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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sent me werid text after party!

110 replies

monkina · 09/02/2015 20:29

My DD had 4th birthday party at weekend. A lady from school that I've become quite good friends with ( play dates, trips to cinema, coffee etc) came with her daughter (who ill call Nancy) who is same age.

She has an older sibling 9 yes old (who I'll call Isla) who didn't come to the party. I hadn't formally invited her, but had assumed she would come along if she fancied it.

Anyway, party was a great success, 30 kids, a few older siblings came too, some had texted to ask if OK, & some just turned up, & that was fine with me as I'd deliberately made extra food etc in case. We had a bouncy castle & face painter and everyone seemed happy. Nancy & her mum left smiling.

Next day I get a text to say " just to warn you Isla is planning to a accost you in school yard to ask why she wasn't invited to the party. Am trying to gently dissuade her from this plan but she is sure there is something she can do to be invited next time! Hopefully she'll have forgotten all about it by next seeing you- but just in case!"

I replied to say I was sorry to hear Isla was upset, it was thoughtless of me not to have made it clearer to everyone that siblings were welcome , and will give her an extra special party bag plus some face paints next time I see her.

No reply from friend that afternoon, nor by bedtime. I'm sat feeling dreadful as I know Isla is a sensitive child & has recently suffered a bereavement, so am now thinking I've added to her current upset.

I therefore decide to sent a text before bed, " I really do feel dreadful about Isla, guess I just assumed she would come along if she fancied it. I'm now kicking myself that I did not properly invite her. I know she's still grieving too, hope she's OK, sorry again for my oversight. Love mexxxxx

No reply.

Next day on train into work get text, " Hi , please don't do that- I think it will make her feel worse! She'll forget all about it in a while".

WTF?!!! So I spend whole day feeling awful, confused, bewildered and cross that my friend has offered me no reassurance whatsoever, despite knowing I'm worrying I've upset her daughter!!!

She refused my offer of a party bag via text, saying it will, " remind her she may have missed out".

Can anyone shed any light on this???....why did she feel the need to worry me, & then refused to let me try and make amends?

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 09/02/2015 23:48

I thought this sounded like a reasonable exchange of texts Confused

Mum warns that Isla is slightly annoyed at missing party and might mention it to you; you apologise; no instant response (all kinds of reasons why) and then you can all draw a line under the conversation

What's the problem?

Echocave · 10/02/2015 00:13

I agree with those saying don't make a big deal of it, don't give a party bag, try not to worry about it. Oh and the Mum isn't necessarily a problem from what I've read here. Ok, so maybe she should tell her dd it's not appropriate to accost an adult but some children can be quite forthright!
However, sounds like Isla's ok with it now.

worksallhours · 10/02/2015 00:49

OP, it would not have occurred to me to invite a nine-year-old to a four-year-old's party unless they were a family member. There's a massive difference between four and nine, and I would have just assumed the nine-year-old would have no interest being at a party full of pre-schoolers.

You know, I actually think it is a little bit odd that a child of that age would want to go to a party where the children were so much younger. One eight year old I know wouldn't even attend his little brother's fourth birthday party because "it was for babies". Grin

SomethingOnce · 10/02/2015 01:25

What zzzzz, DoJo and IsIt said.

I read the first message a probably lighthearted/banter too, like a backhanded way of saying it was a great party.

She probably thinks you're a bit, um, intense, the way you responded. I would tend to agree.

Bellerina2 · 10/02/2015 08:02

So parents allow their kids to "accost" other adults these days? Seriously? If I'd announced to my mum at age 9 that I was planning a spot of "accosting" then she would've dissuaded me fairly UNgently!

sugarman · 10/02/2015 08:07

I so agree with the posters who say you are overthinking this. The mum sounds friendly and chatty. The use of the word accost was clearly in jest. Your response was a bit ott and worrying about it all night is an over reaction.

Kids can get upset and then move on quickly. Time for you to move on, too.

DoJo · 10/02/2015 08:09

So parents allow their kids to "accost" other adults these days?

It's just a turn of phrase! What are people imagining when they are getting outraged about this? A clipboard and series of demands? I assumed that the mum just meant that 'Isla' was going to ask if she could come to the OP's daughter's next party! Nothing rude or entitled about it, just a polite request to be included with other siblings if the situation should arise again. Would people really be that upset or offended by an enthusiastic nine-year old asking to come to a theoretical future party?

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2015 08:10
  • She tried to make you feel bad by making out her DD was really upset to be left out
  • She succeeded in making you feel worse that she had even dared hope
  • She realised that if you met her DD with profuse apologies/party bag her DD would have been totally bemused as she was not all that bothered
  • She is backtracking like mad and again trying to make you feel bad
  • She has yet again succeeded
  • She also let you stew for HOURS

I think she is quite clever. Take this as a warning.

