Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to think of a solution so that DS can go to his friend's party.

85 replies

MicroGerry · 08/02/2015 17:09

NC because this will out me.

DS (5) has really struggled at school and last year got a dx of ASD. After a massive meltdown we fought to get him into an amazing special school, and he's really blossoming.

For the first time, he's made a friend! And for the first time, I don't feel like a pariah at the school gates, and this joy may be overclouding my judgement somewhat. I've joined the school's parents' Facebook page and have got to know a few of the mums quite well on there.

DS's new friend is having his birthday next week and he's invited three friends (with adults) to go swimming with him. One of these friends is my DS! I'm so thrilled for him!

But I also have a 2yr old and a 12 week old DS, who I am breastfeeding and can't leave as I am unable to express. DH has flatly refused to take DS1 to the party :(

He says it will be weird and uncomfortable with people he doesn't know. I know too that he is self conscious about his body (he has a hairy back :D). I am a bit cross with him secretly as he hasn't made an effort to get to know any of these parents, which I have suggested a few times, and there are just as many dads as mums in the group. But DH is not much of a joiner in and only likes his own friends and that's it.

I could go in the water with DS myself (despite having not got back into shape after having DS3 I might add!) but that will mean bringing DS2 and 3 with us and I can't supervise DS1 and 2 in the water alone as DS1 is unaware of dangers and DS2 is ... well ... 2!

We don't have a lot of family around, only DM who can't swim and who will be at work that day. I'm wracking my brains trying to think of a solution to this. I haven't told DS anything about the party at all, so I could just make an excuse, but I don't want to! I want him to have fun with his new friends damn it!

Can anyone think of a way round this?

OP posts:
Sister77 · 08/02/2015 17:10

Tell your DH to put his sons needs first.

CMOTDibbler · 08/02/2015 17:10

Tell dh to put his big boy pants on and get on with it.

rocketeer · 08/02/2015 17:12

Where are you? I'll take him myself!

MrsGeorgeMichael · 08/02/2015 17:12

assuming DH isn't going to "step up" is there a local teenage boy you could pay with you in the spectators bit??

AnyFucker · 08/02/2015 17:12

You get in the water and dh watch the other two on the side of the pool

your baby can manage without a feed for an hour, yes ?

do you express milk ?

DisappointedOne · 08/02/2015 17:13

Tell him to man up, and if he's bothered about his hairy back to get it waxed. What a giant man-child.

PervyMuskrat · 08/02/2015 17:13

Could DH look after DS2 and DS3 in the foyer whilst you go swimming with DS1?

supermariossister · 08/02/2015 17:13

tell dh to stop being an arse and take ds to the party, we all do things we don't really want to sometimes for the benefit of others especially our children.

PotteringAlong · 08/02/2015 17:13

Tell DH to stop being a twat. Problem solved.

Bowlersarm · 08/02/2015 17:13

You and DH go to the party. You go in the pool. DH looks after the other two.

littlesupersparks · 08/02/2015 17:13

If tour husband is not going to do it he needs to come with you and stay close by with other children - you feed just before you get in and just as you get out - if he is left holding a crying baby it's his own bloody fault. If baby is inconsolable he does have the option of getting you out and at least your son will have attended part of the party.

howtodrainyourflagon · 08/02/2015 17:13

Dh looks after ds2, you take ds1 and baby to pool but don't swim?

Or dh puts on big boy pants...

PtolemysNeedle · 08/02/2015 17:14

If your DH doesn't want to get in the water then that would be fine, but couldn't he sit in the cafe or on poolside with the younger two? That way, you're there to bf if you need to but you can still take ds1 in the water.

Or leave both younger ones at home with DH, and let the baby have some formula. I know that's not ideal when your trying to ebf, but you have the needs of the whole family to consider, not just the baby.

JoandMax · 08/02/2015 17:15

Would DH be able to come and look after the 2 little ones outside/nearby while you go in with DS1? Try feeding the baby just before the party and hopefully he will last til it's finished before needing a BF again!

I can understand you desperately wanting him to be able to go, it's a huge deal and so lovely for your DS to be doing so well and happy and settled.

Although if it was me I'd be having rather harsh words with DH about growing the hell up......

ShootTheMoon · 08/02/2015 17:15

Pleased for your DS, how lovely :)

Your DH needs to think about his son first and what this will mean for your son. He is being incredibly selfish. He could wear a rash vest or get a wax ffs.

Only other suggestion would be that DH looks after the other two in a cafe or nearby park while you take DS in the water? Or chat to the parents and say that DSL would love to come, but you need to be at home with other DCs so could one of them supervise in the water if your DH deals with changing rooms etc?
Hope you can figure something out. I would be fuming with your DH.

nocoolnamesleft · 08/02/2015 17:15

Your DH is being a tosser. You could always offer to wax his back....

bananapickle84 · 08/02/2015 17:15

I kind of think that your DH should get over it but saying that my DH would feel a bit weird about going swimming with people he didn't know, especially if they are likely to be Mums.

Could all of you go to the swimming pool? Your DH look after the 2 yr old and 12 week old in the cafe while you take your 5 yr old swimming? You could then feed if you needed to just before going in.

Coconutty · 08/02/2015 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rooberoobe · 08/02/2015 17:17

I'd be annoyed but if he won't he won't but it's such a shame for your son to miss out.
Could your DH take the younger 2 somewhere nearby? Like if there is a soft play or something near or in the same place? Take DS2 there and keep DS3 with him then he could help DS1 change post swimming whilst you sort yourself and Ds3 if needed and supervise ds2?!
Long winded totally unpractical but at least then DS1 gets to go?

BrieAndChilli · 08/02/2015 17:18

Could he wear a surf top or similar to hid his back?

MrsCakesPrecognition · 08/02/2015 17:19

Whole family goes to pool. DH looks after non-swimners while you take your DS in the water.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2015 17:20

Is it just me thinking that the solution is really quite simple ?

op, does your husband also refuse to take care of his own children ?

I actually wouldn't be bothered about him not wanting to get in the water...but is there more to it than that ?

FindMeAPixie · 08/02/2015 17:20

Tell your DH that there is not a single parent in the world (OK maybe a slight over-statement) that would feel "comfortable" doing it. But it is what you do. Especially given the history. He needs to man up - in either one way or another. I think he is being incredibly selfish.

Have you asked him if he can see a solution?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/02/2015 17:20

Ok, if the leisure centre has somewhere you can sit and watch, I'd go with DS1 and leave DS2 & 3 with DH in the spectator seats. Feed DS3 before you get changed and hope he lasts the party (is this likely given current feeding patterns?). Possibly controversial, would you be happy for DH to give DS3 a bottle if you could express? Would you consider an emergency carton of formula in a bottle on this occasion?

Alternatively book DH into a beauty parlour for back waxing... problem solved Grin

Another idea would be to decline the swimming invite but instead invite birthday boy and parent(s) to play at the weekend or after school.

Kbear · 08/02/2015 17:21

go on Amazon and buy DH a rash vest that surfer's wear - perfectly natural to wear at a pool. I think posters slating him for being self conscious is a bit harsh so present him with a solution and he'll surely go for it - he'd probably enjoy taking his son swimming. My son wears his all the time in the pool, keeps him warm he says as well as being a self conscious teen.

Swipe left for the next trending thread