Friend sent me werid text after party!

[monkina]

My DD had 4th birthday party at weekend. A lady from school that I've become quite good friends with ( play dates, trips to cinema, coffee etc) came with her daughter (who ill call Nancy) who is same age.

She has an older sibling 9 yes old (who I'll call Isla) who didn't come to the party. I hadn't formally invited her, but had assumed she would come along if she fancied it.

Anyway, party was a great success, 30 kids, a few older siblings came too, some had texted to ask if OK, & some just turned up, & that was fine with me as I'd deliberately made extra food etc in case. We had a bouncy castle & face painter and everyone seemed happy. Nancy & her mum left smiling.

Next day I get a text to say " just to warn you Isla is planning to a accost you in school yard to ask why she wasn't invited to the party. Am trying to gently dissuade her from this plan but she is sure there is something she can do to be invited next time! Hopefully she'll have forgotten all about it by next seeing you- but just in case!"

I replied to say I was sorry to hear Isla was upset, it was thoughtless of me not to have made it clearer to everyone that siblings were welcome , and will give her an extra special party bag plus some face paints next time I see her.

No reply from friend that afternoon, nor by bedtime. I'm sat feeling dreadful as I know Isla is a sensitive child & has recently suffered a bereavement, so am now thinking I've added to her current upset.

I therefore decide to sent a text before bed, " I really do feel dreadful about Isla, guess I just assumed she would come along if she fancied it. I'm now kicking myself that I did not properly invite her. I know she's still grieving too, hope she's OK, sorry again for my oversight. Love mexxxxx

No reply.

Next day on train into work get text, " Hi , please don't do that- I think it will make her feel worse! She'll forget all about it in a while".

WTF?!!! So I spend whole day feeling awful, confused, bewildered and cross that my friend has offered me no reassurance whatsoever, despite knowing I'm worrying I've upset her daughter!!!

She refused my offer of a party bag via text, saying it will, " remind her she may have missed out".

Can anyone shed any light on this???....why did she feel the need to worry me, & then refused to let me try and make amends?

I would not waste time worrying about it. Surely she's been to enough parties to know how it all works. She's rude and I would have told her so.

I can't get past an adult thinking their 9 year old is going to approach an adult in a snarky way about not being invited to a party, and choosing to text and warn the adult rather than, you know, parenting their child.

awesome.

Why would the mum let Isla approach the OP, though, Sleetsleet? If one of mine had told me they were going to go to another mum to ask why they hadn't been invited to another child's party, I would have told them that they were most certainly NOT going to do that, otherwise there'd be trouble.

I wouldn't be giving the other mum a helpful 'head's up' so she could be ready for the questions!!

Unfortunately, in life, we are not always going to get invited to every party or occasion we feel we should have been invited to (all of my invites to the Oscars have inexplicably been lost in the post), but we have to learn to grin and bear it. 9 years old is plenty old enough to learn that you don't get invited to every party, and you don't have the right to 'accost' the host to find out why you weren't invited and to make sure you get an invite next time!

OP, you sound lovely.

I think you have done everything you can in the situation to apologise and make it better. I would just ignore it from here on out, and move on with the friendship.

I think the other parent has behaved slightly oddly, but bearing in mind that the family are recently bereaved, this may just be a sign that things are still a bit raw.

I can see your point genius but maybe the other mother was just not thinking straight. Her initial text sounds like she didn't agree with her dd's idea of approaching op but maybe due to their circumstances she didn't want to crack down in the way you are suggesting. I haven't got a nine year old yet, so not sure how to handle those .

I do absolutely think people cannot expect to be invited everywhere and that asking why one is not invited is pretty rude. At the same time I think OP is really making a mountain out of a molehill. I think she should detach herself from this incidence as it was a no issue imo. No party bag for the girl, no chats with the other mother ' learning the air', she should just move I as she hasn't done anything wrong at all. She can invite whoever she likes to her dc's party.

I really don't like this angst around children's birthday parties that seems to have gripped the country. It's a kids birthday party not coronation day.

Sleet my point is that the 9tear old shouldn't be approaching the OP in the first place. The text has the combined effect of:

Embarrassing the OP and making them feel bad (which is rude)

And saying 'I have failed to appropriately parent my child so either I'm leaving you to do it by explaining party etiquette (my personal choice ) which is rude

Or leaving the OP to condone this ridiculous pandering and grovel to a nine year old Which is rude.

There is no possible outcome to this text which isn't rude.

By the way, I'm extremely sorry that the child has suffered a bereavement. I had a similar experience as a child and it was very hard.

However a bereavement doesn't excuse the text by the Mum.

Sleetsleet - you are so right about the birthday party angst! And it is why I am so glad that my three are too old for all of it (17, 19 and 21) - they are generally happy to go out for a nice meal with us, and then organise some sort of socialising with their friends.

I do agree with you cuddles. I just don't think the other mother intended to be rude more like she wasn't thinking straight or muddled it up.

I try really hard to be polite, thoughtful etc. but I muddle things up all the time. Maybe the other mother has just a lot of stuff on and this little party incident was not handled 100% correctly or given enough attention, it sound like she has a lot on her plate. I just think it's no use to slag the other mum off. We all do odd things from time to time.

Who the fuck would say not to bother with a party bag for a child whether they are genuinely upset about the party or not (I guess NOT, actually)

Even if they hadn't lost a classmate, any child would love to get a free party bag and would be cheered up a bit by getting one.

she sounds a shit mother, woefully inadequate in parenting terms and unable to take responsibility for her own choice NOT to sound out on the subject of siblings.

I also agree with cuddles there is no excuse for the text.