RufusTheReindeer · 10/02/2015 08:13

I think that the exchange of texts sounds reasonable as well

You have been really kind and thoughtful but I also think you are overthinking it a bit (in exactly the same way I do Grin

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable

TerraNovice · 10/02/2015 08:14

This sounds like your classic middle-class MN storm in a teacup! Only on MN do peopl overthink not inviting a kid to a birthday party and have guilt trips about it!!

StarOnTheTree · 10/02/2015 08:15

DoJo Nothing rude or entitled about it, just a polite request to be included with other siblings if the situation should arise again.

In my world asking to be invited to a party is rude and entitled Hmm

RufusTheReindeer · 10/02/2015 08:15

Oh and by the way, I would possibly use the word accost in a joking manner

I would also explain to my 9 year old that they shouldn't do it, it I would also give my friend a heads up that it might happen so they weren't potentially embarrassed/or annoyed by it.

takeiteasybuttakeit · 10/02/2015 08:22

I'd let it go now, really. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let it blow over, no big deal. You really don't want to start avoiding people in school or making any more drama about it

Osmiornica · 10/02/2015 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsAnndrist · 10/02/2015 08:34

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight...

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2015 08:40

Sorry but a 9yr old getting upset over not being invited to her 4yr old sister's friend's party, needs to get over herself and her Mum needs to stop indulging that crap.

Otherwise where will it end?

DoJo · 10/02/2015 08:41

In my world asking to be invited to a party is rude and entitled

I find that sad too - she's nine and wants to be included in a party that is still only theoretical at the moment. Seeing so much negativity in something so innocent and understandable demonstrates a lack of generosity to my mind.

DoJo · 10/02/2015 08:44

Sorry but a 9yr old getting upset over not being invited to her 4yr old sister's friend's party, needs to get over herself

The mum didn't say she was upset. The OP has inferred that based on the fact that this child has recently suffered a bereavement and was accidentally overlooked for a party that she would have actually be welcome to attend. Considering this child hasn't even done anything, I think some of these responses are really harsh.

musicalendorphins2 · 10/02/2015 08:48

I would not bring it up again, I would consider it resolved. You have been more than apologetic and nice towards your friend & her dd, don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong at any point. These things happen, but don't take it to heart.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 10/02/2015 09:27

I agree with balloonslayer
I wouldn't worry about it op.

Pagwatch · 10/02/2015 09:37

Isla needs to get a grip and Islas mum needs some parenting classes.

Ignore them. Don't send the party bag.

CuddlesfromChickens · 10/02/2015 09:49

Personally I would have ignored the first text as unbelievably rude.

A nine year old being upset about missing a four year olds party is odd. My 7 year olds go out of duty to 4 yo parties - not because it is fun for them.

A nine year old 'accosting' an adult about a lack of party invitation is rude. Any child who did that to me would not be getting an apology but a firm explanation that you don't get invited to everything, especially when you are five years older.

Any parent who couldn't control their 9 year old's behaviour sufficiently to stop them
Upbraiding and possibly embarrassing other adults would lose all my respect.

I wouldn't be apologising, nor offering party bags or in fact mentioning it again. I'd be embarrassed for my friend that she had such a lack of manners.

Depending on what happens next time I saw the family I might consider whether they get any more party invites.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 10/02/2015 10:06

I am a bit surprised that anyone things the original message was ok to send.

Surely she should have said "it was mummy's fault Isla there were loads of other siblings there and rather than ask I decided to stew a bit and send a passive aggressive text when I got home to make a POINT."

Rather than just say, oh I didn't realise siblings could come, can I send for Isla she would love to come.

Sleetsleetmoresleet · 10/02/2015 10:07

"Personally I would have ignored the first text as unbelievably rude. "
I don't think so at all. The other mother's initial text sounds like a genuine "heads up" to let op know if isla approaches her, what it is all about. It's chatty in tone and now problem imo. However op you need to stop worrying so much about stuff like that, it's sounds very anxious and I think you are blowing this out of proportion.

It's no good to expect of your friends to reassure you, that's not their job, it's yours. This is indeed a proverbial storm in a teacup. I sympathise with you though because I tend to mull stuff like this over but am trying to get over that. Everyone is busy with their own little / big issues at home and not receiving a text immediately is pretty normal.

You are the adult here. Let it all cool off a bit, do not offer a party bag and don't involve yourself in the 'grieving' of this little girl, it's not your place. Just focus your energies to something else.

You sound well meaning but a bit insecure.

NellysKnickers · 10/02/2015 10:10

My 9 year old would rather eat his own limbs than go to a 4 year olds party. The woman is a passive aggresive loon.