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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what he said in his sleep is evidence of an affair?

129 replies

lennon80 · 09/02/2015 09:28

My husband has come back from a business trip this weekend having been in Latin America for the last two weeks. Last night in his sleep he was having a 'sexy dream' and I could hear him say things like 'muy bonita' and groining then he was saying' mi amor, mi amor' (My love).

I woke him up and confronted him, he claims that he cant remember the dream and he thinks the only thing it can be is because he has watched some soft porn in Spanish. What do you think?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 10:57

groining

I think a new MN term has been born Wink

microferret · 09/02/2015 11:00

Weird things happen in dreams. I once dreamt I was banging the hideous ginger troll that is Rory McGrath, and I was enjoying it. Felt like taking a shower with an iron brush in the morning.

Another morning I freaked out DH by whispering "prepare" in my sleep in a very sinister fashion. Still no idea where that came from.

Dreams rarely reflect reality. If your marriage is otherwise strong and not problematic I wouldn't pay it any further thought.

microferret · 09/02/2015 11:05

Also the other night I was snoozing on the sofa and woke up saying "banteddy banteddy, take the banteddy". Have no clue what a banteddy is.

ZingTheGreat · 09/02/2015 11:13

hahaha OP Grin

excellent!

my husband almost broke my fingers once because he had dreamt that he was being attacked.
maybe I should have sued him for assault?
(he was so apologetic, kept on calling all day to make sure I was Ok, even bought flowers!
I did ask him to avoid dreaming about strangling anyone though)

MaudeLebowski · 09/02/2015 11:20

I was has dream sex with a man with no head. Just a severed neck stump - like he'd been Henry-the-8thed!

WannaBe · 09/02/2015 11:20

I was accused of having an affair because I told a friend I loved him in my sleep. apparently it had to be true because I said it and I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't felt it. Hmm do you have any idea what it's like to be accused of something you A haven't done and B, can't defend because you were asleep and therefore don't even remember having said?

I know this thread has become generally lighthearted, but on a serious note being accused like that is utterly soul destroying because you can't even formulate a defence when the other person is adament that it must be true.

let it go op.

Original poster
lennon80 · 09/02/2015 11:50

I have spoken to him and said I don't think he was having an affair - I actually don't think that- but told him to stop bloody watching Spanish language porn in future. Just as a side issue how do people in general feel about husbands viewing pornography?

OP posts:
gemdrop84 · 09/02/2015 11:50

I once kept mumbling George in my sleep, I know no one called George and I wasn't dreaming of George, something completely different. I'll let Dh know he has grounds for divorce! Confused me as much as it puzzled him!! I've had numerous dreams about affairs/loving flings with celebrities, it's only a dream.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 11:54

Re: pornography you will get a mixed response. You will also get people telling you that if you say your H doesn't use porn you are either lying or deluded. You will get people urging to accept it to make themselves feel better about accepting it themselves when it is clear they actually have no choice in the matter

Fo me personally, porn doesn't feature in our relationship. We view it as a harmful extension of the sex industry and even though a lot of internet porn is free at source, somebody somewhere pays

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/02/2015 11:54

I've had sex with countless people in my dreams Blush

I've also nearly died.

I'm. Still here and faithful.

I think watching porn.is ok as long as it doesn't impact the relationship and they want. off to porn instead of having sex with their partners etc

Tobyjugg · 09/02/2015 11:58

There are any number of things a married man, alone and bored in a foreign hotel can get up to. Viewing soft porn on the hotel room TV is one of the more preferable options, I would say.

NowABitShapeless · 09/02/2015 11:58

I speak several languages in dreams OP, I can't speak any (apart from English) in real life.

maras2 · 09/02/2015 11:59

I was lighthearted in my 'Worzel' post but loath pornography for all of the reasons that will now be discussed as always on Mumsnet.I'm out.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 12:05

and I guess women have to be thankful for that, Toby ?

no, thanks

gemdrop84 · 09/02/2015 12:09

're the porn, it never bothered me until it started affecting our relationship, I felt like there wasn't much wooing, I was expected to be up for it just like that and generally felt when we had sex, it wasn't as intimate/loving. Something had changed and he changed towards me, only very, very subtly but enough for me to pick up on it iyswim. I ended up posting on here after a few things happened, we had a talk, and everything is as it should be now. I'm really not sure how I feel about it now but I'm not putting up with that again and he knows it! Hope you're ok op.

hoobygalooby · 09/02/2015 12:11

I was wondering how long it would take for this thread to become a porn debate!!
OP - you are being paranoid. Forget about it and enjoy the fact he is home.
Regarding porn - I don't think anyone can dictate to another person what they are allowed or not allowed to watch. I couldn't give a fig if my DP watches porn, it does nothing for me but each to his own I say.
(but when the MN porn police arrive with their pitchforks that will be translated to mean that my DP is a sexual deviant and I am a deluded fool!!!)

Johnogroats · 09/02/2015 12:13

I've had sex with a few work colleagues...in my dreams. I was mortified when I woke up. I'd be even more mortified if DH had heard me saying their names and I would die if they knew.

I'd would possibly make sense if I found them attractive, but I seriously don't. Makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Not sure that helps OP!

Original poster
lennon80 · 09/02/2015 12:19

I personally feel uncomfortable about him watching any porn 'soft' or not. But I know others will disagree. I feel it gives men very unrealistic expectations in the bedroom :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 12:22

You are allowed to feel any way you like about it, lennon

and if you are being expected to "perform" porn for him, tell him to GTF

microferret · 09/02/2015 12:33

The idea of DH watching porn doesn't really bother me. I watch it sometimes, why shouldn't he? As long as people realise it's only a fantasy I think it's fine. It seems to be more of a problem amongst teenagers whose only experience of sex comes through porn... then they have unrealistic expectations. And that is a big worry, especially for the girls who have to cope with the resulting coercive atmosphere.

That said I'd be a bit anxious about DH watching something extreme and misogynistic, that would bother me. But a man alone in a hotel room with nothing else to do is fairly likely to have a wank and if he wishes to have some accompanying visuals then I'm not about to judge. I don't think it's realistic to expect men to never imagine having sex with someone else. I think it's a very human thing to do. It isn't the same as cheating on someone.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 12:35

lennon, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks

it's how you feel about it that matters

microferret · 09/02/2015 12:36

Mind you as AF said it's up to you how you feel about it. A lot of people have some very sound objections to porn. I certainly have some objections to things DH does which others might find it innocuous for their other halves to do. Everyone's different and your feelings are valid no matter what they may be.

overslept · 09/02/2015 12:51

I once had a dream I was charmed by hannibal lecter, not the actor it was actually hannibal from the films... It wasn't just a fleeting sex dream there was a genuine emotional connection there. Strangely I woke up sad that I wouldn't see him again. I think I had a dream emotional affair with a cannibalistic murderer who doesn't exist...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/02/2015 13:01

When a couple have different views on porn they need to discuss it and agree a compromise.

{Adds 'groining' to lexicon}

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 09/02/2015 13:20

"Another morning I freaked out DH by whispering "prepare" in my sleep in a very sinister fashion. Still no idea where that came from."

Microferret, that is terrifying but made me laugh! One night shortly after I met DH, we were asleep, about 3am he sat up in bed (waking me up) and started screaming "THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE ROOM! GET OUT! GET OUT!!" then promptly fell back asleep. I didn't sleep properly for about ten years...if I hadn't already have fallen in love with him I seriously think I might have ended it, he scared me so much!

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