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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sent me werid text after party!

110 replies

monkina · 09/02/2015 20:29

My DD had 4th birthday party at weekend. A lady from school that I've become quite good friends with ( play dates, trips to cinema, coffee etc) came with her daughter (who ill call Nancy) who is same age.

She has an older sibling 9 yes old (who I'll call Isla) who didn't come to the party. I hadn't formally invited her, but had assumed she would come along if she fancied it.

Anyway, party was a great success, 30 kids, a few older siblings came too, some had texted to ask if OK, & some just turned up, & that was fine with me as I'd deliberately made extra food etc in case. We had a bouncy castle & face painter and everyone seemed happy. Nancy & her mum left smiling.

Next day I get a text to say " just to warn you Isla is planning to a accost you in school yard to ask why she wasn't invited to the party. Am trying to gently dissuade her from this plan but she is sure there is something she can do to be invited next time! Hopefully she'll have forgotten all about it by next seeing you- but just in case!"

I replied to say I was sorry to hear Isla was upset, it was thoughtless of me not to have made it clearer to everyone that siblings were welcome , and will give her an extra special party bag plus some face paints next time I see her.

No reply from friend that afternoon, nor by bedtime. I'm sat feeling dreadful as I know Isla is a sensitive child & has recently suffered a bereavement, so am now thinking I've added to her current upset.

I therefore decide to sent a text before bed, " I really do feel dreadful about Isla, guess I just assumed she would come along if she fancied it. I'm now kicking myself that I did not properly invite her. I know she's still grieving too, hope she's OK, sorry again for my oversight. Love mexxxxx

No reply.

Next day on train into work get text, " Hi , please don't do that- I think it will make her feel worse! She'll forget all about it in a while".

WTF?!!! So I spend whole day feeling awful, confused, bewildered and cross that my friend has offered me no reassurance whatsoever, despite knowing I'm worrying I've upset her daughter!!!

She refused my offer of a party bag via text, saying it will, " remind her she may have missed out".

Can anyone shed any light on this???....why did she feel the need to worry me, & then refused to let me try and make amends?

OP posts:
OhMittens · 09/02/2015 20:56

museum if that's the case, I can't see why the Mum couldn't control her DD either by years worth of "you've not been invited this time, it's

noseymcposey · 09/02/2015 20:59

I don't see any reason not to take it at face value. You did the right thing though, so don't give it anymore thought :)

DoJo · 09/02/2015 21:00

I find it a bit sad that people are attributing so much malice to this situation and are accusing this woman of being unhinged, stark raving mad and overly dramatic on the basis of two texts.

She might have just sent a chatty text to warn the OP that her daughter felt a bit hard done-by after not going to the party! Unless she says or does anything else, I would assume that this was the case and just leave it alone.

BonzoDooDah · 09/02/2015 21:00

I'd still give Isla the party bag - or let your DD give her the party bag and just say "we thought you'd be there at the party and had a bag ready for you. Sorry things got confused. Us grown-ups aren't perfect you know."

Original poster
monkina · 09/02/2015 21:04

That's a nice idea bonzo, I might do that. I'd really like to give her a treat to try and make it up to her, but don't want to annoy my friend after she's asked me not to!

And thanks too DoJo, I am wondering if I've just taken the texts from my friend the wrong way?....she's a bit aloof and hard to get to know, so I'm still unsure as to whether she is pissed off or not?!

OP posts:
OhMittens · 09/02/2015 21:11

dojo I don't read unhinged, stark raving mad or overly dramatic at all, but I do read that it is somewhat inappropriate to have to "warn" another adult and parent that their 9yo daughter is going to "accost" the OP re: not being invited. If she was being jokey or lighthearted she should have said so when she realised OP had taken it at face value.

I would not still give the party bag - the mum has asked you not to so you I would leave it at that. I might say very warmly and genuinely to Isla next time OP sees her something like "sorry you missed out on the party this time, it was all crossed wires - definitely would love to have you at the next party". So she knows.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 09/02/2015 21:13

I'd do what Bonzo suggested. I'd hand it over myself and see if the DD looks confused or not?!

I wouldn't let a child 'accost' you, they'd be told straight that it was bad manners and they would be in serious trouble if they did it. However, it's the type of text I'd send about something else iyswim.

