to be invited next time! Hopefully she'll have forgotten all about it by next seeing you- but just in case!"

I replied to say I was sorry to hear Isla was upset, it was thoughtless of me not to have made it clearer to everyone that siblings were welcome , and will give her an extra special party bag plus some face paints next time I see her.

No reply from friend that afternoon, nor by bedtime. I'm sat feeling dreadful as I know Isla is a sensitive child & has recently suffered a bereavement, so am now thinking I've added to her current upset.

I therefore decide to sent a text before bed, " I really do feel dreadful about Isla, guess I just assumed she would come along if she fancied it. I'm now kicking myself that I did not properly invite her. I know she's still grieving too, hope she's OK, sorry again for my oversight. Love mexxxxx

No reply.

Next day on train into work get text, " Hi , please don't do that- I think it will make her feel worse! She'll forget all about it in a while".

WTF?!!! So I spend whole day feeling awful, confused, bewildered and cross that my friend has offered me no reassurance whatsoever, despite knowing I'm worrying I've upset her daughter!!!

She refused my offer of a party bag via text, saying it will, " remind her she may have missed out".

Can anyone shed any light on this???....why did she feel the need to worry me, & then refused to let me try and make amends?

She sounds like a passive aggressive PITA.

AFingerofFudge...although I'm sorry to read that you had a negative experience with one of my fellow BPD sufferers, I feel I must speak up. We aren't all like that. I'm mostly 'normal' actually. BPD is a terrible disorder to live with, both for the sufferer and their loved ones, and the stigma surrounding it is horrendous.

Sorry for hijacking! Peace.

My children are incredibly well behaved, freakishly so

They would be told not to approach the adult (or child) and would be fully aware of the dire repercussions should they do so

But I would still give my friend a heads up...because nine years olds sometimes don't listen to their parents

My children haven't disobeyed me on anything like this yet (16, 13 and 11) but give them time

As someone with a child who has no filter (but hope he may do by aged 9), I took the first to be a lighthearted warning, so you didn't get wrong footed by Isla.

Second text I would take to mean that she has told Isla to get over it, she's isn't going to be invited to everything etc, and you giving the party bag reopens the debate/drama.

Bereavement aside, I think the 9yr old will be over it ASAP. Maybe make a separate arrangement to see them both another time and do something mutually enjoyable with them (park/picnic).

The fundamental problem here lies in the method of communication. OP, you and MN are trying to read into (possibly hastily) written words that do not have any intonation or body language that is so vital to conversation. You will drive yourself mad trying to second-guess your friend's meaning; see how it goes next time you see her as it will probably be resolved in a two minute face-to-face chat. Going forward, you could be explicit next time you have a party as to who is welcome to save any more angst. Please stop feeling bad; you've not done anything wrong.

Sleets - I apologised so profusely because the other mother and I had met up a few weeks before & she'd mentioned how upset Isla was over the friend- it was not me being over the top or attention seeking, just feeling worried that perhaps I had added to the girls woes!

and yes, agree could have been clearer about invites- hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Good idea Jenny and agree completely Kahlo, I must remind myself of this and try not to let myself worry!

I don't think bereavement is an excuse for being repeatedly and persistently bloody rude or using her DD to make pathetic passive-aggressive digs. If she overreacted to something on the spur of the moment and lost the plot in these circumstances that mightn't be U, but three PA texts over a couple of days citing her DD like that?

Cow.

Meant to add, despite your apologising and offering to make it up to her, and getting those responses twisted to look like insults. Horrible.

Welcome to the world of 'whatever you do it won't be right' I imagine it was the mother who was miffed when she saw the other siblings there, if she respected you as a friend she should have asked if her other daughter could have attended. You are fab to have such a relaxed attitude to the whole party situation anyway and as long as your daughter had a fab party then that's all that matters.
Move on now.

If someone had text me to warn me about their angry 9 year old I would have text back offering sympahy for having trouble with her DDs behaviour but not to worry if she tries that behaviour with me I will be happy to give her a dressing down.