To ask you to think of a solution so that DS can go to his friend's party.

[MicroGerry]

NC because this will out me.

DS (5) has really struggled at school and last year got a dx of ASD. After a massive meltdown we fought to get him into an amazing special school, and he's really blossoming.

For the first time, he's made a friend! And for the first time, I don't feel like a pariah at the school gates, and this joy may be overclouding my judgement somewhat. I've joined the school's parents' Facebook page and have got to know a few of the mums quite well on there.

DS's new friend is having his birthday next week and he's invited three friends (with adults) to go swimming with him. One of these friends is my DS! I'm so thrilled for him!

But I also have a 2yr old and a 12 week old DS, who I am breastfeeding and can't leave as I am unable to express. DH has flatly refused to take DS1 to the party :(

He says it will be weird and uncomfortable with people he doesn't know. I know too that he is self conscious about his body (he has a hairy back :D). I am a bit cross with him secretly as he hasn't made an effort to get to know any of these parents, which I have suggested a few times, and there are just as many dads as mums in the group. But DH is not much of a joiner in and only likes his own friends and that's it.

I could go in the water with DS myself (despite having not got back into shape after having DS3 I might add!) but that will mean bringing DS2 and 3 with us and I can't supervise DS1 and 2 in the water alone as DS1 is unaware of dangers and DS2 is ... well ... 2!

We don't have a lot of family around, only DM who can't swim and who will be at work that day. I'm wracking my brains trying to think of a solution to this. I haven't told DS anything about the party at all, so I could just make an excuse, but I don't want to! I want him to have fun with his new friends damn it!

Can anyone think of a way round this?

I wouldn't like to go to a swim party and would think of all sorts of lame excuses why not. As would my DH. But we would go regardless!

I think Iggly has it. For everyone. Or what everyone really should. For the OP's DS sake the DH needs to step up and do something. Just a blanket refusal, a slopey shouldered shrug just doesn't cut it.

Back waxing :)

I would ask one of the teaching assistants at his school if they wanted to earn a few extra pounds and take him to party, lots of parents at my sons school do this as the teachers are used to the child's ways and you can do and watch with the other kids, that's what I would do and your husband needs to man up and be a father to your son, it's not about him it's about your boy, hope you sort it, I'm much happier now my boys at a special school and the mums and dads get on well

""Would you be calling the OP an arsehole if she didn't want to go in the pool due to body issues?"

Yep.

Well, aren't you lovely and sympathetic. I bet you tell anorexics to go eat a Big Mac too."

Has there been any suggestion that the OP' s has "body issues" beyond those that most of us have about wearing a swimming costume? Nope. So in the absence of any knowledge to that effect, then yes, an adult who is no prepared to put themselves out and suffer a bit of embarrassment to give their child what he needs is an arsehole. Particularly as he has refused to go to the party at all - even to look after the other two while the OP admirably overcomes her concerns about swimming costume wearing.

I'm pretty self conscious about being in a swimsuit but I could probably just about do it.

DH also has a hairy back. I can't stress how self-conscious he is about it (he's in pretty good shape). He's up for anything and everything with DD - but not swimming (men aren't allowed to wear tops in our pool - though a burkini is fine ). Have you ever read the snidey comments about men with hairy backs on MN? DH knows all about what so many people think about it.

So I think calling the DH an arse and a twunt is merely showing people up as being utterly unempathetic. Because he's self-conscious about something that most people have no issue in being bloody rude about, and is shy as well. But it sounds like some people have given some good ideas as to how to make this work.

(Frankly, I can't understand why any parent thinks a swimming party with non-swimmers is a good idea. I binned an invite that DD got for a swimming party last year, and talking to friends, they all agreed that swim parties were a no-no until the kids could go in by themselves. I'm not stripping off in front of a bunch of parents I barely know - I don't want to see them and I don't want them to see me!)

I agree with RiverTam.

Thanks everyone. DH has a pretty good body, but in addition to the hairy back thing, he's self conscious because he's really big. Not as in fat, just really tall and broad shouldered. Think Bluto from I really love hairy men but he assures me I am in the minority.

We are both quite introverted and I find small talk hellish, particularly in a noisy place like a pool as I am slightly hard of hearing. But I'm going to do it for DS and I am disappointed that DH doesn't feel this way too.

I also tried on my swimsuit last night and I need a new one! It's way too small, especially with crazy breastfeeding norks! If we were grading bodies, mine is much "worse" than his at the moment.

Yeah, I probably should be more confrontational with him, but we went to hell and back last year with all the stuff surrounding DS1's school place and I am worn out with confrontation at the moment. And he would not be happy that I was discussing his hairy back on MN either :D

I'm sure DS3 will be fine for an hour or so in the sling, he's going for longer between feeds now and DH will just have to suck it up if he won't do the pool.

Thanks everyone for your help and suggestions, you are a bloody lovely lot.

Oops, a "Popeye" got lost there!

As an aside, you can tell him there are just as many of us who have no issue with hairy backs.

I hope it all goes ok for DS's sake.

You are still going to need to get DH sorted about taking the kids to parties & socialising with the other parents. It's going to be very important with. 3 children, especially for DS when he has SEN. He simply cannot leave it all up to you because 'he doesn't want to'.

Also a lot of mums at my sons school bring the party to school, as its sometimes hard to arrange as a lot of kids come in by bus(sorry Katie Hopkins) and we don't know the parents but il take in a cake and candles, going home bags and helium balloons the school are really cool about it and the kids love it they have birthday time at the end of the day play some music and do the cake instead if circle time, it's really lovely