To wonder how much GPs usually help out

[Ruperta]

We live about 200 miles away from both sets of grandparents so we obviously get along without any help.

SIL (DHs sister) lives about 30 min drive away from PILs and gets loads of help but to the extent that we have begun to think it is slightly odd (although fully aware some of this may be jealously & also therefore being a bit judgey pants)

Just wondering how much you rely on your GPs to get an idea of what is the norm (if there is such a thing!)

PILs look after SILs kids 2 days a week & then have them overnight on the sat night approximately every other weekend. SIL & her husband work full time too so the real judgey pants bit of me thinks they would want to spend their weekend with their kids.

Anyhoo I realise its lovely that they have that relationship with GPs but shouldn't the GPs be doing more with their lives? Is SIL taking the Michael a little? Or is this completely normal if you live relatively close.

I know IABU as they all seem happy with the sutuation but just wondered how it works for others

As was said upthread, I think it can be related to the whole cultural set up- my DPs had loads of support from my GPs on both sides, and I never had paid childcare once I was at school (both parents worked FT). But even once we were adults, my DM visited her DM every day until she died, even though my DM was working c.50 hours per week - and now my parents are divorced and Dad has moved away he still rings his DM daily, and my Mum regularly visits her DexMIL (my paternal GM). Plus my DSis and I had great relationships with all our DGPs because we spent so much time with them

Zero help here either. I didn't have my children assuming I would get help from gp's but I am a bit gutted that dh parents bend over backwards 3-4days a week to provide childcare for his db and wife but when we asked for help before them just 1 day a week we were told they were too Old?!
Mil always goes on about mothers who palm their children off onto 'anybody' (in this case childminder not someone I grabbed from the bus stop) to go to work like it's a choice?! Argh

What DM and DF do for my sister and DN (and have done for the last 8 years)

Share their home with them completely free of charge and pay all domestic bills
Help with school fees
Pay for some after school clubs
Cook, clean, do washing and ironing for both.
Babysit as and when needed
Take DN out
Make DN's breakfast and get her ready for school
Get up with DN in the morning at the weekend so Dsis can sleep in
Take DN to and from school every day
Take DN to after school activities most days
Attend all and every performance of above activities
Take DN away with them for the summer (7 weeks this year)
Essentially, treat her like a daughter.

What DM and DF do for my family
Occasional visits in the school holidays. And even then my Dsis has the cheek to complain and begrudge it!

Actually, that isn't quite fair. DM does lots of other things for us and will be available if we need it. DF does v little though!

Snapespotions Mon 09-Feb-15 08:00:51

For those who are feeling jealous of people with hands-on grandparents, I would point out that it is a two-way street. My DSis hasn't had the same help with childcare that we have had, but equally she doesn't have to support her ageing parents in the way that we do. My mum and dad have both had health issues in recent years, and I have spent lots of time sitting in hospitals with them or helping them with stuff when they haven't been able to do it for themselves - and of course, our childcare arrangements fall through at these times too. As dd grows up and my parents get older, I imagine that the balance of "favours" will shift much more towards me doing stuff for them. Personally, I'm fine with that, but I think it's important to emphasise that that is often the other side of the coin.

Nope, it's already been hinted by my parents and MIL that they're expecting us to pitch in with their care, especially as we live so close by...

Dissapointed could your post be anymore condescending?

I will be amazed if my sister does anything towards my parents care inspite of the help she's had.

My mum was a granny at 37 and people thought my step-dad who was 10 years younger than her was my husband when he nipped into the hospital with some nappy pins for me. My mum had me at just 17 and I was 19 when I had DS1.

I have 5 grandchildren and Im very much hands on/part of their day to day life and I dont grudge my children or grandchildren a minute of my time.

Its how we work as a family and for e.g. I was supposed to have my 14 month old grandson at the weekend whilst his parents went camping but I went down with a bug and it only took one phone call to my eldest daughter and she instantly said I'll tell them to bring him here. They would do the same for her in a heartbeat. Next month I'll have my 8 month old grandson whilst his parents are away for a week and at some point the other 4 will come for a sleep over.

We consider how we live as being very normal and none of us begrudge any time or effort that goes into being there for everyone else.

Chunderella where I grew up late 40's/ early 50's was also the norm for grandparents age. It's not terribly abnormal for women to have babies in their early 20's after all, though maybe it seems like that on MN! I actually feel really sad now I've had DS that my parents are 60 (I know I know, not that old!) because although there was no way I was having a baby before 30, now he's here, I just wish he had been here sooner for everyone! My DM's sister was a grandmother at 51 and although she's never mentioned me getting pregnant before I'm sure my DM would have liked it. I have loads of friends who had babies under 25, and loads who still haven't had any in their early 30's. It's not that weird you get some very young and older grandparents.