It was rude of her not to reply to your other texts and reassure you that it was ok or to say the party bag would be fab etc.

Is your friend from NZ/Aus?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/02/2015 21:14

I wouldn't be pacifying or rewarding a child who thought it would be OK to 'accost' a grown up, to ask why they weren't invited to a party, and to ensure they got an invite next time - I think that is bloody rude.

Frankly, if 'Isla' wasn't bothered, and this is the mum expressing her unhappiness that other siblings were there and Isla wasn't, it is even ruder - she is an adult and should know that that is rude.

And if 'Isla' did kick off about not being invited, and was seriously planning to accost the OP, then the mum should have told her that she doesn't have a 'right' to be invited to any party, and that she must not be so rude as to interrogate an adult about why she didn't get an invitation.

There is no way I would have been cross that any of my children weren't invited to a party that one of their brothers was attending, nor would I have had any truck with them accosting the party parent in the playground. I would have put my foot down firmly and with finality on that little notion!

Original poster
monkina · 09/02/2015 21:17

No STDGis, friend is from UK ?

OP posts:
noseymcposey · 09/02/2015 21:18

Err no! Please don't give her the party bag after her mother has specifically asked you not to! I don't get the impression that her mum thought it was that much of a big deal... The first text sounds a bit like 'oh you know what kids are like' and perhaps wasn't expecting you to do anything except reply to say you'd be warned!

Perhaps she took so long to reply because she felt bad, that she'd made you feel bad and didn't know what to say to your message?!

So I really think you should just leave it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/02/2015 21:19

That was Chippingin, not me, monkina.

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2015 21:22

Has her mother no control over her own daughter that she thought she'd accost another adult and ask why she wasn't invited to a 4 year old's party? I'd be ashamed to admit that if I were her mother and would be spending the weekend talking to my daughter about her sense of entitlement.

Marshy · 09/02/2015 21:27

Why on earth would you give the child a party bag when her mum has specifically asked you not to? I can only see that making matters worse.

Just leave it be.

clam · 09/02/2015 21:33

I think you've been more than nice enough about all this already.
The 'friend' should have headed her daughter off, not been so rude as to tell you she was intending to accost you. Who does that, apart from someone who secretly approves of the plan?

I'd be keeping my distance from now on, if I were you.

captainfarrell · 09/02/2015 21:36

This mum sounds weird. Even if her child was annoyed and said she would approach you, she should have given her a good talking to about manners etc. You have done nothing wrong and have been extremely nice in your texts. Texts can always be misleading because you can't always read the tone but i think in this case it's not you , it's her!

AmysTiara · 09/02/2015 22:02

Don't give isla a party bag, the mum has said not to. You have done nothing wrong so just forget about it now.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2015 22:22

What the hell is the mum sendíng the texts for, how rude. I would avoid like the plague. At 9, the child should understand that she does not get invited to every party.

LoofahVanDross · 09/02/2015 22:43

Have you heard from or seen the mother since?

Original poster
monkina · 09/02/2015 22:45

Party was this weekend, so last text was received today.

OP posts:
giraffesNeedBigPoloNecks · 09/02/2015 23:16

ignore her!

AddToBasket · 09/02/2015 23:21

Honestly, you didn't get a reply because she was busy. You are way overthinking this. Both she and Isla are fine with it and have completely moved on.

Rinoachicken · 09/02/2015 23:26

[Afingerofudge] are you really advising avoiding people with borderline personality disorder because you dont think they are 'proper friends' ??

StarOnTheTree · 09/02/2015 23:26

Don't give Isla a party bag or mention it again to either her or her rude mother. The party is over, don't prolong this ridiculous situation that your friend has got you into.

You sound lovely OP but I wouldn't imagine that you can say or do anything to make this ok in their eyes.

IsItMeOr · 09/02/2015 23:26

Honestly, I think the text was just a friendly bit of banter.

I think you might be over-reacting - maybe the bereavement has unsettled you too?

And no, don't give the party bag.

AFingerofFudge · 09/02/2015 23:39

No what I was meaning was that anyone making passive aggressive remarks and trying to guilt trip you when you think they're a friend would make me think twice about investing in that friendship. I was putting a context to my situation to explain why I find it hard to trust people in friendships.