Sleet I find that hard to imagine that an adult can be muddled up on fairly basic standards of acceptable behaviour but then I take a fairly hard line on these things and as this thread shows people do have different views about what is acceptable.

I haven't 'slagged off' the other Mum but she has demonstrably worried/upset/distressed the OP about her own child's lovely party. The only thing her text should have said was 'thank you for having us'.

I wouldn't have reacted as the OP has but I'd have been annoyed, lost respect for that person and been embarrassed on their behalf.

Thanks for all replies.

I had originally perceived the first text as fairly light hearted and just a warning that child would approach me.

I was only bemused when I received the no, please dont give her anything, it will only make her feel worseand It will remind her that she has missed out on something.

Those comments made me question what friends intentions were.

That and the fact that she offered me no reassurance to my apologetic texts in which I expressed concern that I may have inadvertently upset her daughter during a sensitive time.

We have both previously admitted we are natural born worriers and both sometimes over-think things, so I was very surprised by this!!

Its possibly been oversaid but no adult should need a warning, a heads up or anything else that a child is going to approach you to ask why you didn't invite her to a party! The other mum should have put her blooming foot down not "gently try to dissuade"....

I mean, thank god there are still some parents here who definitely have their Mommy balls!

"I gently tried to dissuade my teenage DS that (X,Y, Z antisocial action)... hopefully they will forget..."

Even lightheartedly it doesn't read/bode well.

Monk from everything you've posted you haven't done anything wrong at all.

Please don't worry about this any further.

In the nicest possible way (as you are clearly a lovely person) you were a mug with your first response!

Of course she was having a go at you.

It would have got my back up straight away - 'my daughter might accost you' my arse!! Tell your daughter not to be so bloody rude then or tell the truth and say it's you who was put out for some unknown reason.

I would have replied 'She could have come if she's wanted to - you didn't ask' or 'Wow ok' or no reply at at all. Let her feel uncomfortable and guilty, you've done nothing wrong!

Texting Mum has wimped out of parenting her own child (managing child's expectations about party, reassuring her if she is upset, making it clear that accosting people about invites is not on etc.) and is passing all the blame on to the OP. OP has happily shouldered the blame despite the situation not being her fault in anyway. I have no idea why Texting Mum felt the need to involve OP in her parenting concerns. I have no idea why OP feels it is up to her to make it better.

Just leave it now. It is done.

In this month's Good Housekeeping (my mother randomly gave me a subscription for Christmas...am not sure what she is trying to say...) there was an article by Kate Gross, a woman in her mid thirties with terminal cancer.
It was all about about how best to support families who have, or are facing disasters like cancer, divorce or bereavement.

I strongly recommend reading the piece, but the gist of it was that the closer you are to the bereavement or other disaster - for example if it's a member of your very close family that has died - then you should provide only support to the people even closer to it than you, and expect only support from the people further away from it than you are.

In this case, the poor woman has been providing support to her daughter following a bereavement and is looking for support from her wider circle of friends and acquaintances who are less close to it. It sounds like the sort of support she needs from you right now is cutting her a bit of slack, moving on from this, and not letting it affect your friendship. I don't think the whole texting saga is about you or the party - to me it's a sign of stresses at home and you should forgive her.

Hmm. I think the piece sounds great .
But I think that is a hugely dramatic assessment of what happened.
I think if a child is struggling then suddenly reassuring them that over reacting to imagined slights is a good idea, probably would do more harm than good.

She sounds just like an exfriend of mine: very passive aggressive. My friend acts the same way, tests to make a point then leaves you stewing, then digs in a bit more, then stewing.

However my exfriend always was a passive aggressive twat so I should have expected it really.

Is your friend normally passive aggressive, does she make digs? If the answer is yes then you're guaranteed that's how she's being here. If not, then perhaps she was a bit at the start butthat may well be due to stress from the bereavement.

Tbh,f you think she is a pa person then I'd phase her out now, she's just going to get worse over time. If you don't think she is then Id ask if she's okay.

I think some of the posters in this thread are letting their imaginations run away with them.

I'd take the texts at face value and stop worrying.

Just leave this situation as it is.

I have always tried to be clear on invites - if its a "siblings welcome" party, then I write that on the invitation. If it is just the children named, then just write their name on the invite... Otherwise, there will always be a half-measures thing where some older siblings are there and some not...

Still if I'd been your friend I don't think I would have even told my 9 year old that any of her mates were at the younger siblings' party! I would have just assumed that those older siblings present, were there because otherwise the childcare situations for their parents were unworkable. As was the case.

stickystick, but this is not a family bereavement, it's a child at school who's died.

This text:

"I therefore decide to sent a text before bed, " I really do feel dreadful about Isla, guess I just assumed she would come along if she fancied it. I'm now kicking myself that I did not properly invite her. I know she's still grieving too, hope she's OK, sorry again for my oversight. Love mexxxxx"

... Is, in my view, rather attention seeking. The other mother may be p/a or she may just be in deep water dealing with the emotional fallout of a family bereavement. Whilst she is dealing with this you are asking her to give you emotional reassurance, this during a time where she might be the one who needs that kind of support. I am not surprised she didn't respond to this text, I wouldnt know what to say to that. Why apologise to other mother so profusely? You have the right to invite whoever you like.

Saying that, I think you are both a bit unreasonable. I have no idea why she sent you the messages in the first place and I agree that they are not well thought out. But that's it, it's not a drama, she didn't do anything outrageous and nobody apart from the other mother know what her intentions were. At the same time it could be said that you could have been clearer in your communication regarding who can and can't come to your party.

Does the other mother have a habit of p/a digs?