PurpleWithRed

Granny! Why do you keep doing it then?

Well its complicated. DIL had bad pnd with 2nd child, son was in new job, long hours and struggling. I was happy to help out. DIL attempted suicide, SS got involved and children placed with us for a time. DIL better but they have got used to not having children all the time. At first I was scared to say no, she had tried suicide while alone with children. Now it just seems impossible to change without lots of hard feeling and of course the children regard this as their home as much as where parents are, well maybe more as they have moved several times but this house has been a constant. DH is terrified that if we say no they will stop us seeing the children for spite. To be fair to them they have never said that, it is just his worry. He is disabled so alot of time sitting alone to worry and they brighten his life so whats not to like.

Of course I am the one who is running round after them, for him it is all pleasure but for me it is alot of work. With teenage years only just round the corner I don't know if they will keep coming so much, I mean teenagers don't really want to be hanging round granny all the time, do they? So I also feel it will be over soon and I will regret it if I don't see them now.

Bit of a mess really.

God just read that, I sound like such a msery. I think I am tired.

My mum was 37 (19 and 18) and stepdad 34... He looks quite young too so very funny hearing DD yell "grandaaaaad" in the supermarket!

She has uncles younger than her. Bit foreign to some on MN but we're happy

My children are 18&20. My parents have never babysat, ever, never taken them out for the day, taken them overnight, for an afternoon. Nothing. Even the day I went into labour with DS2 they couldn't have DS1 because they were too busy painting my brother's front room! It was Christmas Eve!

They looked after my DNiece for my sister all the time. They had her for the first time overnight when she was less than a week old to give my sister a break. After that it was every other weekend until she was 8 or 9. My mum had her everyday when my sister went back to work, they took her for days out, weekends away and on holidays in the UK and abroad. This was extended to both nephews when they were born.

I've gone no contact with my parents now because they refused to have my DC when I had major surgery because they were going to be working, but on the day of my operation they took my sister's children and grandchild on a villa holiday abroad.

PILs aren't much better. They have had our DC for 3 days when I had surgery and moaned every day about it in front of our DC. Yet they have looked after both SILs children and driven the length of the country to look after onto of them because that SIL didn't trust baby sitters. In the Summer holidays they had their great grandchild to stay for a week.

I am jealous and bitter about it. I won't treat my grandchildren like it. I had a lovely relationship with all my grandparents and I am sad my children don't have the same.

I spent loads of time with my grandparents as a child - I always thought it entirely normal, and pitied the friends who didn't have big happy families. Nana had her own room at our house and stayed overnight a couple of times a week, plus did most of our school runs. We also saw various aunties (real ones and family friends) and had sleepovers with cousins etc.

Now I actually live with nana and my parents so my DDs get the full extended family chaos :-D

It's just what you do, isn't it? I know extended families don't HAVE to be involved, but I reckon it's nicer all round if the kids have loads of people involved, we look after each other if we are ill, we all take nana shopping so she gets out, run errands for each other, my sister brings her dog round, we wait in for my sisters internet man, when people move house we do it with a fleet of vehicles, there is always secondhand furniture and kids clothes going round cousins and second cousins and whatever. My friend brought her baby round the other day and basically got her every whim catered for in return for baby cuddles, because babies are brilliant and having the chance to look after them, especially to help someone you love, is brilliant.

It must be really sad to not have family you can be close to and trust with your kids, for everyone. I would be gutted if a sister had a baby and didn't want me to help out, and that's how family works.

I should add, mum was a granny at 44, this is a great benefit of having babies young.

I was very close to both sets of Grandparents going up and love that my boys are close to theirs. MIL does more for ours as she's retired. She has them often if we have nights out and has YS every Tuesday when I work (he does nursery for 2 days a week, too). If we let her she'd do more, she just enjoys being around them.

My Mum has them overnight a few times a year, and takes them out to the theatre and cultural stuff, which they love. She works full-time and is acutely aware that in terms of quantity MIL does more, but the boys adore her regardless.

I fully expect, though, that MIL will rely on us more and more for her care as she ages. SIL isn't very caring or considerate, and stuff like that seems to fall to us. It's a fair pay-off I think.

Both GPS work and live approx 3 hours away, so no regular help (but then, we knew that when we had DS!). However, MiL is driving down to see us this Friday and offering to babysit (yay!), and I have arranged a weekend's stay with my parents later on where DS will be spoilt rotten (whilst DH and myself get an uninterrupted night's sleep in a hotel). Both sets have offered to have him in the school holidays, when retirement looms. I think I am very lucky.

