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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to think of a solution so that DS can go to his friend's party.

85 replies

MicroGerry · 08/02/2015 17:09

NC because this will out me.

DS (5) has really struggled at school and last year got a dx of ASD. After a massive meltdown we fought to get him into an amazing special school, and he's really blossoming.

For the first time, he's made a friend! And for the first time, I don't feel like a pariah at the school gates, and this joy may be overclouding my judgement somewhat. I've joined the school's parents' Facebook page and have got to know a few of the mums quite well on there.

DS's new friend is having his birthday next week and he's invited three friends (with adults) to go swimming with him. One of these friends is my DS! I'm so thrilled for him!

But I also have a 2yr old and a 12 week old DS, who I am breastfeeding and can't leave as I am unable to express. DH has flatly refused to take DS1 to the party :(

He says it will be weird and uncomfortable with people he doesn't know. I know too that he is self conscious about his body (he has a hairy back :D). I am a bit cross with him secretly as he hasn't made an effort to get to know any of these parents, which I have suggested a few times, and there are just as many dads as mums in the group. But DH is not much of a joiner in and only likes his own friends and that's it.

I could go in the water with DS myself (despite having not got back into shape after having DS3 I might add!) but that will mean bringing DS2 and 3 with us and I can't supervise DS1 and 2 in the water alone as DS1 is unaware of dangers and DS2 is ... well ... 2!

We don't have a lot of family around, only DM who can't swim and who will be at work that day. I'm wracking my brains trying to think of a solution to this. I haven't told DS anything about the party at all, so I could just make an excuse, but I don't want to! I want him to have fun with his new friends damn it!

Can anyone think of a way round this?

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 08/02/2015 17:21

You take baby and DS1 in the pool, DH takes the middle one somewhere nice on his own?

Or he takes them both but stays somewhere nearby so you can give the baby a feed when you get out of the pool (doubt you'd be in the water more than an hour max)?

ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 17:22

You have 3 children. Your DH is going to have to stop being such a cockwomble about socialising with other parents as there are going to be a lot of birthday party invited over the years.

Tell him that it's not 'all about him' now. He has three children to consider before his 'can't be arsed' attitude.

Idiot.

If you can't get him to grow up before then, leave DC 2 at home with him, take your mum to mind the baby. Feed the baby as much as you can before it starts & hope it sleeps through. If not, nip out and feed the baby. I'm sure one of the other parents can keep an eye on DS for you, but if not he will have to nip out with you for a bit.

But honest to god, DH is going to have to grow up and stop being such a selfish fuck.

hopful · 08/02/2015 17:22

Could you call the pool and see if they have a swimming teacher you could pay to go in with him. Or his teaching assistant.

Or ask birthday mum if she has anyone that would go in, a relative or babysitter.

Can you ds swim? Used to the water?

MrsMinton · 08/02/2015 17:23

Tell him to wear a board top and put his child first.
Alternatively he sits in the cafe with the others while you take your DS in the water. His children to so he needs to do his share. You'll be an hour in total in the water so he surely can manage that???

Bluepants · 08/02/2015 17:25

You take ds1 in the water.

Your dh stays home with ds2.

Your mum comes to the party, bringing your baby along so that you can do a feed if necessary. Should be ok if you feed baby just before going in pool.

gamerchick · 08/02/2015 17:26

Yep either way he's going to that party I think.

He watches the other 2 at the side of the pool or at home. You can get round breastfeeding as a one off.

You have to take him.. The one party my youngest got invited too he had a proper coat hanger grin.

amicissimma · 08/02/2015 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 08/02/2015 17:27

I think the people saying "just tell him to do it" don't really help, because if the oP's DH refuses still, she's still got no solution. I would have another chat with him, suggest a rash vest,then ask him how he can see a solution to this? Because DS1 missing out on his friend's party isn't acceptable to you and you'll never forgive him if he doesn't help find an acceptable solution.

My suggestion would be you all go, your DH has DCs 2 and 3 in the foyer/cafe (most pools have a cafe) for the party - if DC3 needs a feed, he comes to get you. But point out that he's more likely to have to make small talk with other extended family of the birthday boy that way who'll also be sitting out, if he's in the pool, he'll just be slashing about with DC1 and not actually chatting to anyone. And this means that everyone has to go, rather than just him and DC1.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2015 17:31

I hope he wouldn't slash in the water Smile

KindleFancy · 08/02/2015 17:34

At age 5 isn't is 1 adult to 2 dc in the pool?

Could you ask one of the other mums who are going anyway to take your ds in with them...you could get him ready in the changing rooms and take him straight off Her when they come out. Not fun to do with a 2 year old and baby, but the changing part would be doable.

