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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed about this again!

34 replies

babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 17:20

Had a thread a while back about how PIL had decided to withdraw childcare that they had agreed on because they were helping SIL out with her baby.

Fair enough , all sorted . Moved on .

Well I do night shifts now as easier on childcare but If I happen to do a Saturday night shift OH works every other Sunday so I may have to stay up after my shift till he gets home at 4.
Again this is not a problem really as DS naps still in the day so I nap when he naps then go to bed for a few hours when OH gets home.

Well basically I have just found out that the PIL are looking after step DD on these Sunday's for OH ex!
She is not at work (she doesn't work) .
She hasn't just done a 12 hour nightshift (see above) .
She just likes to go to the pub on a Sunday!

I'm just a bit miffed about it all! It feels like they have something against DS !
I just don't understand what!

OP posts:
Original poster
babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 17:21

Im shattered and have been up for 36 hours so sorry if not making much sense!

OP posts:
douchbag · 08/02/2015 17:27

Why do people feel that it's the in laws job to babysit they are your children your choice to have them so childcare is your issue uabu

Original poster
babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 17:28

I don't feel it is their laws job! They don't provide any of my childcare .

The issue is the preferring the grand daughters over the grandson!

OP posts:
Original poster
babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 17:29

Their laws job? Bloody auto correct ! Inlaws job!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/02/2015 17:29

yanbu

MrsGeorgeMichael · 08/02/2015 17:30

it's their loss OP
i wouldn't give it a second thought - it will eat you up inside
you know you do it all yourself and shouldn't feel guilty in the future when you have to say NO to PIL's

expatinscotland · 08/02/2015 17:32

YANBU, but you need to let it go. Sad, but that's just how it is.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 08/02/2015 17:32

I can understand that it must make you wonder if there's a problem when they are happy to help other people out but not you.

Of course it is entirely true that they don't have to help you if they don't want to, but it is a shame that they don't want to, given that they are happy to help others. It must be hard not to take it personally. They aren't saying that we do not wish to take care of children, they are saying we do not wish to take care of your children. It's understandable that that bothers you and you wonder why. I think anyone (or most people) would give at least a moment's thought to why.

But since there's really nothing at all you can do about it, you have to find a way to be ok with it. You'll just drive yourself nuts trying to work out why they say yes to others but no to you.

Can you afford someone to come and sit in the house with the kids for a few hours on alternate Sundays while you sleep?

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2015 17:33

It's probably as simple as the ex just coming across as more needy and less organised on the childcare front than you.

SorchaN · 08/02/2015 17:33

I can see why you're annoyed. Is there any way you can get out of the Saturday night shifts?

I don't know what the issue is with your in-laws; maybe they feel aggrieved that their son is no longer married to his ex and they think that you're some kind of interloper. Maybe they don't understand what's at stake. Maybe they're less comfortable with babies than older children. Some in-laws are just plan weird.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel miffed, but it sounds like they're unlikely to change. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't bother having much contact with them.

LittleBrownRabbit · 08/02/2015 17:34

Perhaps it's the only day they can see SGD? I think you're reading too much into the situation as you're exhausted. Have you mentioned to the ILs that you're now working nightshifts and struggling when your OH works every other Sunday? You also sound quite bitter about the ex wife. Her child has as much right to see her GP's as yours. I feel sorry for your Ils tbh.

yellowdinosauragain · 08/02/2015 17:34

Have you even asked them? If not they may well think you're fine. You even said in your op that because ds sleeps it's fine.

Also it may be one of the only ways they get to see their dgd.I don't think you can extrapolate that they prefer their granddaughters without talking to them about it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/02/2015 17:37

You won't be able to fathom them or change them, but just make sure if they ever ask you for anything, that you tell them to feck right off.

(I had a Hmm with ILs that I asked them to watch DS for a couple of hours - they already were looking after DN- but FIL was "too busy" . I was pg and had driven 8 hours to get to them Hmm . I just thought F.U. )

Off to find previous thread.

26Point2Miles · 08/02/2015 17:37

Would you even want them to look after your DS knowing they feel this way about him??

No? No,neither would I..... Let it go

Original poster
babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 17:40

They have step DD every Saturday and then OH has her Sunday's when he is it at work and sees her Saturday evenings at the ILs.

They were not married - don't see why that would be an issue . ILs apparently hate OH ex .
I do too as she tried to tell me to terminate my pregnancy with DS as OH had no right to have any more children as it was important that step DD was an only child and should continue to be treated as one . But that's a whole other issue.

It's not really the childcare issue that's bothering me to be honest - it's the favouring of the other grand children and I'm not sure if I want DS to see that growing up IYSWIM.
I suppose I'm thinking about maybe going NO contact with them with regards to DS as he has plenty of loving family on my side .

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 08/02/2015 17:41

Maybe it's the only way they can keep a relationship going with your SDD? Sounds harsh on you - but you've shown you can cope. Smile

Original poster
babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 17:42

I had to change from day to nights because they had agreed to do a small amount of childcare then decided to change their minds just before I went back so that they could all sit and watch SIL breast feed DNeice .
[bitter]

OP posts:
Micah · 08/02/2015 17:46

Have you actually asked if they can have dc on Sundays for a few hours? Do they realise you struggle on Sundays?

My pil are like this. They bend over backwards for sil and dh's ex.

I think it's because they see sil as a "lone parent", but the kids are 14 and 15 so don't technically need childcare or dropping/picking up from school.

The ex I think they have some sort of need to still be liked by her. Again I think they see her as needing help as a divorced mother (not taking into account she had an affair and moved om in before moving dh out...). They've said a couple of times that OM "can't be expected" to stay in with the kids if she wants to go out. Despite ex wanting PR for new man, and putting him as guardian in her will, over dh.

So dh is way down on their priority list as, well, he has me to look after dc.

People are strange.

Original poster
babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 17:56

I haven't asked no.
But it was made very clear that they would not provide any childcare for DS as they were far too busy looking after SIL.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 08/02/2015 18:04

Is there any reason you think they wouldn't want to look after their own daughter?

LIZS · 08/02/2015 18:10

So you are expecting pils to somehow know that you might need childcare without asking Hmm. Maybe if you/ dh asked if they might help on the occasional Sunday you might get a more positive response. Could they not have both ? Was there any guilt associated with the split with ex that it might mean they feel more obliged to help or otherwise wouldn't see gc?

CrispyFern · 08/02/2015 18:13

Maybe looking after your SD is not such a chore if she's older and looks after herself more? So they're too tired from commitments with your DN to do any more babysitting little ones, but an older kid is easy?
It's probably not maliciously meant, I imagine.

tiggytape · 08/02/2015 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
babyiwantabump · 08/02/2015 18:17

Ex is more than happy for anyone to have step DD whenever they want.

They know about the Sunday's I just don't want to ask because they made it very clear they do not want my DS.
Plus I'm coping anyway. That's a non issue .

The issue is not the childcare! It's the favouring of the other grandkids.

Would I BU to go no contact because I just see it getting worse as he gets older and I don't want him to see that. Or feel some how insignificant compared to the female grandkids .

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 08/02/2015 18:19

The issue is not the childcare! It's the favouring of the other grandkids.

But you also resent them helping their daughter out when she gave birth. Do you think that maybe your multiple resentments make them uncomfortable?

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