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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

999 replies

middleschoolmuddle · 07/02/2015 23:23

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

OP posts:
Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 18:35

If I had a job that paid 20-30K I could pay DS's fees out of my income. I just can't manage to get one, I am trying.

OP posts:
Cantdecideondinner · 08/02/2015 18:35

Sucking jelly into Ribena excuse typos

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 18:36

Can't, he's one of 3 having extra classes for level 6 maths, that's how he's worked it out.

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jeee · 08/02/2015 18:37

Cautionary tale from my childhood:

Mother: 'Oh, I could never send my children to that school - I'd rather go down on my hands and knees and scrub floors.' (That school, by the way, was the school I went to.... and the mother said this to my mother - which was a bit insulting).

In reality, though, she made her husband take out three jobs to try and pay the fees - and he ended up pilfering the petty cash and lost his job. Unsurprisingly, the marriage failed.

You can't afford private fees. And it sounds like your DH has realised this.

W0rldCrashing · 08/02/2015 18:38

flogging dc is far too little to notice thankfully. And all the parents are lovely - there's no snobbery about money.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 08/02/2015 18:38

20-30k jobs are hard to find. What are your qualifications, how long have you been a SAHM? Even if you find something at minimum wage, that will be something. Start off small and work your way up.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 18:39

Plant, she's know what it's like to change schools and she also knows it's our decision and we will only do what we think is best for the greater good. I've encouraged her to be honest about how she feels so that we can deal with her fears head on and reassure her. Given a choice she would like to stay put, unsurprisingly.

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Cantdecideondinner · 08/02/2015 18:40

Level 6 isn't that high, there will be plenty at level 6 on coming into year 7, our state primary, requiring improvement had 26 out of 60.

Christinayang1 · 08/02/2015 18:41

I understand that you want to give your Dcs the "best" but I think it is worth taking some time and thinking about what " best" is. Our ds was at fee paying school and we recently moved him...not because of finances but because he was being bullied and the school didn't handle it well

However now that we have put him into a local state school I do really appreciate the extra money. I have cut my hours at work so I can pick him up from school every night, we have booked a nice family holiday and we no longer feel like the poor relation. The uni fund will also feel the difference!

Most importantly he is happy....don't assume that private is best. Decide how you want to live as a family and work towards that

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 18:44

DH is very protective of my CV and is discouraging me from applying for things that may not look good.

I'm fairly well qualified not that it counts for much. I was a SAHM for 10 years. I have had a few interviews and I did turn down a job (working for an academic who was stuck in the middle ages). That may come back and bite me on the bum.

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Pooka · 08/02/2015 18:46

Dd's comp year 7 has 8 maths sets as is 8 form entry.

In dd's top set all the girls got a level 6 and/or v high cat scores. About half have targets in the level 7 range, I.e. 7b/7c for end of year 7. The remainder have 6a target.

Yes, is a big school. But in a big school in a non grammar area (barring a couple of superselectives with no catchment as such) the lack of top slicing means that there's a true range of ability and the school can cater accordingly.

Top set English, most have targets in high 6s. Languages, is mostly 4c for top sets (bearing in mind they are new subjects).

I simply cannot see that she would do better in terms of academic achievement in another school, and in terms of lots of netball teams and varied clubs, she's well served too. No, there isn't much playing of I capture the castle on the green, or being serenaded in the dining hall. But those things wouldn't really make her happy, unlike the stuff she does in and out of school that actually means something. And I would baulk at paying £8k a year for those 'enrichments'.

Given the middle school thing, I think your best bet would be to move near to the good comp, and give your dcs the gift of local schools, easy journeys, relaxed parents and no hamster-wheel.

Christinayang1 · 08/02/2015 18:47

Take what work you can to get back out there. I was a sahm for four years, it took me a year of doing a couple of ok jobs before I really got back into my career. Don't be so hard on yourself and you really need to think if all this pressure is worth it. Yours dcs need a loving stable home not two parents strung out trying to pay school fees

Hakluyt · 08/02/2015 18:49

Sounds like you have the same attitude to your employment that you have instilled in your children about their schooling..............

TheWordFactory · 08/02/2015 18:49

Out of interest, do these pupils with level 6 plus, all attain a at GCSE and A/A at A level.

A non selective state school with an A* rate of almost 50% is exceptional!

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 18:54

give your dcs the gift of local schools, easy journeys, relaxed parents and no hamster-wheel

It sounds so simple Pooka. Maybe it's where we live, very desirable apparently (in the top 3 or something) but the people around here are very inward looking. The head of DS's primary went to the school she's head at! It's also v. difficult to recruit decent teachers into the state schools here (especially science and maths ones) according to the head of our catchment comp. No one wants to come here and we are pretty far down the LA league tables which I guess doesn't help.

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Christinayang1 · 08/02/2015 18:57

If you are going to continue with fees then I doubt very much that you can afford to be protective over your cv....particularly after a 10 year gap

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 19:00

I'm just embarking on a new piece of work for a colleague's company that will help with the CV and may lead on to other things, but nothing full time and permanent, just from one contract to the next which isn't easy if we want to pay school fees out of my income.

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TheWordFactory · 08/02/2015 19:01

So just out of pure nosiness OP, how did you think you would afford this?

I get that you wAnt the best. We've had our DC in private from reception. But we took the precaution of earning a fortune ...Grin

grannytomine · 08/02/2015 19:01

My daughter went to the local state school. She went to a good uni where another student tried to convince her that she was at a disadvantage as he had had a private school education. She pointed out that she had 4 As at A level and 2 As at AS, no A* at the time I think they came in the following year. He had 2As and a B so she couldn't see how he had got an advantage. He got angrier and angrier about it so I guess debating wasn't something he was familiar with.

3 years later she had a first and he didn't.

TheWordFactory · 08/02/2015 19:04

granny it's a shame she met a dick head.

But please let's not pretend that the privately educated are not at an advantage on life!

I work at Oxbridge and am heavily involved in the widening access scheme; we don't do it because there isnt a problem!

CinderellaRockefeller · 08/02/2015 19:04

Hakyult - I imagine the conversation goes something like this.

Child "why don't i have any siblings?"
Parent "because more children weren't the right thing for our family, we're totally happy with just you"

Not sure why you think it would be an issue to often wonder about to be honest :)

Floggingmolly · 08/02/2015 19:05

You'd refuse less than perfect employment opportunities to protect your CV?? I'd have thought protecting it entailed getting something (anything) more up to date than 10 years ago on it.
You sound very precious, really. Wanting all the good things in life without getting your hands dirty in order to pay for it...

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 19:06

TheWord, we hoped for superselective from the offset, bought a house that would give them an OK commute to either that or the good private.

We gave them a fighting chance, but they are not super bright which isn't surprising with us as parents.

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TheWordFactory · 08/02/2015 19:07

I'm an only child.

My mother told me that our financial circumstances were bad and that she wanted the very best for me which meant she needed to concentrate our resources Wink.

Seems eminently sensible.

Kundry · 08/02/2015 19:07

But you getting a £20K job doesn't solve your problems - you have 3 DC, not 2. Yes you may be planning state 6th form but then there's uni after that.

I also think your DS would have been in for a shock at the school - no scholarship, he wouldn't have been top set material there.

I think you have massively overvalued the use of equity in your home as well. It's no use to you if you can't spend it or generate income off it. Being collateral for a loan on your mortgage isn't helping you as the mortgage repayments are becoming astronomical. Drawing down on a mortgage is a very expensive way to borrow.