To wonder how much GPs usually help out

[Ruperta]

We live about 200 miles away from both sets of grandparents so we obviously get along without any help.

SIL (DHs sister) lives about 30 min drive away from PILs and gets loads of help but to the extent that we have begun to think it is slightly odd (although fully aware some of this may be jealously & also therefore being a bit judgey pants)

Just wondering how much you rely on your GPs to get an idea of what is the norm (if there is such a thing!)

PILs look after SILs kids 2 days a week & then have them overnight on the sat night approximately every other weekend. SIL & her husband work full time too so the real judgey pants bit of me thinks they would want to spend their weekend with their kids.

Anyhoo I realise its lovely that they have that relationship with GPs but shouldn't the GPs be doing more with their lives? Is SIL taking the Michael a little? Or is this completely normal if you live relatively close.

I know IABU as they all seem happy with the sutuation but just wondered how it works for others

Paternal GPs live a mile away, both retired and do no childcare/babysitting unless we're absolutely stuck and even then it's at great difficulty. They've seen DD2 once this year.
In contrast their DD is due a baby this month and when she goes back to work they're having baby 5 days a week. I can see what little genuine interest they show in our children disappearing.
My surviving parent lives 280 miles away so we see them school holidays only generally.

My mil lives 2 hours away and regularly looks after them once a month for my work or babysitting. (We have babysitters and a childminder, but she likes doing it and it's good for the DC too). If we were in a bind she would be there in a flash to help out. She has them for 2 nights/3 days probably 1-2 a year during the school holidays. She comes and looks after them for a night or two maybe once a year to let us go for a mini break (and buy us a bottle of sparkly that turns up in our room or at our table at dinner!).

My parents live abroad and suffer poor health nowadays. When my first DC was born they came over and planned to camp for 2 weeks to see us, and ended up staying over 3 months to help out (life saver!). And stayed for a prolonged period to help when my other DC were born. When we go to visit they make sure to chuck us out of an evening and babysit, give us breakfast in bed while they take the kids to buy croissants!

I do appreciate them and know we're very lucky....

I am 42 and quite a few of the girls I was at school with are grandmothers.
Some of their gc are the same age as my youngest son :)

My DS had three living grandparents. My FIL and my patents who are divorced. All three of them work full time.

My FIL lives on the same street and he pops in maybe once a fortnight.

Both my parents live a 30 minute drive away and they see DS about once a week. Sometimes they come over here and other times I take DS over to see them.

Although none of them can provide regular childcare I know that in emergencies they would all take a day off work to help out if we asked.

Pil live 70 miles away, my mum lives100 miles away (oopposite directions). I get no childcare help from them. When they were babies mil would buy occasional outfits throughout the year that were handy. Now, nothing. We aren't rolling about in money and a few little bits and bobs wouldn't be turned down. Hopefully will remember this when/if I am a gp.

Absolutely nowt here. My parents are both dead and MIL wouldn't so much as lift a finger to help. Even if we are really stuck, even in an emergency we are on our own. There's never been a single evening of babysitting in 13 years, never mind weekends or sleepovers. It's unusual for round here. When I've had to cancel appointments as I'm at home with a puking child I get complete disbelief from receptionists and a barrage of questions. The docs were the worst when I had to cancel a smear test, they had more than 24 hours notice but the receptionist just kept repeating "there must be someone" over and over again. No. There isn't. Not when dh is working away.

But other kids in the family? Weekends, overnights, afternoons so their mum can have their hair done or shop. Even holidays. All fine. But a couple of hours for us? I asked once and was called a selfish bitch for even thinking she would.
I don't want or expect regular stuff but sometimes it would be nice to have some help when you're struggling or in some emergency

My fabulous MIL offers to babysit every time she phones - has done so about once a month, to let DH and I go out for dinner. She's coming to stay for a weekend shortly, while DH goes away on a stag do, to give me a hand. She's absolutely brilliant, and drives 160 miles round trip to do this. I adore her, and I tell her often. She has mobility issues, so I wouldn't ask her to have DD overnight alone etc.

My Dad is less hands on, but I reckon will babysit when DD is older - he's not v confident with babies/nappies etc.

My mother is rubbish, but that's another story.

My FIL is overseas, so can't do anything, but sees DD when he's in UK, and we are going to him for summer hols this year.

I'm incredibly grateful for what I get, and vow to be as available as I can for DD when she has babies.

GPs all alive, but DM lives 400 miles away, DF and step mum live abroad and DH's parents are 100 miles away and too elderly to do anything much. DM does help loads when she comes to visit.

When I go and visits mum I'm always amazed what a huge childcare burden many GPs take on. Many of my DM's friends do some childcare 5 days a week. One of DMs friends is recovering from breast cancer and still does 5 days a week after school for three GCs

My PIL offered to look after our Dc1 in advance of when I went into labour with DC2. Fabulous, we said, thanks. They only live round the corner, so that was great. Obviously, they knew my due date. I I went into labour on my due date, stayed at home for the first few hours, had a bath etc. DH gave them a call to let them know and basically say that he would be on his way round with DC1. DPIL announced that they'd got their dates mixed up, and that they were off away for the weekend in a couple of hours! Which they did do. DSIL, who is wonderful, had DC1 overnight whilst DH and I were in hospital. Dc2 arrived the next day. The day after that, DPIL visited us in hospital with tales of their weekend away.

