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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I'm pregnant - WIBU to ignore and tell no one?

81 replies

PurpleCorsage · 07/02/2015 22:25

(I've name changed but been on here for years)

I have two children, and thought I was on the same page as my DH in saying that if I were to 'accidentally' fall pregnant it wouldn't be the worst news ever.

I haven't been on the pill or anything since my second child, and have just been timing sex to be at the least fertile times. Until last month when we were drunk and it was bang in the middle of my fertile window. It took a long time to conceive my second child so I wasn't overly worried.

But now my period is 6 days late when usually like clockwork, I have sore breasts and pains in my lower back that I remember from before. I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.

Today while shopping I was going to bring up to my DH that I might need to get a test, but a person walked by with baby twins and I said how cute, and he basically said poor them. How glad he is we're done with babies and the PND I suffered with after my second child did him in and he would never want to go through it again.

I said if I found out I was pregnant I wouldn't consider not having it, and he said that we would be on total opposite sides of that argument.

So now, I'm thinking I'm just not going to take a test, just wait and see and let time go past and be one of those people who 'discovers' their pregnancy really late. Then there's no argument, no horrible decision...

I appreciate this makes me sound like a psycho. But I'm actually thinking of doing it. I didn't buy a test. I didn't say anything.

OP posts:

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 07/02/2015 22:27

Does he know you are not on the pill?

Original poster

PurpleCorsage · 07/02/2015 22:29

Yes, he knows we were supposed to sort something out. But up until recently with one co sleeper and one terrible sleeper it was the least of our worries.

OP posts:

JaneFonda · 07/02/2015 22:30

I feel so sad for you, that you are so worried about your DP's reaction that you feel you need to hide your (potential) pregnancy.

Contraception is as much his responsibility as yours, and if he is so against another child, he should have worn a condom.

afreshstartplease · 07/02/2015 22:30

I would take a test, you need to be under a midwife if your pregnant for your sake and babies
He helped make the baby (if there is one) and he needs to get over himself and deal with it

BitchBags · 07/02/2015 22:31

I'm so sorry you feel you have to hide it, that must be horrible not being able to speak about it to anyone :( could you maybe wait a few weeks and 'remember' your period is a month late.
If dh did not want another baby then he should have taken precautions also. As the saying goes it takes two to tango!
P.s congratulations on your pregnancy

Haffdonga · 07/02/2015 22:32

Sounds like you wouldn't mind another baby and frankly if your dh knows you aren't using any contraception but doesn't want another he is a selfish idiot.

BitchBags · 07/02/2015 22:33

^^ I clearly didn't rtft properly! I blame it on my own pregnancy brain!

Rosieliveson · 07/02/2015 22:33

He might change his mind once he hears the news. My DH was a bit wary but really excited when it actually happened. Good luck

Original poster

PurpleCorsage · 07/02/2015 22:35

Don't get me wrong, he's amazing. He's the best dad to our children and almost single handedly raised DC2 for the first six months while I had PND.

But this being dead set against another child is a complete surprise to me.

If I 'found out' around 20 weeks then there is no decision, and I'm sure he would be shocked but happy.

I sound crazy. I know.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 07/02/2015 22:35

Are you saying that you fear your Dh might try to pressurise you into a termination ?

FarFromAnyRoad · 07/02/2015 22:35

I also feel sad for you but given that you might be pg and you are minded to go la la la not listening (and fair enough, I employ this tactic (with mixed success!) for many things) - but are you thinking through all the potential scenarios? Do you think he'd leave? Would you want him to? Could you be talked into termination against your will? So much to discuss - so sad that you have to keep it all in.

KristinaM · 07/02/2015 22:35

Sorry x posted with far

mortil2 · 07/02/2015 22:38

I think I would be tempted to say nothing as well. Perhaps not the right answer for everyone. People say all manner of things when not confronted with all the details. It's not as if you had aserious discussion abouthe children at the time.

WiIdfire · 07/02/2015 22:38

Whatever you decide to do, could you consider taking a bit of folic acid? Just in case. Wont hurt if you aren't PG, won't hurt if you are. IYSWIM.

Good luck.