Original poster
MicroGerry · 08/02/2015 17:34

Excellent ideas, thank you so much everyone. Also secretly pleased that most people seem to agree DH is being a bit of a twunt about not wanting to go in.

Typing this quick while he's in the shower, but have suggested he takes DS 2 and 3 to the nearby park while I swim and this didn't go down too badly! Have just realised that the swimming will be spearheaded by friend's dad rather than mum so that might give me an opportunity to work on DH over the next few days. Fingers crossed the dad isn't some bronzed Adonis when we get there or I might never persuade DH to take the DSes swimming!

Will also look at rash vests, have never heard of them before! Thank you for all your help everyone!

OP posts:
LovesBooks · 08/02/2015 17:39

Tell your oh he is being a arsehole and he will be taking his son to his first party. Or he can wait on the sidelines with the two younger 2 while you go in the pool. I think it is ridiculous that a dad would not do it for his son given the history.

Ineedacleaningfairy · 08/02/2015 17:39

I'd leave the 2 little ones in the cafe/local park with dp and take the older child myself. My breastfed son is also 12 weeks old and I have left him with dp for about 2 hours a few times, I make sure he has just had a really good feed and he is sleepy, dp then put him in the moby wrap and the baby goes to sleep.

Your dp is being very selfish putting his embarrassed feelings before your child's feelings. No one likes public swimming, but your not there to impress people with your beach body!

wheresthelight · 08/02/2015 17:42

O have a massive sympathy for you and dh! y dp is super conscious of his body as he has put on a fair bit of weight over that last 18 months as he gave up going tp the gym to help out more when dd was born. he loathed the idea of taking dd to her swimming lesson when I was too poorly to do it but I pointed out that a) 13 quid was a lost to waste because he didn't want his moobs on display and b) I had exactly the same worries as a lardy lady getting in the water with lots of yummy mummies who were mostly all size 10 max.

you can't just tell someone with self image issues to "suck it up" if he was anorexic would you be giving the same advice?!

op the park idea sounds like it will work well or maybe a bit of subterfuge with the other mums and get them to persuade their dh/dp's to go in the water as a good chance for the dad's to bond may be on order

SoupDragon · 08/02/2015 17:56

I think people are being a bit harsh on the DH given he is self conscious about his body. There are other options such as him looking after the other two.

Tyzer85 · 08/02/2015 17:58

People telling the DH to man up are being quite harsh, I'm self conscious especially when I'm half naked in a pool with strangers so I do sympathise with the DB.

I'm glad that a solution may have been found.

Tyzer85 · 08/02/2015 17:59

DH not DB.

FindMeAPixie · 08/02/2015 17:59

But it is OK for the OP to suck it up and get her body out 12 weeks after giving birth. She has to but he doesn't?

Tyzer85 · 08/02/2015 18:01

Thinking about it there was a similar thread a few weeks ago only it was the mum not the husband who didn't want to go and people were telling the mum not to go.

FortyFacedFuckers · 08/02/2015 18:05

I agree that DH (or dm) could wait in the spectators bit or nearby with baby & you can feed just before & after if needed.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/02/2015 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 08/02/2015 18:13

OK, so come at it from the angle of it being about your son.

So, either you go & he looks after the other two (could you express enough?)

He goes & you have the other two.

Or you all go & he stays nearby with the younger 2.

I assume that Op taking son & baby in water wouldn't really work as she is supposed to supervise her son.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 18:13

He says it will be weird and uncomfortable with people he doesn't know. I know too that he is self conscious about his body (he has a hairy back :D). I am a bit cross with him secretly as he hasn't made an effort to get to know any of these parents, which I have suggested a few times, and there are just as many dads as mums in the group. But DH is not much of a joiner in and only likes his own friends and that's it

^^ it's what is making him a selfish twat. Not, not wanting to get in the water. He's made no effort to get to know the other parents, at all. Neither did he suggest other options, which, if it was just about getting in his bathers he could/would have.

It shouldn't be the OP coming up with various solutions and him being 'just about ok with it'.

They have a son with ASD who is now in a great school and is making friends. He's finally been invited to a party and his Dad us just 'Nah, I'm not doing it.' Really?? If things go well their DS is likely to go through all of his schooling, and beyond, with these kids and their parents. The DH needs to get his head out of his arse.

cheeseburgerandfries · 08/02/2015 18:18

DH has 2 options

1- take DS to the party

Or

2- watch the other 2

end of discussion, he sounds horribly selfish and I would not put up with that.

SoupDragon · 08/02/2015 18:23

But it is OK for the OP to suck it up and get her body out 12 weeks after giving birth. She has to but he doesn't?

No, she doesn't have to but she said that she could. There is a huge difference.