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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to think of a solution so that DS can go to his friend's party.

85 replies

MicroGerry · 08/02/2015 17:09

NC because this will out me.

DS (5) has really struggled at school and last year got a dx of ASD. After a massive meltdown we fought to get him into an amazing special school, and he's really blossoming.

For the first time, he's made a friend! And for the first time, I don't feel like a pariah at the school gates, and this joy may be overclouding my judgement somewhat. I've joined the school's parents' Facebook page and have got to know a few of the mums quite well on there.

DS's new friend is having his birthday next week and he's invited three friends (with adults) to go swimming with him. One of these friends is my DS! I'm so thrilled for him!

But I also have a 2yr old and a 12 week old DS, who I am breastfeeding and can't leave as I am unable to express. DH has flatly refused to take DS1 to the party :(

He says it will be weird and uncomfortable with people he doesn't know. I know too that he is self conscious about his body (he has a hairy back :D). I am a bit cross with him secretly as he hasn't made an effort to get to know any of these parents, which I have suggested a few times, and there are just as many dads as mums in the group. But DH is not much of a joiner in and only likes his own friends and that's it.

I could go in the water with DS myself (despite having not got back into shape after having DS3 I might add!) but that will mean bringing DS2 and 3 with us and I can't supervise DS1 and 2 in the water alone as DS1 is unaware of dangers and DS2 is ... well ... 2!

We don't have a lot of family around, only DM who can't swim and who will be at work that day. I'm wracking my brains trying to think of a solution to this. I haven't told DS anything about the party at all, so I could just make an excuse, but I don't want to! I want him to have fun with his new friends damn it!

Can anyone think of a way round this?

OP posts:

waithorse · 08/02/2015 18:51

Hope ds enjoys the party.

Hakluyt · 08/02/2015 19:02

Why all this "secretly cross" and "typing while he's in the shower" and "working on him" stuff?

You need to sit down like two grown ups and talk about how your child gets to go to his party. Children's needs should come before adult's wants.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2015 19:04

like I said up thread, it sounds like there is much more to this than the h's embarrassment about a hairy back

skylark2 · 08/02/2015 19:08

How long is this party and how far away?

I'd feed DS3 immediately before leaving, and leave him and DS2 with DH. He's way past being a newborn - surely he can go three hours between feeds, or have a bottle/cup of formula just this once to keep him going?

littlejohnnydory · 08/02/2015 19:11

If dh really won't take ds swimming then you take ds and baby while he takes the middle one out somewhere. I'm breastfeeding a 12 week old and wouldn't be able to leave her even if it is just for an hour so I do sympathise. I also sympathise with your dh, I'd hate to go swimming with a group of parents I didn't know but I'd do it in this situation, so should he.

littleleftie · 08/02/2015 19:17

DH sounds like a selfish arsehole.

However, since this party is really important to you and to DS, I would be reluctant to leave responsibility for the successful completion of it to DH as he is apparently not bothered about DS happiness. I think your solution is going to have to involve DH having the younger two whilst you take DS to the swimming - otherwise there seems to be too high a chance that DH will deliberately on purpose fuck it up.

Purplepoodle · 08/02/2015 19:43

All the male swim instructors in local pool wear rash vests - they we all shapes and sizes.

mynameissecret · 08/02/2015 19:47

Yours DS NEEDS to go! Your husband NEEDS to man up with you on side / in cafe etc or you'll need to go in pool with him waiting at the side.

Viviennemary · 08/02/2015 19:50

Your DH can come along. You can go in the water and come out if your baby needs to be fed. I don't agree with feeding in the water but I'm not going down that road. Or could you get a friend to come along and look after your other DC's.

SoupDragon · 08/02/2015 21:13

Would you be calling the OP an arsehole if she didn't want to go in the pool due to body issues?

HedgehogsDontBite · 08/02/2015 21:19

My first thought was that your DH needs to just get on with it for his son's sake. But on reflection it might not be so simple and I think people are being a bit hard on him. ASD runs in families and with that in mind, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that your DH's reluctance to mix with other parents is connected to your son's condition.

Hakluyt · 08/02/2015 21:30

"Would you be calling the OP an arsehole if she didn't want to go in the pool due to body issues?"

Yep.

BirdintheWings · 08/02/2015 21:37

Yes, Hedgehogs, my first thought too was 'when your child has ASD, look at his parents.'

That doesn't excuse him from going. But could it explain why he's making such a big deal out of it?

BirdintheWings · 08/02/2015 21:38

In our DS's case, it's probably more 'look at both his parents...'

BMO · 08/02/2015 21:43

My DP wouldn't want to go to the swimming party either, but he would look after the other kids.

You won't be in the water for more than an hour. The baby will be fine in a sling with a dummy with his dad in the cafe/at the park.

rookiemere · 08/02/2015 21:45

I agree your DH is being a bit of an ass, but I can see that going to a pool party and meeting parents you don't know whilst in your swimming trunks could be a bit overwhelming.

Our friend's DH has always been a bit of a downer about going to Center Parcs - we go as a group about once a year. Turns out he was very unhappy about being in the pool area as he has a skin condition and is a lot happier to go now he has a swim vest thing.

Hope you can find a compromise.

WipsGlitter · 08/02/2015 21:49

On a totally separate note, I'd hate to have to go into a pool at a kids party. What a stressful, stupid idea for a party.

Lepaskilf · 08/02/2015 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/02/2015 22:04

Possibly not a v helpful post, but is there any way that you can reassure your dh that there's nothing wrong with a hairy back? He doesn't need a rash vest, or a wax. He just needs to accept (and be proud of) his body as it is. For what it's worth, he'd see loads of hairy backs at my local baths - no one bats an eye-lid.
Anyway. Slightly off topic. Hope ds enjoys the party!

foreverton · 08/02/2015 22:07

As a mum to a ds with asd I can appreciate how massive this is to you!
I think you need to ask your dh to step into his son's shoes for five minutes and think about the absolute bigger picture.
This isn't just a party to you and your ds, it's the start of feeling like he's "included" and that feeling is priceless.
Ds was invited to his first sleepover in year 6 (he's now in year 7) and I was more pleased than him, (and I cried). This is a big deal.
Please do everything you can to go as I'm sure you will, I feel like your dh is being selfish:(
I'm sure everything will work out fine, have a lovely time!

SistersOfPercy · 08/02/2015 22:21

I'd not heard of a rash vest before so googled it, one of the first results was a pool which stated 'rash vests are not allowed' so anyone reading this thread as I did thinking 'ooh that's a good idea' would probably be best checking with their local pool first.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2015 07:25

"Would you be calling the OP an arsehole if she didn't want to go in the pool due to body issues?"

Yep.

Well, aren't you lovely and sympathetic. I bet you tell anorexics to go eat a Big Mac too.

bigbluestars · 09/02/2015 07:30

Yes your OH is being an arse.

Why not take the baby into the pool too?

raffle · 09/02/2015 07:37

That was my first thought too hedgehog

Iggly · 09/02/2015 07:42

I wouldn't like to go to a swim party and would think of all sorts of lsme excuses why not. As would my DH. But we would go regardless!

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