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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Controlling Father

41 replies

Worriedworried1969 · 09/02/2015 13:40

My parents live abroad and my Mum has been diagnosed with brain cancer (having a crainiotomy this week).

My Father is very controlling and keeps trying to put me off visiting. I just want to see my Mum before her op - anything could happen and I just want to spend a little time with her. My father says he has got enough to do without me visiting.

I will stay in a hotel nearby and hire a car - I only want to pop in, not stay.

Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 09/02/2015 13:41

Flowers How awful OP.....in your shoes I would not be waiting for permission but would just go. They won't stop you visiting your mother in hospital. You should book and go.

Original poster
Worriedworried1969 · 09/02/2015 13:44

Thank you so much MrsTawdry.

I have already booked and I am going tomorrow. My sister keeps telling me they do not need anymore stress etc.

Just needed an objective view.

OP posts:
Ilovereadingbooks · 09/02/2015 13:46

Just go, you are not going to get in anyones way by the sounds of things., your dad is the one being totally unreasonable. Your mum will need you and you would feel terrible if you don't go. Good luck.

Jackie0 · 09/02/2015 13:48

You don't need his permission. You just go ahead with your plans and make sure you have no regrets.
So sorry you are going through this op.

SuggestmeaUsername · 09/02/2015 13:50

She is your mum. I do not believe you need permission to see her. You want to see her in case this may be your last chance. if you didnt see her and she died, you would regret not seeing her and resent your dad and sister for putting you off. You are not going to cause stress but to offer comfort and love and support

Trickydecision · 09/02/2015 13:50

Of course you should go. Poor Worried, I hope the news of your mum's op is good.

MoanCollins · 09/02/2015 13:52

Bearing in mind your sister has told you not to go too I wouldn't go.

The way you word this..wanting to see your Mum before the op because 'anything could happen'. It sounds like possibly your father and sister are trying to keep things calm and don't want people to start behaving like she's at deaths door (even if she is) because it will upset her. The best thing at the moment may be staying calm and getting on with things practically.

I do totally understand where you're coming from and feel for you desperately, but it is possible that it might unsettle your mother if people start behaving like she is going to die, normality might be the best thing at the moment.

If you really feel you must go, then do go but only for perhaps an hour or two. Could you make up an excuse for being over there? Work or a friends wedding/hen night? Because if you could invent a reason which made it look less like you were worrying your Mum wouldn't make it then it might make it less likely to upset her.

GColdtimer · 09/02/2015 13:53

Of course you shoukd go, so sorry OP. Does your sister live here or there? Is there a back story or is this out of character? When my MIL was ill, the worry made SIL,FIL and DH all act quite out of character and a but irrational.

MoanCollins · 09/02/2015 13:54

Sorry, I think some of the posters who are saying 'Yes you must go, it might be your last chance' are missing the fact that it's exactly that sort of attitude and behaviour that can be very upsetting for people with potentially terminal illnesses.

GColdtimer · 09/02/2015 13:57

I agree moan. When MIL heard her brother was coming from Australia she got really, really depressed.

OP it could be because your dad doesn't want your mum to have the same panic. Is it a long trip?

Original poster
Worriedworried1969 · 09/02/2015 14:01

'Last chance ...' are my thoughts and I have not told anyone. I know my Mum would be pleased to have my support. She is desperate to move back over here but my Father will not. We do not know the outcome until after the operation.

She only has my Dad with her (live a 3 hr plane journey away) and he controls everything. Other than that she is on her own.

I am only going to spend a little bit of time with her as though they lived over here and I was calling in for a coffee etc.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 09/02/2015 14:02

Is your father usually controlling? Or is it only over this? Without knowing him or you then it is difficult to say whether you should go or not. Your father may not be able to cope with your visit even if you stay in a hotel, or it may be your mother that doesn't want anyone there.
You need to speak to your father but ultimately, think what is best for your mum. Only you know del down what that is.

Davsmum · 09/02/2015 14:03

Deep down, sorry,...

Original poster
Worriedworried1969 · 09/02/2015 14:04

He has always been controlling - that is the problem. I have ummed and aahhed all weekend and decided in the end to go. My Mum comes before everyone else and I know she would be pleased to see me even though she is ill.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2015 14:10

Fwiw, based on what you have written, I would go. If you truly feel that your mum will be pleased to see you and welcome the company then go and ignore what your dad says.

DH and I have been on the receiving end of control like this. We both regret not standing firm to this day.

Ilovereadingbooks · 09/02/2015 14:17

Its so sad that your dad is this way making it even harder for you. its horrible when families are like this. I hope your mum will be alright.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 09/02/2015 14:18

Just keep it very upbeat for your Mom. And play down your trip - cheap flight or whatever... So she isnt worried about why you would make the trip, or have her read into it that you are afraid.

Make sure you are great company. Very positive.
And don't worry about your Dad. Perhaps stay out of his way as much as you can.

I had cancer last year. Though not life threatening.
The best hospital visitors were the ones who make me laugh and made their visits enjoyable.

Davsmum · 09/02/2015 14:20

In that case, knowing it is what your mum would want then you should go. You may have to keep out of your Dads way so as not to cause any stress for both of you. I hope all goes well for your mum OP.x

Bambambini · 09/02/2015 14:26

I would go, as long as you are in a hotel and independent so not a drain on him etc.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 09/02/2015 14:29

Stop engaging with him.

And your sister - you have as much right to go or not go, or give your opinion, as she has.

This goes double if your father is controlling (ie abusive!) - it's doubly cruel to refuse your mum the comfort of having you there, if you know she'd like you to be there, ignore him.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2015 14:39

Ignore your twat father, go! Like you said, if anything happens you might regret it. It's your right to see your mum.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2015 14:41

Ignore your sister and father, this is about you and your mum. Nobody has the right to tell you not to see your mum.

Trickydecision · 09/02/2015 14:48

If I were at death's door, and I do hope your mum is not, I most certainly would want to see my DCs and if I were not, I would want to see them anyway.

Just go!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/02/2015 14:50

You do what you feel is right OP, safe trip and don't let anyone feel you are in the way or making a drama.

In similar circumstances my DSis made the same noises but later she told me she was so glad I joined her.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 09/02/2015 14:51

what's your sisters role in all of this
is she already there?