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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how much GPs usually help out

150 replies

Ruperta · 08/02/2015 19:46

We live about 200 miles away from both sets of grandparents so we obviously get along without any help.

SIL (DHs sister) lives about 30 min drive away from PILs and gets loads of help but to the extent that we have begun to think it is slightly odd (although fully aware some of this may be jealously & also therefore being a bit judgey pants)

Just wondering how much you rely on your GPs to get an idea of what is the norm (if there is such a thing!)

PILs look after SILs kids 2 days a week & then have them overnight on the sat night approximately every other weekend. SIL & her husband work full time too so the real judgey pants bit of me thinks they would want to spend their weekend with their kids.

Anyhoo I realise its lovely that they have that relationship with GPs but shouldn't the GPs be doing more with their lives? Is SIL taking the Michael a little? Or is this completely normal if you live relatively close.

I know IABU as they all seem happy with the sutuation but just wondered how it works for others

OP posts:
LovesBooks · 08/02/2015 21:32

DisappointedOne that is pretty judgemental of you. Her daughter could have all sorts of reasons for having her child stay overnight at nan's that young and nan is very willing by the looks of it. Not every mother slips into motherhood and if you are struggling and extremely sleep deprived then why would you turn down a night of full sleep. 2 nights away from your child does not make you a bad parent Shock

foreverton · 08/02/2015 21:35

I'm also in Liverpool and where I live it is very much the norm for grandparents to have the dc a lot. Not in our family though!
My parents are divorced and my dm works full time and has a great social life. Offers to babysit once the time has passed!
Df is re-married and has step grandchildren to stay all the time:(
Pil are fantastic at buying us and dc things but have said to all of their dc that they will not have the dgc to stay.
So we've not had a night out in about 5 years.
I had visions of gp's falling over themselves to babysit:)
The upside is we rely on nobody though I wish things were different.

Birdsgottafly · 08/02/2015 21:36

Birdsgottafly, that's just about the saddest thing I've ever read. 2 nights away from mum and dad in 7 weeks? Why did your daughter bother having a baby?""

She's BF on demand, so the baby is pretty much glued to her, her bond is strong, she uses a sling, not a pram, even.

A baby is happy as long as her needs are met, so two nights out of 28, is neither here or there, at this stage.

She is a well loved and cared for little girl, by all the family.

We are all qualified in child psychology and development, as well.

madamginger · 08/02/2015 21:40

My mil does all my childcare and has done since I went back to work after dc1, she's amazing. One evening she brings them to my house and gives them dinner until my dh gets home and on Friday she takes them to hers for tea.
She lives 10 minutes away, she often comes for a brew on the weekend too. My dh is an only child and our 3 DC are her only grandchildren, I very much love that she's in their lives.
My mum on the other hand lives 5 minutes away and rarely sees them, she was really involved when they were babies but she's lost interest now Sad my sister just had a baby and she's always at her house.Hmm

StickLady · 08/02/2015 21:41

Disappointedone you've had a very sheltered life if that's the saddest thing you've ever read fgs!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/02/2015 21:45

0% GP help

Both live within a distance of 2 miles max. None have had DC for sleepovers. Eldest is nearly 7, they've had their other DGC overnight though. MIL told me that mothers help their DD - so basically she might as well have said 'sod off DGC you have the wrong mother'. Completely their loss.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2015 21:45

Yes Birdsgottafly, what was your DD thinking having a baby in such a nurturing and supportive family?? Grin

foreverton · 08/02/2015 21:47

Sticklady- you took the words out of my mouth:)
Sad that a tiny baby is being lavished with love by her (very willing) nan and her mummy can have a well deserved break?, I've heard it all now!

Birdsgottafly · 08/02/2015 21:47

Also, I'm a former CP SW so lucky you that a Mum being given a break by her willing and more than able Mum, is "the saddest thing you've seen".

I'm not from UK background, though, the idea that new parents struggle (sometimes to breaking point), new Mums are isolated, elderly people, also, is a strange one.

I grew up with the concept of extended hands on family, as did our previous generations.

nancy75 · 08/02/2015 21:53

My parents would have DD every day if I wanted them to. They probably have her every couple of weekends - usually it's not because i'm going out it's because they love having her over to stay.

I'm lucky and have a school hours job, when she was little and I had a different job they looked after her the 2 days that I worked and also if we wanted to go out on a Saturday night.

Most years DD goes away with them for at least a long weekend, last she they took her to Spain for 2 weeks - she loved it! Their relationship really is brilliant, my parents are youngish grandparents (they are 60, dd is 10)
I find it comforting to know that if dp and I couldn't look after her for some unimaginable reason she would be totally fine staying with my parents.