I don't rely on them, for obvious reasons.

my mother hasn't seen us since the 4 year old was 1.
she's never met my 2 year old.

their father has no contact with any of his birth family, so none there.

my fiance's parents (step-grandparents, though they filled that role prior to me getting together with their son) have looked after my eldest for a week at short notice when I was rushed into hospital when he was 8 months old, looked after him for 4 days when I was in hospital to have his brother, and they've looked after both of them about 3 times so we could do major shopping without boring the kids silly. Oh, and they picked the 4 year old up from school at short notice when an emergency happened. They live a 20 min drive away.

by contrast, they have their grandson 3 or 4 days a week (including nursery drop-offs) for the afternoon session, overnights at times, and weekends when his mother has stuff to do.

I'm not sure what's normal, as a result!

It definitely isn't just about age, my fantastic gp were in their 70s when we came along and used to have us to stay and take us on holidays. Health of course is a more limiting thing.

Hiawatha....

Only1, I know, I know. I cannot think about it too much, or talk to DH about it, as I get the rage. Nobody refers to it. Thank god for my wonderful SIL (DH's sister).

Chunderella - although I still can't get over being considered old enough to be a grandparent (which I technically am) I think that all sounds rather lovely.

My husband is away an awful lot and I do everything on my own - we aren't particularly well off at all and live in an area where many do have family locally (which is a headfuck of mine as where I used to live I was one of the youngest...) and i think what you describe is a much better quality way of life.

It's not the mn university/career/high income/good education/children later mantra but I think not needing 2 incomes and having family to share day to day life with woudl be worth so much more.

My parents don't help at all and I actually prefer it that way.

My DPs parents used to help my SIL loads. Her DS was their first grandchild. They never helped us at all when our DCs arrived and soon stopped helping SIL after the arrival of ours. Which I sometimes feel a bit as we never had the help SIL did but I soon came to realise my DPs parents probably didn't want to look after 3 children or something along those lines. And that's fair enough.

I think it's lovely when grandparents want to help out though.

Help is not just babysitting though is it?

My DP & DPIL help us loads, in loads of ways. They love our DC and make time to chat to them about what's important to them. They listen to me or to DH when we're worried about an issue to do with the DC, and offer advice if we ask them. DFIL is a fount of knowledge when it comes to DIY/household repairs. DM is a retired teacher so I ask her advice about school stuff. DMIL sends the DC sweet little postcards which really brighten up their day as they love getting post. Both sets of GPs have given us cheques in the past to save for the DCs future. Above all ll they give the DC the sense that they are part of a wider family, and are loved and valued outside the narrow confines of their own nuclear family set-up.

We moved a couple of hundred miles away so no regular baby sitting/childcare

My mum and dad do come down and visit us quite often, and we go back to visit every couple of months - both GPs live within a couple of miles of each other so we stay with my parents and visit DH's parents while were there (my parents have enough room for us to stay, MiL has a gorgeous but tiny little cottage and hates our dog so we can't stay with her).

The inlaws have never looked after them (their choice) but my parents always insist on taking the kids out for a day/look after them in the evening so they can spoil them silly we can get a break whether they're visiting us, or we're visiting them. MiL has only been here once and then we only spent a couple of hours in their company. They're just not interested.

My parents find it quite hard being so far away I think, so they're always trying to pay for stuff. They can't physically spend any more time with them so want to help out in other ways. We get lots of little presents or letters and postcards in the post from them, they Skype, etc

I used to be a bit with MiL. SiL is also a couple of hundred miles away and MiL will drop anything to look after her kids but she can barely be bothered to speak to ours on the phone, let alone spend any actual time with them, but I can't be arsed anymore. Her loss.

DH is 39 and a couple of his old school friends became grandparents at 35/36 grandparents (some more than once). He's horrified.

I was 10 years older than my mum was having me, so she was a nice appropriate 55 when DD was born and dad was in his early 60s.

well, if the average girl starts her "child bearing years" at 12 now (so I'm told), the maths are simple. aged 24 you theoretically could be a grandparent. Aged 36 you could be a great grandparent, aged 48 a great-great grandparent, aged 60 a great, great, great grandparent...

(I told a friend this when she was freaking out that 51 was "too young" to be a grandmother...)

I am almost 40 & a couple of my year group at school are grandparents.

Personally, my DPs are both dead as is FIL. DD (3) does have one GM left whom she adores - but MIL is 80 & not up to looking after an active 3 year old alone.

I think it's lovely when children can be so close to their GPs & see them lots. So long as the GPs are doing it because they want to & not because they feel they have no option.

I thnk she was used to thinking of her parents' generation as grandparents.

for contrast, I'm 40 and my eldest is 4... my mother was 64 before she became a grandparent.