FightOrFlight · 07/02/2015 22:41

I think he's out of order to have that attitude towards pregnancy if you have been having sex without contraception. Surely he knew that it was a possibility.

Not sure you will be able to keep it secret for 20 weeks (unless you are very late in 'showing' and don't suffer with morning sickness.)

DakotaFanny · 07/02/2015 22:42

What will you say about periods? Just that you had them??

Tell him- he was there too, he knew you were not on the pill, he got drunk too.

Often what we think we want changes when confronted with the opposite- I bet he'll be pleased really....surprised, but pleased.

Congrats.x

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 07/02/2015 22:42

Take a deep breath, do a test and then sit down and tell him. I had the same thing with my DH. Our first DC had SEN and I'd gone bonkers after so he didn't want any more + he's a lot older than me.

While he freaked out a first, he later agreed that it was a happy accident.

I can really appreciate your anxiety though, but it's best to get it over with as soon as you're sure. He knows the risks of unprotected sex as much as you do.

OhMittens · 07/02/2015 22:44

OP
Firstly you don't know that you are pregnant. I am absolutely clockwork on my periods but recently I was over two weeks late for absolutely no reason and I took a test every two days so it wasn't a chemical pregnancy that disappeared. I was just late, simple as that.
Secondly, what you DH says in theory and how he would be in practice are totally different. (although I completely, totally appreciate your alarm at what he said in the supermarket).
Thirdly, even if you are pregnant, and your DH freaks the freak out, after a while, people start getting used to the idea, because that is the reality, and most people do adapt to reality and practicalities. So, if it was the case, if you mentally put aside the next two months (say) as being a bumpy road but then (hopefully) you might all start getting used the idea?
As for putting the pregnancy discovery off, I don't know, because obviously you should start getting care as soon as possible, plus it doesn't really make awkwardness better or go away, it just delays it and you would be worrying about this all by yourself.
At the most, if you did take a test and it was positive, I would give yourself a week for breathing and thinking space so you can be calmer and exude a calmer air about it all which hopefully would rub off on your DH.

Original poster

PurpleCorsage · 07/02/2015 22:45

He wouldn't force me, but he would make his feelings known and then that opinion would always be there and it would be like it was all bad news.

I'm back at college (but I could manage as its part time for the next two years), we don't have heaps of money, but we're comfortable and obviously have most stuff at this point, I was going through a lot when we had DC2 which I feel contributed to the depression, and I feel so much more in control of myself and my life than I did at that time.

I guess I'm trying to say, he will only see the problems, not the solutions. And I just don't want a whole black cloud hanging over everything.

Reading this all back, I am totally stupid and presuming too much. I should just buy a test tomorrow and take it

OP posts:

Original poster

PurpleCorsage · 07/02/2015 22:46

Sorry, cross posted with lots of you!

OP posts:

OMGBabyNo3 · 07/02/2015 22:47

I am in a v similar position. Just found out im expecting third. We were quite happy with our two and were 'careless' one night. Yep it really does just take once! We've known a couple of weeks and I def came round to the idea quicker though I am still really shocked. DH is getting there slowly...it wasn't what he wanted but I reckon within another week or so he'll be there. I think you need to talk to him. When faced with it as a reality he may come round better than you think? Good luck!

Hassled · 07/02/2015 22:49

You can't lie for 20 weeks. Aside from the wrongness of it, it will do your head in - you'll be a complete wreck. Think of all the things you'd have to lie about - the tiredness, the sickness, the appointments. It's not just one lie.

Take the test tomorrow. Give yourself a few days to get your head round it. Then tell your DH what you've said here - that you're in a better place and feel confident it will be OK.

FoxyMcFox · 07/02/2015 22:49

I think it would be hard to fake the shock of finding out you were 20wks. But I totally understand why you are considering it and would be tempted to do the same.

FishWithABicycle · 07/02/2015 22:51

I totally get where you're coming from but it's not a good idea. (a) you need to be in the system for scans and screening for potential problems by 8 weeks really, for the baby's sake. (b) if you need to hide this from DH for fear of his reaction there is no trust in your relationship, nor confidence in one another's love, in either direction. Bad idea.

QTPie · 07/02/2015 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

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