My inlaws live in Australia - they are not so much help! (they are lovely though and would love to be able to see her more)

Madmum24 · 08/02/2015 21:54

I really can't wait to be a grandparent, and I really hope I can offer the kind of support that you are birds and that my children accept it

anothernumberone · 08/02/2015 22:09

Birds you sound like an amazing GP. If my kids did not have 4 of their own I would be trying to poach you. The relationship my children have with all their GPs is very special and something we really value. My Mum has a very large number of GC and another on the way and she has a similar relationship with them all, through through proximity she sees ours more. Dh's parents only have ours. It is fantastic for the kids to have another perspective on the world.

myotherusernameisbetter · 08/02/2015 22:17

This all makes me quite sad - not from the "I didn't get any help" point of view, but from the fact my children have really missed out on having Grandparents in their lives.

I come from a large family - we all get on but we aren't close. My two are the only ones of my my mum's grandchildren who don't have any other grandparents. She is quite infirm and has been for most of their lives, she isn't well off but tends to slip them the odd fiver or so when we visit as she feels guilty that they only have her which is ridiculous as it is clearly no more her fault than it is is ours :(

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 08/02/2015 22:33

My parents still work although if I ask far enough in advance my mum can arrange her shifts to help out. Obviously no good in an emergency apart from the odd occasion when her shift has fallen fortuitously.

They have them overnight once every 3 months I think. They also have my sibling's kids at around the same kind of frequency.

if circumstances were different they'd probably do more.

maras2 · 08/02/2015 22:56

We live close to our DD and DSIL and DS and DDIL.We are now retired so are able to give 3 days free child care per week.We are also 'on call' for poorly days if DGC's are too unwell for nursery or school.We're happy to help as the nursery fees are so high.DS and DD's in laws help out too.It's no hardship,they're lovely kids and their parents are very grateful.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 08/02/2015 22:56

We've never had grandparents around.
For those with good relationships with grandparents close by. Treasure them. You are so very fortunate.

maras2 · 08/02/2015 22:58

We're happy and no hardship < flipping auto correct> Grin

ANewMein2015 · 08/02/2015 23:06

I would like to adopt some grandparents. My husband and I have never had a night away from the children and less than 5 evenings away in 6 years....

I'd love for them to have some close relationships with extended family. We really struggle for hospital appointments (especially giving birth to no 2) hair appointments etc all have to be done when both parents are around.

I find the idea of a night away every week really odd and wouldn't want that - but thats probably simply as its culturally alien to me.

RebootYourEngine · 09/02/2015 07:15

My parents annoy me with this. They will have my sisters children at the drop of a hat but if I ask them to babysit I get quizzed on where I'm going, how long will I be, they do everything to discourage me from going out without my dc.

Smearyglass · 09/02/2015 07:21

My parents live hours away so do nothing.

Ex MIL lives 30 seconds around the corner. She picks the kids up from school twice a month and drops them to ex DH an hour later.

She talks a very good talk though.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/02/2015 07:28

We get no help from my DM because she's not really capable or my DF who is too far away. My PILs babysit about once every 3 weeks and do occasional weekends (once a yearish). But they are constantly looking after my SILs 3, overnight, during the day, for a weekend, for a week or so at a time. Nothing regular but lots and lots. But my sil needs the help (jobs with v. Irregular hours often at short notice, with traveling and not that well paid). They find it hard work, but prefer the hard work and lots of access to the gentler time they get with ours but not seeing them as much.

ocelot41 · 09/02/2015 07:35

Not a lot here - PiL live thousands of miles away but always offer to babysit one or two nights if they are visiting (but then we feel bad accepting as we want to see them and so rarely get to do so). My parents are closer but getting on too much to really manage small children alone. That said, my DSis had kids way before me and they didn't help then either. They are very open about seeing it as time to put their feet up, which is fair enough. Although a little odd as my G and G helped out regularly.

flanjabelle · 09/02/2015 07:40

I dont really get much help. My dm has had dd probably five times for a couple of hours in 16 months. Those situations were where I really needed to be somewhere (hospital appointments etc), not just for me to have a break or anything. Dds other grandparents are not suitable to have dd so no help there. My dm loves dd, but it's not her job to provide regular childcare

iwantgin · 09/02/2015 07:42

Minimal from my DS' grandparents. He is a teen now, so it doesn't matter - but as a young baby - despite me being a LP - I had to really ask for childcare favours sparingly. Luckily I had paid childminders who were very flexible, as was nursery.

My DP live about 10 minute drive away.

WhatismyLife · 09/02/2015 07:43

even though my DC have loads of grandparents, only their great grandparents on DPs side actually live close and take an interest in our DC.

But they are in their 70s and obviously can't cope with our 1 and 3 year old for very long. They have them for 2 hours every Sunday and occasionally during the week if I have a doctors/dentist appointment ect.

We live rurally and its a minimum 45 minute drive to get anywhere so although we have 2 hours free time every week, DP and I can't actually go out together. Can't wait until DC2 is old enough to stay with a paid babysitter!

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