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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Controlling Father

41 replies

Worriedworried1969 · 09/02/2015 13:40

My parents live abroad and my Mum has been diagnosed with brain cancer (having a crainiotomy this week).

My Father is very controlling and keeps trying to put me off visiting. I just want to see my Mum before her op - anything could happen and I just want to spend a little time with her. My father says he has got enough to do without me visiting.

I will stay in a hotel nearby and hire a car - I only want to pop in, not stay.

Am I being unfair?

OP posts:

Original poster

Worriedworried1969 · 09/02/2015 15:34

Nope, my sister is over here too.

She knew more about the scans etc my Mum has had but never thought to let me know. I feel as though I am being given the barest of details about her condition.

OP posts:

LayMeDown · 09/02/2015 15:43

OP mother is going to have an operation for brain cancer. I dont think she will be under any illusions about how potentially serious this is. I think she will certainly grasp that her daughter would like to support her. I dont think there is much risk of the OP's visit making things worse.
Go OP, I know I would.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 09/02/2015 16:02

if you think your mum will be pleased to see you then go but arrive cheery and say that you wanted to wish her well, not act worried (even though you will be ) say you know she would worry if you were having an op and just wanted to see her to give her a boost anything to avoid her thinking she must be dying if the family are gathering round. book a hotel if you can afford so you are out of dads hair unless he is happy to have you stay while mum is in hospital and above all try to get a discussion with her doctor so you are fully clued up with what's going on and what the outcomes / treatments / future symptoms etc might be. good luck and sorry your mum is ill.

yonisareforever · 09/02/2015 16:17

Op its an awful situation, we had one similar and my Dsis was a bloody nightmare.

Her presence would have added 100% misery to the whole situation making it harder for us to keep cheery and happy to visit our ailing relative.

Your dad and your sister are asking you not to go , there has to be back story here.

Do what you feel is right, for your mum, putting your own feelings to one side and putting her first.

Original poster

Worriedworried1969 · 09/02/2015 19:23

Thanks so much for all comments - all gratefully received.

OP posts:

angelohsodelight · 09/02/2015 20:11

You do what you need to do, just in case the worst happens. Be strong and see her, otherwise you could regret it.

MoanCollins · 09/02/2015 20:28

I'm trying to think of a way of saying this without being unkind, and I really hope it doesn't come across like that. I know both my Mum and my Grandad played their cards very close to their chest when they had cancer, they didn't want a fuss and also they didn't want people emphasising possibilities (like they might pass away) before they've had chance to come to terms with things. Your father and sister both seem to be having a more pragmatic response whereas yours seems to be more emotional. I'm wondering which is more helpful to your mother at the moment. Does she need to have people around her who are being strong? I am just wondering because it seems odd that your sister is saying you shouldn't go too and also that they kept the scans from you.

I think you need to talk to your sister and ask her to be very honest with you about why she doesn't think you should go. Do they perhaps think that you will be very upset and that would in turn upset your mother? Are they perhaps trying to protect you both?

If your sister is honest with you perhaps you will be able to make a more realistic appraisal of whether you should go. If you think it's just that they're in denial about the situation go, however if they're concerned it's going to create a situation your mother would find hard to deal with and upsetting I would respect that. Also, given that it's brain cancer have you considered that she may not quite be herself and they are shielding you?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to look at it from all angles and see if they might have a genuine reason.

Original poster

Worriedworried1969 · 11/02/2015 12:28

An update - I have seen my Mother and she was so pleased to see me ... I definitely made the right decision. For anyone in the same position ... Listen to what your sixth sense tells you ... X

OP posts:

WaroftheRoses · 11/02/2015 13:20

Came on to say go-but see you already have! Fantastic! And I hope everything goes well for her operation.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 14:34

Fantastic worried . How was your dad?

wanttosqueezeyou · 11/02/2015 14:37

Good for you!

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 11/02/2015 15:22

That's great!

Original poster

Worriedworried1969 · 12/02/2015 10:27

Thanks so much for all your support - op today so we will see what happens.

Aeroflotgirl - he is being ok, thank goodness. X

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 12/02/2015 13:09

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

Glad you decided to go

SuggestmeaUsername · 12/02/2015 22:46

Well done Worried. am glad you went. you definitely did the right thing. I hope the op went okay

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 23:27

Fantastic op, wishing your mum well

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