I got really worked up a few weeks ago after reading a thread on here about GPs looking after a little boy 2 days a week while the mum worked part time. People were outraged and saying they must be absolutely knackered etc and how could this woman demand so much of her parents.

My 2 year old is looked after by my mum and my gran, half a day each, 5 days a week. They both work part time, I work full time. I honestly now think its a class thing. We are a "common" working class family. We care for our elderly relatives. We care for the little ones. It took me a while to pull myself together and realise the horror and disgust is coming from bitter people who may be well to do and rich compared to me, but money cant buy a supportive family. We love each other and its not just "free childcare". Its family life. I grew so concerned before after reading some peoples negative views, I even started planning leaving my job but my family were having absolutely none of it. Now I just realise more than ever how lucky I am to be part of my family.

Woolytights I agree!! I've never really admitted how much family help me out because of the MN entitled hivemind. The amount of women shot down and rudely told to pay £1000s for childcare or you shouldn't have had children is crazy! My mum brought us up with help, why wouldn't she do the same for me? And why wouldn't I do the same for my kids and grandkids? It seems completely illogical to me!!

My parents live about two hours away from us. We've not had much help from them (nor they from us). My brother and his wife live close by to them with three young ones so have obviously had a bit more help. I don't resent them.

I think it's great when GPs want to help out but parents should take care to not become reliant on the help (and take the piss...). My DSis seems to be at the stage now that she cannot take her 2 kids out on her own. I can't imagine being that helpless! I take mine everywhere on my own, and occasionally with DH.

PIL are dead and DPs abroad.

DP help whenever we are visiting and often offer to buy things, e.g. the plane tickets for us to visit twice a year (we could not afford it otherwise). They would probably help quite a bit if they lived closer, but have openly said that any regular arrangement would not happen. It would be more of an ad hoc thing, as they want to enjoy their lives and to not be too tied down. Also, DM still works. After all they have had their time raising children, and did it without any help whatsoever.

granny: I feel for you, but I'm sure DIL knows she owes her life to you. At my lowest, when DS was a baby, DPs let me stay for several weeks at a time and helped to take care of him while I finished my essays (was doing a Master's, which actually helped in making me feel like "me" again). I'm immensely grateful for that.

My in-laws regularly left their children with their parents when they were young to go on holiday but have only managed to look after my children for one day whilst DH and I went to a wedding. My mother was equally unforthcoming so effectively DH and I have had almost nil in the way of support in the childcare sense although both sets of GP's have always been interested in their grandchildren, just from a distance!

This experience has made me determined to offer more help to my boys if they have children - a night here or there or even a weekend would have been so lovely, and I think the grandparent/child bond can be a fabulous one, one which I feel my children have missed on.

DH's parents are dead but we see a lot of my parents. My dad comes over once a week for about three hours (he's about 30 miles away). We see a lot of my mum as she is mostly retired and lives nearby. She sometimes looks after DCs for an hour or two if I have some freelance work to do or she comes round and helps out with jobs at home.

I live in an area where it is very common to have GPs helping out. There are always a lot of them at toddler groups and school drop offs and pick-ups. I've met some who have their grandchildren on set days per week. If I'd had my children younger my mum would have been working fulltime (she worked full-time aged 40-60) whereas most of the GPs I see are probably younger than that. She also babysits approx 3 evenings a year and feeds our petss when we are on holiday.

When I was growing up my mum's parents lived 2 hours away and my dad's parents abroad and I would have loved to have seen more of them.

My parents live over 200 miles away. PILs live about an hour away. I feel we have been very lucky with childcare from them. They are both too far away to do anything regular but have been really helpful with more ad hoc stuff. So PILs have our eldest (2.9) to stay overnight about once a month. They have also had him for a couple of nights to allow us to go away for a weekend (twice before we had our second son). My parents have had our eldest when we've gone to weddings and also come to stay fairly frequently when they do a lot with the toddler and help out with house stuff. We go to stay with them a couple of times per year and we also go on holiday for a week with PILs which means we get help with the childcare and a couple of evenings out. PILs also babysit in the evenings from time to time and sometimes pick toddler up from nursery if they are in town for something else.

PiLs did think about doing 1 day per week but they are both busy and I think we all felt it would be too much given the distance. I think that was the right decision for us.

They are all really involved with the kids (skyping, my mum finds oodles of 2nd hand clothes and toys, all haves loads of toys at their houses and special children's beds) and that makes me happy.

I do think that if we lived closer they would be more involved in the day to day childcare. My brother and SIL live a few miles from her parents and they do day to day childcare for both them and their other daughter. My best friend still lives in the rural area where I grew up, and her mum looks after her girls when she works. Inevitably distance is a massive factor, but we chose where we live and have to accept the consequences.